Collecting a small trowel and fork from the shed, which had once been the garage, Renee tackled a patch well away from the house, glad that the sun was dimmed by a slight haze. Her physical efforts didn’t prevent her brain from going over every sordid detail of the dreadful drama she’d brought on herself by her determination to have her lover declare himself openly.
Why hadn’t she left things as they were? Now she knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that he’d been . . . But he couldn’t really love a woman so much older than himself? It must only have been for sex. Digging out a clump of dandelions, she threw it viciously on the path beside her. She was still burning with anger, with hurt, with jealousy, but . . . she couldn’t stop loving Fergus. A person couldn’t turn love off like a tap, no matter what.
After an hour, exhausted by her back-breaking task, she went on to the square of lawn – back green, as Mike had called it – and lay down. The sun was brighter now and she stretched lazily, to let the warmth permeate her body, until the smell of the turf stirred memories of the times she’d spent with Fergus, at the Victoria Park, the Bay of Nigg, the Duthie Park, Hazlehead. She’d never be able to forget him, she reflected, then turned cold as it struck her that they’d never lie anywhere together again. She scrambled to her feet and went back to the house, where Anne dried her eyes surreptitiously as soon as she appeared.
They tried to act naturally with each other throughout their meal, but the unacknowledged antagonism between them could not be ignored, and it would be a long time before they could return to a normal mother–daughter relationship. The jealousy and resentment each felt towards the other was too great, too consuming, to be overlooked and forgotten. They spent the evening in an uncomfortable silence, not really listening to the wireless playing softly in the background – although the Palm Court Orchestra was Anne’s favourite programme – nor concentrating on reading the Sunday newspapers, until Mike and Tim came in just after nine o’clock.
Mike’s face was grim as he sat down. ‘It’s terrible about the war, isn’t it? I thought it was coming, though, a while back. What do you think about it, Mrs Gordon?’
Anne shook her head slowly. ‘I’m afraid it’s going to be another long struggle like the last one.’ Renee had completely forgotten about Chamberlain’s morning announcement, so much had happened since then. The threat of what the war would bring had been overshadowed by the greater tragedy of learning the truth about Fergus, but she felt herself turn cold again at the thought of him having to go and fight.
‘It won’t last nearly so long this time,’ Tim said, quite cheerfully. ‘We’ll bomb the Jerries off the face of the earth. We’ve got the aeroplanes, the tanks, the guns, and . . .’
‘So have they.’ Mike sounded worried. ‘Germany’s been preparing for war for years, but Britain’s just buried her head in the sand.’
That was what Sheila Daun had said about her, Renee recalled, and it had been true. She’d ignored all the warning signs, and she shouldn’t have been so shocked by what had been revealed at dinnertime. The discussion about the war was three-sided for a time, until Tim turned to the girl, who had said nothing so far. ‘What do you think, Renee? A war should put some excitement into our humdrum lives, shouldn’t it?’
Her dulled senses told her that she’d had enough excitement today to last her for the rest of her life, but she forced a smile. ‘I suppose so.’ She could see that Tim was put out by her response, but she didn’t care. She wasn’t interested in the war, it was the least of her troubles. There were other issues, far more important to her, to fill her thoughts.
Tim gave up trying to include her in the conversation. He’d noticed that his landlady was also less talkative than usual, which he’d put down, at first, to the news about the war, but now suspected that mother and daughter must have had a row about something earlier on.
The speculations began again when Jack appeared, some twenty minutes later, but only between Tim and Jack. Anne and Renee, and Mike, remained silent. By the time they all dispersed to bed, Fergus still hadn’t come home, and the girl, lying wakeful far into the night, heard him creeping in at ten past two. Where had he been all this time? Where had he gone to gather his shattered senses, and who had been the recipient of his whispered words of love?
Renee clenched her fists until her nails dug into her palms. It was no use! She couldn’t break away from him. She loved him as much as ever, in spite of what he’d done.
Chapter Ten
All through breakfast, Fergus Cooper was very subdued, and scarcely made any attempt to eat. Renee wondered if the other three boarders could feel the crackling tension in the air, and it crossed her mind that Tim and Jack would knock him senseless if they ever found out about his duplicity and unscrupulousness. When he left with the others, to go to work, Fergus stopped at the door and said, ‘I won’t be in for tea tonight, either, Mrs Gordon.’
With a sinking feeling at the pit of her stomach, Renee remembered that it was Monday, and that she would never be his Monday girl again. Her eyes filled with tears, and she held her head down to prevent them being seen. Her love for him was so great, she could forgive him for everything, but there was no way she could let him know. Fergus had promised her mother that he would never touch either of them again, and she, herself, had promised not to do anything underhand, but was she strong enough to keep that promise?
She could hardly believe it when she found a note in her coat pocket, but she drew it out with trembling fingers.
‘7.30 inside Playhouse. Please!’ A quivering sigh escaped her. Fergus was actually pleading with her, but there was no chance of anything other than secret meetings now.
When she told her mother, at lunchtime, that she was going to the pictures that night with Sheila Daun, she crossed her fingers that Anne wouldn’t suspect the truth, but she was unable to use Phyllis Barclay’s name any more. She had exposed that alibi herself, unfortunately. But her mother appeared to trust her, even seemed glad that she was going out. It was Jack Thomson who caused a problem later, by catching the same bus into town. The tryst was inside the cinema, though, so even if he came right to the Playhouse with her, he wouldn’t see her meeting Fergus.
‘Which picture are you going to see?’ Jack asked when they were seated.
Renee hadn’t had time to look at the evening paper to find out which film was showing, and she wasn’t really bothered, anyway, as long as she was with Fergus. She tried to sound off-hand. ‘We’re going to the Playhouse, but I don’t know what’s on. It’s something that Sheila wants to see.’
‘Oh.’ He sounded disappointed. ‘It’s Barbara Stanwyck in Stella Dallas. Quite good, but not my cup of tea. I’d have come in with you if it had been anything else, but I saw that when it was on at the Capitol a while back.’
She heaved a sigh of relief at her narrow escape.
‘I’ll walk up Union Street with you,’ he said, when they came off the bus. ‘Then I’ll carry on round to the Regent. It’s a man’s picture on there – Humphrey Bogart.’
When they reached the Playhouse, he stopped. ‘I’ll keep you company till your chum comes, if you like.’
‘Oh, no, it’s OK.’ Why did he have to be so considerate?
‘Sheila said she’d meet me inside, in case it was raining.’ She hoped desperately that he’d take the hint and leave her alone.
‘Fair enough. Be seeing you.’ He saluted and walked away. It was horrible having to lie to him, but she felt a surge of exhilaration at having come through the ordeal so well. She could understand, in a way, how Fergus could get a thrill out of living a life of deceit. It was like pitting your wits against a stiff opponent in some kind of deadly game, and praying that you’d come through unscathed.
Walking over to the cash desk, she bought a ticket for the back stalls. A whole shilling! It was a bit expensive for her, but she took it for granted that Fergus would want to sit in the back row, w
here all the courting couples went.
There was no sign of him in the foyer, so she walked round, looking at all the posters advertising the coming attractions, then went round them again. She felt that she’d been there for hours, but her watch showed only five to eight. Only? He was twenty-five minutes late already. Had he really meant to come, or was he punishing her for the fracas she’d triggered off yesterday?
The over-sweet smell of the air-freshener which the usherettes were puffing from their syringes suddenly cloyed in her nose. Conscious of the cinema staff looking at her, obviously pitying her for having been stood up, she could stand it no longer. She would go to the street entrance to get some fresh air, and to check if Fergus was anywhere in sight. If he wasn’t, she’d go in and see the film on her own, for she couldn’t waste her ticket, though she was so upset she probably wouldn’t enjoy it.
With an effort, she walked nonchalantly past the cashier again and took large gulps, as she stood on the steps. When her nausea passed, she stepped on to the pavement to look down Union Street. No familiar face met her searching eyes, and all her hopes drained away. He’d never meant to meet her, and she could hardly blame him.
Immersed in chagrin and self-pity, she jumped nervously when a hand fell on her shoulder. Fergus had come in the opposite direction from the one she’d expected. ‘I was beginning to think you weren’t going to turn up,’ she complained.
‘I’m sorry, Renee. I was early, so I walked up Union Street, and Jack Thomson caught up with me at Holburn Junction. He was going to the Regent, but he asked me to go into the Glentannar Bar with him for a pint first. I didn’t like to say no, in case he suspected I was meeting you.’
‘Thank goodness you did go,’ Renee said quickly, ‘for he’d just left me here, and he’d have put two and two together if you’d refused to go with him.’
‘That’s OK then. I was worried about keeping you waiting again, after . . . I told him I was meeting one of my mates at eight o’clock and hurried as fast as I could. I’ll get the tickets now. Come on.’
‘I’ve bought mine already. Back stalls.’
He smiled. ‘Good girl, but you can’t afford that. Here, take this shilling. No,’ as she shook her head, ‘I’ll just stand here till you take it, so you’d better hurry, or we’ll be here all night.’
She laughed and slipped the coin into her pocket gratefully. They found the rear seats relatively empty, it being a Monday night, and he led her into the very back row at the far side. ‘I wondered if you’d come,’ he said softly. ‘Why on earth did you tell your mother everything like that yesterday? She nearly threw me out on my ear.’
‘Oh, Fergus, I’m really sorry about it, but I wanted everything out in the open. I wanted her to know about us so she would stop pestering you. I didn’t realise how you felt about her, you see, and I never expected things to be so bad.’
He took her hand. ‘I did try to warn you, and I don’t know what to say to you now.’
She looked at him sadly. ‘I shouldn’t really have come here tonight, we both know that. I only hope she never finds out – she’d go absolutely mad.’
‘I had to speak to you, Renee, to try to explain, in case you were hating me. I do love you, my darling, more than you’ll ever know, but . . .’
‘You love my mother, too – you’ve already told me.’ Her voice was cool, but the pressure of his fingers was sending the usual shivers up her arm.
‘I had to say that, in front of her.’ He employed the look which could turn her heart to jelly. ‘I’m not denying that I made love to her, but it all happened before I started loving you. I just sort of drifted into it with Anne, no great passion, just a sex release, like I explained before about that other girl. But you were growing up into a beautiful young lady, and I fell in love with you, and wanted you to love me, too. I never got any affection at home from my mother and father, that’s why I left, so I suppose I was craving to be loved. Please say you haven’t stopped loving me, Renee.’ He kissed her before she could reply, a kiss which made her forget the excruciating heartache he had caused her.
‘I still love you, Fergus,’ she whispered, as soon as she could. ‘I’ll always love you, I can’t help it. As long as it’s all finished between you and Mum, that’s all I ask.’ Her eyes implored him to reassure her.
‘That’s all finished, Renee, I swear. She wouldn’t have anything more to do with me even if I wanted it, which I don’t. But there’s no future for us now, you realise that? After what’s happened, she’ll never agree to me marrying you.’
She felt desperate. ‘I know Mum would never agree to it, but couldn’t we run away?’ She would have gone anywhere with him, that very minute, if he’d consented.
‘I’ve something to tell you, my darling.’
The serious note in his voice effectively applied brakes to the girl’s fast-accelerating heart, and she looked at him anxiously. ‘What is it?’ she whispered.
‘I thought about this all day yesterday after I left the house, and I made up my mind to do it today. I signed on for the army at dinnertime, and I leave next Monday.’
‘No! Oh, no, Fergus!’ Renee’s pupils dilated and her eyebrows rose in shocked disbelief. This was what she’d been dreading. This was why she’d blurted out the truth to her mother and ruined her own life so unwittingly.
His grip on her hand tightened until it was almost unbearable. ‘It’s the only thing I could do, and I haven’t told anybody else yet, so pretend to be surprised when I tell them at home.’ His kiss was slow and deliberate, making her confused, incoherent thoughts swim in the raging torrent of her need for him as he slid his tongue between her teeth. The aching desire was so overwhelming, she was glad when he drew away.
‘Oh, God!’ he moaned. ‘It’s my last chance to let you see how much I love you, but I can’t, not in here. Come on.’ The story of Stella Dallas was still unknown to Renee as she followed him outside. ‘Where are we going?’
‘Where we started.’ He hurried her across Union Street, Huntly Street to Esslemont Avenue and past the grammar school and up to Watson Street, to the Victoria Park; where their final declarations of love were made with mounting ecstasy.
Resting against the gnarled tree trunk, exhausted, but fulfilled, Renee said, hopefully, ‘I could try to meet you another night before you go away. Please, Fergus? I can’t bear it if this is the very last time.’
‘It has to be, my darling. It would look too suspicious if you went out again this week.’ He stroked her cheek lightly.
‘I can hardly bear it, either, but I’ll never forget you. Promise me you’ll think of me every Monday, and don’t ever forget you’re my Monday girl.’
Pushing aside the thought of his other Monday girl, she groped for his hand. ‘I’ll remember you every day, not just Mondays.’ She paused, then sat up abruptly. ‘Fergus, I hope you’ve given me a baby tonight, because then I’d always have something of yours with me.’
He straightened up in alarm. ‘Christ, Renee, I hope I haven’t. That would be the last flaming straw. God Almighty, I’ve got enough on my plate just now, without having to worry about that as well.’
Assuming that he was worrying about the possibility of him being wounded or killed, she hastened to reassure him.
‘Don’t say that. You’ll come through the war all right, I’m sure.’
He laughed then, a peculiar, bemused laugh which she was to remember much later. ‘Oh, I’ll come through OK. I’ve the luck of the devil, so everybody tells me.’
They walked together to within a short distance of her house, then he stopped. ‘This is it, then, Renee. Our final goodbye, my darling. This is the one I’ll carry with me wherever I go, and you’ll have to remember for always.’
The tears, which had been threatening as their parting grew more imminent, spilled over. ‘Oh, Fergus,’ she sobbed.
‘Why did you join u
p? It said on the wireless they’d be starting conscription eventually, so why didn’t you wait till you were called up and we could have had some more time together?’ Gently, he dabbed her wet cheeks with his handkerchief.
‘It’s better this way, sweetheart, especially with how things are at home.’ Bending down, he bit her bottom lip lightly, in a teasing manner. ‘I’ll never forget I was the very first for you. No matter what happens, even if you marry another man, nobody can take that away from me. I was your first, so you belong to me for ever and ever.’
‘I’ll never marry anybody else,’ she vowed.
‘That’s what you think now, but you’ll change. It’s time you went home, or your mother’ll be wondering where you are.’
‘Not yet,’ she pleaded, but he kissed her quickly and strode away from her, round a corner, out of sight. After spending a few minutes trying to compose herself, she walked on towards the house; slowly at first until she glanced at her watch and saw that it was half past eleven, then quickly as she reflected that there would be another scene with her mother when she went in.
However, only Tim, Mike and Jack were in the living room, drinking tea from the flasks Anne had prepared for them.
‘Your mother went to bed about half an hour ago,’
observed Jack. ‘Will I pour out a cup for you?’
Hoping that nothing of what she’d been doing that evening showed on her face, Renee decided to postpone the moment of facing her mother. ‘Yes, please, if there’s enough left for Fergus.’ She could have bitten her tongue out the moment she said it, because it proved she knew he wasn’t home yet. Would any of them guess she’d been out with him? Jack hesitated for a moment before he unscrewed the cap of the thermos and, as he handed her the cup he’d filled, he shook his head accusingly.
Monday Girl Page 13
