“And…” I am not really sure where to go from there. What is Quinn thinking? I can’t meet her eyes. I must sound crazy. “Something happened that morning. Something not right.”
She raises an eyebrow. “What happened?”
“I don’t know what exactly, but I heard movement in her room. Before the Departure Crew got there. I would swear my life on it.”
Quinn frowns. “What else?”
“There isn’t much else.” I shrug. “That memo is all I have found. It makes it sound like some people were not departing like they should. But it is from a long time ago.”
It sounds ridiculous, now that I have said it out loud. Impossible. The Directorate does not make mistakes. My heart is racing so hard I can feel it in my wrists and behind my ears. What will Quinn do with me?
“I know it sounds like I’m crazy. I swear, I’m not,” I say. The pounding of my pulse swallows me up and I can’t think anymore. “I’m sorry. I will stop. I will talk to my mental health manager about it. Anything. Please don’t make me stop working here.”
My voice quivers, and I am afraid I am going to cry, so I stop talking. I do not know if I could really stop looking, but right now I am ready to say anything to make this moment end.
Quinn stares at me, her eyes busy and focused. She leans in close. My fingers tingle at her proximity.
“You’re not crazy,” she whispers.
I blink. She is staring at me, waiting for a reaction.
“What?”
“The memo. You read it right.” She glances towards the door then leans in so that we are only inches apart. “I’ve been looking for things, too. And there’s a lot more than this memo. You’d see for yourself in time. But you’re risking too much, poking around the system in the open like this. Someone else is going to catch you. And that’s not good for any of us.”
I press my fingers to my temples. My thoughts rush and blur, making me dizzy.
“Wait. You mean…” I shake my head and try to clear my head. “You’re not going to report me?”
“Shhhh,” Quinn puts a hand on my leg to quiet me. My skin hums under her touch. “I’ll need to put some kind of ‘talk’ between us on the record. The servers monitor everything that happens in the system, so don’t poke around the files like that again. But I’ll say that you didn’t know what you were doing, you were looking for something else. It’ll be on your record, but it will be minor, and it will be buried in accomplishments in a year or two. And hey, this is actually a good thing. Now we know we’re looking for the same thing, we can work together.”
I look up, hardly daring to believe what I’m hearing. “You’re going to help me?”
A smile twitches at the edge of her mouth. “Of course I am.”
Then she leans in and presses her lips to mine. Shock, relief and something new, something tingly and wonderful floods me. I cannot move or breathe. All I can do is let it wash over me.
She pulls away. “We’re going to help each other.”
I do not know if it is the adrenaline from the fear, or the rush of total relief, or how soft and warm her lips were against mine, but this is the best thing I have ever felt in my life, a thousand times over.
For the first time since Evie departed, I do not feel wounded. I do not feel alone.
I feel happy.
It is such an intense relief to have escaped this close call. But even more, it is so nice to have someone on my side again, to not be carrying this terrible secret alone. Maybe now, with Quinn’s help, I can find some real answers.
Chapter Twenty-Six
Evie
Kinlee’s advice about Connor won’t leave me alone, and finally, I decide to stop trying to play it cool and do what she suggested – go for it. That’s what this new life I’m in is all about, right? So instead of slipping in at the edge of the group when I get to our table, I wedge in next to Connor.
“Hey there,” he says. “Long time no see.”
It’s been maybe an hour. All I can muster in response is a giggle.
Shit, I’m no good at this. What am I doing? I look around, but Kinlee isn’t here yet. Soon the food baskets begin to pass around.
“Is Kin stuck at Intel?” I ask. Their hours keep getting longer since the Tad announcement.
No one seems to know. We load up our plates and eat.
When Kinlee finally joins us, the sun is already down. Her steps drag, and her shoulders are hunched. At first I think it’s just stress and tiredness, but then she slams her fist into the table so hard it makes the plates clatter and silences the entire table.
“You have a lot of nerve,” she says, turning to me. Her cheeks are a hot red and her eyes simmer.
“Who, me?” My skin scrawls with pins and needles at the intensity of her glare. “What are you talking about?”
“Yeah. You, Directorate. And I’m talking about your departure. You know, death.”
I flinch at the word.
“Yeah. You don’t like that word, do you?”
“Kinlee, just – ” I can feel myself retreating inwards, trying to hide from her rage. I don’t understand.
“Just nothing. I cannot believe you.”
“Enough, Kin.” Connor leaps to his feet. “What the hell is this about?”
Even in this moment of confusion and fear, I can’t help the giddiness that flutters underneath it: he’s standing up for me.
Kinlee takes a terrible pause. She stares at Connor with eyes so hot I’m surprised laser beams don’t shoot out of them.
“She isn’t diagnosing her departure. She’s just waiting to see what happens to her.”
Connor’s frown deepens, then fades to blankness. His ears and neck go splotchy with red. He looks at me. “Is that true?”
In the confusion of the moment, no words will come to me, but his eyes flicker over my face and the truth reflects in his expression.
He shifts, turning on me, and echoes Kinlee: “What is wrong with you?”
“Stop yelling!” I whimper, staring down at the table. With all this talk about death, fear is welling up and blocking out everything else, and I can hardly think.
“No,” Kinlee bites back. “This is a very yell-worthy situation. Do you understand what you’re doing, Ev? Or haven’t you even thought about it?”
A combustible churn of emotion explodes in my chest and turns my shame to fire.
“How’d you even find out about this?” I yell back. “Aren’t a person’s medical records private around here? Or is that another one of those crazy Directorate things?”
I fold my arms over my chest and narrow my eyes, daring Kinlee to defend herself.
“I can’t see how this compares to throwing your entire life away, but it was an accident.”
“An accident? Sure. You’re in the Med cabin all the time, so you must have accidentally tripped over the file and it opened itself up to my most private information. Makes perfect sense.”
Kinlee’s nostrils flare. She leans forward over the table, her fists pounding into it.
.“Or How does this sound? I was helping Mom organize a campwide shipment to the outside world, and when Sue had absolutely nothing to add to it – no tests for analysis, for example – I put two and two together.”
She glares at me. Connor glares at me. The rest of them all stare, wide-eyed and open-mouthed. Even some of the others sitting at the tables nearby are watching. My mind can’t turn the hot wad of emotion pulsing through me into any more words, so I glare right back, fighting the quiver in my lip.
Connor is the one to break the silence. “What’s it matter how she found out? I’m glad she did. Because shit, Evie, you have to know. You can’t ignore facts just because you don’t like them. I thought you were better than all this Directorate bullshit.”
Slowly, I turn from Kinlee to him and fold my arms over my chest. “I have to? I thought you didn’t dictate to people out here. You were all enlightened and special and free to make your own choices. Isn’t that w
hat makes you all so much better than me? Or is that only for choices you agree with?”
Connor flinches, as if I’d slapped him across the face. His jaw drops, and in a rare moment he seems to be speechless.
But Kinlee still has plenty left to say. “How about having some appreciation for those of us who saved your ass, and staying alive for a while?” She pushes the heel of her hand into her eye, and I realize she’s fighting back tears.
Maybe there’s something Kinlee is afraid of after all. But with all the yelling and the raging and anger pulsing through me, I can’t find the empathy to process it, not now.
“Fuck you,” I scream. “And you,” I add, turning on Connor. “Hell. Fuck all of you!” I flail my arms at the group, turn away, and storm off towards the trees.
I march through the woods until the burning edge of my anger calms to a dull pulse. I’ve tried so hard to avoid thinking about diagnosing my departure ever since Sue brought it up. I’d almost managed it, too – pushing the idea far to the back of my mind, pushing the panic down to a dull weight. It wasn’t great, but it was a lot better than the waves of terror that come over me whenever I consider what might be in store for me now that I’m past my departure date.
And I thought I was being brave because I was sitting next to a boy? Ugh.
I’m not stupid; I know Kinlee and Connor are right. But that’s my head. In my heart, the idea of a bunch of medical tests terrifies me, let alone what those tests might tell me. I can’t bear the idea of a countdown to death all over again, especially when this time it might be awful and painful and slow. No matter how I try to channel the passive acceptance I had in the Quad before my departure date, every time I think of it my hands start to shake. It’s not the suffering that does it, I realize – I have too much to live for now, out here, in this new world. How could I face saying goodbye to it all?
Eventually the night turns cold, and it seems late enough to bet that if Kinlee isn’t on shift, she’s probably asleep by now. Even so, when I get home, I am relieved to find the cabin is empty.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Evie
“You’re late.”
I’m already halfway through milking Lizzie when I hear Connor walk in behind me. After the fight, I couldn’t sleep. And lying there in bed, staring at the upper bunk, wondering if Connor would come to wake me after all of that fighting last night, made me even angrier. So I got up.
“Sorry,” he says. His voice is penitent and low, almost a whisper. “I got tied up.”
I almost turn around, to try to read his face to see where we stand, but instead I tell myself I don’t care – I decide where we stand.
“Don’t tell it to me, tell it to Daisy,” I nod to the cow next to me, who moos complacently. “And what is there to get tied up with before sunrise?”
“I brought you something.”
Connor reaches around my shoulder and waves something at me – some kind of large round roll, from the looks of it.
“Not hungry,” I say, shrugging away from him.
“Yeah, right,” he says with a soft laugh. “Try it. One bite.”
“I’m busy. There’s milk to be… milked.”
I don’t care about his stupid roll, I tell myself. I’ve got work to do. Whatever.
“Just smell it,” he says.
The roll creeps into my view again. And I can’t help but breathe it in. It’s wonderful, like nothing I’ve ever smelled before. This isn’t normal bread; this is something totally new to me. It’s sweet and rich, and my mouth begins to water. I turn and look at it for real. Steam wafts off it, and a thick white icing drips over its sides.
“What is that?” I ask.
Connor’s eyes light up at my curiosity. “It’s a cinnamon roll. Try it.”
He hands it to me. I take its wrapping in both my hands – it’s that big – and take a bite. Sweet cinnamon perfection explodes over my tongue.
“Oh!” The exclamation is muffled by the roll in my mouth, but I can’t keep it in. “Shit, how is this so good!”
Connor perks up. “I was thinking. With all that careful monitoring for optimal health in the Directorate, the diet probably doesn’t include much in the way of pastry. Thought it was time you tried one.”
“Mmm,” I mumble in agreement, my mouth too full to speak.
The food the Directorate gave us was all scientifically designed to keep our bodies in optimal health. Carefully-balanced nutrients and proteins. Minimal preservatives. No added sugars.
This cinnamon roll must be absolutely drowning in sugar.
The roll was huge, but it’s already halfway gone. It’s so good I want to swallow it whole. I want to eat only this for the rest of my life. I want to roll around in a pool of it.
“And,” he sighs and looks down to the ground. “I’m sorry. Again.”
I don’t want to get into all of that. Especially while I’m eating this amazing thing. “Whatever.”
“No, Evie.” He steps around so he is in front of me, shoulder to shoulder with Lizzie. His eyes are pleading. “Really. I shouldn’t have said those things last night. The Directorate makes me so angry, and I let that spill over to you. But you’re so much more than where you came from. I guess I’m afraid to lose you like I lost my dad. And I’m so, so sorry. That’s no excuse to yell at you, or to try to tell you what to do.”
The anger within me is satisfied by his pleading tone. I take another bite of my roll.
“I know I’m impossible,” he continues. “I know I get myself wound up and say things I shouldn’t. I’m working on it. I have no idea how hard it would be to make this adjustment between such different worlds. You’re doing so amazingly that I forget that. But the last thing you need is more people telling you how to live.”
He’s right. It has been hard. A lot has changed. And so, so fast. Prime among those things, I’m not the scared, angry girl Kinlee led to this camp weeks ago. And I’m not afraid of a fight anymore. Maybe it’s time I also stopped being so afraid of departure.
“But Evie, you have to forgive me. Or I mean,” he sighs in frustration. “You don’t have to, but I need you to. After this week, you’re gone to another rotation, and I… I’m going to miss you around here. If I ruined it and we couldn’t still hang out, I don’t know what I’d do.”
He shrugs as he says it, his cheeks coloring. He’ll miss me? My heart swells with flutters. I look at him. His hair falls into his face in untamed waves, obscuring his eyes. But I can still see they are soft and pleading.
Damnit.
“I’ll miss you too.”
“Yeah?” He perks up, the beginning of a smile brightening his face.
“Shut up,” I say, feeling the heat rushing to my face. “I didn’t even say I forgive you yet.”
“Well do you?”
I tilt my head back and sigh dramatically. “Yeah, fine. I forgive you.”
“Can I have a bite of the cinnamon roll, then?” Connor asks.
“No way!” I pull back and take another large bite for myself. “You should’ve gotten your own!”
He reaches forward and skims some icing off of it with his finger, then licks it off. I shove the rest in my mouth before he can steal any more.
“Where did you get this thing?” I finish the roll and lick the extra icing off the wrapping.
Connor beams. “I traded for it. Some of us have hobbies, like how you draw. Well, some people bake. They make things like the cinnamon rolls. Things they don’t make for meals because we don’t really need them.”
“No. I definitely need that,” I say, licking icing from my fingers.
He laughs.
He steps closer, and I can see a strand of his hair is caught in his eyelashes.
“You’ve got icing on your face.”
His hand brushes over my cheek, a gesture that somehow feels like home in a way no place ever has. And then he licks the sweetness off his finger, his tongue trailing over his lips. My mind goes blank and I can’t
think straight. I lean forward and press my lips to his. His mouth presses back into mine softly, warm and sweet with icing.
And then I realize what I’ve done, and the bliss dissolves into panic. I pull away.
“Oh. Shit,” I stutter. “Oh shit. I… I… I’m sorry, I…” I’ve got no excuse, I’ve got no words at all. “I’ll go… I shouldn’t have…”
All those years, I was so careful not to make connections I didn’t have to, trying to respect their right to live without the pain of missing me after I was gone. And here I am, getting all involved. I don’t even know what’s wrong with me, or when I might depart. Connor doesn’t deserve that kind of pain, especially after all he’s already been through. Why didn’t I think of this sooner? But somehow it didn’t seem real. Not until right now.
I pull away to leave.
“Whoa, whoa, whoa.” Connor reaches out and takes my hand. “What is this?”
“It’s like Kinlee was saying last night. I’m still undiagnosed. I could still drop dead any minute. I can’t go around putting that on people.”
“What? You want to shut down and not even live, because the Directorate said it wasn’t worth the pain? Evie. Life is pain. If that tradeoff isn’t worth it to you, then you should go back to the Directorate right now, because that’s not a life at all. But it’s sure as hell worth it to me. If I’d been sure you wanted me to, I would have done this a long time ago.”
And then he pulls me in for another kiss. It is long and soft, and for a moment I melt into him. But then I push away.
“That’s not… I can’t… That’s easy for you to say – you don’t even have a departure date. You don’t know what it’s like, having your entire life be a countdown. I’m like a bomb, Connor, and my timer’s already run out. I could go off at any moment. Every connection I make before then, it’s another hole of sadness that I make on my way out. What kind of mark is that to leave on the world?”
I push a tear away with the back of my hand. Connor takes a deep breath.
“Evie. I don’t care. None of us do. Any one of us could go at any time. The idea that the Directorate can control that, it’s part of their lies. Besides, you’re telling me that you somehow insulated yourself from everyone, and no one in the Directorate misses you right now? I don’t believe it. Impossible.”
Departures Page 16
