I burst through her door, my mind too flooded with thoughts to wait.
“How are we going to get to Evie?” I demand.
Quinn is standing, leaning forward over her desk. She looks up, raising an eyebrow, and suddenly I realize there are voices in the background, coming from her speaker.
“Do you know how lucky you are that I’m on mute?” she says.
She presses a button on her digipad. “Something urgent has been brought to my attention. I’m going to have to sign off.”
On the other end, a swell of voices begin to pardon her, but she hangs up, cutting them off.
She frowns, a line creasing in her forehead. Despite all that’s happened, I have to fight an impulse to lean in and kiss it.
“I know you’re wound up after last night, but that’s all the more reason to be cautious. This isn’t a time for action. It’s a time for lying low.”
How can I lie low when I know where Evie is? I don’t know how to pretend things are the same as before. I hate how rational and detached Quinn is, and my anger from last night flares through me in hot threads. But I push it aside – there are more important things to deal with right now.
“Fine. I’ll lie low. For a little bit. But since I have your attention now,” I lean over the desk. “Let’s figure how we get to Evie.”
Quinn straightens, her mouth curling into that lovely, crooked smile.
“After last night, I wasn’t sure you’d be up for that.”
Up for getting to my sister? Seeing with my own eyes that she is really alive and safe?
I blink. “I am up for it.” There is no other option.
“Well, great.” She leans forward over the desk. As she draws in closer, I can see the fire igniting behind her eyes, and a warning tugs at my gut even as my heart flutters. “Can you imagine it? The looks on their faces?”
The powerful buzz that kept me up all night flickers. Who is she talking about?
“My sister?” Evie will be so proud when I tell all that I have done.
“No, the Directorate. All the citizens here who can’t imagine any world outside this bubble. They won’t believe it.” Quinn’s eyes dance, gazing off at something I cannot see. “They won’t know what to do. None of them will. They’ll have to understand, finally, there won’t be any other choice.”
“The Directorate?” Suddenly I feel dizzy, like the floor is shifting below my feet. “I want to see her, but Quinn, you can’t be thinking of bringing Evie back here?”
The smile fades from Quinn’s face. “That was the whole point from the beginning. Expose what the Directorate is doing. Your sister is the key. What did you think we were doing all this for?”
“But… They’d think she was one of you. They’d kill her.” Her words stick in me like a jammed gear. I back away. “You don’t care about Evie at all. To you, she’s just a pawn for the Licentia.”
Quinn slams her fist into the desk, her entire face igniting with anger.
“A pawn? Gracelyn, there is nothing more important than this. It’s not about your sister. It’s not about you, or me. This is about stopping it all. For good. Don’t you get it yet? There is a whole world out there that they are hiding from us. They’re holding an entire society hostage. We have to show everyone exactly what they are, what they’re doing.”
Her words pile up and bring my thoughts to a lurching halt.
Is this about something bigger? Should it be? I pause and try to wrap my mind around the possibility. The questions are too big, too hard. This is not what I wanted when I started down this path. Overwhelmed, everything in me wants to yield. To let Quinn take care of it all, like someone else always takes care of everything. To give in to her confidence and the force of her personality.
But even as I think about it, I see in my head how it would all play out. The Licentia thrusting Evie out among bustling midday crowds. The people staring, confused and unsure of what is happening, but afraid of the terrorists igniting chaos in the heart of their Quad.
Soon, the Directorate would swoop in, taking out as much of the Licentia as they could as they contain the situation. And then, if Evie hadn’t been shot, they would take her away again, and this time there would be no getting away. I can hear myself scream as she is carried off, and feel the tears roll down my cheeks.
Maybe, if this would really change things, if letting Evie go would really save all the rest of them, I should try to accept that. But I can’t, I can’t, I can’t.
And it wouldn’t matter, even if I could. Because as soon as the Directorate had the scene contained, the lies would start. As they always have. The Directorate would do whatever was necessary to placate its citizens. There would be an explanation. A distraction. And then life would move forward. A few might question it all for a bit, but the tug of a content, easy life would ultimately lull them back into line – or they would be put back in line.
Because, I realize, here’s the kicker: what most people want is not to trust their government. It’s not to build a better world. All they want is to be comfortable. They want to carry on in this easy illusion the Directorate has created for them. As long as they have that to fall back on, no effort to shake them out of it will work. And with a sickening twist to my stomach, I realize that I am one of them. That I am not like Quinn. That despite all I have learned, all I want is to finish this, so my life can go back to its safe clockwork routine again.
I look into Quinn’s eyes, alight with her vision of chaos, and I know that she knows all these things. Somewhere, deep down. But she clings to her fight against the Directorate as tightly as the others cling to the comfort of order.
Clarity strikes in a bolt, and I see Quinn in a new light. Not the beautiful, ambitious professional I fell for, nor the heartless terrorist of last night. What I see now is a person who can’t not fight, because it is the only way for her to bear this world she is stuck in. It isn’t about changing this world. It is about the fight itself. It is a salve to her own particular type of suffering, as much as the Directorate’s pills are for others.
I stumble back from the desk.
“Oh, Quinn.” With each word I peel my spirit away from hers. “We can’t. I can’t.”
Quinn shakes her head, her hands balling into fists on the desk. “Gracelyn. No. It’s the only way. You need to see the big picture here.”
“No. Quinn, it’s over. All of it.” I glance up to find Quinn’s expression has fallen blank. We both know I’m talking about so much more than Evie.
“But no. We have to – ”
“I don’t have to. I can’t.” I turn to the door, but then stop, one last thing on my mind. “Look, I won’t tell anyone about any of this, I swear. But you have to let me go. And unless I really was only ever a pawn to you, too, a way to get closer to Evie… If you care for me at all, you will not try to get to Evie without me. This ends here.”
The light goes out of Quinn’s eyes, always so brilliant and alive.
“Quinn?” I beg.
She nods.
I leave, my heart in shreds, wishing more than I have ever wished for anything that I could go back in time and stop all of this before it ever started, wishing I had simply believed Father’s lie about what I heard on Evie’s departure morning, and forgotten all about it.
Chapter Forty-Two
Evie
When I get to the bunker for evening shift, everyone is climbing out.
“Start rounding everyone up,” Raina says. “We have news.”
I consider telling her she looks awful, that she needs sleep, but I know she wouldn’t listen. In fact I’m pretty sure I can’t look much better – none of us do. It’s been especially rough in Intel & Recon, with long shifts and late nights ever since we got the news about Tad. We need more people to pick up the long shifts and let others rest. But there is no one else. It’s just us out here.
The camp is gathered in a matter of minutes. Everyone’s been eager to know, well, anything at all.
I
plop down at the teens’ usual table near the back. And then the others start to join me.
Dave arrives looking sullen, Kinlee on his heels. She sits next to him on the bench and touches his arm, but he pulls away and turns his back on her. I look to her and tilt my head, questioning. I’ve never seen them like this. Kinlee shrugs. There’s a bandage wrapped around her wrist.
“What did you do now?” I say, gesturing to her arm.
“Oh. Um, nothing.” She pulls that arm under the table and turns back to Dave, who is still sulking.
Connor squeezes in next to me. “What’s the deal?”
“No idea.” Everyone in the bunker’s been walking fast and talking low these past couple of days, and they don’t tell me anything.
Raina steps to the front and signals for quiet. Then she nods to Kinlee.
“Guys, let’s get out of here. I got things to tell you,” Kinlee says.
“But don’t we need to – ” Ginnie starts.
“No,” Kinlee cuts her off. “We’re having our own talk.”
My stomach knots – what wouldn’t they be willing to tell us with everyone else?
As Raina calls out to quiet the crowd, Kinlee hops up and leads us towards the trees. We don’t go far before Kinlee turns and stops abruptly, taking a big breath.
“The Directorate is coming,” she says.
“Wait, what? Coming here?” Lucas exclaims.
We all exchange looks. Connor’s hand presses into my back. What Kinlee is saying is crazy. She’s always saying things that are crazy, but this feels different, and dangerously real. Dave folds his arms and stares down at the dirt.
“But… Why? How?” I ask. “I thought that wasn’t supposed to be possible.”
Kinlee sighs. “Look guys, Tad didn’t just disappear. He turned himself in.”
“Why would he do that?” Connor cuts in.
Guess working in Intel got me one piece of information before the rest of them.
Kinlee shrugs. “Our best guess? We think he liked it there. His rotation was coming up. Maybe he wanted to stay.”
I remember his warning at the crem – that life wouldn’t be the same out here. And that was true. But he said it like that was bad. Kinlee might be right.
“What the hell is wrong with him?” Connor says.
Kinlee shrugs. “What’s the difference? He’s a traitor. Forget him. The point is, we need to know what they know. And what they’re going to do.”
“So what are we doing? I prompt.
Kinlee pauses, shoving her hands in her pockets.
Dave stomps at the ground. “Damnit, Kinlee. Tell them.”
“Okay, okay.” She nods and squints her eyes shut, takes a deep breath. “I’m going undercover. Into the Quads.” She is trying to be solemn for us, but when her eyes open, the excitement shines in them like a light behind curtains.
“No way. You have to be eighteen for that,” Ginnie says. “They won’t let you, Kin.”
“They already let me,” she says. “Look around. No one over eighteen is qualified. Anyone else with the training already went in. It’s too risky for them to go again; they could be recognized. Besides, I’m eighteen in a few months.”
I look down to the bandage wrapped carefully around her wrist. It wasn’t tree-climbing this time. That’s a departure number.
“But…” I protest. My mind is moving too fast, and I can’t catch up. “Did you even finish your training?”
Kinlee shrugs. “We accelerated it a little. I finished last night.”
That’s why she’s been extra busy. The realization makes my stomach hurt, like I’ve been punched in the gut.
“How long have you known?” I ask.
Kinlee’s head droops. “For sure? This morning.”
“No. How long did you know you might be going? How long have you been accelerating your training?” I want to yell, but the threat of tears chokes my voice back.
She kicks at the ground. “Not long. Couple of weeks.”
Dave’s sullenness settles into all of us.
“Oh come on,” Kinlee says. “You all knew this is what I wanted. So it’s a little early. It’s important. Tad could be saying anything to them. We have to know.”
“So they should get someone of age and properly trained out here and send them,” Dave says.
Kinlee sighs. “We went over this.”
“Not with us,” Connor says. “I agree with Dave.”
Kinlee sighs again. “Well, there’s no time for that – we have to slip someone in now, while they’re transferring soldier units between Quads for the attack. Besides, hardly anyone is interested in joining anymore. You think the camp is this small by choice? We’re losing support. People are becoming more afraid of the Directorate, and fewer and fewer people are willing to take the risk.”
Silence sets in. No one has any more arguments.
“When do you go?” I ask.
“In the morning.”
She looks down and lets her hair fall over her face. I wonder if she is hiding sadness, or excitement.
I spring forward and wrap my arms around her. “I’m going to miss you. You’re the best friend I’ve ever had.”
“That’s a little sad.” Kinlee pats my back. “But, love you too.”
“Damnit, Kin.” Ginnie comes in for a hug too, catching me up in her arms too as she squeezes. Then Connor joins, and Lucas, and all the others, and soon even Dave is piled in, and it’s all nine of us wrapped up with a Kinlee core.
“Guys. Come on,” she protests. No one listens.
Soon after we hear the adults begin to protest, and it builds to tense arguing. After a while it dies down, and they disperse.
But we stay out there. All night. Taking in these last moments with Kinlee until dawn starts to lighten the sky and Raina comes.
“It’s time.”
Kinlee starts to get up, but I’ve got one last thing to say.
“Wait,” I say, getting up with her.
She turns and waits.
My idea is half-baked, but I have to ask. “My sister, she’s still in there, and she has no idea. She doesn’t even know I’m alive. If I write her a note, maybe you could get it to her, somehow?”
Kinlee looks down and shakes her head. “I’m sorry, it’s against the rules to make contact. You know I’m all for a little rule-breaking, but something like that, it’s how people get killed. I don’t know what Quad I’ll end up in, anyway.”
I nod, clenching my fists to fight back tears.
Kinlee takes my hand and squeezes. “It’s for her safety, too.”
I squeeze back. “It’s okay.”
And then Kinlee and Raina slip off towards the bunker for her gear, Dave following, and she never comes back.
Chapter Forty-Three
Evie
After Kinlee leaves, everything seems to go back to normal without her. Or at least, some new, awful kind of normal. The Alliance may be stepping up its game, but so is the Directorate. It seems like every day now there are new attacks on the Recon Crews on the Directorate’s wall. Every day new injuries are coming in.
With Kinlee gone, I have even less to do in Intel & Recon. I finish my sketch of the tunnels map, and once that’s done, I realize there isn’t much here for me. Mostly I stand at the security monitors, alongside more seasoned pros who don’t need me there. Really, I’m in the way.
I want to do something real. I want to help.
My mind keeps wandering to the Med cabin, and how swamped Noah must be in the midst of these attacks without Sue there. They were too busy even with both of them.
I miss the powdery slickness of the latex gloves and the sharp smell of the antiseptic and the hustle of moving from one patient to the next. I miss the feeling of knowing I lessened the pain in the world a little at the end of the day.
I’ve never gotten to choose for myself before. The Directorate always told us where to go, what to do, and what our contribution would be. To leave a post, especia
lly to go and do something else that clicks better, feels selfish and wrong. But I don’t listen to these feelings. It’s more Directorate brainwashing, and I don’t want any part of it anymore. I’m on the outside now, and I want to live like it.
“Raina?”
I squeeze my hands into fists in a fight against my nerves. Breaking this to Raina feels like a betrayal, especially now, so soon after Kinlee left.
“Yeah, hon?”
I had to wait while she and an agent conferred in tense whispers, and now she’s scribbling on her pad, her brow creased. Maybe I should go away and let her work. But she cocks her head to the side, waiting to listen.
“Well…” I’m not sure how to start. “Does Noah still need help in Med?”
“Yes. Noah could definitely use help.” She’s still writing.
“Because I was thinking I might be more helpful there.”
“Oh.” Raina puts down the pen and studies me. My stomach twists with nerves.
“Are you choosing your position then? It doesn’t have to be, but I’ve been meaning to talk to you about that. It’s just been so busy.”
I felt useful in Med. Strong. Like I made a real difference.
“Yeah. I’m choosing.”
Raina smiles. “Well congrats then, and thanks for your contribution. You are badly needed over there. I’ll send word to Noah to expect you tomorrow.”
That’s it? I exhale, suddenly realizing I was holding my breath. I was worried for nothing. I feel like I’ve broken free.
***
The next day I’m settling into the old routines. It feels good to be in the Med cabin again, helping people and healing wounds. It’s even busier than I expected, with new patients coming in frequently from the wall. Noah takes my training seriously – every patient is an opportunity to learn, and I stuff my head as full as I can with his lessons. I even get over my fear and help with those emergency surgeries for the soldiers.
At night, I pull out my finished map sketch and trace the blue line that still connects me to Gracelyn. Sneaking my way into the tunnels doesn’t seem too hard. But once I’m back at the Quad, how will I get to Gracelyn without getting caught? No plan I can think of seems good enough.
Departures Page 24
