by Jean Carroll
“Oh, honey, we’re so sorry you had to go through that,” Jill said, crying.
“Jill, stop crying. I feel so good now. I’m strong, emotionally. I can actually feel the difference. So let’s not mourn the past. I want to move forward with my life and celebrate the future. That’s what Meg and I have been doing the past three days. We’ve been talking about the future.” Blackie said.
“I have a lot of stuff to get off my chest and new ideas to discuss with all of you. Let me know when it’s a good time; it’s going to take awhile.”
“No time like the present. I didn’t really have anything planned for today. How about you, Sean?” Keary said.
“I was going to watch Casey work some of the chasers before next week’s races, but Ned can do it. This is more important,” Sean said.
“Thanks, guys. I don’t know quite where to start. I guess the most important topic is Meg and I. After all the shit I’ve put her through, I can’t believe she still wants to marry me. So I’ve talked to Mom and Dad and the wedding is going to be April 15th at Dromoland Castle. Mom’s taking care of the food and you girls need to work on the dresses, tuxes and whatever. I’ll take care of the accommodations.” Blackie said, beaming.
“That’s wonderful, congratulations, you two,” Jill said.
Sean punching Blackie on the arm. “Way to go, dummy, you’re finally getting this gig moving.”
“I know. It’s about time, isn’t it? What a dumbass, I’ve been,” Blackie said shaking his head.
“Stop it, it’s okay. A lot has been going on to distract you,” Meg said.
“The next thing is the farm. I want to change ownership and change things with the racing stable too.”
“What are you talking about?” Keary asked, frowning.
“I want to change the ownership from me and divide it up equally amongst all of us and ...
“No, that’s ridiculous! Mom and Dad gave the farm to you.” Keary protested.
“Let me finish, Keary! It’s not ridiculous. You all have worked harder than I have to take care of this farm and me. You deserve to share in it.”
“Come on, Blackie, we never thought you’d throw us out on the street or anything, but the farm is yours.”
“Not anymore. I don’t want it all. Shit, just listen to me. I’ve already talked to the lawyers and they’re drawing up the papers. The three of us kids and our spouses will share the farm in thirds. Jill and Keary, Sean and Katie and Meg and I will each have a third ownership. If one person in a couple dies, their third automatically belongs to the surviving spouse. There is one main stipulation. If any spouse of us three children divorces us, they forfeit their share of the farm.” Blackie said, seriously.
“What in God’s name are you thinking?” Jill gasped.
“I’m just protecting the blood ownership. I’m not making any insinuations about anyone.
Listen there’s more. The racing stable is already incorporated and I’m taking my name off it completely.”
“What the hell! You’re riding put the stable on the map. You should have it more than anyone,” Sean exclaimed.
“It’s mine, so I can do what I want with it, damnit! Would you guys stop arguing with me and listen?” Blackie said, getting frustrated with them.
“Okay, shut up you two and let him talk,” Jill scolded.
“Thank you. I have my own business now. I want to incorporate it and put mine and Meg’s name is on it. I think it will be easier for tax purposes if things are separate. The racing stable will just have Keary and Jill and Sean and Katie as owners. I’m also changing my will. Since I’m taking care of the property issues, what’s left are my personal assets which will be divided with cash settlements to you guys with the remainder going to Meg and any children we have. I don’t think I need to leave any money to Mom and Dad, do you?”
Everyone was quiet for a few minutes, looking at the floor.
“What’s wrong guys?” Blackie asked.
“We don’t want to think about something happening to you. We don’t want any of your money either,” Keary said, looking sad.
“Oh, come on. I don’t want to think about anything happening to me either. However,
I’m stronger now and I need to be responsible for people I love. I want to know that all this
business stuff is taken care of. It makes sense to do it ahead of time. I know you guys don’t need any money; this is just something I want to do because I love you.”
“Whatever you want to do, we’ll go along with it.” Jill said
“Okay, new subject. I want us to spend Christmas in Ireland. All of us, including Casey,
Jeremy and Ned. I know Mom and Dad would love to see the kids for the holidays. What do you say? We can manage the stable with us gone can’t we? Jamie and Curt can take care of our horses and I’ll just close down the school until I’m back. Come on, what do you think? Give me some input here.” Blackie asked, hopefully.
“I can ask some of the neighbors if they have any extra people that could come over and feed, maybe turn them out in the morning. Could Jamie and Curt keep an eye on the whole place?” Sean asked.
“What about Jessie and Billie? They drive over from Middleburg sometimes to help when we have a lot going on.” Keary added.
“Then you think we can manage being away for a week and a half, say, at the most?” Blackie asked them. Sean and Keary looked at each other for a few minutes, thinking and then nodded.
“Yes, I think we can do it,” Sean said.
“Great! Let’s get on it, making arrangements with people. I’ll make flight plans. You girls happy with doing this?” Blackie asked them.
“Yes, that sounds fantastic. What a wonderful idea. I can’t wait. I loved it the last time we went,” Katie said, happily.
“Meg and Katie, you have not had Christmas until you’ve had it in Ireland. Mom goes nuts with the food, decorations, music. It’s incredible,” Blackie said, his eyes shining with excitement.
“Okay, buddy, I’ll go on one condition,” Sean said.
“Oh Jesus, what?”
“You have to promise that you’ll sing with me for Mom and Dad,” Sean said, smiling.
“Are you kidding me? You’re serious?”
“Of course, I’m serious. They’ll love it. They haven’t heard us sing since we were kids.
Come on, it’ll be fun,” Sean pleaded.
“But let’s practice before we go because I sound like shit,” Blackie said.
“No you don’t! You both sound great. Come on, they’ll love it and so will everyone else,” Jill coaxed.
“You girls can organize Christmas in Ireland. Oh, I want to take Meg to New York to shop before we go. New York is neat at Christmas. Does anyone else want to go with us?”
“Yes!” Everyone yelled at once.
“I guess that’s one of my better ideas. So, let’s see. Next Thursday is Thanksgiving. Do you want to go the week after that? Does that make sense? I don’t want to wait until too close to when we’re leaving for Ireland.”
“I think the week after Thanksgiving sounds about right. What do you think, Katie?” Jill asked.
“That will be perfect. That way we’ll have time to wrap the gifts and get everything ready for the trip,” Katie said.
“We can take the Lear up and I’ll rent a car or maybe hire a limo so we won’t have to bother with parking. Hey, what’s happening for Thanksgiving, Jill?” Blackie asked.
“We’re having a big feast here for us and the whole crew. Gracie is making preparations and Meg, Katie and I are helping. We have a lot to be thankful for this year,” Jill ended on a solemn note. Blackie looked at her and looked sad too.
“Okay, you guys. Enough of this maudlin shit. I’m ready to party. I have so much to be happy about; I refuse to think about the past and the dumb crap I did to everyone. So let’s move on to the next subject- houses!”
“What are you talking about now?” Sean said, playfully punching him on the arm
.
“Well, as soon as Meg and I start having kids, we want to build a house up on the ridge.
The view up there is spectacular. The apartment is going to get too small fast even with one baby. Sean, you know you and Katie should build one next to us. Your cottage has to be getting too small now with Patrick.”
“Oh, Seanie, could we?” Katie said, pulling on his arm.
“Yes, I don’t see why not. That would be cool. I hadn’t really thought about it.
“Yes, that’s what would be neat about it. It would be like a family compound. Our houses won’t be far from this house. What do you and Keary think?” Blackie asked Jill.
“We’d miss seeing you guys all the time for meals,” Jill said.
“Are you kidding? We won’t get rid of them that easy. The way these two eat, they’ll still be underfoot all the time.” Keary said.
“Ah ... another thing about houses is that Meg and I will need to rent or buy a house in Ireland soon, maybe.”
“Why on earth would you need to do that? Can’t you just stay at Mom and Dad’s?” Keary asked.
“We can, yes, temporarily, but the thing is, I’m going to run for the seat in the Dáil that Dad has been bugging me about. Their house is not in the same district, so I can’t use their address for long. Of course it may not matter because I probably won’t win,” Blackie said, gently and this statement met with stunned silence.
“No comments from anyone?” he asked.
“We’re just blown away, buddy. That’s the last thing we thought you’d ever consider doing? We thought you hated politics. What happened?” Keary asked, looking confused.
“I’ve been talking to Dad for quite some time about this. Over this last year, on and off we’ve talked and argued a lot. I don’t know if this is a good thing for me to do. I’m interested in some of the social issues at home and I’d like to do something about it.” Blackie said, hesitantly.
“Do you think you’ll like it? What motivated you to talk to Dad about it?” Sean asked.
“Since the accident, I’ve questioned why I’m still alive.”
“Honey, why would you even think that? We love you and you’re here for us and Meg. You’re here to live a happy life,” Jill said, getting upset.
“Jill, you don’t understand. I should have died in that accident. There’s no way anyone could have lived through that. I believe, for some unknown reason, God saved my life and I need to know for what purpose. I have to find something meaningful to do with my life besides riding horses.”
“Maybe God loves you enough that he just wanted you to stay here and be happy,” Sean said.
“I have found a lot of meaning in my life with Meg and you guys. I just get the feeling I’m supposed to do something good to make up for the bad stuff I’ve done. Anyway, I’m going to try this and see what happens. I might hate it after I get into it. I’m sure a lot of people become cynical in public service. I need to go home the first part of next week and register as a candidate. So there it is.” Blackie said, shrugging.
“You know whatever you want to do, we’re always behind you. We’ll help you any way we can. But why the hell do you think you wouldn’t win?” Keary said.
“Well it’s a local election and nobody knows me over there,” Blackie said.
“What the hell! Everybody knows who you are in Ireland. You’re famous, for God’s sake! The greatest steeplechase rider ever, come on!” Sean exclaimed.
“Eh, I don’t think so. People forget and I wasn’t that famous,” Blackie said.
“I think you’ll be surprised. I think people know you. Besides, most people know that you’re going to be The O’Brien.” Keary said.
“Oh, how could I forget that? Jesus! Anyway, thanks, guys. I appreciate that and I know you’re always there for me.”
“What’s going to happen to the Dressage Center while you’re in Ireland doing that?” Sean asked.
“Good question. I think it’s going to be tricky. I’m going to have to do a lot of flying back and forth. I don’t want to give the center up. I think Parliament is in session all the time, so
I’ll have to figure out what to do with the students during show season. Jamie can school the lower level students and I’m hiring him to do just that. The upper level people will be a problem. Maybe I can take some of them to Ireland with me and school them at Dad’s. I have to work that out yet.” Blackie said.
“Okay, what else is going on with you? You might as well tell us everything now.” Keary said. Blackie sighed and looked at Meg for confirmation.
“Go ahead. You might as well get it all out while you feel like talking and have time.” She told him reaching for his hand. He took it and squeezed it, looking nervous.
“When I was in the hospital, Dr.Wahlman hypnotized me pretty much every morning and then in the afternoon we’d talk about whatever surfaced. He got me to remember a lot, but I’m not ready to talk about it. Most of it is awful. I still have work to do with him.” Blackie stopped and looked at Meg again, then looked at the floor for a long time.
“Honey, it doesn’t hurt me for you to talk about it. I know it’s painful for you but I’m good with it,” she said, gently.
“I know. Dr. Wahlman had mentioned this woman I knew named Yvette. I hadn’t remembered anything about her but he said the whole thing surfaced during hypnosis and then I remembered it consciously. I don’t know where to start.” He hesitated for a few minutes and then sighed.
“I lived with Yvette in Paris for about a year and a half. Her name was Yvette Benoit. She was a prostitute and she was the mistress of a very powerful Frenchman. I rode for him at the Hippodrome for about six months. One day he introduced me to Yvette at the track, saying she wanted to go to some Gala thing in Monte Carlo and he couldn’t go because of business. Looking back, I think he introduced us on purpose. We were supposed to be there for two days but we ended up staying for a week. I slept with her the first night we were there.” He said, frowning at Meg.
“It’s okay, Blackie.”
“After we got back, I figured that was the end of my employment with him, but it wasn’t.
He called me and said he was happy that Yvette had such a good time and had a couple horses he wanted me to start riding for him. I was a little confused by this but thought what the hell.”
“Yvette and I started seeing each other regularly and I would stay at her apartment whenever I was in Paris. One day he called me in his office and told me he didn’t want the complication of Yvette anymore; that he was getting too old. Apparently she wanted a child and he couldn’t afford a scandal since he was married and had four grown children. He wanted out of the situation. He said he knew I’d be good to her.
So I took over her expenses, the apartment and her clothes. She still saw clients but not when I was in the country. After about six months, she started talking to me about wanting a child. She wanted to quit the business, move back to her parents’ estate and raise this child by herself. She didn’t want a husband, just a baby. She was eleven years older than me. I was twenty-one and she was thirty-two. At the time, I didn’t want to be tied down with a wife and child anyway, since I was traveling a lot.”
“Well she kept after me and I finally said okay. She got pregnant after two months but she miscarried that baby. Three months later, she got pregnant again. She was incredibly happy. She told her parents that she would move home right before the baby was due.” Blackie stopped talking and stared at the table in front of him.
“Honey, why didn’t you tell us?” Jill said.
“No, if I had told you guys, you would have told Mom and Dad. Mom would have freaked if she knew her first grandchild’s mother was a French whore. She would have wanted to see the baby too.”
“Did you want to see it?” Jill asked him.
“No. I was afraid if I saw it, I’d want it,” he said, frowning.
“Blackie, what happened to her?” Keary asked, quietly.
“She’s de
ad and so is the baby.”
“Oh dear God! What happened, honey?” Jill asked.
“She was three months pregnant and I didn’t have any races for five days, so we drove to the Riviera and stayed in a villa on the beach. She was so happy. I couldn’t believe how happy I made her.” He stopped talking again and seemed off somewhere, remembering. No one said anything for a few minutes. Jill and Katie were close to tears and Meg hoped they didn’t say too much to upset him. She knew this was very hard for him to talk about. She trailed a finger along his cheek and he gave her a sad little smile.
“What happened, buddy?” Keary said.
“We drove back Sunday morning because I had a race on Monday. I was driving her Ferrari. This woman was totally drunk and crossed the median and hit us on the passenger side. The car spun around several times. When the car came to a stop, I immediately looked over at Yvette to see if she was okay.” He stopped talking and his eyes filled with tears. He waited until he got his voice under control before he spoke.
“As soon as I saw her, I knew she was dead. I just sat there for a few minutes, looking at her in disbelief.” He drifted off again into his memories.
“The car caught fire, so I jumped out and went around to pull her out. I knew I couldn’t do anything to help her, I just didn’t want her to burn.” he said, choking back tears.
“I went back later to look at the wreck and I have no idea how I got her out of that car. It was absolutely crushed on her side.”
“I called her parents and the older man who had introduced us. I took care of the arrangements. I took her to her parent’s home and they had a service there at the family burial grounds. I told them about the baby and I think it made it easier for them somehow. That was my only consolation, that at least she died happy. I never went back to the apartment. I just had them close it up and I still pay the expenses. I was going to go with Meg and clean it out but I don’t think I want anything that’s there.”
“Maybe there are some pictures you might want,” Jill said.
“No. I don’t want Meg seeing pictures of us together and I don’t need a picture to remember what she looked like.”
