by Ariel Tachna
“Do we need to worry about being late?” Trent asked.
“No, it’s nothing like that,” Nikhilesh said. “It’s a festival, not a single rite at the temple. There will be things going on for the next ten days. The important thing is to make our puja. After that, we can enjoy the celebration.”
The bright sunlight beat down on their heads as they moved forward. Trent would get sunburned if they stayed outside for long, but they weren’t far from the temple now. All around them, everyone was smiling, clearly happy to be outside and celebrating, and that took the edge off the crowd and the heat and the smells. Two children ran by, their hands full of stalks of sugarcane.
“What are they carrying?” Trent asked.
“Sugarcane. They’ll chew on it to suck the sugar out and then spit out the fibrous leftovers. It won’t be bad today, but there will be flies everywhere tomorrow. It never stopped us as children, but Achan always made us go to the back of the garden if we brought any home. He didn’t want the flies anywhere near the house.”
“What does it taste like?” Trent asked.
“Like chewing on really stringy celery, except sweet. You suck all the sweet out of it and throw the rest away.” Nikhilesh smiled at the memory of running through the streets with his hands full of sugarcane, Reena and Aysha by his side. He looked around, but even if Reena or Aysha came to Chirappu, he’d never find them in the crowd. “We’ll buy some after we’ve finished the puja. Come on, we’re almost there.”
They ducked around the crowd and into the grounds of the temple. The carved wooden doors of the building stood open to welcome worshippers. Nikhilesh slipped off his sandals and left them in the pile outside. The temperature dropped by degrees as they stepped inside and escaped the tropical sun. Summers in Chicago barely kept him in practice for winter in Kerala. He wouldn’t be able to come home in the summer now. He paused for a moment to look up at the temple after ten years away. It hadn’t changed at all, the paintings and sculptures of Bhuvaneswari still adorning the walls, but after ten years and with Trent at his side, the strangeness of it struck him. Trent never went to temple with him in Chicago, not that Nikhilesh went often. Would the strangeness add to Trent’s unease? He’d clung to Nikhilesh during the night, not something he usually did unless it was unusually cold in their apartment or he had something on his mind.
Nikhilesh moved automatically through the steps of the puja as he glanced over his shoulder at Trent. Trent stood near the wall alone. Nikhilesh almost went to him to draw him into the ceremony, but Trent wasn’t Hindu and he didn’t speak Malayalam. He wouldn’t know what to do and that would just make him feel more out of place. Nikhilesh had the advantage of having gone to church with Reena. He might not share Trent’s beliefs, but he understood the rituals. Trent didn’t even have that. Nikhilesh cursed silently. He should have taken the time to explain everything to Trent last night instead of worrying about Trent’s reaction to his family. If he’d done that, maybe Trent wouldn’t be standing off by himself looking lost.
The rate he was going, he wouldn’t have a boyfriend by the time they got back to Chicago. What was it about being home that kept tripping him up?
TRENT STARED in wonder at the lush greenery of the Kerala countryside once they left Alappuzha for the backwaters of Kerala. Palm trees, coconut trees, banana trees, and dozens more he couldn’t identify filled the gardens of the houses they passed. Rice patties stretched out in the open spaces between houses, the lifeblood of the economy. Boats floated on still waters of the canals with fishing lines hanging from bow and stern. Women in brightly colored saris stood in the shallows with the long skirts tucked up around their knees washing clothes or dishes, he couldn’t tell which.
This was everyday life, not the pageantry of Chirappu with its processions—elephants, for Christ’s sake!—and bright costumes and elaborate rituals. He hadn’t understood the words, but he’d been struck by the power of it nonetheless.
What they were seeing now didn’t have any of that same sense of ritual, but it had all of the same sense of tradition, life going on as it had for an age. Nik’s descriptions hadn’t done justice to the true beauty of the area, though. It was so different from Chicago’s cold winters and concrete jungle. How could anyone prefer Chicago to this? He glanced at Nik, who watched the passing sites with a reverence Trent had never seen on his face before.
Butterflies took up residence in his stomach again. This was it. Nik would realize he wanted to come home to stay any moment now, and Trent would be out of luck. He might be able to find a job in India if he wanted to move, but he didn’t speak the language, and he and Nik wouldn’t be accepted here. If Nik came home to stay, it would be the death knell of their relationship. Nik loved him, but this was home and family and all the things Nik had given up to study in the States. He’d had his reasons at the time, but those reasons were gone now. He could come home if he wanted to. His family had accepted him.
“I always loved coming out on the boats when I was a child,” Nik said. “We’d rent one of the houseboats and spend several days or even a week on the water. It’s cooler out here than in town, so we’d always try to pick the hottest week of the year to go. We’d tie the boat up in the shade during the heat of the day and just lounge around, reading or playing board games. Nareshkumar always won, but Nandini and I never gave up trying to beat him.”
“It sounds wonderful.” Trent’s heart broke. How was he supposed to compete with memories like that?
“It was. We played in the water too. Just dove right off the edge of the boat into the canal. There’s nothing in the water here big enough to be a threat, and in the shallows, it’s not that deep. We all swam pretty well, but it was shallow enough that the adults could wade in and get us if we got in trouble.”
And in Chicago they had the lake and winters that kept it too cold to swim in more than half the year. Nothing like the tropical temperatures here, where they could swim year-round. Trent summoned a smile. “We’ll have to go swimming while we’re here. I brought a pair of gym shorts. I could wear those to the beach, couldn’t I?”
“Of course. A lot of men who want to swim wear lungis pulled up above their knees, but you’d be fine in gym shorts. Just don’t expect to see a bunch of bikinis. Women tend to wear an old churidar into the water. Modesty is still very much a thing here.”
Trent had noticed. Even in the relative privacy of the bedroom, Nik hadn’t done more than kiss and snuggle with him since they’d arrived in India. They didn’t have sex every night at home, but they made love often enough for Trent to notice the lack now.
“That’s one of the things I don’t miss about Kerala,” Nik added. “Modesty is all well and good, but they take it to the extreme here. I like being able to wear shorts when it’s hot or take my shirt off when I’m running or going swimming. It’s not quite as strict for men as it is for women, but the hypocrisy of it makes it worse in a way.”
“Is that changing at all?” Trent asked.
“I don’t know. Amma still wears saris to work and churidars the rest of the time. Nandini wears churidars to the hospital, and she doesn’t have time for much else in the middle of her surgeoncy. By definition, there’s a certain amount of modesty in that because of the way the outfits are designed. And Alappuzha may be a big city by Kerala standards, but it’s not Delhi or Mumbai or Chennai, so maybe things are different there now and it just hasn’t trickled down here.”
Trent nodded and let the subject drop. They sat in companionable silence as the boat motored down the canal, leaving a gentle wake behind it. The breeze picked up, drying the sweat on Trent’s forehead that had broken out even in the shade of the awning. The breeze made it tolerable, but he took advantage of the cooler of cold drinks the crew had provided.
“Do you want one?” he asked as he pulled a bottle of water out of the ice.
“Sure.” Nik caught the bottle Trent tossed him and checked the seal. “Another thing I don’t miss. Even when I lived here and
was mostly used to the local water, Amma wouldn’t let us drink water if it wasn’t in a sealed bottle or hadn’t been boiled.”
Trent relaxed a little. As much as Nik obviously enjoyed being home, he could still find fault with it too. The faults might not outweigh the positives, but he saw the whole situation, not just the parts he’d missed.
He could ask Nik if he was thinking about staying or about coming back, but if the answer was yes, he didn’t want to know. It would spoil their vacation. He’d deal with it when they got back to Chicago if it came to that.
Nik tipped his head back and drank deeply, his throat working visibly as he swallowed. God, Trent wanted to kiss him. He wanted more than that, but even at home, he’d have to save that for behind closed doors. He wouldn’t have hesitated to kiss him in Chicago, though. He took a sip of his own water to cover his desire and rejoined Nik on the bench. The cushions dipped beneath his weight, leaving him off balance enough to bump Nik’s shoulder. Nik turned to look at him and grinned.
“The crew is all on the lower deck.”
The glint in Nik’s eyes hit Trent low in the gut. He set his bottle down and turned to face Nik. “They are.” He rested his arm along the back of the bench, not quite embracing Nik, in case he’d misread Nik’s intentions, but leaving the invitation open.
Nik leaned in and kissed him. Need shot through Trent’s body at the simple contact. They’d been so careful in public since they arrived, and he’d missed their usual, casual touches. Other than at work, they rarely went more than a few minutes without touching: the brush of fingers as they walked by each other at home; holding hands or arms around each other’s waists when they went out; playing footsie under the table at restaurants. Four days without had left him deprived and hungry for more contact.
Nik swiped his tongue across Trent’s lips, deepening the kiss. Trent moaned. He opened to the touch, his whole body crying out for more contact.
Nik pulled back, panting. “But this is why I could never move back here. It’s driven me crazy not being able to touch you since we’ve been here.”
Relief swept through him. He hadn’t lost Nik to the lure of home.
“I was worried you might want to stay,” Trent admitted. “You’re so comfortable here, in a way you never seem to be in Chicago.”
“This is home,” Nik said, “but so is Chicago in its own way, and maybe I don’t fit in Chicago in certain ways, but I wouldn’t fit here any better. My parents have accepted us, but we would never be accepted more widely. Hell, I’m not even sure how the extended family will react when we have the party in a few days.”
Trent nodded. He had limited influence where Nik’s family was concerned, but Nik’s fears deepened his own resolve. He would find a way to win the family’s approval and all would be right in his world. He chased Nik’s mouth until he could renew the kiss. He might have to stop at kissing, but he wouldn’t stop with just one.
“ARE YOU ready for this?” Nandini asked as she plopped down on the couch in the living room next to Trent. He’d gotten ready for the party faster than almost anyone else and was stuck now waiting for the others to be ready to go. He summoned a smile for Nandini and admired her outfit. She wore a churidar like she did every day, but this one was clearly a party dress instead of one for work. Trent rubbed his sweaty palms against his trouser legs and nodded.
“How bad can it be, right?” He just had to get through the party and the worst would be over. Even if someone made a scene, he would know instead of worrying about what might happen.
“Not bad,” Nandini said. “Everyone is too excited about seeing Nikhilesh again for it to be bad. Too many people in too small a space all wanting attention, everyone expecting you to know who they are even when I don’t know all of them, probably a few disapproving looks from more distant relatives, but they can just go home if they don’t like it.”
Trent gulped. “Sounds….”
“Perfectly hellish,” Nandini agreed. “If it makes you feel any better, I’ll get at least as many disapproving looks as you and Nikhilesh will.”
The words startled Trent out of his self-pity. “Why? You’re a doctor doing your residency—no, that isn’t what you called it.”
“My surgeoncy.”
“Yes, you’re doing your surgeoncy. What’s to disapprove of?”
“I’m not married with kids yet,” Nandini said. “Most of my friends from high school have at least one child by now, and I’m not even engaged.”
Susheela aunty’s concern in the garden came back to him. “Is that because of Nik?”
“No,” Nandini said hotly. “It’s because I have things to do before I get married. I don’t care if Nikhilesh is gay or straight or something else entirely. He’s my brother and I love him. I wouldn’t want to be with someone who can’t accept him because if they can’t accept him, they don’t accept me. I know Amma is worried, but it’s not like they’re really arranging my marriage anyway. I’ll find the person I want to be with eventually, and when I do, I’ll let Amma and Achan make all the arrangements like a good Hindu girl, but I won’t have someone foisted on me without any say in the matter. The problem is I’ve told too many of my aunts and uncles to bugger off. Well, not in so many words, but they think I’m being rebellious. I try to keep it to myself because I don’t want to make things hard for Amma and Achan, but I can’t be someone I’m not.”
“No, of course not.”
“I knew you’d understand. Nareshkumar chettan is kinder about it and won’t ever pressure me, but he doesn’t understand. He married a woman our parents chose for him, and it worked out fine, so he thinks I should do the same and count myself lucky. I hated Nikhilesh for leaving for a while, but I understand why he had to go. He didn’t fit the mold any more than I do. Even less, probably, since I do want to get married and have children someday. I just have to meet the right man first.”
“When you find him, he’ll be lucky to have you,” Trent said.
“Nikhilesh is lucky to have you,” Nandini replied. “Just don’t let him wait another ten years to come see us again, okay? I miss him, and I’ll miss you when you leave too.”
Her words warmed him through. He loved his parents and talked to them regularly, but it wasn’t the same as having siblings. He’d spent his childhood wishing for a brother or sister, and now that he saw Nik with his siblings, it made him want it all the more.
“You can come visit us in Chicago whenever you can find time in your schedule,” he offered.
She threw her arms around him and hugged him tightly.
“Hey, no trying to steal my man,” Nik said as he came out of the bedroom. Trent took a moment to admire the way he looked in his kurta pajama. The violet tunic with black accents was flashier than anything Trent would have chosen for himself, but it suited Nik’s darker skin tone perfectly. How had he gotten so lucky? He only hoped Nik’s family wouldn’t be upset that Trent had chosen to wear a suit rather than a kurta pajama. He owned one, but he felt like a fraud wearing one in India when he stood out like a sore thumb already.
“I’m not trying to steal anyone,” Nandini retorted. “I was just saying thank you.” She rose and left the spot on the couch for Nik. “I have to help Varsha chechi with the baby.”
“What was that all about?” Nik asked as he took the vacated seat.
“We were talking about family expectations and the perils of not meeting them,” Trent said. “You’re not the only one some of the relatives don’t approve of apparently.”
“They want her to get married,” Nik surmised.
“Yes, and to someone of their own choosing. She’s not having any of it.”
“Amma and Achan won’t force her into it any more than they did me.”
“That’s what she said, but that doesn’t keep some of them from disapproving, apparently. I told her she could come to Chicago to escape them for a while if she wanted.”
“So you’re okay with my family?”
“I haven’t m
et everyone, but the ones I have met have been very welcoming.” Enough to make Trent want to be part of them. He just hoped they felt the same about him.
TRENT SPENT the hour’s drive to Pagoda Resorts alternating between panicking about meeting the rest of Nik’s very large family—they had to have the party at a resort because no one’s house would fit the whole family, and wasn’t that intimidating?—and going back over his conversation with Nandini. He’d tried again to memorize the family tree, but it only helped so much when he hadn’t met most of the people on it yet and didn’t know who would and wouldn’t be there to focus on those he was likely to meet.
“Stop worrying,” Nik murmured. “You’re making me nervous.”
“Sorry. I can’t help it.”
Nik squeezed his hand. “I know. I can’t either, but no matter how bad it is, it’s only a few hours. Then we get to go back to Alappuzha with Amma and Achan.”
That might be true, but even if Nik’s parents accepted him, they still worried about the effect Nik’s relationship might have on Nandini’s marriage prospects, and that didn’t take into account the reactions of the rest of Nik’s family. If they disapproved, it would make it that much harder for Trent to get what he wanted. Nik didn’t want to stay in India, but that didn’t mean he wanted to break completely with his extended family either. Nandini’s support helped, but would that be enough?
“If it gets too overwhelming and I’m not right there, find Nandini or Nareshkumar. They can run interference for you, probably better than I can since everyone wants to see me after so long.”
Nandini would do it in a moment. She’d made that quite clear when they talked before leaving for the resort. Nareshkumar was harder to read. He was always busy with his children, so Trent hadn’t really talked to him in depth beyond family conversations at the dinner table. Then again, of the three siblings, only he had lived up to family expectations so far, so maybe he would be the best protection. If nothing else, his defense of Trent would come from a position of strength rather than as precarious a place as his own.
