by Stella Noir
“I honestly don’t understand what it is that I’m feeling, but I think that I’ve seen a part of Colin that not too many people get to see, that I’m one of the lucky ones who’s been allowed to see who he really is. I’d be lying if I said there weren’t things that he did … or parts of him that I didn’t like. I don’t like to think about what I saw in his basement, and I don’t like to think about all the girls that he did that to before her, but I feel like being around Colin is making me realize something about people that I guess I hadn’t really articulated to myself before.
That the bad things that people do don’t actually define them. It seems like everyone is so quick to put other people in boxes but then when they do the person becomes this one-dimensional thing. And the title they are given doesn’t leave any room for them to be seen as anything else.
It was hard at first for me to think that Colin was anything more than a killer, but he is. He’s so much more. I don’t like that he’s killed people, and I don’t know if he’s going to keep doing it, but I can’t ignore the fact that I’ve fallen in love with the other parts of him that don’t seem to want to continue to do that.”
“Did you tell him how you felt?”
“That I’m in love with him? No. I guess I’m still scared of what it means; that I’m in love with someone who has intentionally killed a whole bunch of women. I’m still trying to wrap my mind around it.”
“Wow. You’re becoming more impressive the more I get to know you. I’ve been in quite a few relationships throughout my life; some with women who knew what I did and some with women who didn’t, and I’ve never met a woman who was as genuinely thoughtful as you are. Colin is right, you two really do seem to have some sort of invisible connection, or an unspoken understanding of each other. I’m kind of jealous,” he said with a smile as he looked up at Barbara as she came back into the room and sat back down at the table.
“This is some place you’ve got here. Does every room have a laundry chute or a secret little door?”
“Oh, so you’ve been casing the joint?” Landen said as he turned around and gave Barbara the sly smile.
“No, no! I wasn’t snooping or anything. I … I just noticed in the bathroom … the laundry chute and the little door that looks like the cupboard but goes further to what looks like some kind of passageway. This place is just really interesting. Sorry I opened up your secret cupboard.”
“That’s quite alright. I don’t have anything out on this floor of the house that I want to keep from prying eyes anyway. And you’re right, this house is very interesting. It took me years to find a place like this and I had absolutely no idea how many secret passageways and rooms this house had when I bought it. I’ve lived here for almost twenty years and every once in a while I find some new feature that had previously been hidden and I absolutely love it.
You wouldn’t believe all the hidden passageways this house has. If you’re interested sometime I’ll show you around” Landen said as he raised his eyebrows, looking like he hoped she would accept his offer. He really seemed to be taken with Barbara and I found it really sweet. I mean, I didn’t know him at all, just what Colin had told me and his little speech about how much Colin meant to him. And even though I didn’t know what his deal was as far as his freelance surgery past time, and his intensity that was way scarier than Colin’s, there was a part of me that kind of wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt too.
“Yeah, maybe sometime,” she said, sounding surprisingly interested.
Landen brought the spaghetti and a salad to the table, then sat down with us and we started to eat.
“I can’t believe you guys are both such good cooks,” I said to Landen in between bites of the best spaghetti bolognese I had ever eaten.
“Thank you. Yeah, Colin is a pretty great cook. He must have been really happy to have someone to cook for these last few weeks. I know it’s not always fun to make a big dinner just for one person. A lot of times I just make something really easy for myself, but if I had someone to cook for I’d make something new every night,” he said as his gaze landed on Barbara.
During dinner the conversation veered back to what he and I had been talking about when Barbara was out of the room, and he gave us his theory that needing to kill was, to him, similar to any other addiction and that he saw it as a way to find a release when you didn’t have any other way.
“Dude, that’s freaking insane. There’s a world of difference between someone who needs to kill and someone who needs a drink or a cigarette,” Barbara said to Landen as she took a drink from her wine glass.
Landen leaned back in his chair and threw his hands in the air with a shrug.
“Hey, it’s just a theory,” he said then gave Barbara a big smile. “I like you, Barbie. You’re feisty.”
“Barbie?” I said as I looked over at her and started laughing. “Oh, that’s perfect!”
Barbara’s face turned beet red and she pushed her chair away from the table.
“I think we should probably get going.”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to offend you. You don’t have to leave so soon,” Landen said with genuine sincerity.
“I really do just need to get home, now. We both do,” she said as she looked over at me.
“I’m going to stay a little while longer, Barb. Landen invited me to stay until Colin is better and I’m taking him up on his offer.” I knew she was going to be mad, but I had to follow what I felt inside me.
“Ok … I’ll go and get my jacket and let you two talk,” Landen said as he got up from the table. “Take your time, I’ll be out there when you’re ready.”
“Come on, Avery. You don’t need to stay here. You can call him and see how he’s doing.”
“Look, I’m staying and that’s final. You can call and text me too, you know.”
“Well, I am. I’m going to text you at least five times a day and if I don’t hear back from you I am calling the police.”
“You need to stop saying that, Barb. Landen heard you say that earlier and he wasn’t too thrilled.”
“Well, too bad! What the fuck does he expect? Someone’s going to call the police on him sooner or later. And when you text me you gotta type in a code word, like what you always call Joey. Type in Joey-Jo-Jo and I’ll know it’s you.”
“What do you mean you’ll know it’s me? Nothing is going to happen to me.”
“Dude, do you know how easy it would be for him to kill you and chop off your finger so he could get into your phone? I’ve seen that sort of thing on TV, I’m not making it up.”
“Oh, come on. Don’t you think he’s kinda hot, in that slightly grey, mid-forties guy kinda way? And it seems to me like he likes you.”
“Oh, well let me take my panties off and string them up on a pole! A serial killer likes me! So, what, did he tell you that or something?”
“Ha! I knew you were kinda into him! You should give him a chance, Barbara. He seems interesting.”
“I think you’ve snapped your cap, Avery,” she said as she got up from the table and rolled her eyes at me. “Don’t forget, five texts a day.”
“He’s right, you are feisty,” I said with a big smile. Just then Landen appeared in the doorway.
“You ready?”
“Sure,” Barbara said as she walked toward the door but kept her eyes on me.
“Have you ever ridden in a vintage Jag XKE? I’ve got a red one. I think you’ll like it, it’s very fast,” he said excitedly as they disappeared around the corner and down the hall.
I went to the stove and poured some broth that Landen had been heating up on the stove into a mug, then took it and a straw into the room Colin was in. I knocked on the door and opened it and he was awake, so I went in and got back on the bed right next to him.
“Here’s some broth Landen left for you.”
“Is he here?”
“No, he just took Barbara home.”
“Oh man, this is good,” he said as he drank
down the broth.
“Thank you, Avery. For everything. I can’t tell you how much it means to me that you’re here.”
I smiled at him and put my hand on his arm, but I just couldn’t tell him yet. I was still too scared of how I was feeling to say those three little words.
21
COLIN
There was a knock at the door and Landen came in right afterwards carrying a tray with a variety of cups and glasses on it.
“How you feeling, buddy?”
“Better. What’s that you got there?” I said as I pulled myself up into a sitting position.
“Well, I thought today was the day you could try some solid foods and see how they went down. I still have your favorites, broth and juice, but I also brought in a little bit of oatmeal,” he said as he set the tray down next to the bed.
“Where’s Avery?” I asked, a little scared to hear the answer because she was usually in my room with me most of the night or came in with a tray early in the morning. She had stayed here with me at Landen’s house for four days, laying next to me in bed and reading to me or holding cups of broth or juice for me before I could sit up, but the whole time I kept wondering how long it was going to last. She was free to go and I knew that the day was going to come when she would realize that there was no reason for her to stay with someone as messed up as me.
“I took her home this morning.”
“To her to apartment?”
“Yes, that is her home. Look, I know this is hard for you, but you have to have known all along that there is no way that you could force her to stay with you. You know the old saying, if you love something set it free, blah blah blah.”
“Yeah, I know,” I said as I turned my head away from him. I was feeling tears start to build up and I didn’t want Landen to see me turn into a blubbering idiot.
“Hey, don’t work yourself up into some sort of self-deprecating cesspool over there. She asked me for your keys.”
“What do you mean? My house keys?”
“Yeah, she actually gave me a pretty convincing case about wanting to clean up your house for you before you got back, otherwise I wouldn’t have let her do it. But … I figured if you care about her as much as you say you do then you must trust her. Plus, after talking to her for the last four days I’ve really come to trust her myself. She’s definitely a keeper.
So, there you have it. Avery, the girl you held captive in your house is apparently planning on returning to the scene of the crime to clean it up for your return. Now, if I didn’t know any better I’d say she really cares about you. And doesn’t that seem like a hell of a lot better way to go about starting a relationship? You know, free will, and all that jazz.”
“Of course I do. I knew what I was doing was idiotic. Every day that went by I knew I was ruining my chances with her, but I didn’t know what else to do.”
“Well, apparently no chances were ruined. She seems to have a pretty thick skin where being held captive is concerned. So, are you ready for some yummy yummy oatmeal?” he said with a smile as he picked up the bowl.
“I think I can handle feeding myself,” I said as I took the oatmeal out of his hand.
“Well, it looked like you were pretty happy to have Avery holding your cups and glasses for you. I saw what went on in here.”
“Hey, I was wounded.”
“Yeah, sure,” he said with a smile. “I gotta tell you, it was pretty damn cute looking in here and seeing you guys together. I’m really happy for you. I hope this all works out for both of you.”
“I hope so too,” I said as I spooned some oatmeal into my mouth.
“Well, just try not to freak out about it. Let it happen and see where it takes you. You never know, it might not be as scary or hard as you think.”
“You’re right, freaking out has done jack shit for me all my life,” I said as I rested my head against the wall. I wanted to believe that things could change because imagining my life like it was before Avery was the scariest thing I could think of.
“You have no idea how much I appreciate everything you’ve done for me, Landen. Really. Thanks again.”
“No problem, just a little bit of fatherly advice,” he said with a chuckle as he gave my arm a little punch.
“What do you mean, fatherly advice? What did Avery tell you?”
“About what?” He said with a confused look on his face.
“She didn’t say anything to you about my father?”
“No, why would she? I thought you never knew your father.”
“Well, yeah, that’s one way to put it.”
“What do you mean? I feel like I’m missing something.”
“Well, I never told you the whole story about my father. I guess I was just embarrassed and confused at the time, but it turns out that I did know him.”
“Really? Like he came to visit you but didn’t tell you who he was?”
“No, like he pretended to be my mother my whole life,” I said as I watched his reaction. For some reason I was half expecting him to laugh.
“What? Are you fucking kidding me? How did he … I mean, when did you … how the hell did you find out?”
“The funeral director called me when he was embalming the body and asked if I was sure I wanted my dad buried in a dress and that was basically it. I never saw him after that, I just told him to bury the body in those clothes and to close the coffin and stick it in the ground.”
“Wow, way back then? Man, that’s really harsh. I’m so sorry. I wish you would’ve told me.”
“Well, I don’t know how much it would have mattered?”
“I don’t know, I think it might have helped.”
“You’ve helped more than you realize. After she … or he … died I was able to find you again and that was a lifesaver in itself. I needed a friend and you’ve always been there for me. I mean, look at me, you saved my freaking life, and you let me go on and on about Avery when I didn’t know what the hell I was doing and I felt like I was losing my mind. You’re the one person in the world I’ve always been able to count on to not judge me for making really bad decisions.”
“Well, who am I to judge anyone. And Avery sure as hell sounds to me like someone you’ll be able to count on too.”
“Yeah. I mean, she’s still got a hell of a lot to overlook … what with the killing people and all. I don’t know, I’ve been thinking a lot over the last few days, about what I said about maybe quitting.”
“Yeah, I get it. I do. I’ve entertained the notion a few times myself.”
“Really? Like just stop everything?”
“Well, I’m pretty sure I couldn’t just stop cold turkey. It seems like it might be a little more than a bad habit, like I’ve tried to convince myself, but I think it’s possible.”
“I’d really like to get all the junk and the heads and the cage out of my house and maybe just try to start over.”
“Well, don’t forget what I said. I want those heads! Those things are awesome. I could totally set up a whole room here just for them, and you could come over and visit them any time you want,” he said with a smile. “In fact … I mean, I don’t want to sound like some sort of enabler,” he said as he emphasized the word, “but if you ever want to just come over and hang out and maybe bring a girl back here from the salon for both of us to work on I’d be totally open to that. I mean, that’s what you were planning on doing with the last one, right?”
“Well, I hadn’t really planned on sharing her,” I said with a laugh. “But, yeah, that is what I had planned to do. I mean, I’d have to think about it. I have to think about a lot of stuff. And I wouldn’t want to lie to Avery about it or go behind her back. I just have to wait and see how everything plays out when I see her again. I feel like I just want to stay in bed for a year and alternate between sleeping and watching really bad TV. Then maybe after all that do some heavy duty thinking.”
“Well, you can stay here as long as you need to. And hey, how about instead of bad T
V I set you up with some classic black and white stuff. I’ve got some really great creepy old shows that I’m sure you’d love. I can stream them into the TV in here if you’re into it.”
“Sure, sounds cool.”
“Mind if I join you?”
“Ha! Not at all, but just remember, you’ll never take Avery’s place holding my cup.”
“I’m crushed,” Landen said as he turned to set up the TV.
22
AVERY
“Come in,” I yelled at the knock at my door. I figured it was probably Barbara, I had just texted her and told her that Colin and Landen were on their way back to Colin’s house and I knew she would want to come up and talk.
“So, today’s the day, huh?”
“Yeah, Colin’s coming home. I guess he’s doing a lot better and Landen thinks that he’ll be fine on his own until he heals completely.”
Joey ran over to where I was sitting on the window seat and put his paws on my leg.
“Hey there, Joey-Jo-Jo,” I said as I grabbed his little face with both hands.
“So what’s your plan? Are you going to see him?” Barbara asked as she flopped down on my bed.
“Yeah, of course. I mean, I know how you feel. I know you still don’t trust him, but I’ve never felt this way about anybody in my life. I want to help him in any way that I can.”
“Help him? You mean like help him stop killing people?”
“Well, that wasn’t exactly what I had in mind,” I said with a laugh. “I was thinking a little smaller scale at first. I mean, I really just want to help him settle in and get better. Then, after that, I’ll see how everything goes. I want him to know that I’m there for him and that I’m not expecting anything from him. And if things work out that will be great, but if they don’t, they don’t.”
I looked out at the window of Colin’s room. The curtains were parted and the window were wide open and I felt like maybe things could work out, that we could start over.
“I went over there and cleaned up his place quite a bit …”
“I know, you’ve been gone almost all day for the last two days. Did you find anything weird?”
