by S. K. Hardy
“See?” Darrell teased when he saw it. “You can’t even deny it, can you?”
“I guess not.”
“And you wanted me just as much as I wanted you, didn’t you?” Darrell’s voice lowered to an intimate level that was so seductive, it wrapped around them like a warm, fuzzy blanket. “The chemistry was off the damn charts between us from the very beginning.”
Jerra swallowed as she looked up at him. “Still is,” she admitted.
Darrell let out a long breath. He lowered his lips a bit until they hovered over hers. The tension around them lingered, suspended in the air, only now it was a tension of a different kind.
Darrell stared at her through eyes that were hazy with love and lust for her. “I don’t wanna lose what we have, Jerra. Do you?”
Jerra brought her hands up and placed the palms flat on his hard chest. Darrell’s pecs jumped at the contact.
She licked her lips. “We moved so fast, Darrell. Sometimes I think we may have moved a little bit too fast. We were married and expecting a baby three months after we met…”
He shook his head. “I don’t wanna hear that. Things turned out the way they were supposed to. Don’t ever doubt that. So I’m asking you again, are you gonna help me fight to keep it? Do you even want to?”
“I…” Jerra paused for a moment before continuing. “About Lorenzo. He was just a good friend, but that’s all.”
Darrell released the breath he’d been holding and nodded.
She gazed deeply into his eyes for a long, searching moment. “Darrell, you called her for a reason.”
Darrell threw his head back and briefly closed his eyes. He thought they were getting somewhere but obviously they were still on two different pages. “Jerra…”
“No, listen to me. I…I believe you when you say you called her to get information about the Pattels. I do.”
Darrell’s lips parted in surprise. Hope flared in his eyes, but not for long.
“But…” With that one word, Jerra extinguished his growing enthusiasm.
Darrell’s frown was instant. “But what?”
“I feel like there’s a reason why you keep holding on to her, why you won’t let go, why even now, your first instinct was to call her instead of coming to me. And it’s not because I think you’re still in love with her,” Jerra hurried to say when he started to protest. “I know you love me.”
“Then…baby, I don’t understand where you’re goin’ with this. I’m tryin’, I really am.”
Jerra bit her lip in consternation. She already knew what his reaction would be about the suggestion she was going to make, but at this point, Jerra didn’t know what else to do.
“I think you should talk to someone.”
Darrell’s body grew rigid underneath her hands. He didn’t move an inch, but she felt him withdrawing mentally. She licked sudden dry lips with the tip of her tongue before rushing to finish.
“I know we’ve discussed this a couple of times, but–”
Scowling impatiently, Darrell cut her off with a shake of his head. “Yeah, and my answer is the same now as it was then. Jerra, I ain’t layin’ on nobody’s couch while they poke around at the thoughts in my head.”
He stepped back and gestured to himself with a charming grin that usually allowed him to get his way. “I’m great, baby. The dysfunctional people responsible for bringing me into this world are the ones with the problem.”
Jerra knew he was deliberately trying to make light of the situation, but she couldn’t help but notice the strain on his face. “I agree. And because of that you grew up with some serious issues, which is understandable.”
“Issues?” He spat the words out in distaste. “So what, you think I’m crazy now?”
“Of course not! You know that’s not what I mean. But I do think you have some abandonment issues that you need to talk about and work through…especially after today.”
Darrell bit down on his lip and laughed under his breath, but didn’t say anything as Jerra forged ahead.
“You’re the one who convinced me to go into therapy when we first got married.”
Chin tilted upwards, he leveled her with a long side-stare. “That was different. You went through hell growing up, and while my childhood wasn’t somethin’ out of a fairy tale, I didn’t have to live through what you did because of your step-father.”
Darrell’s face was tight with fury, but Jerra saw the fear he’d felt for her as well.
“Earl was scum. I saw the terror on your face when you introduced us. If I hadn’t listened to that little voice inside my head that told me to go back to your condo…if I’d continued on to the airport…” His eyes ran over her, lost in memories of that day he found Earl attacking her. “I just wish the hell I could’ve been there to witness him drawing his last breath in prison. Hell, I wish I could’ve slit his throat myself instead of…”
He let the sentence trail off, but Jerra knew what he’d been about to say. They’d never actually talked about Earl being murdered in prison, but Jerra knew Darrell was responsible for arranging it. She didn’t know how he’d done it, and she didn’t care. She was just glad Earl was dead. Eventually, he would have gotten out and once he did, Jerra had no doubt he would’ve found her again and started terrorizing her the same as before. God forbid that would have ever happened, especially with Giselle in her life now.
She watched as Darrell turned away to compose himself. He’d proven to her that he would do anything to protect her, protect his family; she would do no less for him. That’s why she wanted him to find a way to make sense of the circumstances that caused the emotional scars he carried around before they destroyed them.
“I’m so grateful that you encouraged me to talk to someone, Darrell. It didn’t happen overnight, but eventually, I healed and came to terms with my past. I just want you to do the same.” She paused, hesitant to say her next words, but she’d been thinking about it a lot and wanted to share it with him. “I think one of the reasons you possibly cling to Roni is–”
He shot her a look mixed with anger, outrage, and incredulity. He was trying to hold it together, but could feel himself on the verge of exploding, and God knows he didn’t want to do that.
“Jerra, stop. I don’t cling to Roni. Damn. Come on, now.”
“Okay, let me rephrase that. I think one of the reasons you can’t completely cut ties with her is because she represents a time when you truly felt loved for the first time in your life. Loved and safe.”
Darrell started pacing back and forth, his discomfort clearly evident. Jerra was pushing him and he needed her to stop because the turbulence churning around inside of him was building up to a colossal disaster. He could feel it.
He struggled to keep his voice calm. “Why are we even discussing this? I more or less admitted that to you when I told you about my past with her, and that’s exactly what Roni is. My past. Please leave her there. Stop trying to find a more complex meaning behind me calling her. Believe me, it’s not that deep.”
Jerra shook her head sadly. “You’re missing my point. I’m trying to tell you–”
“Will you just stop!” Chest heaving, Darrell glared at her through eyes which were now dark with emotion. Knotting his hands into fists to stop the trembling. “What do you want me to say, Jerra? Huh? Exactly what is it you want to hear?”
Jerra saw the pain shielded behind his anger and irritation. “I want you to talk to me. Tell me how you feel instead of keeping it locked inside all the time. Even now, as close as we are, there’s still a part of you I can’t reach. The wounds are still there, Darrell. They’re real. You need to understand the cause of them first before you can accept your past and heal. If you don’t, the pain is going to stay with you and you’ll never be free of it. If you can’t talk to me, or even Marcus, I just think it’s time to seek outside help.”
Squinting at her through narrowed eyes, Darrell nodded before taking several steps backwards. “Okay. You wanna know how I feel? W
hat I’m thinkin’? Fine. This is what I think. When a child is born a mother automatically loves and protects that child, right? You’ve been one of the best examples I’ve ever seen of that. I came into this world knowing I wasn’t loved, wasn’t wanted. Tina couldn’t wait to unload me off to that orphanage and forget I ever existed. After a while, I just said fuck her. I simply tried not to care anymore.”
“But you did care,” Jerra interjected softly.
Darrell’s jaw clenched in agitation. “I saw her once when I was ten or eleven. Or at least I think I did.”
Jerra looked at him in surprise. “Where? I mean, I knew you’d found her before you left to come to Las Vegas, but…”
“It was brief. I was on a field trip to the zoo with the orphanage. Marcus and me missed the last one because I’d done something or the other to earn a punishment–as usual–so I wasn’t allowed to go. Even though Marcus had been talkin’ about that damn trip for weeks, if I wasn’t goin’, neither was he.” A short chuckle escaped Darrell as he shook his head. “Even then, the loyalty the two of us had to each other was crazy strong. The next time we had a chance to go, he all but told me he was gonna kick my ass if I messed it up again,” he laughed. “The last trip he’d had with his parents and sister had been to the zoo, so he wanted to go bad. It was hard, but I stayed on my best behavior, much to the surprise and probably dismay of the nuns.”
“You were allowed to go on the trip this time?” Jerra asked.
“Yep. It was cool. I acted like I was bored as fuck, but I enjoyed it. First time I’d ever been. I remember thinking that it was the best day of my life…but it didn’t last long. We were in line to get ice cream. That’s when I saw her. She was with her husband and a baby that I now know was Gabby. I hadn’t seen my mother in over five years, but I knew it was her. I had an old picture that I’d brought to the orphanage with me, kept it hidden in a shoebox under my bed. She still looked the same, only more beautiful.”
Darrell bit down on his lip as he was transported back to that particular day. He remembered how his heart had started beating rapidly in his chest. He’d felt light headed because he’d been holding his breath the entire time. Excitement mingled with disbelief. He was looking at his mother. His mom. She seemed so…happy. The three of them looked like a normal family. She and her husband had been laughing at something Gabby had done. It was clear from the expressions on their faces that they adored her. All Darrell had been able to think about was maybe…maybe she wanted him now. Maybe he could be a part of the family too.
“I stood there staring at her for what seemed like the longest time. When they started to walk away, I didn’t even realize I’d started moving towards them until Marcus called my name. The nuns grabbed my arm, but I jerked away and kept walking. It took three or four of them to pull me back and subdue me.” Darrell cleared his throat and blinked. “Let’s just say it wasn’t pretty after that. I fought them for everything I was worth to get to my mother, but those were some strong ass nuns.” He laughed but the sound came out hollow and bereft. “I screamed for her as loud as I could, called her by her full name. There was no way she didn’t hear me, but…” Darrell shrugged. “I don’t know, maybe she didn’t. Hell, maybe it wasn’t even her because she just kept walking.”
“Oh, Darrell.” Jerra took a step towards him to give him comfort, but Darrell shook his head for her to stop as he continued.
“You know, when Marcus talked about his family, I would sometimes pretend that they were mine too. Sometimes, I was even able to convince myself that the memories Marcus shared with me were my own experiences. Some days, I could almost swear I remember playing catch with his father or laughing as his mother took me to football practice…or….or teasing Alexis and gettin’ in trouble.” He looked at Jerra with so much sorrow in his eyes that she almost broke down. “Crazy, huh?”
At that exact moment, their attention was caught by a movement at the door. Seeing Tina standing there, Darrell’s lips parted to ask her if everything was okay. Then it hit him. She’d heard what he just told Jerra. The look of guilt on her face told him everything. He stared at her with a mixture of shock and disbelief.
“It was you, wasn’t it? You…you saw me that day. Didn’t you?” he asked in a thick, raspy voice. When she didn’t answer, Darrell walked a couple of steps closer. “You saw me and…and you didn’t even say anything? Just…walked away?”
Tina’s throat worked as she struggled to get the words out. “I…I wasn’t sure at first. I’d only caught a glimpse of you in the group of children you were with. I convinced myself it couldn’t possibly be you. Then…then I saw you in line to get ice cream and caught you staring at me.”
Darrell nodded and inhaled a shaky breath. “I knew I wasn’t crazy. I thought I saw you look at me. Didn’t you hear me calling you?”
She hesitated before nodding in a nervous gesture. “Yes. So did my husband. I managed to convince him that he was mistaken. Darrell, he wouldn’t have understood, so I…I just…walked away.”
Darrell shook his head, calling himself every kind of fool he could think of. He admitted he’d been tempted to believe Tina had changed, but people as selfish and self-centered as her never did. Something inside of them wouldn’t allow them to.
“Swear to God, every time I think my opinion of you is at its lowest point, you surprise me and lower it even further.” The loathing Darrell felt for her burned brightly in his eyes.
“It was a long time ago. I wish you could just let it go.” Tina advanced into the room and reached a hand out as if to touch Darrell’s shoulder, but he glared in warning until her hand slowly lowered to her side.
Long strides carried him to his bureau where he yanked a drawer open. Snatching the first shirt his hand touched, he shot Tina a look that practically secreted venom as he pulled it on.
“Let it go, huh?” he muttered. “Yeah. I’mma do just that. Maybe that bullshit about hearing his version of events might not be bullshit after all. Ain’t that somethin’?”
Wariness crept into Tina’s eyes. She glanced at Jerra with a question in her eyes then looked back at Darrell. “Who are you talking about?”
“Pattel. My ‘father’,” Darrell said in a voice full of sarcasm. “Cocky mu’fucka actually had the balls to call himself that too.”
Tina blanched. “You spoke to him, to Isaac?” she whispered.
“When?” Jerra fired the question at him right behind Tina’s.
“At Angel’s. He called Lorenzo. A part of me was curious so I got on the phone to talk to him.”
Darrell studied Tina long and hard as if trying to see beneath the deceptive layers she chose to show them. “What’s wrong? Look like you’ve seen a ghost,” he taunted. “Since it seems like you have an idea of what he said, is there somethin’ you wanna tell me?”
CHAPTER 13
Tina’s chin lifted a notch at his mocking tone. “I’ve already explained to you the type of man Isaac Pattel is. I don’t know what he told you, but you can’t believe anything he says.”
“Funny, he says the same thing about you, Mother.” Darrell couldn’t help but grin at the term. Just associating the title to Tina was as amusing to him as Isaac addressing himself as Darrell’s father. “In fact, he says he has proof that you’re not telling the truth. But I said, my mother? A liar? Nahhhh.” His insult was not lost on Jerra or Tina. “He saw I wasn’t convinced, though. Wants me to come to New York so that he can show it to me.”
If possible, Tina’s complexion seemed to pale even more. “You can’t do that!”
Darrell shifted his feet, planting his long legs wide. Biceps bulging underneath the material of his shirt, he clasped his hands in front of him, his burning gaze never leaving her for one second.
“Why not?” he asked quietly. “What are you afraid he’ll tell me?”
Normally Jerra would’ve stepped between them by now, but she stayed back and decided to let things play out. It was past time for them to get everything
out in the open. Besides, she saw the same thing Darrell obviously did: Tina was hiding something. She wanted to know what.
“You look so much like him right now it’s almost scary,” Tina whispered.
Darrell’s eyes had all the warmth of an overcast sky on cold, bitter day. “I’m going to ask you again. What aren’t you telling me?”
Tina’s eyes went to Jerra. Her lips tightened when her normally supportive daughter-in-law made no effort to intervene. “Does the past even matter anymore, Darrell? We’re on our way to becoming a family, aren’t we? Don’t let Isaac destroy all of that.”
Darrell blew out a half laugh. “He can’t destroy a damn thing if he’s tellin’ lies, can he? That’s what I’m havin’ a problem with. I’m not stupid. If he’s not tellin’ the truth, you have nothin’ to be worried about, right? So what I want you to do is tell me he’s lying. Look me straight in my face and swear to me he’s lying about what he said.”
Tina stared into eyes that were identical to her own. Her lips parted to do as he requested, but…she couldn’t.
When she merely looked away in silence, Darrell let out a string of colorful curses. Pulling his gaze away from her, he looked back at Jerra while jabbing a finger in Tina’s direction. “You wanna know why I’m so fucked up? Why I have issues, as you put it? You lookin’ at the reason right there. She’s why.”
The sudden coolness in Tina’s voice matched Darrell’s. “I suppose I don’t get a chance to tell my side?”
“Your side?” Darrell stared at her in disbelief. “I thought that’s what you’d done. Now you want to change your story? Tha’ fuck outta here.”
“Darrell.” Jerra’s voice was quiet, but the admonishment could still be heard.
Running a hand down the back of his hair, Darrell walked towards the window on the far side of the room, staring out of it without really seeing anything. He fought to control the explosive energy surging throughout his body, but it was getting harder with every second that ticked by.
