The questions were always the same. I answered them with a reassuring smile that told people it was okay, they could talk to me, I wasn’t going to snap. Still, no one hung around longer than a few minutes. I pretended not to notice when people crossed to the other side of the street as I passed by. Mothers would shield their children from me and I would turn a blind eye. They thought of me as dangerous and, in a way, I was.
Since that night, I’d changed. My one true purpose in life was to be a Navy SEAL. Once that happened I felt whole. Complete. After Young died, everything changed. Nothing about my life as a SEAL felt real anymore. I changed. I hardened. I really did become dangerous, but only to myself.
I started questioning who I was, who I was meant to be. I doubted whether I was ever really meant to be a SEAL. I questioned everything.
That’s why I was discharged. They didn’t discharge me with negative marks. It didn’t feel like a dismissal or a rejection. I spent almost five years with my team. We had successfully completed over a hundred missions. We were indestructible. Until we weren’t.
When we lost Young, everything fell apart. Our team stopped being a team. We lost our connection, our bond. We all drifted apart and, slowly, we all retired. It didn’t make sense to a lot of our fellow SEALs, but they weren’t there that night. To them, when you lose a guy you grieve and move on. You keep fighting. You keep working. You let the loss fuel the fire in your gut. Your job does not end. But to us, everything ended.
Our job no longer felt like ours. It felt as if we were playing dress-up in someone else’s clothes. We weren’t really us anymore. We were just shadows of our former selves and nothing anyone said could change that.
I kept running, past house after house, without knowing where I was going. It wasn’t until I was turning onto her street that I realized where I’d been headed all along. The Prewitt’s house was at the very end of Tuckerton Court. I’d been there a thousand times, but not for years. When I saw Mr. and Mrs. Prewitt in town they always waved politely. They never spoke to me. I don’t blame them. They didn’t like me back then and I was certain their feelings hadn’t changed.
The closer I got to the Prewitt’s the more confused I became. Every other house was pitch black, but there was a faint orange light peering out from beneath the oak tree in the front yard. I ran faster, wanting to get a closer look. I knew what room was behind that tree.
I stopped in front of the house and stared at the window with my mouth hanging open. I told myself it was nothing, it didn’t mean that she was home. As far as I knew, Piper hadn’t been home in five years. Not long after I left town she left for New York, just like she always planned. I hadn’t spoken to her since. She never returned my calls or my letters, but I knew through the town gossip that she’d moved. I was proud of her when I found out, she was doing exactly what she always wanted to do.
Still, I hated not seeing her around town. Everywhere I went reminded me of her. I had so many memories of our time together that I couldn’t imagine Bradberry without her in it. To me, Bradberry was Piper and Piper was Bradberry. Always.
Staring up at her window I tried to see some movement inside. I strained my eyes, desperately trying to catch a glimpse of her shadow. Something, anything, that would tell me it was really her. That she was really home. I prayed to see her hand inch around the side of the curtains and pull them aside. I would have given anything to see her blue eyes or watch her dark curls catch the light just right.
After a few minutes, I knew I needed to move, but I couldn’t bring myself to leave that spot. My feet were cemented to the ground, my eyes locked on that orange light. I couldn’t explain it, even to myself, but I could feel her. She was closer than she’d been in years and I could feel her presence like it was calling out to me. My entire body was being tugged forward by something deep inside my soul. I didn’t realize what I was doing until I was halfway across the lawn, trekking a determined path toward the front door.
Just as quickly as I started moving, I stopped. I shook my head and turned around. I half-ran back to the street. My legs protested, my body longed to go back to the door, but I pushed harder against myself until I was sprinting down the street. I ran hard and fast, not stopping until I was all the way back home. My feet felt like lead, but I forced them to keep moving until I was safely back inside my bedroom. I couldn’t believe what I’d almost done.
Walking up to the Prewitt’s door at two in the morning because I thought Piper might be inside? What good would that have done? I could only imagine the look on Mr. Prewitt’s face if he’d opened the door.
I threw myself on my bed and sighed. I felt like I was losing my mind. After waking up in a panicked sweat the last thing I needed was to confront Piper after all these years. Besides, I didn’t even know if she was home. It was just a feeling after all, just an old instinct that told me she was there.
I forced my eyes closed and told myself I was imagining it. There probably hadn’t even been a light on in that room. I was seeing things. Shit. My mind was playing tricks on me.
After dreams about that night with Young I always felt shaken and confused. Running was the only thing that cleared my mind. I told myself I was probably still shaken up when I passed Piper’s house. I was hoping to see her, that was all.
Sleep continued to evade me for the rest of the night, but I remained still. My head was pressed against my pillow and my blanket was wrapped tightly around my body. Whenever I got the urge to leave my bed, I pulled it even tighter. I told myself it would hold me together, keep my mind and my body in check, but I knew that wasn’t true. I knew nothing could hold me together anymore.
Five
Piper
“You aren’t ready yet?!” Audra’s annoyed voice snapped me out of my daydream.
“I was having a nice moment and you just ruined it,” I said as I turned around to glare at her.
“A nice moment? You were staring out the window.”
“Exactly. It was peaceful until you showed up.”
“Cry me a river,” Audra said with a roll of her eyes. “Get dressed. We have to leave in ten minutes. Mom and Dad are already freaking out that we’ll be late.”
“They’ve been freaking out since I got here, what else is new?”
“Just hurry. Please,” Audra hissed.
“Well, since you said please,” I teased. I walked over to the closet and pulled the door open. I grew up in this room and had unpacked my things the night before, but I still felt like I was living in someone else’s home. The five years since I’d last slept in that bed and opened that closet door had put up a permanent wall between me and my parent’s home. Nothing felt like mine.
I pulled out a dark dress and some heels. Laying them on the bed, I stripped down to my underwear without realizing my sister was still in my doorway.
“What?” I snapped, “I’m getting dressed.”
“Don’t you own anything black?” Audra asked, her eyes glued to my dress.
“That is black,” I explained with a shake of my head.
“No, Piper, that’s blue,” Audra said. She walked over and picked up the dress. She held it up to my nose.
I took a step away from her and rolled my eyes.
“Fine,” I said. “It’s blue, but it’s a navy blue so no one will be able to tell the difference.”
“You didn’t pack a black dress?” Audra’s voice was beginning to gain it’s mothering quality. The last thing I needed was a full-on Audra-style lecture right before a funeral.
“I must have grabbed the wrong one,” I shrugged.
“Haven’t you heard?” A voice called from the hallway. “Navy is the new black in New York City. Our Piper here has to stay up on the latest fashion trends if she wants to stick it out in the bit city.”
“Thanks for that, Aunt Miriam,” I called back.
I caught Audra’s eye and we both erupted into silent giggled. Just like that, all tension faded from the room and Audra helped me step into my dre
ss without any further comment. She zipped me up and leaned against the dresser while I slipped on my shoes.
“So, tell me,” she began, her tone suddenly serious. “How is it being back?”
“Honestly, Aud, I don’t know.” I shook my head and gestured around the room, “All of this, it just feels surreal. It feels like an entirely different life. I’m not the same girl I was when I lived here.”
“I know that,” Audra nodded. “We all do, Pipe. No one expects you to be exactly the same. We just wanted to see you.”
“I know and I’m glad I’m here.”
Audra gave me a skeptical look. I stared at her defiantly for a few seconds before I sighed and let a small smile escape onto my lips.
“I am,” I insisted. “Even if it’s weird to be back, it’s good that I came.”
Laughter echoed up the stairs and I heard children running around in the living room. In a second, my mother would come and demand they all quiet down. This was a morning of sadness, after all. It wasn’t time for playing. Still, hearing them laugh helped make my words to Audra feel true.
“How’s Mom been?” Audra asked weakly. I glanced at her quickly, a warning in my eyes that made her quickly add, “I’m just asking.”
“It’s like I said, she’s been freaking out since I arrived yesterday. They both have.”
“No, I don’t mean about the funeral,” Audra said with a wave of her hand. “I mean about you.”
“She’s been fine,” I said evasively. “Shouldn’t we get going? I thought everyone was afraid of being late.”
Audra opened her mouth as if she were going to argue, but she soon thought better of it. She grabbed my purse from the dresser and handed it to me. After smoothing my hair and pinching my cheeks, she smiled at me in the way only a big sister can.
“Let’s do this,” she said. Her tone suggested we were going into battle and maybe we were. A Prewitt reunion, even one for a funeral, was always an interesting event.
“Do you feel sad?” I asked.
“I do,” Audra nodded. “Don’t you?”
“Not really,” I answered honestly.
“Monster,” Audra teased.
“Shut up, I hadn’t seen the man in ten years.”
“You’re going to hell,” Audra said, pretending to be serious.
“Fuck off,” I said, jabbing her in the ribs with my elbow.
“There’s that Piper Prewitt charm,” she cooed.
“I hate you.”
“You adore me.”
We stepped out into the hallway and I pulled the door closed behind me. My mother was standing at the foot of the stairs, her head tilted upward as if she were about to yell something to us.
“Oh,” she said, relaxing her neck. “You’re ready.”
“Yup,” I said as Audra led the way downstairs.
“Good, let’s go.”
Six
Piper
The funeral was large and loud. When we stepped inside the church, I immediately spotted ten cousins and four second cousins. They were all crammed in the middle of the aisle talking loudly and boisterously. If you didn’t know why we were all there, you would have thought someone was getting married not buried.
My mother led the way down the aisle, squeezing her way between relatives, stopping to say hello as she went. I kept my head down. Avoiding eye contact was the best way to get through this without someone…
“Piper?!” A voice yelled from a few feet away. Everyone in the vicinity immediately fell silent. “Piper! You came!”
I turned to see my cousin Melissa hurrying toward me. She engulfed me in a bone crushing hug before pulling away. She held onto my arms and looked me up and down.
“Ugh! You look gorgeous,” she said with venom in her voice. “I don’t know why I’m surprised, you always were the pretty one.”
“Thanks Mel,” I said softly. “You look great. How long has it been?”
“Six years!” she half-yelled. “Can you believe that?”
“No,” I shook my head and glanced around me. I caught Audra’s eye and tried to silently convey I needed help. She just laughed and made her way into a pew with the kids. I could have killed her.
“So, what have you been up to? Still in New York? How are things? Are you still a paralegal or something like that?”
“A lawyer,” I nodded. “Yeah, I’m still…”
“Oh no!” Melissa interrupted. “Looks like they’re about to start. We better sit.”
Melissa hurried away in a blur. I turned around and made my way over to Audra in a fog. When I sat down, I shoved my shoulder hard against hers.
“Ouch,” she snapped.
“I can’t believe you just left me with her!” I hissed under my breath.
“You looked like you were doing fine,” she chuckled.
“I hate you,” I told her again.
“You might want to be careful with your hatred today. I could be next, you now?” She gestured toward the casket at the front of the church.”
“Drama queen,” I mumbled.
***
At the funeral, I realized how sad I actually felt about my Uncle Jeff. It may have been a decade since I last saw him, but when the eulogies were read, I remembered everything I loved about him. It didn’t take long for me to start crying. Audra held my hand and all of our bickering was forgotten.
After everyone moved to the cemetery and we watched as Uncle Jeff was lowered into the ground, we piled into cars and drove through town toward Kellan’s pub. Uncle Jeff’s one request was an Irish wake and the Prewitts were nothing if not accommodating to the dead.
Kellan’s was decked out in pictures of Uncle Jeff. Every inch of bare wall was covered with his face. I shook my head and went straight for the bar. Grabbing two pints, I claimed a table with Audra and we raised our glasses to Uncle Jeff.
“He was a good uncle,” Audra said.
“He was a little pervy,” I reminded her.
“But good all the same,” she argued.
“Yeah,” I agreed sadly. “He was.”
“I know I already said it,” Audra began. “But I’m really glad you’re here, Pipe.”
“You’re just happy to have someone else around to incur Mom’s wrath,” I teased.
“I’m serious,” Audra said. She took a swig of her beer. “We miss you when you’re not around.”
“She’s right,” Jack, Audra’s husband, said as he pulled up a chair beside Audra.
“Where are the kids?” I asked with a nervous glance behind me.
“I set them up on the patio,” Jack said. “They’re good for a few hours.”
I nodded and took another swig of my beer. I had forgotten how good beer from Kellan’s tasted. I took another drink.
“Even Mom and Dad talk about it,” Audra continued. “Things just aren’t the same without you.”
“Is she drunk already?” I joked, looking at Jack.
“Nope,” Jack laughed. “Just sentimental. It happens when you turn thirty.”
Audra slapped Jack’s arm playfully and rolled her eyes.
“Fine,” she said. “I won’t gush over how much I miss my little sister or how badly Mom and Dad want her to move back. If it bothers you guys that much, I’ll just go check on the kids.”
“No,” I said quickly. “Audra, I’m sorry. We didn’t mean to make fun of you.”
“Yes, you did,” she snapped.
“I miss you guys, too,” I promised.
“Do you?” She asked seriously.
“Of course,” I laughed. “You’re my family.”
“Then why don’t you ever come home?” Audra demanded.
“Aud…” Jack warned.
“You know why,” I told her softly. “It’s hard for me. Being back here.”
“But it doesn’t have to be,” Audra insisted. “The more you come back, the easier it’ll become.”
“I don’t want it to be easy,” I said. “I like my life in New York.”
/> “Do you?” Audra’s skepticism annoyed me.
“Audra, don’t you remember how long I spent thinking up plans for my life? By the time I was fifteen I knew exactly what I wanted to do, who I wanted to be.”
“I remember,” Audra said.
“So, aren’t you the least bit happy for me?”
“Of course, I am,” Audra promised. “I just don’t think you are happy.”
“What does that mean?” I could feel myself getting defensive and the last thing I wanted to do was fight with my sister.
“It means that you’re drowning, Piper.”
“Drowning?” I scoffed.
“You flit from relationship to relationship, never settling down. You work crazy hours and…”
“I have a job, so what?”
“So, that job is not your entire life.”
“And you think I don’t know that?” I demanded.
“I think you’re scared,” Audra said bluntly.
“Scared?” I asked, “Scared of what?”
“Living.”
I fell silent and leaned back in my chair. As annoyed as I was with Audra, I couldn’t find it in me to argue with her anymore. She hit on a touchy subject that I didn’t want to explore. It was bad enough having to picture Logan’s face. I didn’t think I could handle having a conversation about him.
Jack sat beside Audra with a concerned look. He’d always worried about me, from the time I was a little girl and he and Audra started going out. He was a good brother, a good husband to my sister. In that moment, I wanted nothing more than to ignore my sister and focus on Jack.
“Jack,” I said pointedly. “How’s work going?”
“Oh,” Jack said. He glanced at Audra who just shook her head and sighed. “It’s really good. Things have been…”
Jack launched into an explanation about how wonderful business had been lately. The repair shop he owned was the only one in town, so it wasn’t like he had competition, but it was his pride and joy. He loved that shop almost as much as he loved his family. It was his goal in life to pass it down to his sons when they grew up.
I listened to the rise and fall of Jack’s voice, not catching every word, but happy to be sitting there listening to him. Despite what Audra thought, I did miss being in Bradberry. It was nice to see her and Jack. It was nice to see my cousins and even Aunt Miriam. As much as I hated to admit it, I was even happy to see my parents. There was only one thing keeping me away from Bradberry and it didn’t have anything to do with my family.
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