by Thia Finn
“Oh, there’ll be some ball sucking going on. Don’t worry.” The whole group laughed and signed CDs, shirts, and tits flashed at us. What a strange life we’d come to think of as normal.
The next show would land us in Philly. Thank God the buses dropped us at the airport, and we’d fly to meet up with them after a short break. That meant we got to go home for a few days in between. I needed some down time, and maybe I’d get a chance to see where I stood with Halo.
When we touched down in Austin, we all woke ready to see our own homes for a change. I wondered where Halo lived now. We never talked about it when she showed up on tour. Guess I should’ve taken the time to talk to her about normal things in her life. Maybe this fucked-up situation we had going wouldn’t be so bad.
My mind told me to stay away from her. She didn’t need my shit since her own life was about to take a huge turn for the better. Halo deserved it. According to Cash, she’d come a long way in the short time she’d been singing with Hayden. She must’ve been good before or he would’ve never given her a second look.
The car dropped me at my house. The lock made a hard click as I turned it. When I shut the door behind me, the sound echoed in the emptiness. Shit. My fucking life mimicked that sound. I looked around. Guitars, furniture, toys, hell, even the house. Just things. Things I accumulated over the years. None of this brought lasting happiness. It only represented brief moments of instant pleasure. Now, it stared at me with cold indifference.
All I had were things with no real meaning. Things to take up time, kinda like the women I’d been with since the band left on tour the first time. They were only something to mark moments until the next stop. I honestly had nothing lasting that counted. Is this what I had to look forward to when I grew old?
I had to get out of here. I couldn’t do this now. I found the keys to my pride and joy in the garage, my 1965 Roush Shelby Cobra. One more toy that only provided momentary fun. I pulled the cover off of her and ran my hand over the sleek, shiny blue fender down to the round headlights.
She quietly waited for me to show her some love. Her patience for attention would only last so long, though. She would die a slow death looking for me. Maybe I should let her go so someone else could give her a real life. A guy who could love her the way she needed. A man who would use her body and soul until she could go no further without refueling. One who would know exactly how far to push her each time he touched the right buttons or found the sweet spot in her pedal. I knew I could never do that. My need for her grew too strong. She had to be part of me now.
The engine roared to life with a purr only this motor could make. I loved driving her, a wet dream on the open road. I needed space between me and my fucked-up mind. I turned west and headed out of Austin, leaving the city and traffic far behind. I took the back roads speeding toward the full ball of fire close to the horizon. Once I finally hit a highway, I opened her up and let her have her head to stretch those horses to full capacity.
The tires’ whirr over the black pavement sang a song causing me to think of the melody I’d heard Halo singing. Was she in the studio this evening working on the new music? Maybe she was out with Hayden talking about what they planned to accomplish in the next month? She might be home relaxing from being gone for so long.
It seemed like no matter where I went, my mind drifted back to Halo. I wished she thought about me like that, but why would she? Her opinion of me and what I’d been doing for the last eight years hadn’t changed. If anything, it seemed like I did everything to reconfirm the worst about me. I needed to do something about that.
I had serious doubts about whether she’d want me at this point, but I could make changes. I knew the right things to do. I just hadn’t been practicing for eight years to be the kind of man a woman could count on. I needed to rethink my priorities. I wanted to be that man, the type of guy who people respected. The others made this change, and they were no different than me.
My parents raised me to be a better man. Halo inspired me to want to do that now. I was a kid when we were together before. I could show her those days of hard partying, drinking to intoxication, wildly spending money, and chasing every skirt that caught my eye were over. Mostly being a man- whore had to go, as in buried and put away for good. A big shift in my life needed to occur so she would see the man I wanted to be for her.
I stopped the Shelby on the upside of a hill, and my eyes followed the lines of my headlights. My gaze traced the lines upward. I could clearly see with the bright lights. I had an uphill battle in front of me if I planned to do what was necessary to show her that man. I checked behind me and saw nothing but darkness.
“Yeah, you dumbshit, that’s where you’ve been,” I spoke the words aloud. Looking into the round side mirror for a few minutes, I finally flipped a U on the empty highway and sped back toward the glow of lights hovering over Austin. Bright lights looked a whole lot better than dark, empty space.
Chapter Thirty
I walked in my house feeling different this time around. I had a purpose other than the band. The woman I knew was the one had waited long enough. A plan formed as I took stock of my home. The designer I used planned every space for my entertainment. I hated the black and chrome. The sleek but uninviting lines of the couches only served one purpose—to seduce the women I occasionally brought here.
I never hung out in this room. I stayed in my man cave that I refused to let her touch. Tomorrow, this would change. It could all go. Start over. New, fresh, just like me. I scrolled through my contacts until I found her and sent off a text for her to show up early in the morning. She made loads off of me the first time, so I knew she would comply with my wishes.
I dialed my phone.
“Gunner?” I didn’t wait for him to say hello.
“What’s wrong?” His voice held some panic.
“I need your help. Can you come over, or I’ll come there?”
“Dude, we just got home. I’m kinda in the middle of something spectacular at the moment.”
“Shit, sorry. I forgot.”
“What’s going on?”
“Never mind. Can you come over in the morning? I need to talk.”
“Talk? Like in exchanging feelings or some shit like that? My man-card is firmly seated between my legs.”
“No, not feelings.” I hesitated. “Yeah, maybe some feelings. Hell, I don’t know. Maybe you need to bring Lola with you.”
“You need mine and Lola’s help? Are you okay? Do I need to call 911?”
“No, dickwad, you don’t need to call 911. I’m asking for some help from my friends who understand me.”
“Awe, I feel special.”
“Shut up, dickwad. I’d come for you.”
“I don’t want you to come for me. Not now. Not ever.” We both laughed at that idea.
“Okay, okay. Go back to Lola, and I’ll see you both in the morning.”
“Yeah, we’ll be there but don’t expect us at the butt crack of dawn. We’ve got better things to do then.”
“Right, but not noon either, please.”
“Later.” He ended the call.
I looked around some more and made mental notes about all I wanted changed. By the time I finished, my house would take on an entirely new appearance, one more like the kind of adult I planned to become. I walked into my bedroom, and it disgusted me thinking about the times women were in here and the things we’d done.
I decided to sleep across the hall in the guest bedroom. If someone had had sex in here, it wasn’t me so I felt better about sleeping in it. I stripped and landed face first in the clean sheets. I knew I could sleep now.
The doorbell woke me up. “What the fuck? Who came over this early? I slid my jeans back on and went downstairs. “I’m coming. Quit ringing the damn bell.”
I glanced at the large metal clock on the wall. “Hmm. Eleven already? I guess I needed some sleep.”
I opened the door and Gunner and Lola stood there. The pissed look he gave me h
ad me laughing.
“You little shit. You tell us to get here early, and you’re not even out of bed.” He barged past me, tugging Lola by the hand. “Where’s the coffee? And where’s breakfast? It’s the least you can do making us give up our morning in bed.”
“Uh, I’ll make some. Have a seat.” I gestured at the island in the kitchen and started on the coffee. “I’ll order some breakfast and have it delivered.”
“I didn’t know some places would deliver breakfast,” Lola said climbing on the tall barstool.
“I pay them extra so they don’t mind. I do it all the time. They’re used to it.”
Gunner raised an eyebrow and glanced sideways at Lola.
“What? I like breakfast with or without company, and I sure as hell am not making it.”
“You’d actually have to have groceries to cook and maybe some cooking lessons.”
“If we lived here all the time, I’d get a housekeeper to do that but what’s the point right now?” Yeah, something else an adult would do, have groceries or a housekeeper. One more thing for the list.
“My decorator was supposed to be here early this morning. Guess she didn’t get my message.”
Lola pulled a card from her shorts pocket. “You mean Dream Designs of Austin?” she read from the card. “Looks like you might have slept through it.”
“Shit. I must’ve been more exhausted than I thought.” She laid the card on the counter.
I poured them both a cup and put the cream and sugar between us before I pulled a cola from the fridge. I picked the decorator’s card up and texted her begging her to return asap. Thankfully, she responded she would.
“Why are we here, Carter? And didn’t you get this place redone when you moved in?”
I opened my bottle and drank down more than half.
“Diabetes much?” she said. Yeah, her nurse panties wadded up over my bad sugar habits.
“No, it’s the way I like it.” I drank another long drink. “Ahh. Perfect.”
“Back to my question, short attention span,” Gunner reminded me.
“Yeah, so, like I said it all goes together. I’ve come to some conclusions about my fucking life and myself that I don’t like.” They both stared at me. “Some changes are going to be made in my life starting now.”
“Really? And you need us to do a self-improvement sitcom?”
“Dude, I’m being serious. Last night when I got home, this house felt like a dungeon, dark and cold. I’m not talking BDSM style either. No sir, no fun and games here. I hated it and myself for making it that way. I plan to change it all: the house, me, my life.”
“And where do you plan to start on Carter’s Big Adventure or is this going to be Carter’s Playhouse?”
“It’s not an adventure. It’s a shift of thinking. A paradigm shift.”
“A what? Have you been playing on your thesaurus app or something?”
“No, it’s an about-face change.”
“I know what it is, dickwad. I’ve never heard you talk like you have more than a third-grade education outside of music.”
“Now that shit cuts deep, my friend.”
“Don’t ‘my friend’ me. I’ve known you a helluva long time, and you’ve been pretty fucking happy forever. Why the change now?”
“That’s just it. Everyone thinks I’m only good for two things, music and fucking.” Lola snorted and spit coffee across the island.
“Oops, sorry.” She jumped for a napkin wiping herself and counter.
“Well, some people would say just fucking, but we’ll leave that alone since I don’t want Lola drowning in coffee.” Gunner laughed at his own joke since Lola was still trying to recover from my statement.
“Yeah, yeah, said the drummer to the bass player. I get your fucking musician joke.” I gave him a quick smile. “I’m serious, and I need y’all to be serious, too.”
They both did their best to wipe the smiles off their faces. Lola sat up straight in her chair and gave me her best salute. “Okay, Carter. I’m ready. Lay it on me.”
“Don’t tell him shit like that. You know how he’ll take it.” Gunner’s reaction to Lola’s statement went exactly how I expected it to.
“See, right there. That’s the shit I’m talking about. I can be more than the guy who doesn’t have limits, who only thinks about where my next lay’s gonna come from. I can be the man a woman needs. I can do adulting just like the rest of you.”
They both looked at me like I’d grown a unicorn horn.
“What? Y’all don’t fucking believe me do you?” Apparently, my disappointment in their ability to support me came across through my tone or statement or something. They quickly changed their expressions.
“Wait now,” Gunner started. “It’s not that we don’t think you have it in you, dude. It’s just that we’ve never seen you even want to do the adult thing before.”
“Yeah, sure we do, Carter. I mean, I know I’m the new one around here so I haven’t had much of a chance to see you handle too much that goes on, but I feel like you can do it if you set your mind to it.” Lola’s vote of confidence meant a lot to me. She didn’t know me all that well and yet, her comment seemed genuine.
“Hell, Carter. You’re no different than the rest of us SOBs, and we’ve proven we can grow up.” Gunner pulled Lola over to him. “Maybe it just takes the right person to bring it out in us.”
“That’s what I mean, Gun. I want to make this change for me, but I want to make it for Halo, too. She deserves someone who can man up and walk beside her, not some jerk-off who only sees her as my next bed partner.”
Lola narrowed her eyes at me. “Is that how you see her?”
“No. Well, yes, maybe before. Hell, I don’t know. That’s how I see me.”
“No wonder she put on the brakes. You don’t deserve someone like Halo if that’s how you’ve always seen her.”
“Don’t I know it.” I shook my head and hung it. “I’m fucked, and I haven’t even started on me yet.” How did I let my life evolve into such a mess?
Lola stood and put a hand on my shoulder. “I don’t think all is lost, Carter, but you’re going to have to prove to her or any woman you set your sights on, that you can be the man a woman needs in her life. She’s not going to let you treat her like a doormat that you wipe your feet on and then shut the door. From the little I’ve gotten to know her, Halo is stronger than that.”
I thought back to our first break up. “She walked away from me even when it looked like it killed her. She gathered her pride, stood tall, and left me standing there. She’d do it again, too. Only this time, I won’t let her go without a fight, no matter what it takes.”
Lola laid her hand on my arm. “Yes, she’ll walk if you don’t fix it.”
“So, if you two are through using tampons to measure your feelings, do you have a plan?” Gunner smirked at us both.
I looked at the two of them for a minute and then nodded. “To start, the bachelor palace has to go. What woman would want a place that looked this way?” I motioned around my streamlined kitchen with black and stainless everywhere. “It’s fucking cold and impersonal. I want it to look like a kitchen where a woman wants to be, even if she’s not going to do the damn cooking.”
I moved over to the living area “This all needs to go. Looks like a room you’d bring a high-priced call girl to. I want it gone. I want it inviting to guests. I want it to look like a home.” The stripper pole in the corner needed to be the first thing although we all had such fun with it.
I turned to Lola. “That’s why I asked you both here. I need you to help me. When that design lady gets here, help me pick and choose the right things.”
“This is a good start on material things, Carter, but you have to consider what you’re going to do to change you,” Lola said not as a suggestion but a need.
“Right, I’ve been thinking about what I’m going to do. You know giving up the life I’ve been living is going to be hard as hell.”
&n
bsp; She stood back and glared at me. “Oh really? Harder than watching a great person walk away, again?”
I let out a deep breath. “No.” I knew I needed someone to call me out on my shit, but Lola liked to hit below the belt. “You’re right.”
“Then you better start thinking right now about what you’re willing to do to be the kind of man she’s willing to accept. A man to make her complete. Until you do, this right here,” she waved her finger around indicating my house changes, “won’t mean a damn thing to her.”
My mind stood still. I didn’t know where to go with this. The doorbell rang hauling me back to reality. Lola opened it and asked the decorator to come in.
“So, what are we going to do this time, Carter?” I looked between Lola and Gunner.
“Change is good, right?” They both smiled at me.
Chapter Thirty-One
My mind hurt. It didn’t think in English anymore; I thought in musical notes and lyrics. I wondered if Hayden felt the same way. I needed to buy an air mattress and start sleeping at the studio. It would save me time and wear and tear on my body. We didn’t eat or sleep in normal hours. We worked until we finished. Cash made us do everything over and over until he and the producers approved.
Hayden worked with Cash before, and even he thought Cash went a little overboard on the work hours. When we walked out of rehearsals on Friday afternoon, worn out and exhausted, he stepped out of his office.
“Can I have a minute?” He turned and walked back in, and we followed. “I’ve been listening to what the producers finished mixing. I have to say, I think you two have done a first-class job. The music projects a new sound we all feel will send you to the top of the charts in no time.”
Hayden and I looked at each other and smiled. Finally, news that perked us up.
“That’s great, Cash. We needed some good news. You’ve worked us like slaves for days now. We’re worn smooth out,” Hayden spoke, and I nodded to add emphasis to his words.
