by Thia Finn
“Honey, I’m home.” No answer. Dammit. I wanted someone here to greet me. I needed a significant other to make my life feel like I’m living and not simply existing between tours.
I walked in, and I was immediately overwhelmed with the perfection of it all. A warm feeling wrapped around me. I felt at home. It had a woman’s touch everywhere I looked. The blacks and grays were gone, replaced by rich browns, deep reds and a touch of aqua here and there. It looked like Texas but in a place a woman would be happy.
It made me glad they hadn’t used whites and frilly stuff. I didn’t want it to go to the other extreme either. No one would ever describe whites and lace when talking about me. I texted Lola.
Me: It’s perfect, thanks
Lola: So glad. She will think so too
Me: Yall come over
Lola: This is Gunner. FUCK NO. Go away. Later
I smiled at his comment. Yeah, he laid right where I needed to be, wrapped in a beautiful woman’s arms that I loved.
Loved. Now there’s another term no one would use when talking about me. I hadn’t loved in such a long time, maybe I don’t know how. I loved Halo. I told her in high school I loved her, and I meant it. She meant it, too. I’m the one who fucked it all up. I did the right thing letting her go, but now that time needed to come to a halt. I needed her love again. I would have her love again. She gave it easily to me the last time. I hoped she made me earn it this time around. Maybe my appreciation of her love would be the tie that bound us.
Her phone rang and rolled over to messages.
“Hey, Halo. Uh, this is… this is Carter. I thought if you were home, I might come by and visit. We need to talk. No, I need to talk. If you’ll let me. Please.” I hung up the phone. It dinged with a text.
Halo: You can come over if you want
Me: I’ll be there in twenty. Tell me where.
I rehearsed all the things that needed to be said as I drove. She needed to know all about my life, or at least everything she wanted to know. Some of the shit I’d seen and done needed to be buried and forgotten. I bet Lola and Gunner discussed some of the same things in the beginning. I’d ask him first chance I had.
I pulled into the complex and found the building. As I walked to the door with her number, my mind replayed all the things I had to say. On the first knock, the door opened. Good, she was waiting on me.
“Hey.”
“Yeah, that’s what your text said.”
“Oh, yeah. I forgot.” I took her hand and pulled her to me for a hug. She moved easily into my arms. Damn, I missed this. Her shirt rode up under my hand on her lower back and treated me to warm skin, which made me want to continue sliding upward. I had no right to take such liberties with her body. Not yet anyway.
She pulled back. “Come in and sit down. Want a beer or something?”
“Sure, whatever you’re having is fine.”
“I’m having white wine, and I know you don’t like it. Corona?”
“Yeah, great.” We had small talk down.
“Guess you’re glad to be home.”
“You know it. Being on the road is fun, but being home is always better.” I took a hefty drink from the bottle. “Speaking of that. I want us to talk, Halo. I mean really talk.”
“What are we doing now, Carter?”
“I think we’ve been working our way around an elephant in the room since you showed up on the tour. I’m done with that. I want everything out. No more hiding.”
“I’m not hiding anything, Carter. I’m sitting right here in the open. You see me. You know who I am.”
“Yes, I do, and I want you to know I love what I see.”
“Really, because the last time you looked at me, I don’t think you saw me. I don’t know what you were seeing, but it wasn’t me.”
“The last time I saw you, things were in a shit storm we tried to keep Hayden out of.”
“What are you talking about?” How did Hayden have anything to do with this? He came home that night. Carter didn’t.
“I’m glad I get to be the one to tell you so if you’re mad, it’s at me.” He took a deep breath like he didn’t want to say what was about to come out. “That night, Hayden found some girls at the after party, and he wanted me to go with the three of them. I couldn’t let the kid go alone with these women. We hadn’t ever seen them before.”
“Uh, huh. Like he’s not a big boy?” She smiled. Guess she thought that would help this story out some.
“Yes, no. Anyway. We got in the cab and Hayden and I were pretty wasted. I thought the women were, too. One of the chicks pulled out a fucking bottle of vodka in the cab, and we tipped that bitch back and drank straight from the bottle. I took several healthy gulps because I knew it was going to be a long night from the looks of those two.” Damn, I hated telling her this shit. It already sounded bad.
“That’s pretty much all I remember. We ended up in a hotel room naked in bed together.”
“All four of you? Must have been a big bed.” She smirked at me.
“Hell no. Just me and Hayden.”
“What? Wait, I didn’t know you and he were like…” The look on her face told me where her mind went.
“No, no, no. You got it all wrong.”
“Oh, really because it sounded like you and Hayden might have had a little M/M action going.”
“Fuck no. We did not!” I raised my voice and then sat back and took a drink of my beer.
“Look, I woke up and looked around and Hayden was sleeping next to me. Not like touching me or anything. Just in the same bed.”
“Okay. This is getting interesting, Carter.” She smiled a snarky smile at me. Here I came in thinking she would be pissed off about the women, and she’s basically laughing at me.
“Stop. It’s not interesting. The whole situation went south quickly, and in the end, it could have been disastrous for Hayden’s image. And on top of that, the skanks drugged us.” Her expression sobered quickly. His reputation damaged their reputation. Now she’s getting it.
“I woke him up, and we only found our pants. No phones, no shirts, no shoes, no wallets. They robbed us, took our lifelines, and left.”
“Why didn’t you call Peri to come get you?”
“We don’t know phone numbers. I had to convince the manager to send someone to the bus to get Peri to come get us. When she arrived, we decided it made sense to get Hayden out of there. We’d been drugged, robbed, left naked. We didn’t know what they had on us. We’re still waiting to see if any photos surface, but it’s been a while so we think they weren’t smart enough to take pictures.”
“So that explains why Hayden came back and you didn’t.”
“Exactly. My rep’s already tainted with kinky shit from years of it, but Hayden’s isn’t, and he needs to keep it that way.” I didn’t take my eyes off her. I tried to judge her reaction to the story. “That’s the whole story, Halo. I promise you it’s the complete truth. I wanted to be the one to tell you, and I know you’ll be quiet about it all because it affects you as well.”
She nodded her head. “Right, I understand. Thanks for telling me.”
“The thing is, Halo, this is the kind of life I’ve lived and you’re about to live until you can’t stand it any longer. I’ve loved every minute of it but like the others, I’m tired of being alone. I’m tired of the shit that goes along with this life.”
“And yet, you choose to stay in it.”
“Hell yeah, I love the music side of things. I love being in front of the audience, making music. It’s the best life ever. The problem is all of this other shit’s part of it. Are you ready to jump into this limelight? Are you ready to be on constant public display? If what Cash says is true, you and Hayden’re headed for the big time.”
“I love the music, too, Carter, but I’m not so sure about all this other stuff. It’s so overwhelming already, and we’re not even out there yet.” She sat back next to me. I reached for her hand. I didn’t want her to think I was makin
g a move on her, but I needed to touch her or offer comfort or do something.
She laid her head on my shoulder and let out the breath she held. Damn, she smelled good, like vanilla, just like always. I kissed the top of her head and moved closer to her. Her warm body next to mine felt perfect pressed into me. She wasn’t the young girl I took the virginity from so long ago. Her woman’s body had all the right curves and soft places a man could get lost in. But now wasn’t the time. I’d take it slow and make sure it’s where she wanted to go.
“What are you thinking about, Halo? You’re too quiet for you.” I looked down at her.
“I’m thinking, what the hell have I gotten myself into?”
“Nothing yet, really. The thing is you and Hayden are on the edge. You can take the leap and fall into stardom where life quickly gets real. You’ll be wined, dined, and put on display for the world. Everyone’ll want a piece of you, literally and physically. There’re so many fake people out there who’ll want to use you for your name. Hell, the guys’ll be in line to fuck you in every way possible, and that’s literally and physically, too.”
She laughed. “I’m not you, Carter. I’m not the rock god onstage making the women cream their panties with a smoldering look or a kiss blown their way.”
“No, you’re a beautiful woman who doesn’t know the power she holds in her voice, her gorgeous face, her smokin’ hot body when you twist and turn, and a perfect ass when you shake it. You’ll have men kneeling in your presence for any crumb you throw at them.” The look she gave me made me understand exactly how much she didn’t believe what I said even though it was the absolute truth.
“Really, Carter. I think you’re exaggerating a little bit.”
“Like hell I am, Halo. I know what I’m talking about. I’ve lived it already, and you and Hayden’ll live it, too.”
Her laugh seemed forced. “I’m nothing like Chandler.”
“Yes, you are. You’re every bit as beautiful as her and you sing like an angel. Now your guitar skills are not quite hers, but…” She poked me in the side.
“I had a good teacher, remember?”
“I remember a lot of things, but I’m not sure you want to take a walk down that road tonight, do you?” My eyes narrowed as I looked at her. I’d love nothing more than to push her back on this couch and make sweet love her, but I didn’t think we needed to go there tonight.
“You’re right, Carter. Maybe we need to take another path this time around. A path adults would take instead of two horny teenagers.”
“I don’t know. Now that you say it, I kinda like that horny teenage route. It was hot when we were young.”
“Yeah, but we aren’t those kids any longer.”
“You’re right. We’re full-grown consenting adults this time around. No sneaking around or no hiding from parents.”
“Yes, and now we need to do the adult thing and be responsible.”
“Shit, I hate responsible.” I turned my lips up to a smile. “So I guess the adult thing to do is walk to the door, kiss you goodnight, and go home to an empty bed praying that I’ll get lucky next time around.”
“No. That’s not what you’re going to do.”
Now she’s talking. “Oh really?”
“We aren’t through talking.” Dammit. I thought I’d said enough.
“What do you want to talk about?” I asked her.
“When you left me behind, did you ever think or wonder about me?”
Not what I wanted to talk about at all. “Yes, Halo. I thought about you a lot in the beginning. I told you I loved you, and I meant it.”
“But you left without even looking back. You never tried to contact me.”
“No, I didn’t, and I did it on purpose. I knew what my life would become, and I couldn’t do that to you. You were too perfect to ruin with the shit we did. Dragging you through the mud I slept in held all kinds of repercussions and none of them good for you. Hell, they weren’t even good for me.”
“Oh poor boy. You look like you’ve come out scarred for life.” If she only knew the things I’d seen and done.
“You don’t even want to know, sweets.”
“You’re probably right about that. Were there ever any long-term women?” She needed honesty, and I’d give it to her.
“No. None. We were never in the same spot long enough to find one.”
“Gunner did.”
“They didn’t make a go of it until she moved to Austin. It’s still hard on them now with them living apart so much because of the tours.”
“I had lunch with her. She seems pretty happy but wants more.”
“Yeah, and so does Gunner.”
“I think she’s going to join the band on tour next time.”
“Great that’ll make him happy when she tells him and when she follows through.” So Gunner would have his woman. Ryan and Peri had their own little home on wheels—Tucker and a new one on the way. Chan and KeeMac impending wedding was on the horizon and will be on the bus together. Where does that leave me? Shit. Thinking this through made me sick.
Halo looked at me. “To me it sounds like everything for most of AD’s getting tied up with a nice little bow. Except for you, that is.”
“Yeah, you’re right. We’ll see. Anyway, are you through with the questions for me because I want this behind us?”
“I just have one more for you.” She pulled away and looked directly at me. “Where do we stand, Carter? We’ve had some amazing sex, but that’s all we’ve had. We knew the sex would be good, but there’s more to life than sex.”
“Wait, I’m still at ‘we had some amazing sex’. You thought I was amazing?” I smirked.
“Shut up, dumbass. I’m trying to be serious.”
“I know, sorry. You’re right. We’ve gotta have more than just sex. We can have more. I want to have more, which is why I’m in the process of making changes.”
“What kind of changes?”
“I want you to come to my house, so I can show you.”
“Okay, I can do that.”
“No, I mean right now.”
Chapter Thirty-Three
We exchanged very few words as we rode to my house. I needed time to think about how I wanted to play this. She’d asked me point blank about us. I should’ve been prepared. We were being honest and that question was right at the top of the list. What did I want out of a relationship with her? I told her how I felt. I wanted us to be more than fuck buddies. Right now that’s not even an option in my mind, and I doubted her’s either.
I stopped the truck and ran around to open her door. I had something to prove and now I needed to step up and do it. I could be a “boyfriend”. I had skills, didn’t I? I helped her down out of the truck, and we walked to the door holding hands. This was nice. It’s been a long time since I thought of a woman for something other than sex.
Containing my excitement made me act kind of childish, but I didn’t care right then. I wanted her to see the improvements as perfect.
“I started here.” I turned the key in the lock. It didn’t sound as ominous as the last time I turned this key.
“Wow, it’s beautiful, Carter. Not what I expected at all. It’s so homey.”
“I know, right? I wanted a house that felt like someplace people actually wanted to live instead of doctors’-office cold. Although I could be convinced to play doctor sometime.” The minute it left my mouth, I knew it was wrong. She turned and glared at me, and then she smiled.
“Playing doctor doesn’t sound all that bad to me either but later.” She wiggled her eyebrows.
“Right. Uh. We’ll save that for another time then.” I’d be more than happy to throw her down and do a thorough examination, but I doubted she meant at that minute. “So this is the living area.” I pointed to the other side where the wall had been taken out so the kitchen flowed into it. “And that’s my new kitchen.”
“I love the colors you chose. They’re masculine without being overly manly.” Good. I
hoped for this reaction even though I didn’t choose any of this. The décor pleased me, and the fact she liked it made it even better.
“So what do you think? Is it a kitchen you could see yourself cooking in?”
Her head whipped around so fast I thought she might hurt her neck. “I don’t know about that. What about you? Could you see yourself cooking here?”
“Absolutely, if I knew how, that is. I’m really more of a heat and eat or takeout kind of cook.”
“Then we should look at lessons because so am I.” I busted out laughing. I doubted we’d starve, but neither of us being able to cook amused me.
“Lessons it is then. We could have some fun learning to cook together. You know like a date-type thing that lasted over several weeks. Then we could come here and practice what we learned.”
“True. Practicing always works.”
“Right, and I like to practice, over and over until I get it right.” I gave her my best-dimpled look, and she laughed.
“Get your mind out of the gutter, Carter.” She poked me in the stomach.
“Yeah, okay. Kill the moment.” I loved having an easy way between us. The constant need to say and do the right thing didn’t exist when only the two of us were together. The two of us needed no feigned behavior. Being ourselves came naturally.
We toured the rest of the house so I could show off the improvements, some I hadn’t even seen myself. Her reactions satisfied my decision to bring her here, and my desire for her approval grew room by room.
“Your home is beautiful. It’s nothing like what I thought your taste would be.”
“Yeah? Why’s that? What were you thinking?” I asked even though I knew where she was headed.
“You surprise me, that’s all. I figured it’d be more bachelor like, very sleek and modern with lots of black and steel. Honestly, I’m glad it’s not. I hate that look. It’s cold and impersonal. This style makes it seem like a home, not a place to throw wild parties or entertain women.”
