by Bev Aisbett
Caretaker
Nurturer
Best friend
From here on, you need to CHAMPION your INNER CHILD.
No-one else can do this for you. But think of it this way – no-one else knows what you NEED, LIKE or KNOW as well as you do.
In the end, when you can fully TRUST and RELY on yourself, what others do will no longer be such a BIG DEAL.
You will have your BEST FRIEND walking with you – always on hand, always BELIEVING in you and SUPPORTING you. Isn’t that worth pursuing?
WORKING DAY 26
• WITHOUT JUDGING YOURSELF, recognise that you’re in CHILD MODE – especially when you’re DEPRESSED.
• Also recognise that your inner child cannot feel COMPLETE unless the ADULT YOU looks after him/her.
• Take out a photo of yourself as a child and STUDY it. (If you don’t have a photo, simply picture yourself as a young child.) Look at the little person that you were. See how you were:
Innocent
Open
Trusting
Playful
Hopeful
Vulnerable
Small
Deserving of all good things
Picture your INNER CHILD standing before you right now.
Is the child well cared-for or scruffy?
What is the attitude of the child towards you?
Is the child happy?
Now tell the child this:
‘I’ve come back for you. I’m sorry I left you behind. I’m going to look after you so you feel safe from here on.’
Let your emotions around this surface. GRIEVE if you feel inclined to. Release all the HURT, SADNESS and UNEXPRESSED ANGER that has been trapped in the child you were.
• With your NON-DOMINANT hand (i.e. the hand you DON’T normally write with), have LITTLE YOU write you a letter telling how s/he feels.
YOUR MANTRA FOR DAY 26
‘In the end, the only one who can STAND BY ME is ME.’
DAY 27
SNAP OUT of IT – why the LONG FACE?
‘A horse goes into a bar and the barman says . . .’
Yes, I’m sure you’ve heard it – it’s one of my favourite jokes.
Good grief, you’ve been taking life so SERIOUSLY, haven’t you? What if you DIDN’T? What if you could instead LAUGH OFF life’s ups and downs?
My dear, recently departed friend Paul often referred to life’s pitfalls (or pratfalls!) as ‘cream pies’. Just when you think you’ve got it all sussed, splat! Someone OFFENDS you? Cream pie. Your lover LEAVES you? Cream pie. You go BANKRUPT? Sure, that’s one helluva big, old cream pie, but it’s still a cream pie. What do people do when they get a cream pie in the face? They LAUGH. And WHY do they laugh? Because it’s hard to take yourself SERIOUSLY when you’re covered in cream pie.
Let’s be brutally HONEST, now. Deep down you think being depressed is sort of darkly INTERESTING, don’t you? There’s a certain ROMANCE to all that NOBLE SUFFERING, isn’t there?
This is not WHO YOU REALLY ARE!
This is not where you are MEANT to be!
You are not on this planet to SUFFER!
You could actually be having FUN!
Conventional thinking says that you should never tell someone with depression to ‘Snap out of it’.
Well, WHY THE HELL NOT?
How ELSE are you going to MOVE ON? You DO need to snap out of it!
You have been HYPNOTISED into a dark, dreary dream and now it’s time to WAKE UP!
Humans have this weird idea that if they just stay put, staring at the PROBLEM, the SOLUTION will somehow miraculously arrive at the door. IT WON’T! YOU must go and COLLECT it!
And you can start heading in that direction by FAKING it until you MAKE it.
Your BRAIN doesn’t actually know the difference between REAL or FAKED emotion. Even if you’re PRETENDING to be happy, making all the right noises and doing all those happy facial gestures, it responds accordingly and sends happy chemicals to the centres that need perking up. Do this often enough and it might even get the message that feeling better is NORMAL!
Today’s the day that you pretend to be a HAPPIER PERSON.
It’s a BIG challenge, I know, especially because in order to do so you’re going to have to let go of a whole lot of LIMITING IDEAS, such as:
I’m never going to get any better
Life is never going to get any better
I’m stuck and I can’t move forward
Life is hard
There is nothing to be happy about
I don’t deserve to be happy
The world is not made to FIT you. You’re going to need to do a bit of work to be a better fit FOR the world, instead of chafing against it.
Fitting into the world requires you to build the following qualities:
Resilience
Emotional intelligence
Living in the present
Retaining focus
Responding rather than reacting
Seeing opportunities in every problem
Learning from mistakes
Accepting yourself and others
Like it or not, you started this 30-Day project and today’s challenge is possibly the BIGGEST one of them all. Are you up for it?
WORKING DAY 27
• Change your posture and STAND TALL. It’s hard to feel EMPOWERED when you’re slouching and collapsed.
• DRESS WELL. Today, have a bath or shower, wash your hair and put on neat, ironed, clean clothes. If you wear make-up, put some on; likewise, jewellery. Savour the feeling of freshness and the confidence of being well groomed. Take PRIDE in yourself. Imagine you are ROYALTY.
• SMILE. Your brain doesn’t know the difference between a FAKE smile or a REAL smile! Even PRETENDING can lift your mood. Even better, recall a time when you found yourself laughing so hard you had TEARS streaming down your face and CRAMPS in your stomach. RELIVE it right now. Feel the laughter bubbling through you again.
• ENGAGE YOUR HARA. In martial arts, the hara is the seat of WARRIOR STRENGTH. When the hara is collapsed, you have no ‘oomph’. Get it back by focusing on your solar plexus and sending energy to your hara. Notice how much more ROBUST you feel now.
• TELL A JOKE. You can borrow the horse joke if you like!
• See how many situations you can turn into CREAM PIES instead of hardships.
YOUR MANTRAS FOR DAY 27
‘Today I’m trying on a HAPPIER and more DIGNIFIED version of myself.’
‘I will LAUGH at life a little more.’
‘Life is full of big, old CREAM PIES.’
DAY 28
The only way is UP
While you might now be more WILLING and RESOLVED to finally make the climb back from all that sadness (good on you!), the DISTANCE from the bottom of the hole to the top might still seem a little daunting.
As mentioned previously, even though being depressed feels HORRIBLE, it has become familiar, and feeling some degree of BAD may be all you’ve known.
Anyway, feeling bad can become a HABIT, and habits can seem notoriously hard to break (just ask anyone who is trying to quit smoking).
From the bottom of the hole, the climb may seem too STEEP, too HARD and too SCARY, involving precarious grasps at slippery walls.
That’s why I’m now giving you a LADDER!
Let’s call it the ‘Ladder of Emotional Ascension’, and this is what it looks like from TOP to BOTTOM:
1. Joy/empowerment/freedom/love/appreciation
2. Passion
3. Enthusiasm/eagerness
4. Contentment/acceptance
5. Optimism/positive expectation
6. Hopefulness
7. Doubt
8. Pessimism
9. Worry
10. Disillusionment
11. Blame
12. Anger
13. Desire for revenge
14. Hatred/rage
15. Guilt/unworthiness
16. Depression/despair/powerlessness
E
ach of these emotional states represents a RUNG on the ladder and, clearly, DEPRESSION is as low as you can go.
Unless you’ve experienced some amazing EPIPHANY while working your way through the 30 Days (wouldn’t that be GREAT?), so far, it will be a STRETCH for you to leap straight from DESPAIR to unbridled JOY. But it is entirely possible for you to work your way progressively to the top by stepping onto the NEXT EMOTIONAL RUNG.
Simply put, any of the rungs is a step UP from rock bottom!
For example, allowing yourself to feel anger means that you have ENERGISED yourself out of the NUMBNESS of depression.
While emotions such as ANGER, thoughts of REVENGE and BLAME are not IDEAL states, they are a way of moving out of the ‘coma’ of depression.
Besides, you’re not meant to STAY on any of the rungs! The idea is to keep CLIMBING up them, step by step, and, in doing so, FEEL your way to wellbeing.
Ready to CLIMB?
Then let’s GO!
WORKING DAY 28
• Climbing up the emotional ladder involves taking ONE RUNG at a time.
Since your THOUGHTS determine how you FEEL, it is your thoughts that will take you from one emotional state to the next.
On the lower RUNGS, you are simply aiming for one slightly LESS NEGATIVE thought to move you upwards.
Towards the MIDDLE, you are in more or less NEUTRAL territory.
The HIGHER RUNGS have you feeling BETTER and BETTER.
You can tell whether you have moved up by the way you FEEL. Notice when you feel a little BETTER.
• Pick ONE SITUATION that you feel DEPRESSED about, for example:
‘My partner left me for another woman.’
• Now move on to GUILT/UNWORTHINESS, for example:
‘Obviously, she is more attractive and interesting than I will ever be.’
• Next, HATRED/RAGE, for example:
‘I hate him for what he did to me!’
• Now, DESIRE FOR REVENGE, for example:
‘I hope she dumps him!’
• Next, ANGER, for example:
‘I am so angry with him!’
• And now, BLAME:
‘He was always selfish!’
Let’s explore a bit HIGHER up now, so you get the PICTURE.
• PESSIMISM, for example:
‘I’ll never find a love like that again.’
• Now, slightly higher up, to CONTENTMENT/ACCEPTANCE, for example:
‘I have the freedom to do what I like, when I like.’
And so on, as HIGH as you can go.
Make a copy of the list of steps on the ladder and use it anytime you feel your mood slipping.
YOUR MANTRA FOR DAY 28
‘The TOP is in sight, when I stop looking DOWN!’
The author wishes to acknowledge The Emotional Scale exercise as the original version of this concept, first developed by Abraham-Hicks. This is a modified version.
DAY 29
STORY time
What’s your STORY been till now?
We all live to our STORY and let it DEFINE us. Our story determines:
What we think we are capable of
What we think we deserve
Whether or not we are capable of certain skills
Whether or not we are worthy, lovable,
successful or popular
To get a handle on the type of story you have embraced through DEPRESSION, think in terms of concepts starting with ‘I am’, such as:
I am DEPRESSED
I am WOUNDED
I am UNLOVED and UNLOVABLE
I am LOST
I am STUCK
I am a BURDEN
I am HOPELESS at __________________________
Sometimes these ‘stories’ extend into the FUTURE, such as:
I will never find HAPPINESS
I will always be ALONE
I will never GET OVER THAT LOSS
I will never FORGIVE that person
The trouble with stories is that we build our LIVES around them. You tell a story in your HEAD, then make everything FIT the story!
And to make everything fit your story, you need to EDIT OUT anything that DOESN’T fit. If your story is built on the examples above that means cutting out anything that even vaguely resembles PLEASURE or ENJOYMENT! This editing process means that you turn a happy event on its head and focus only on things that CONFIRM your story, such as things that did go WRONG or even things that COULD go wrong (before they’ve even HAPPENED)!
This editing process even works retroactively, because your story is built on certain ‘facts’; if it is a story of past STRUGGLE, TRAUMA or HARDSHIP, then you will have edited out any past happy events or successes that CONTRADICT the story.
Today is the day to decide to tell a NEW story – one that SUPPORTS and UPLIFTS you. It’s time to THROW OFF that old version of who you are and write a new version that invites in more:
Acceptance
Approval
Appreciation
Pleasure
Contentment
Enjoyment
Optimism
Self-belief
Self-nurture
Forgiveness
Hope
Sound like a FAIRYTALE? Well, it’s no more FICTION than the story that tells you you’re UNWORTHY, that EVERYTHING’S HOPELESS and that there’s nothing to LOOK FORWARD TO, because that’s simply NOT TRUE.
And it’s time you stopped BELIEVING in it.
Tell it how you WANT it to be, LIVE it how you WANT it to be and IT WILL BE!
WORKING DAY 29
• Today, you’re going to construct your NEW STORY about yourself and your life. In doing so, phrase it in the THIRD person, instead of FIRST PERSON (e.g. ‘You are’ instead of ‘I am’).
The reason for this is that the mind is more receptive to what it thinks are ‘external encouragements’, whereas first-person statements tend to bring up DOUBTS. Remember, you are telling the story as you would LIKE IT TO BE!
• Begin with your CHARACTER. List your good qualities (yes, you DO have them!) or qualities you would like to develop. Phrase these like this:
You are __________________________ (for example):
Kind
Fun
Strong
Worthy
• Now list the things you are (or would like to become) GOOD at:
You are good at _________________ (for example):
Swimming
Cooking
Being kind to animals
• Now add the things you want to be doing more of from here on:
You are going to _________________ (for example):
Go to a movie or a gallery twice a month
Exercise regularly
Get on top of your finances
Learn a new skill
Meet new people
You can put ANYTHING you like into your story. Why HOLD BACK?
Now get it in your HEAD and make everything FIT your NEW story, just like you made everything fit the OLD one!
YOUR MANTRA FOR DAY 29
‘Life is only that which fits the STORY I tell myself about life.’
DAY 30
HOPE springs ETERNAL
The poet Emily Dickinson said that hope inspires the GOOD to REVEAL itself. In other words, when you look for the GOOD, you will see that good was always there but had simply been hidden from your view by your own lack of BELIEF in it.
Without HOPE, the struggle goes on. Hope is crucial in giving us INCENTIVE. It provides us with a GOAL and something to LOOK FORWARD to.
Even having the HOPE of HOPE can lift you out of despair.
Until now, you probably felt that there was no hope because there APPEARED to be none when you had those depression blinkers on. But the truth is there is ALWAYS hope.
If I could tell you with confidence that I’ve seen your future and everything works out well and all you have to do is BELIEVE it will for that to happen, would you DO SO? Well, I’m ASKING you to now.
Hope requires an INVESTMENT. You can’t see the final OUTCOME, but if you keep putting in a little hope for a better outcome every day, it must ACCUMULATE.
Hope is an investment in the idea that there must be something BETTER than this – and, of course, there IS.
Everything changes; nothing remains STATIC, so you can pin your hope on the fact that whatever emotional place you are in or have been in, you will be somewhere ELSE in time. And, if you have been committed to the work in this book, you will now understand that you have some SAY in what comes next.
Believe there is HOPE and you’ll see it. Continue to DENY it and it will continue to elude you. Which do you CHOOSE?
Hope is the FIRST and LAST step on the way back to wholeness.
The idea of FAITH comes into play here – even if you have doubts about any form of Higher Power.
You can have faith that the sun will RISE tomorrow, or that a loyal friend will remain TRUE, or that your pet dog will LOVE you no matter what you do.
If you are open to the idea of a Higher Power, you may have often felt in this journey that you have been ABANDONED by God.
But when it comes to the concept of God or a Higher Power, we humans make one big mistake – we give him/her/it HUMAN qualities. God doesn’t ABANDON, we abandon God, or cut ourselves off from a NATURAL FLOW, by insisting that things should be a CERTAIN WAY and feeling upset when they are OTHERWISE.
