“Is it okay that I rather go to therapy than talk to you about it?” By her tone, therapy is not something she wants to do, but she'd rather do that than talk to me.
“Whatever makes you feel better. Can I ask a question? Why now?”
Still speaking into my neck, she tells me why. “Mom showed up and her first words to me were that I haven't changed at all. Everything just broke down after that. Plus, you weren't here to keep me together. I couldn't lean on you and pretend I was okay. Realizing that you were the reason behind my behavior, just proved to me that I was faking it. I don't want to be that way with you anymore.”
“You had your dad worried to death, you know that?”
“I know.”
Those brown eyes look up at me, and Sweetness bites her bottom lip. I know where her thoughts are going, and it's time for me to put a stop to it.
“If I’ve learned anything over our past, it is that we have to remember the good during the bad. I’d do absolutely anything for you, you know that. Before I met you, hockey and Drake were my life. You, Drake, and hockey are my life now. I want to do what’s best for you and me. Both together and separately. We still have time before anything happens, and you could always come with me. You know that, right? ”
Emily blinks slowly, and I can tell that she’s about to fall asleep.
“I love you so much,” she mumbles, running a hand through my hair, coming to a stop at the base of my neck. Sweetness pulls me to her and gives me a sweet kiss, seducing us both as we physically express our feelings before leaning her head on the fluffy pillow and falling asleep.
9
Emily
It’s four in the afternoon when Jake wakes me. Goodness gracious, it feels so good to be back in Jake’s arms. Dad is still out with Drake so it’s just the two of us. Well, it was. Faintly, I hear a rapid knocking on the front door. Easing out of bed, I walk down the hall and swing open the door. My jaw drops about ten feet at the sight before me.
My mother.
My hand tightly grips the door as anger washes through me at the nerve she has to show up here again. Before I can say anything, she holds up her hands in surrender.
“We need to talk.”
“Excuse me?” I can’t take my eyes off her. She looks exactly as I remember.
“Sweetness?”
I can’t even turn around. Words are stuck in my throat as I feel Jake’s stiff body behind me. He obviously sees the resemblance. Jake’s arms wrap around my waist protectively and he leans down to whisper in my ear, my mother watching every move.
“You okay?”
My answer is to shut the door. My mom stops me about half way when her pleading voice begs me to stop. I hate myself when I do.
“What do you want?” I spit like venom.
“I told you. We need to talk.”
“Talk.”
“I was hoping I could come in.”
The woman has lost her mind.
“No,” Jake and I say at the same time.
“Fine. I came to tell you that I’m sorry. Truly sorry. I’m better mentally now.”
“What made you change your mind?”
With a deep breath, she says, “I have cancer.”
After all these years, my first instinct is to trust her. Jake’s gentle squeeze brings me back to Earth.
“Yeah, right. Well, die slowly.”
This time, I do slam the door in her face. Walking away from Jake, I return to my room and lay down in my bed. What if my mother isn’t lying? What if she really has cancer? What then? It doesn't make a difference since she's just now gaining a conscience, right? She didn't say that she changed her mind because she felt bad. She's sorry because she's going to die. I'm ill and upset at the same time, unsure of which should take over.
Jake motions for me to scoot over. After he has crawled into bed beside me, I rest against him, my arm lying across his stomach. The covers are bunched under my arm, and it’s annoying me. So much so that I huff in frustration and throw the blankets completely off.
Tears splash onto Jake’s shirt like big droplets of rain. You know, the huge fat ones that leave a tiny pond. Those teardrops of rain that join forces to flood an anthill. That’s the kind of tears that fall from my eyes, soaking Jake’s shirt quickly.
“Ssh. It’s okay, Sweetness.”
I’m choking on air, the words cramming together in my throat are getting ready to pour from my lips, gliding off my tongue in such a manner that I might as well be throwing them up.
“I d-don’t kn-now what to do,” I sob.
“Ssh. Quit crying, Sweetness.”
Hiccups take over and slowly, my crying fit is over. An overwhelming sense of pure fatigue takes over, and before I can even say anything, I’m asleep.
10
Jake
Emily falls asleep so abruptly that it worries me. One second she is recovering from crying and the next she is out like a light. I never thought I would see Judy in person. Emily is the younger version of her mother. Even if Judy isn’t lying about being sick, to be sure Emily wouldn’t make amends with her mother. Soon, Mike and Drake have returned from their day out together, and I slip from Emily’s embrace to go speak with him.
“She what?” Mike roars after I tell him what happened. He begins pacing around the kitchen table with his arms crossed defensively on his chest.
“What’s going on?” Emily’s sleepy voice asks from the entryway. “Oh, right,” she answers her own question. The sound of her chair scraping as she slides it beside me echos in the room. Plopping into her seat, Sweetness leans her head on my shoulder.
“You feelin’ okay, hon?” Mike asks her.
“Yeah.”
“I’m going to call your mother. Find out what’s really going on here,” he says with determination.
“And if she’s telling the truth?”
“We’ll deal with that when the time comes.”
Mike leaves the room and it’s just me, Sweetness, and the sound of whatever cartoon Drake is watching in the next room.
“You must be hungry. Want me to fix you supper?”
“I’ll do it myself,” she replies, standing up. Sweetness begins to rummage through the cabinets in search of food. The only reason I don’t stop her is because I figure she wants to do something. Anything to keep her mind off her mother.
Aggressively, Emily grabs a box of mac and cheese and throws it on the counter. I stand and walk behind her, wrapping an arm around her as if it is a seatbelt, the other going around her waist.
“Let me do it,” I coax.
“I’m not helpless.” She sounds so defeated, and I hate it.
“I know you’re not.”
“All I wanted was a summer with my dad, you, and Drake. You were gone for two weeks, and my mother shows up not once, but twice. Fantastic start to a summer.”
With a sigh, I realize that I don’t know what to tell her. So I hold her tight. The moments pass by slowly until Sweetness finds my missing words.
“Sorry, love. I can do this. It was a moment and now it’s over.” Sweetness steps out of my embrace to walk over to the tossed box. I watch as she picks it up and rips away one end. She fills the pot with water and clanks it down on the stove, splashing water as she does so. Sweetness sighs a breath of air and briskly walks over to a drawer to snatch a rag out. Emily wipes up the water and stands before the stove. Her back is stiff as she takes several deep breaths.
Her head is down, watching the water. Her hair is in a messy bun, and she’s dressed in a pair of my sweatpants that are two sizes too big and an orange tank top. My feet move forward, demanding that I comfort my Sweetness, until I’m standing behind her. I lean down and the heat rises from her neck, beating against my face. Barely, just barely, my lips make contact with the back of her bare neck. With my eyes closed, I repeat the action as I move towards her shoulder, stopping every few centimeters with another kiss. Lost in her scent, a mix of strawberry, cleanliness, and the perfume she a
lways wears, my arms wrap around her tiny waist and pull Sweetness against me.
“Jake,” Emily’s voice is low and cautious.
“Mm?” I ask between kisses.
“Stop."
I freeze. She's never told me to stop before. I take a step backwards, giving her space, as much as she needs. Sweetness steps forward and grabs the box, pouring the noodles into the pot. I silently watch as she stirs the macaroni. Her movements are clear. Suddenly, she swivels to face me. Her steps are even, full of purpose. Standing before me, looking into her eyes, I catch a glimpse of the Emily I first met. Sweetness leans into me, wrapping an arm around my neck and squeezing tight.
Emily turns back to the pot and just as it is almost done, Mike returns.
"It's true," he says grimly.
Emily doesn't say a word. Mike and I both watch as she finds a bowl and scoops the pasta into it. Sweetness shrugs and leaves the kitchen to go to her room. Hm. Interesting. Mike is left in the kitchen as I follow her. Walking down the hall, I can faintly hear music playing in her room. My heart shatters at hearing Monster by Skillet playing and to see Emily is sitting up, Indian style as she places the half empty bowl on her nightstand. Her arms are outstretched and turn towards me as I crawl into bed beside her. Sweetness hugs me tightly, pressing her lips against my neck.
"Tomorrow. You and me. Let's get out of here for a bit," she says looking into my eyes, searching for an answer to an unasked question.
"Where do you want to go?"
"The beach. I want to feel the hot sand beneath my feet, the cool water surrounding me, and you by my side. Do you want to go, love?"
"Absolutely." I'd take her anywhere she wanted to go as long as it made her happy.
"Great," she enthusiastically says with a bright smile. In one motion, she lays down and pulls me on top of her, grabbing my shirt and tugging me down. One kiss, two, and I pull back to look at this marvelous person before me.
"Are we going to talk about your mom?"
"No, not yet. All I know is that right now, I have the urge to get out and about, explore, do something fun, and that's all I want to do. Let's leave tonight. We can camp out on the beach. Please, love?"
"I think we have an old tent at my house. Get packed and I'll come back to pick you up in an hour."
"Thank you."
By her tone, I can tell that she is being more sincere than ever. When I lean forward to give her a kiss, she stops me by placing her forefinger on my lips.
"Jake," she begins as she stares into my eyes, "promise we can forget today happened for a while?"
"I promise." Sweetness traces my lips with her finger for a fast second. Our faces are so close, just an inch apart. It's clear that this is eating her up inside. It's also obvious that she needs to let loose for a bit. Ever so slowly, Sweetness leans into me and gives me a kiss.
Before my eyes, in a blink, Emily has transitioned into a different person. One who is excited about spending the night on the beach with her boyfriend. Emily shoos me out of the room, so we can both get busy gathering what we'll need.
11
Emily
When the dull pain begins creeping through my skull, I attempt to push it away. This is something I need. It's important that I get out and simply enjoy life. A headache, no matter how painful, will not get in my way. Before Jake can get back and with too much time to overthink, I chicken out. I text him and tell him to just stay home. We aren't going. That as of right this second, we are on a break. That I need to think about my future and what I want before we settle into something even more serious. I'm on my way to Conrad's. I don't know why exactly, but something is pushing me there. Probably fear.
The only trace of my journey is a note for my dad that says I'm going out for a few days. Will I regret turning off my phone? Jake's already called five times. I know that doing this over a text is a coward's way out, but I really need this...I think. Lucky for me, Conrad is home alone when I arrive. He's standing there in all his glory and all I can think about is old times.
My arms wrap around him, and everything rushes out. About how I'm terrified of being alone if Jake makes it to the NHL. About how I miss old times. How I'm still affected by my mother and everything that's going on with her. And how I wish we could hang out more. Conrad ushers me inside and sits me down on the couch.
He pulls me against him and shushes me. Conrad says I can stay at his house however long I need. I let everything out about my fears and hopes. He listens carefully and provides advice. Oh, how I've missed this.
As always, Conrad is supportive. Maybe I can just stay here with him forever. He can be my never changing, always there rock. It scares me. I don't even feel guilt when Conrad tells Lily that something has come up, and he'll be unavailable for the time that I'm here with him. Three days have passed and it's late afternoon. Today is laundry day, and I laugh as Conrad appears in his boxers.
“I literally have nothing left to wear,” he says taking a seat next to me. There's a knock on the door, and I tell Conrad that I'll get it. I open the door and there stands Jake. My heart that was happy and worry free just moments ago has cracked, separating into two parts before further breaking down to tiny pieces. The moment my eyes saw his, I came out of the fantasy world I was living. Why did I do this to him?
12
Jake
Emily's mouth is hanging open, and she's dressed in only an oversize shirt of Conrad's. How could she do this to me? To think that I was coming to apologize for whatever I had done and here she is in his clothes. Conrad appears behind her, wearing only boxers.
“You know she's using you, don't you? She's too scared to face me, so she ran to you as a cover up. Have a happy fucking life together.”
I turn around and ignore Emily's pleas for me to wait. Swiftly, I slide into my car and leave. I drive and drive and drive. Finally, Emily is calling me, but I don't answer. I don't want to speak to her. My stomach churns as I hit the steering wheel at the thought that she has been with Conrad this whole time.
Why?
Why would she do this to me? To us? You know what, no matter how much I wish I could, I can't make her see that everything will work out between us. I can't make her see that I'm not going to abandon her. I can't make her let go of her past. She has to do that on her own, and until she realizes that she has to quit hiding behind others, she'll never change.
She can't say that she's scared about me making it in the NHL because I've told her that she can come with me. There's no reason why that should have any negative impact on her. Why can't she see that I wouldn't go anywhere without her? Up until now, that is. My heart is swallowed in flames at the thought that I can't help Emily and at how I may have just lost her forever.
All because she's stubborn and won't appreciate what she has while she has it.
Damn!
I'm so pissed right now. I just know that she's slept with Conrad. Yes, we are on a break, but damn. Maybe I should go out and fuck someone too. Make us even. But that wouldn't be right and as I've said before, there's no one whom I want more than I want Emily.
Giving up on her is going to be the hardest thing. That realization leaves nothing but burnt crisps of my heart. I've given up on my only true love.
What am I supposed to do now?
I've been on autopilot the entire time I was driving, going no place, in particular, for a bit. I've made it back home and the one person I don't want to see is sitting on my front porch, waiting for me. She can continue to wait. Slamming the door to my car, I walk past Emily, ignoring her completely, and close the front door in her face. I lock the door behind me, so she can't come in. It's just my imagination that there is an incessant knocking on the door, a scared voice begging to come inside.
In my room, I pray Emily has left by the time that Drake and Dad return home. That way she can't come inside via them. I lock my bedroom door, just in case. Hours later, sure enough, Emily is let inside thanks to Drake. I text Mike and tell him to come get his dau
ghter. But when he arrives, Emily doesn't leave with him.
After hours of hearing Emily beg, I'm sick of it. My anger has done nothing but turn into fury while hearing her pleads. I swing my door open and ignore the pang of my broken heart at the sight of her puffy eyes and streaked cheeks.
“Emily, I do not want to talk to you. There is nothing for you to say. The best thing for you to do is leave.” I give her my best stony glare.
“I just want to talk, Jake.”
“Fine. Let me guess. You slept with Conrad. You ran to him instead of owning up for yourself. Every time something goes wrong, you turn to someone else. Usually Conrad. Your ex-boyfriend who currently has a girlfriend. I can't handle that anymore, Emily. You are supposed to run to me. No one else. I'm supposed to be there for you. No one else. But you. You can't let me do that. I don't want to be with someone if I can't be there for them, and if they aren't willing to face their problems for the better of a relationship. So go home and don't come back. I'm done with you and all of your problems. You don't want to handle them, so why should I try to help you?”
For the third time, I shut the door in her face. Why is it that I feel like the bad guy? I've done nothing but try to help her, and I'm the one who feels guilty because she won't let me. Fuck it. I'm done. With her, her problems, and anything associated with her. The truth of the matter is that I don't know how much more I can take. For the longest time, I didn't mind being the strong one, but now, I need Emily to be strong for once. All I know is that I'm done waiting around for that to happen. My sigh of relief and regret escapes as I realize that Emily has left.
Finally.
Days turn into a week as I try my best not to mope around. I haven't heard from Emily, and I'm going to take that as a good thing. Drake is just as upset as I am over the end of my relationship with Emily. Too bad.
Always (Bold as Love) Page 4
