by Isis Rushdan
“There’s no such thing as fate. You had a choice.”
“One always has a choice. I chose to take an opportunity that was better than one I’d devised.”
His lustrous eyes were earnest and soft. She couldn’t be angry with him. Her mess wasn’t his fault, or Talus’s. If she’d never moved in with Evan, they would’ve drifted apart as nature had intended.
“I need to get dressed.” She went to the bathroom, brushed her teeth and washed her face. In the closet, she scanned her clothes, at a loss for what to wear. She settled on a plain jersey dress in a walnut color with a cardigan. Her hands shook as she zipped up her boots.
“Dreary day,” Cyrus said in a low voice, staring out the window.
She combed her hair into a ponytail and glanced at the clock, eight fifteen. She had to leave.
He turned and gave a sad smile. “I’ll see you later.”
She wanted to smile, but the sadness coursing through her heart wouldn’t let her fake it. She cast her eyes to the floor and left the room without the kiss her heart longed to give him.
Cassian waited in the foyer with an umbrella. Wearing a pageboy cap, dark curls framed his youthful face and he radiated innocence. He took her arm. “We’ve got to go now.” He led her out the front door and opened the umbrella on their way down the steps. He held it over her head as they hustled to a royal blue Mustang that had two white racing stripes down the middle.
He opened her door. There were two racing stripes on the seats as well. She got in and he ran around to the other side.
“What’s the rush?” she asked.
He started the car and sped down the drive. “I didn’t tell Talus I was driving you into the city like you asked. I’m supposed to train with her in the gym this morning. She might wait another twenty or thirty minutes, thinking I overslept, but she’s going to start looking for me.”
“What difference will it make by then? We’ll almost be in the city once she realizes.”
“The cars have GPS locators. When she knows I’m gone, she’ll look for me.”
An image of Talus tracking them sprang up in her mind, and it wasn’t pretty. “Oh.”
She should’ve asked Cyrus to forbid Talus from leaving the house this morning, but she’d already gotten off to a rocky start with her. The last thing she needed was to make the situation worse by coming across as a snooty stepmonster. She shook her head at the idea of being anyone’s stepmother. She’d known Cyrus a few days, was already living with him, now she was carving out a niche in the family, but she didn’t want to be a mother, step or otherwise.
Heavy rain poured from abysmal gray clouds. She rested her head against the seat.
“How do you like my Shelby?” Cassian ran his hand across the dashboard.
“Shelby?” she asked, half-listening.
“My car, how do you like my car? It’s a Shelby GT500.”
“Umm, it’s very you, but why the racing stripes?”
“The stripes are badass,” he said with gusto. The perpetual sparkle in his eyes and the tireless optimism of his spirit were undiminished by her sour mood.
Cassian chattered away about cars, trying to engage her in conversation. She nodded every now and again. He eventually gave up and put on music.
They hit the city and a wall of congestion. The rain eased, shrouding the morning in mist. Two blocks from the restaurant, she wrung her hands as the clock on the dash read nine seventeen.
Cassian let her out by the entrance of the restaurant. “I’ll park the car and hurry back.”
“Can you stay out of sight? I’m worried if he sees you, it might agitate him.”
“I’ll do my best.”
Across the street, Micah leaned against a bus stop sign, hands in his pockets.
“What’s he doing here?” she asked Cassian, pointing to the warrior.
“Abbadon made Micah and the others come to help him secure the perimeter.”
Her heart skittered wildly. “Abbadon is here? With how many others?”
He shrugged. “I’ll go park.” He pulled the door closed and sped off.
She went inside and scanned the handful of customers scattered about. In the back of the cafe, Abbadon, Spero and two other warriors were camped at a table. A stone’s throw away, Evan sat slouched at a table next to a window. His arm was strapped to his chest in a sling, and he stroked it as if it were a broken wing. Two-day-old stubble covered his face and his hair looked a windblown mess. This was the Evan from her nightmare—unshaven and distraught–someone who looked as fragile as she felt.
Nausea tumbled in her stomach. A feverish burn streaked over her body. A bitter taste filled her mouth. Anxiety and regret gushed up in her and swelled, pressing out against the husk of her body, stretching until she shuddered on the brink of collapse.
She treaded lightly toward him, uncertain how to start, all the while dreading how it would end. “I’m sorry I’m late. How’s your shoulder?” She avoided his eyes as she mustered her courage and sat.
“It’s dislocated,” he groaned. “I spent four hours in the ER, waiting for a doctor to pop it into place.”
His speech wasn’t slurred, but it was obvious he was either hung over or still drunk.
Her gaze flickered up and met his bloodshot eyes. “How long do you have to wear it?”
“A few days until the pain and swelling subside.”
The waitress put a menu in front of Serenity. “Can I get you something to drink?”
“She isn’t thirsty. Can you give us some privacy?” Evan snapped.
Twisting her mouth to form an “O”, the waitress pushed her glasses up the bridge of her nose, turned and left.
“How can you do this when we’re so close to having everything?” Evan demanded.
She glanced at the table of warriors. Spero looked away from her. Abbadon continued to stare out the window. How humiliating. Surrounded by bodyguards, she couldn’t even give Evan closure in private with dignity.
“You’re still close to having everything, just not with me,” she said.
“Without you, none of the other stuff matters, not even making partner.” His eyes were puffy as though he’d been crying. “It’s all been for you, to give you the life you deserve.”
“What are you talking about?”
He shook his head. “Before Mom and Dad died, they said you were special. That you were going to be an exceptional woman, the kind who wouldn’t marry someone mediocre. That you’d need an equal partner, like a doctor or lawyer. That you were going to do great things. After that conversation, I focused a little less on football and a lot more on grades.”
She tried to swallow, but her mouth had gone so dry. “I never knew they thought that.” The remembered kindness his parents had shown her at a tender and confusing age when she had needed it most squeezed her heart, but she suppressed the waterworks dampening her eyes. “That may have been why you set out to be a lawyer, but you’re made for it. You loved every minute of law school. Your career has been the center of your life for a long time, and there’s nothing wrong with that. You’re days away from making partner,” she reminded him. “Just stay focused. You’ve earned it. And once you get it, you’ll put in long hours to help you get past this and eventually you’ll meet someone new.”
“What about the history we have? How can you toss me aside for something new?”
“You’re an incredible man and you deserve so much better than what I’ve given you. We can’t be together anymore, we—”
“Before I left everything was fine. We were planning to get married. What happened while I was gone?”
“Everything wasn’t fine and you were planning a marriage I didn’t really want.”
“We don’t have to get married right now. We can wait,” he said anxiously. A crazed gleam flickered in his eyes.
“No, it won’t work. I’m sorry. We both deserve more than what we can give each other.” Clenching her fingers in a knot, she glanced at the grainy w
ood table. “Don’t you want more?”
“I want you! I’ve always wanted you, only you.”
“You’ll be better off without me. You need a young Lila,” she said in an encouraging tone, meeting his swollen, pink eyes. “Someone who can play the game, support you in the right way. You’re about to make partner, you need someone who can schmooze, attend the parties with a smile, and help you cultivate the right image. You need someone who can be the perfect Mrs. Evan Wade.” She slipped the ring off and put it on the table. “And that’s not me.”
He stared at the ring. “You’re the only woman meant to be my wife. What about everything we’ve been through together?”
“We’ve stayed together because it’s been convenient for us, a habit for us. We’re family Evan, but not the kind that should be husband and wife.”
“What do you have with him? Is it love?”
She gazed up at him. “I should’ve told you we worked better as just friends a long time ago. We’re not meant to be together. I have to leave.”
“You mean leave me for him. Why won’t you talk about him? If I could understand what you share with him besides a thrilling roll in the sack, then maybe I’ll be able to make sense out of this and find some closure.”
She shivered. How could she explain what she was and how she no longer fit in his world? How could she tell him she had forged a bond with another that extended beyond the body and mind? “I finally figured out who I am and what I really want.”
“You were lost and now you’re found,” he said in a scathing tone.
Resigning herself to take it, she took a deep breath. She deserved any verbal lashing he wanted to give.
Evan pulled a medicine bottle out of his pocket and popped it open with one hand. “You were empty,” he continued, “but he completes you. Gosh, what a crock! What you need is a good self-help book.” Two pills fell into his palm. “I know you’ve never been with another man besides me and, honestly, I’m surprised you waited this long.” He tossed the white pills in his mouth and washed it down with coffee. “This sort of thing happens sometimes. Get it out of your system and come back home.”
“What are those?”
“Percocet for the pain.”
“You’ve been drinking. You shouldn’t take those.”
“What do you care?” His lips curled back in a tortured grin and harsh laughter rang from his mouth. “When we’re done here, you’re going to waltz off into your new life, with my client I introduced to you five days ago.”
He hurled the words with such viciousness that her heart shriveled.
“Do you love him?” His fingers pressed into the table, his nails scraping the wood.
“I can’t explain it. I can’t make you understand. And anything I say about it wouldn’t make you feel better.”
He pounded his fist on the wood, making the cup rattle and the table shake. “Damn it, answer me! Are you in love with him?”
The warriors, every patron and employee stared. Only Abbadon continued to scan the street, refusing to entertain distraction.
“My feelings for him have made me realize what you and I share isn’t right for either of us.”
“Do you think you can just throw me away, like trash?”
He wanted to wound her and succeeded. She had to bear it silently. She owed him that much. A tear slipped from one eye and she whisked it away.
“You don’t get to cry.” His eyes blazed with pain. “Things are so easy for you.”
“What? You know what kind of life I’ve had and it hasn’t been easy,” she whispered.
“I was thinking last night about the first time I saw you in high school.” He took a deep breath. “You were radiant.” He gulped his coffee and then scrubbed his hand over his face. “You used to sneak off to the auditorium to eat lunch. It wasn’t until the day you forgot to bring a sandwich and I gave you a candy bar that you even noticed me. When I got to know you…”
He shook his head. His face contorted in agony. “Not only were you gorgeous, but intelligent and so creative. In school, you could’ve had as many friends as you wanted, dated anybody you wanted, you just chose not to. You walked around with this quiet self-confidence, like you didn’t need anybody. It was very intimidating. The rest of us were so desperate to fit in. I felt like I won the lottery when we became friends.”
His gaze speared her. “You always got great grades without even trying. I busted my butt to get into Princeton. You simply decided you were going to go there too, with a full ride scholarship no less.” His chin trembled. “Remember when I encouraged you to apply for medical school?”
“Yes.” Her voice cracked and she hung her head. She’d been so confused about what to do with her life. Changing majors, searching for a way to help people, make a small difference in the lives of others, but in the right way for her.
“Even though you didn’t have any interest in it, I honestly thought you’d make a good doctor, but a part of me secretly wanted to see if you’d get in. And you did. Didn’t go, but you got in. You wanted to learn how to draw and paint, and you did and you’re great at it. You wanted your own business and you’ve got it. Anything you try, you’re good at. Anything you want, you get. Unfortunately for me, now you want to leave.”
She gaped at him, groping for a response. She saw herself in a way she’d never considered, through the eyes of his pain. To love her, all these years, must have been a constant tussle with resentment for him. How he must have envied her talents and abilities.
She’d been a fool to think he was immune to her and the poisonous effect she had on others, on humans. The venom had corroded him subtly over time, gradually twisting him from a boy she had admired to a man she hardly recognized. Listening to him, watching him, tore her to shreds. What had she done to him?
“I’m so sorry.” She leaned forward and touched his wrist.
A light tap on the window startled them both.
Cassian motioned with his hands that she needed to wrap up and then pointed across the street. Talus swung her leg over her motorcycle and took off her helmet.
“So Cyrus’s gofers are now your gofers?” Evan asked, glancing out the window.
Serenity sighed. “I have to go.” The last thing she needed was for Talus to make things worse with a scene in the cafe.
“I hate you,” Evan said in a low, raspy voice. Misery clouded his eyes. “I hate you for coming into my life. I hate you for making everything look so easy. I hate you for pretending to love me. I hate you for leaving me like this.” He spat with such rage it stole her breath. “I hate you for setting the bar so high, no other woman could compare.”
He flayed her with his litany of hate, leaving her faint and raw. She had to get out of there before she unraveled.
She glanced away from him out the window. It looked as if things were unraveling outside as Talus screamed at Cassian, while smacking him in the head. Cassian had warned this would happen.
“I never meant to hurt you, Evan. I’m sorry to leave things like this between us.” She stood up. “If it means anything for you to know, I never pretended. I did love you and still do. I’m sorry it wasn’t the right kind of love.”
As she turned to leave, he seized her wrist and squeezed. She winced from the pressure, her fingers retracted into a fist.
Spero launched to his feet, but Abbadon caught his forearm and shook his head.
“When can I see you again?” Evan asked. Tears streaked his face.
“That wouldn’t be a good idea. You need to get rid of everything that reminds you of me. Bury yourself in work. Try to forget me.”
She yanked her hand away and hurried out of the cafe. She shoved open the door and focused on Talus to keep tears from falling. “You shouldn’t be here!”
“Cassian should’ve told me where he was taking you. The whole team is here except for Cyrus. I shouldn’t have been excluded.”
“Did Cyrus ask you to come?” Serenity asked.
Talus shoo
k her head. “No, but—”
“Then put your helmet on, get back on your bike and get out of my sight!”
Talus’s pale face lost what little color it had and her puffed-up chest deflated. Serenity could see she’d hurt her feelings. She considered apologizing, but decided to hold on to her anger for as long as she could. Talus put on her helmet and drifted to her motorcycle.
Cassian led Serenity to the car and they crawled through traffic. The rain picked up, pelting the car. Cassian apologized for Talus. He had such a good heart, rambling on with excuses for her behavior, but she couldn’t focus on any of it.
Anger trickled away, but guilt gnawed at her intestines. She clutched her stomach. Teeth ripped at her insides. Her breath quickened until she sucked in slivers of reversed gasps.
Cassian put his hand on her shoulder. “Please, don’t cry. Everything will be okay.”
She covered her mouth, but couldn’t stop her chest from heaving. Her dry eyes stung. Deprived of tears, a suitable punishment, but not nearly harsh enough. Evan was right. She didn’t have a right to cry.
Murderers weren’t entitled to mourn.
Evan had been her pillar, steady and durable. He’d helped her bear the weight of her tragic childhood with his kindness and love, and she’d just repaid him by gutting out his heart and tossing it away. She had pulverized a sixteen-year relationship and crushed the spirit of a man who had loved her. Tears were too good for her.
Evan sat on a bench in Central Park, drenched to the bone from the deluge of rain. He had no idea how long he’d been sitting in the downpour.
Serenity wanted him to get rid of everything that reminded him of her.
The man he was today was because of her. All of his accomplishments were to prove he was worthy of her. All of his goals were to make a life for her, with her.
How do you get rid of an entire life?
