by Louise Hall
I knew Noah would make it as a professional footballer – he was always really talented, not as good as I was but then… OK, really need to make an attempt to rein in the snarky comments. I watch as he jumps up and down, getting ready for the kick-off. So he’s playing for West Ham now? His dad, Jack used to play for them so he probably still has connections. Ugh, I give myself a mental slap in the face.
The truth is that even before the accident, I was never going to have the same opportunities as Noah regardless of how much more talented I was, purely because he’s a boy and I’m a girl. As much as the women’s game is improving day by day, the men’s game is still miles ahead in terms of money and prestige. I was never going to be able to do what my dad did and run out at the Rovers Stadium in the famous dark-blue shirt even if I still had two legs because Rovers are one of a number of Premier League clubs that don’t have a women’s team.
I sit back against the back of the sofa. I’ve got cramp in my toes which is not only uncomfortable, it’s also freaking impossible since I haven’t got any toes on my right leg anymore. The specialists had warned me about phantom pain and I’ve been lucky that I haven’t had it a lot so far but when it does happen, it’s always when I’m worked up about something.
I want to bust out laughing because I don’t even know what I’m worked up about. I don’t have feelings for Noah. I pause for a second and let the words bounce around my head and when they settle down I know that it’s the truth. Am I jealous that he’s fulfilled his dream and become a professional footballer? Nope, I don’t think it’s that either. If anything, it just makes me want to work harder to find my own dream to fulfil because I’m sure it’s an amazing feeling. But when I think about my dreams, I don’t think about massive football stadiums anymore and thousands of fans chanting my name instead I think about waking up to the sound of the waves crashing against the shore, really, really good coffee and the insistent buzz of a tattoo needle.
My feelings for Zev are almost like my phantom pain except that they don’t just hurt when I’m wound up about something. They hurt when I wake up in the morning in my cold, empty bed. They ache when I succeed and even when I fail and I realise that I can’t share any of it with him. They sting most of all when I think about how easily he moved on, like I meant nothing to him.
The referee blows the whistle for half-time and I realise that I’ve been sat there for forty five minutes not really watching the TV. “I’m going to sit on the back porch for a bit,” I tell my dad as I grab my laptop from the coffee table.
As I open the back door, I hear my dad switch the TV off. He wasn’t really watching it either.
About an hour later – I’m actually surprised that my mum lasts that long without interfering – I’m sat on the back porch, messing about on my laptop when my dad comes out. I can tell from the way he stumbles out on to the porch that my mum has given him a push. I’m sure she’s as fed up with him moping about as she is me so she’s trying for the second time today to force us to actually talk to each other.
I quickly shut my laptop because I’ve been looking at the Ink’s website. I’m annoyed that they haven’t updated it at all since I left. They’re too talented to ever be short of clients but still, I worked my butt off on that site.
Of course, because when will I ever stop torturing myself, I found the photo of my first ever tattoo as part of Zev’s portfolio. I remember that I didn’t think it should be included because who wants to look at a photo of a deformed foot when they’re scoping out potential tattoo artists? But Zev argued that it was necessary because for first-timers, it could be intimidating to see all those huge tattoos spreading across backs, wrapping around limbs and requiring multiple sessions to finish and so my little worker bee would be a good contrast. I only agreed when he promised to Photoshop the heck out of it to remove Tony and my withered calf. I look down for a moment and although it doesn’t happen as much as I’d expected it to, I still get a jolt sometimes when I realise that my foot and therefore my beautiful little bee aren’t there anymore.
“Hey, what’s up?” I put my laptop on the side table and turn to face my dad. Yikes, I can feel just how uncomfortable he is.
“Well, that was a disaster, wasn’t it?” he blurts out.
The way he says it is so blunt, it makes me laugh and eases the tension a little bit.
“Your mum…” he looks at the kitchen window and I smile, knowing that she’s probably washing the same mug she’s been washing ever since she shoved him out here, pretending not to eavesdrop. “She thinks you and I need to have a chat.”
“What about?”
“I’m rubbish at talking about feelings and all that stuff,” he says gruffly. “But I want you to know that I’m sorry, sweetheart. I wish I’d never asked you to come to the Hartley Complex with me that day. If I hadn’t, you’d be back there in Hawaii living your life, not moping around here again.”
I can’t help it. I throw my arms around him because he really is the best dad in the world. “I’m fine, Dad. I’m not moping about, I’m just trying to figure out what comes next for me and you know, I’ve told you like a gazillion times that the accident wasn’t your fault, at all, not even a little bit.”
He relaxes a bit and hugs me back, “I’m your dad, Lola Bean. I’m supposed to protect you from getting hurt.”
“I get a few phantom pains every so often but I’m not hurt, not anymore.”
Dad winces but then he continues, “you might not be in physical pain but you’re not happy like you were when we visited you and Mats in Oahu.”
“What is it with you and Sierra? Are you both trying to kick me off the mainland?”
“We just want you to be happy, Lola and you were happy there.”
I narrow my eyes at him, “are you really sure that Sierra wants me to be happy? I think what gets her up in the morning is the possibility that I might embarrass myself and fall over.”
I suddenly realise something, “anyway, I thought you hated Zev. He kissed somebody else, remember? Have you had a bump on the head or something? Because as my dad you should not be advocating that I be in close proximity to such a supreme jerk…”
“When your mum was pregnant with you, I kissed another woman.”
I raise my eyebrows at him, already getting annoyed on my mum’s behalf. “Does Mum know?” She better had otherwise he’ll be getting a repeat of the black eye I gave him when I was three years old.
“Of course,” he chuckles, “we’ve been married for nearly twenty-five years. There aren’t any secrets between us, Lo.”
“OK so the point of you telling me this is?”
“A photo is just a single snapshot of a moment in time, it doesn’t tell you what happened before or after. When your mum saw the photo of me kissing this other woman, she was incredibly hurt just like you were, we had a huge argument and she ended up spending the night at a hotel. But the truth was that I didn’t kiss the other woman, she kissed me because she wanted to make her boyfriend jealous. As soon as I got over the shock I pushed her away but the photo didn’t show that.”
“Why didn’t you just tell mum that?”
He has a wry smile, “because if you think I’m bad at talking about stuff now, you should have seen me then. I was hurt that she thought that I could ever kiss another woman.”
“Is that what you think happened with Zev?”
Dad shakes his head, “I don’t know.”
“So I could fly all the way to Oahu only to find out that he’s just as big of a jerk as I thought.”
“At least you’d know the truth instead of tying yourself up in knots wondering.”
“Look at you,” my aunt Remy applauds when I show her how good I’m getting with my prosthetic. “Now you’re kicking ass on that thing, are you finally going to go back to Oahu?”
“Uh no, what makes you think that?”
“Please, it’s like the number one topic of conversation in the Klein-Warner family WhatsApp group. You need t
o buy your ticket so we can finally talk about something else.”
“Maybe I’ll come to Rome instead and stay with you and uncle Vin.” I’m joking because as much as I love my aunt, I just know that we’d end up killing each other within a day of even attempting to live in the same house together.
“Ha ha,” Remy rolls her eyes at me. “We all know that you’re going to end up going back to Oahu eventually so why delay the inevitable. I know you were born in Manchester but surely even you can’t be that attached to constant rainfall?”
“Even if I was thinking about going back to Oahu, which I’m not but if I was, I’m not doing so until I can walk completely normally with my prosthetic. I’m not going to be pitied.”
“Excellent,” she claps her hands together, “you can book your ticket then because from what I’ve just seen, you’re walking normally now.”
“It’s not that difficult to walk inside my house,” I remind her, “I’m not going anywhere until I can do it outside too.”
“How far is that taco place from your house?”
“The Taco Shack. It’s a decent distance, I guess.”
“So if you can walk to the Taco Shack unassisted and without stumbling, you’ll let us book you a ticket to Oahu?”
“You’re being a bully.”
Remy cackled, “you’re only learning this about me now? Do we have a deal or not?”
“Fine,” I concede but only because she didn’t say that I had to stay in Oahu, she just said that I had to go there. I don’t even have to see Zev if I don’t want to. I can catch up with Mats and get some much-needed sunshine on my pasty skin. Then I can fly back here to Seattle or wherever else in the world I want to go.
“Can you get your mum for me?” Remy demands now that she’s got what she wanted, which is my total capitulation.
“Mum?” I yelp. “Remy wants to talk to you.”
She makes absolutely sure that she can’t be seen by her sister when she mouths, “Help!”
OK, so I might have mentioned on occasion that my family are completely, certifiably insane. They decide when they find out from Remy that I’ve agreed to go back to Oahu if I can walk to the Taco Shack unassisted and without stumbling once that it’s a major cause for celebration.
When I wake up the next morning, I’m literally surrounded by my female relatives: Mum, Sierra, Sofia, Liv, Erin. They all look at me expectantly. “Today’s the day,” Liv announces, clapping her hands together and she quickly plummets down the list of my favourite people.
“Nope,” I’m lying on my front because it’s good for my hip alignment and so it’s easy for me to pull a pillow over my head.
“Yes,” Sierra insists, bouncing on the mattress.
“Quit doing that. I’m still recovering from surgery,” I remind her, gritting my teeth.
“No, you’re not,” she replies. If anything, she bounces even harder. “The doctor said at your last appointment that your wound’s completely healed.”
“You do realise,” I flop over on to my back, “that you’re all going to be majorly disappointed when I take three steps and fall on my face.”
I look across at Sierra, “OK, perhaps not all of you.”
“Just do your best,” Mum says kindly. “That’s all we ask.”
Sofia pulls my duvet completely off the bed and I’m beyond grateful that I don’t sleep in the buff because this morning is going to be awkward enough already. I sit up and brush my fringe out of my eyes. “In the unlikely event that I make it to the Taco Shack, I’m going to high five every single one of you,” I narrow my eyes at each of them in turn, “in the face with a chair.”
“We’ll take that risk, won’t we, girls?” Liv says, “come on, get that cute little butt of yours in the shower. You’re going to be the main attraction on a dozen smart phones so you’re going to want to look your best today.” I growl menacingly at her.
After I’ve showered, attached my prosthetic and got dressed in yoga pants and a hooded sweatshirt, I make my way downstairs. Erin has made me breakfast, which I think is really kind of her until Sierra steals a slice of bacon right off my plate and admits that “they don’t want you to use hunger as an excuse not to finish the walk.”
I reluctantly agree that Liv and Erin can accompany me on my pathetic Walk to Freedom. Liv because she’s snarky enough that it’ll motivate me to keep going and Erin because she’s a nurse and I really want to try and avoid Lola Goes to Hospital Part 3 if I can possibly help it.
I take up my position at the start line, i.e. the front door and my first thought is that I can’t do this.
I remember the last time I put one foot in front of the other without even thinking about it. It was when I followed my dad into the Hartley Complex what feels like light years ago. I think about all the jerks that used to tell me I couldn’t play football because I was a girl and it gets my blood pumping faster through my veins. I think about Zev but this time I don’t allow it to make me feel weak. I’m angry that he lied to me the whole time about how he’d lost his leg. I’m furious that he told me he loved me (another lie) and then moved on like I was nothing.
“I don’t know what you’re doing but it’s working, Lolo Ball,” Liv says and I realise that I’m halfway to the Taco Shack already.
I’m actually going to do this. I’m going to show Zev, Noah, the drink-driver that took my toes, even Ezra my jerk of a prom date; I’m going to show them all. I might have lost half my leg but I’m walking!
When I get nearer to the Shack, I realise that there’s a small crowd gathered by the finish line, all cheering me on and it’s beyond cheesy but I don’t care because I love this group of crazies with all my heart. They’re Skyping with the rest of my family that can’t be here in person; my grannies, my aunties Sinead, Ruby and even the supreme bully herself, Remy.
“Lola!” They’re loudly chanting my name.
“You’re all loco,” I look at Erin and Liv. “You get that, right.”
When I make it to the finish line, Mum gives me the biggest hug and even though I promised myself that I absolutely would not cry, I can’t help it. She’s so proud of me and it makes my heart feel too big for my chest. It couldn’t be more different than how I felt the last time I decided to go to Oahu because I couldn’t bear the thought of all these people right here having to watch me struggle.
Liv comes up to me and thrusts her phone under my nose. “I’ve booked your ticket, Lola. Your flight leaves the day after tomorrow. You’d better start packing.” She’s even got me upgraded to first-class courtesy of her husband, Jax’s credit card.
LOLA
A couple of hours before I’m due to leave for the airport, I’m packed up and ready to go because like I’ve said before, Mum and I have excellent organisational skills. I sit in my childhood bedroom and I know that I don’t have to stay in Oahu, the deal I made with Remy is that I’d go there first and after that it’s my choice. There’s nothing to stop me from coming back here to Seattle after a week of glorious sunshine, the sound of the waves crashing on the shore and praise be, Vada’s coffee but I get this feeling in my gut that tells me I won’t be coming back here to live and it makes me sad. I’m nearly twenty-five but it’s only now in this moment that I really feel like a grown-up. I went to college for four years in Miami and I lived with Mats in Oahu all those months but I feel like this is the first time I’m actually leaving home.
I’ve said adios to most of my family and friends already apart from my parents and Sierra, who are going to drop me off at the airport and my aunt Liv.
“How are you feeling, Lotus Flower?” Liv asks, sitting down next to me on the bed.
“Not entirely sure I’m doing the right thing,” I admit. Yes, I’m a total badass on my prosthetic now and there’ll be hell to pay if anybody even tries to pity me but I think my feelings for Zev will always make me weak.
“In the very unlikely event that Zev didn’t make out with his ex-girlfriend and there’s a reason that he�
�s been incommunicado since the accident, he’s still a drunk driver, Liv and that’s what got me in this mess in the first place.”
“I’m going to give you two pieces of advice, OK?” Liv slings an arm around my shoulders.
“Firstly, you’re not going back to Oahu to try and win him back. Because of what you’ve just said, he’s going to have to win you back. You’re worth a gazillion times more than getting in a catfight over some jerk that isn’t even worth the scratched nail varnish. You deserve to be wooed.”
“Secondly, yes he’s a drunk driver and I am absolutely not going to tell you of all people that doesn’t mean anything because we all know that it does but what I will say is that not everybody who does a bad thing is a bad person. People make mistakes. I didn’t drink and drive but I did almost burn down a church because I drank too much vodka and was jealous that my ex-boyfriend was getting married to one of my co-workers. I got drunk and I might not have killed anybody or caused them to lose a limb but I still put people in the hospital, I ruined a wedding, I lost my job and the respect of my family for a long time.”
“I’m really sorry you had to go through all of that,” I give my aunt a hug because despite what she’s just said, she’s still one of my favourite people in the whole world. “I love you.”
“I love you too, Lola. We aren’t pushing you to go back to Oahu because we want you to get back together with Zev, that’s nobody’s business but yours; we want you to go back to Oahu because before all of this happened, you were happy there. If you realise that actually you’d be happier elsewhere in the world then that’s fine too.”
“I need closure,” I say and I know that it’s true.
“You’re a smart girl so my final piece of advice to you is just to trust your gut instinct, OK? If something doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t.”
LOLA
The flight from Seattle to Honolulu takes almost seven hours but thanks to Jax, I’m in first-class so it’s not exactly torturous. I spend most of the journey chatting with the sweet Southern grandma in the seat next to mine. Jolie is flying to Oahu for her grandson, Truman’s wedding. We bond over my tattoos – even though she’s in her late seventies, she just got her first one before she left Georgia.
