by Haylen Beck
‘No,’ Audra said.
‘Anyone can come pick up the kids for you?’
‘I have a friend,’ she said. ‘In California. San Diego.’
‘Well, that don’t help us much right now, does it? What about their father? Where’s he at?’
‘New York. We’re not together anymore.’
Whiteside exhaled through pursed lips, disappeared in thought for a few moments, and then nodded, a decision made. He reached for the radio handset on the dashboard.
‘Collins, you out there?’ He remained still for a moment, his head cocked, listening. ‘Collins, where are you?’
A crackle, then a woman’s voice. ‘I’m out on the Gisela Road, sir. What do you need?’
‘I’m on the County Road, right by the Silver Water turnoff,’ he said. ‘I just made an arrest for possession. I got two kids in the suspect’s car, so I’m going to need you to take care of them, all right? And see if you can get a hold of Emmet. I need a tow out here.’
Silence for a few seconds before Whiteside spoke again.
‘Collins?’
‘Yeah.’
‘You think you can get hold of Emmet for me?’
Another pause, and Whiteside moistened his lips.
‘Collins? Yes or no?’
‘Will do,’ the woman said. ‘Give me five, ten minutes.’
Whiteside thanked her and put the handset back into its cradle. He looked back to Audra and said, ‘All right. Now we just sit tight and wait awhile.’
Through the open door, Audra heard Louise’s wailing, cutting through the simmering panic in her mind.
‘Listen,’ she said. ‘My children are crying. I can’t leave them there.’
He sighed, then said, ‘All right. I’ll go see to them.’
‘Wait, can I—’
The door slammed closed, rocking the car on its suspension. As she watched him stroll toward her station wagon, Audra said a silent prayer.
4
SEAN WATCHED THROUGH the open trunk hatch as the big man approached. Louise squealed, clutching Gogo tight. The bundle of stuffing and pink rag that had once been a rabbit still had two eyes, but barely.
‘Shut up,’ Sean said. ‘Mom said everything’s going to be all right. So just be quiet, okay?’
No good. She kept crying, even louder when the big policeman slammed the trunk closed. He came around to Sean’s door and opened it, hunkered down there so he was eye level with both of them.
‘You kids doing all right here?’
‘What’s happening?’ Sean asked.
The policeman wiped a hand across his mouth. ‘Well, I can’t lie to you, son. Your mom’s in a little bit of trouble.’
‘But she didn’t do anything.’
Sheriff Whiteside – Sean read his nametag – took off his mirrored sunglasses, showing his gray eyes. And something there frightened Sean to the very core of him, scared him so bad it made his bladder ache and itch for release.
‘Well, see, that’s the thing,’ Whiteside said. ‘She had something in the trunk there that she shouldn’t have. Something illegal. Now I have to take her into town, so we can have a talk about it. But I promise you, everything’s going to be all right.’
‘What did she have?’ Sean asked.
The sheriff gave a weak smile. ‘Something she shouldn’t. That’s all. Everything’s going to be all right.’
Now Whiteside let his gaze travel around the car, crawling over Sean and Louise, and Sean could almost feel the eyes on him, picking over his skin. The sheriff raised himself a little so he could get a better look at Louise, studied the length of her from her head all the way down her body, her legs, to her feet. He nodded, and his tongue appeared between his lips, wet them, and retreated.
‘Everything’s going to be all right,’ he said again. ‘Now here’s what’s going to happen. Like I said, I need to take your mom into town and have a talk with her, but I can’t leave you out here all alone. So my colleague, Deputy Collins, is going to come out here and take you somewhere safe to look after you.’
Louise gave a high whine. ‘Are we going to jail?’
Whiteside smiled, but the look that frightened Sean lingered in his eyes. ‘No, sweetheart. You’re not going to jail. Deputy Collins is going to take you to a safe place.’
‘Where?’ Sean asked.
‘A safe place. You don’t need to worry about it. Everything’s going to be all right.’
‘Can I take Gogo?’ Louise asked.
‘Sure you can, sweetheart. Deputy Collins will be here in just a minute, and everything will be all right.’
‘You keep saying that.’
Whiteside looked at Sean, his smile fading. ‘What?’
Then Sean realized what bothered him about the sheriff’s eyes.
‘You keep saying everything’s going to be all right. But you look scared.’
Whiteside blinked, and his smile hardened. ‘I’m not scared, son. I just want both of you to know you’re safe. Deputy Collins is going to take good care of you. Your mom and me, we’ll have this figured out in no time, and you can all go home. Hey, you didn’t tell me your names.’
Sean closed his mouth.
Whiteside looked to Louise, whose wailing had subsided to hitches and sniffles. ‘What’s your name, sweetheart?’
‘Louise.’
‘And what’s your brother’s name?’
‘Sean.’
‘Good names,’ Whiteside said, smiling big enough to show his teeth. ‘Where you from?’
‘New York,’ Louise said.
‘New York,’ he echoed. ‘That right? Well, you’re a long way from home.’
‘We’re moving to California,’ Louise said.
‘Shut up,’ Sean said. ‘We don’t have to tell him anything.’
Whiteside gave a single laugh. ‘The young lady can talk to me if she wants to.’
Sean turned to him, gave him a hard stare. ‘I saw it on TV. We don’t have to tell you anything at all.’
The sheriff turned back to Louise. ‘Your big brother’s a smart boy. I think he’s going to be a lawyer some day, what do you think?’
Louise hugged Gogo tight. ‘Don’t know.’
‘Well, we’re just talking, passing the time, right? Like people do. And I just wanted to make sure you kids were all right. You both got water there?’
Louise lifted her bottle, showed him. Sean stared straight ahead.
‘Well, drink up. It’s hot out here. Don’t want you getting dehydrated.’
Louise took a long swallow. Sean did not.
A rumble from somewhere outside, and the sheriff looked along the road.
‘Here she comes,’ he said, standing upright.
Sean peered around the front seat’s headrest, through the windshield. Another cruiser approached, slowed, and turned. It reversed along the shoulder until its rear fender was a few feet from the station wagon’s front. A younger woman in a uniform like Whiteside’s climbed out. She had blonde hair pinned back, a firm jaw like a boy’s, narrow at the hips.
Deputy Collins passed across the front of the car, joined Whiteside by the door.
‘This is Sean and Louise,’ he said. ‘They’re a little upset, but I told them you’d take good care of them. Isn’t that right?’
‘That’s right,’ she said as she crouched down. ‘Hi, Sean. Hi, Louise. I’m Deputy Collins, and I’m going to look after you. Just for a little while until we get all this settled. Don’t worry. Everything’s going to be all right.’
Sean felt a cold finger on his heart when he saw her blue eyes; despite her smile and her soft voice, she looked even more scared than the sheriff.
‘Now you guys come on with me.’
‘Where are you taking us?’ Sean asked.
‘Somewhere safe,’ Collins said.
‘But where?’
‘Somewhere safe. Maybe you could help Louise with her seat belt.’
Sean went to answer, to tell her no, they weren’t g
oing anywhere, but Louise said, ‘I can do it myself. The man said I could take Gogo.’
‘Sure you can,’ Collins said.
Before Sean could stop her, Louise was out of her booster seat, clambering across him, taking Collins’ hand. As the deputy helped her down, Sean stayed put.
Collins reached her free hand out to him. ‘Come on.’
Sean crossed his arms. ‘I don’t think I should.’
‘Sean, you don’t have a choice,’ she said. ‘You have to come with me.’
‘No.’
Whiteside bent down, spoke in a low voice. ‘Son, like the deputy told you, you don’t have a choice in this. If I have to, I’ll put you under arrest, put handcuffs on you, and carry you to the deputy’s car. Or you can just get on out and walk to it. What’s it going to be?’
‘You can’t arrest me,’ Sean said.
The sheriff leaned in close, the fear in his eyes edging into anger. ‘You absolutely sure of that, son?’
Sean swallowed and said, ‘Okay.’
He climbed out, and Whiteside put a heavy hand on his shoulder, guided him toward the cruiser, Collins holding Louise’s hand as she led the way. Collins opened the rear door of her car and helped Louise inside.
‘Scoot on over, honey,’ Collins said. She held a hand out for Sean.
Sean turned to look back at the sheriff’s car, tried to see his mother through the windshield. All he could make out was a vague shape that might or might not have been her. Whiteside’s thick fingers tightened on his shoulder, kept him moving toward Collins.
‘In you go,’ Collins said, a hand under his arm, maneuvering him into the car. ‘Do me a favor and help put your sister’s seat belt on, all right?’
Sean paused when he saw the car’s rear seat covered in a sheet of clear plastic, taped in place, covering the bench, the seatback, the footwells, the headrests. Collins put a hand to the small of his back, pushed him fully inside.
The door closed behind him, and he peered out through the dusty glass as the two police officers talked, their heads close together. Collins nodded at whatever Whiteside told her, then the sheriff turned and walked back toward his own vehicle. Collins stood still for a time, a hand over her mouth, staring at nothing. Sean had a moment to wonder what thoughts held her there, before she walked around the car, opened the driver’s door, and lowered herself inside.
As she turned the key in the ignition, she looked back at Sean and said, ‘I asked you to help your sister with her seat belt. Can you do that for me?’
Without taking his eyes off Collins, Sean pulled the belt across Louise, fastened it, then did his own.
‘Thank you,’ the deputy said.
Collins put the car in drive and pulled out from the shoulder, accelerating away from the station wagon in which they had traveled across the country. The turn for Silver Water came closer, and Sean waited for her to brake and turn the wheel.
She did not. Instead, she picked up more speed as she passed the exit. Sean turned his head, watched the sign and the turn fall away behind them. The terror that had been squirming in his belly since the sheriff pulled them over now climbed up into his chest and into his throat. The tears came, hot and shocking, spilling from his cheeks onto his T-shirt. He tried to hold them back, but couldn’t. Nor could he keep the whine trapped in his mouth.
Collins glanced back at him. ‘Don’t worry,’ she said. ‘Everything’s going to be all right.’
Somehow, the fact that she saw him cry like a baby made it worse, piling shame on top of the fear, and he cried all the harder. He cried for his mom and for home and the time they had together before they had to leave.
Louise reached across the seat, her small hand taking his. ‘Don’t cry,’ she said. ‘Everything’s going to be all right. They told us.’
But Sean knew they lied.
5
AUDRA SAW THE other cruiser pull away, blurred by her tears. She had watched her children being taken from the station wagon and brought to the deputy’s car, saw Sean’s glances back at her, wept when they disappeared from view. Now Sheriff Whiteside ambled back, his shades on, thumbs hooked into his belt, like there wasn’t a thing wrong with the world. As if her children hadn’t just been driven away by a stranger.
A stranger, maybe, but a policewoman. Whatever trouble Audra might be in, the policewoman would take care of the kids. They would be safe.
‘They’ll be safe,’ Audra said aloud, her voice ringing hollow in the car. She closed her eyes and said it again, like a wish she desperately wanted to come true.
Whiteside opened the driver’s door and lowered himself in, his weight rocking the car. He closed the door, slipped his key into the ignition, and started the engine. The fans whooshed into life, pushing warm air around the interior.
She saw the reflection of his sunglasses in the rearview mirror, and she knew he was watching her, like a bee trapped in a jar. She sniffed hard, swallowed, blinked the tears away.
‘Tow won’t be long,’ he said. ‘Then we’ll be on our way.’
‘That policewoman—’
‘Deputy Collins,’ he said.
‘The deputy, where is she taking my children?’
‘To a safe place.’
Audra leaned forward. ‘Where?’
‘A safe place,’ he said. ‘You got other things to worry about right now.’
She inhaled, exhaled, felt hysteria rise, held it back. ‘I want to know where my children are,’ she said.
Whiteside sat still and silent for a few seconds before he said, ‘Best be quiet now.’
‘Please, just tell—’
He removed his sunglasses, turned in his seat to face her. ‘I said, be quiet.’
Audra knew that look, and it chilled her heart. That melding of hate and anger in his eyes. The same look her father had worn when he’d had a bellyful of liquor and needed to hurt someone, usually her or her little brother.
‘I’m sorry,’ she said in a voice so low it wasn’t even a whisper.
Like a little girl of eight again, hoping ‘sorry’ would keep her father’s belt round his waist, not swinging from his fist. She couldn’t hold his stare, dropped her gaze to her lap.
‘All right, then,’ he said, and he turned back to the desert beyond his windshield.
Quiet now, just the rumble of the idling engine, and Audra was swamped with a feeling of unreality, as if all of this was a fever dream, that she was a witness to someone else’s nightmare.
But really, hadn’t the last eighteen months been like that?
Since she had fled from Patrick, taking Sean and Louise with her, it had been day after week after month of worry. The specter of her husband always looming beyond her vision; the knowledge of him, of what he wanted to take from her, hanging like a constant veil across her mind.
As soon as Patrick knew he had lost her, that she would no longer subject herself to him, he had been circling, seeking the one thing he knew could destroy her. He didn’t love their children, just like he had never loved Audra. They were possessions to him, like a car, or a good watch. A symbol to everyone around him, saying, look at me, I am succeeding, I am living a life like real people do. Audra had realized too late that she and the children were simply pieces of the façade he had built around himself to create the illusion of a decent man.
When she had finally broken free, the embarrassment caused a rage in him that had not faded since. And he had so many dirty strings to pull. The alcohol, the prescription drugs, the cocaine, all of it. Even though he had nurtured those weaknesses in her as ways to keep her tame – an enabler, the counsellor had called him – he now used those as weapons to pry her children away. He had shown the proof to the lawyers, to the judge, and then Children’s Services had come calling, interviewed her in the small Brooklyn apartment she had moved to. Such spiteful, hurtful questions.
The last interview had broken her. The concerned man and woman, their kind voices, asking was it true what they’d been told, and wouldn�
��t the children be better off with their father, even for a few weeks until she got herself straight?
‘I am straight,’ she had said. ‘I’ve been straight for nearly two years.’
And it was the truth. She wouldn’t have had the strength to leave her husband, taking the children, if she hadn’t got herself clean first. The eighteen months since then had been a struggle, certainly, but she hadn’t once fallen back into the habits that almost killed her. She had made a life for herself and the kids, got a steady waitressing job in a coffee shop. It didn’t pay much, but she had a little money put away that she’d taken from her and Patrick’s joint account before she left. She had even started painting again.
But the concerned man and woman hadn’t seemed to care about any of that. They had looked at each other, pity on their faces, and Audra had asked them to please leave.
And the man and woman had said, ‘We’d rather it didn’t have to go to court. It’s always better to settle things between the parents.’
So Audra had screamed at them to get the hell out of her home and never come back.
She spent the rest of the day in a state of frenzied agitation, shaking, craving something, anything to smooth the edges of her fear. In the end she called her friend Mel, the only friend she’d kept since college, and Mel had said, come out, come to San Diego, just for a few days, we’ve got room.
Audra began packing the moment she hung up the phone. It started as just enough clothes for her and the kids to last the few days, then she wondered about toys, and if they would want their favorite bedding, so the bags became boxes, and she knew she couldn’t fly, it would have to be the aging station wagon she had bought last year, and then it wasn’t going to be a few days, it was going to be forever.
She didn’t stop to think about what she was doing until she was halfway across New Jersey. Four days ago, morning, she had pulled onto the shoulder of the highway, beset by a panic that seemed to explode from somewhere inside her. While Sean asked over and over why she had stopped, Audra sat there, hands on the wheel, chest heaving as she fought for breath.
It was Sean who calmed her down. He undid his seat belt, climbed through into the passenger seat, and held her hand while he talked to her in a warm and smooth voice. Within a few minutes, she had gotten herself under control, and Sean sat with her as they figured out what to do, where they were going, and how they were going to get there.
