by Yu Hua
Actually, that’s not true. Morning Tang is a good-hearted fellow, generous and kind to his friends, it’s just there are too many women in his life, and that’s why my wife said he was a jerk. In the past, he would often drop by with a woman in tow. Nothing wrong with that—the problem was, it would be a different woman every time, and this is what made my wife start to feel nervous. She’s firmly convinced that men are influenced by the company they keep, and she felt it was really too dangerous for me to continue to interact with him, or—to be more precise—she felt it was too dangerous for her. She forgot that I am a decent and dutiful husband and began to issue frequent warnings, and her warnings were full of threats: she would tell me that if I behaved like Morning Tang, I would have disaster staring me in the face. She described all the details of what it would be like once disaster struck, or all the details she could think of. The trouble was, she always had a rich imagination in this area, and as a result I was growing more and more timid.
But Morning Tang is a careless, clumsy fellow, and he completely failed to pick up on the fact that my wife was so wary of him. Although I’d dropped hints lots of times, it made absolutely no impression on him. He could be quite obtuse. So it was that one day he sat down on our sofa and said loudly, “I see my friends getting married one after the other. You were first, and then Chen Lida, then Fang Hong, and then Li Shuhai. All four of you did exactly the same thing, marrying the first woman you met. I don’t understand why you were all in such a hurry to get married. Why didn’t you go out with a few more women first? Why not enjoy a free and independent life, like me? Why do you want to find a woman to tie you down, tie you down so tightly you can’t even breathe? Now, all I need to do is just think of you guys and I can’t help bursting out laughing. As soon as you open your mouths now, you’re all so anxious about the reaction, especially you—you can’t say two sentences without looking at your wife. Don’t you get tired of that? But there’s still time—you’re not old yet, after all. You’ve still got a chance to meet other women. Shall I introduce to one sometime?”
That’s Morning Tang for you. As soon as he gets going, he forgets himself. He forgot that my wife was stir-frying something in the kitchen, and given how loud his voice was, she heard every single word he said. So my wife marched out, her face livid, giving Morning Tang a prod with her wok, as the oil inside sputtered and spattered all over the place. “Get out of here,” she said. “Get out of my house.”
Morning Tang’s face twisted with alarm. He beat a hasty retreat, his two hands groping for support on the sofa as he stumbled backward, and he didn’t even have time to cast a glance my way before taking to his heels. I had never before seen such a look of sheer terror. I knew it wasn’t my wife he feared as much as the hot wok she was holding. Its spattering din took the steam out of his sails that day, and it had been more than a year since he had stepped inside my door.
Now, on this hot August night, he suddenly appeared, came into my house, and had a re-encounter with my wife. By this time she was already on her feet, and when she saw Morning Tang she gave a friendly smile. “Oh, it’s you. You haven’t been to see us for a long time.”
Morning Tang chuckled. It was obvious he remembered the hot wok. He stood there, somewhat ill at ease, until my wife pointed at the straw mat on the floor. “Come and sit down.”
He glanced at the mat, but remained standing. I raised the rattling fan so that it blew in his direction, and my wife took a soda out of the refrigerator and handed it to him. He wiped the sweat off his face as he drank. “Why don’t you sit down?” I said.
Now an ingratiating smile appeared on his face. “I don’t dare go home,” he said. “I have run into trouble.”
“What kind of trouble?” I was taken aback.
He glanced at my wife. “There’s a woman I’ve been … She’s married, and now her husband is waiting for me outside my apartment …”
I realized what had happened. A jealous husband had been moved to a towering rage, and now he was bent on giving my friend Morning Tang a bloody head. My wife picked up the remote and after changing a couple of channels began to watch a program with interest. She could afford to give the matter no further thought, but I couldn’t do that, for Morning Tang was my friend, after all. “What shall we do?” I said.
“Could you see me home?” he said, pathetically.
I needed to see my wife’s reaction. She was sitting on the mat watching the TV, and I was hoping she would turn her head and look at me, but she didn’t do that. So I had to ask her. “Can I see him home?”
My wife was still watching TV. “I don’t know,” she said.
“She says she doesn’t know,” I said to Morning Tang. “That being the case, I can’t tell whether or not I can see you home.”
Morning Tang shook his head. “When I was coming here,” he said, “I passed Chen Lida’s place, and Fang Hong’s place too. And if I’d wanted to go to Li Shuhai’s place, that would have been more convenient. Why did I come to you first? You know, though we haven’t seen each other for a year, we are still best friends, and that’s why I came to see you first. I never thought this would be your response, to say you can’t tell. Why don’t you just say straight out you don’t want to?”
“I didn’t say I didn’t want to, I just said I can’t tell.”
“What do you mean you can’t tell?”
“ ‘Can’t tell’ means …” I glanced at my wife. “It’s not that I don’t want to, it’s that my wife doesn’t want me to. If she doesn’t want me to, there’s nothing I can do about it. I can go with you all right, but once I go I won’t be allowed back home again—she’ll lock me out and not let me in. I can stay at your house for a day, or two days, or even a month, but I’ll have to go back home sooner or later, and once I do that my life will be a misery. Do you understand? It’s not that I’m unwilling to go, but she just won’t let me …”
“I didn’t say that,” my wife spoke up. She turned to Morning Tang. “Don’t believe what he tells you. Now he’s so intent on presenting himself as a pitiful creature, but the fact is he’s a real tyrant at home. He insists on having the final word on everything, and it just takes the slightest thing to go wrong for him to get in one of his rages. He’s smashed three glasses already this month …”
I interrupted her. “I really am afraid of you. Morning Tang can vouch for it.”
Morning Tang nodded his head repeatedly. “That’s right, he really is scared of you. We can all see that.”
My wife looked at us and laughed, as we stood there awkwardly, then turned to Morning Tang with a smile. “How many people are waiting outside your apartment?”
“Just one,” he said.
“Does he have a knife?”
“No.”
“How do you know he doesn’t? He would hide it in his pocket.”
“Impossible,” he said. “All he’s wearing is a T-shirt and a pair of shorts. There’s no way he could conceal a knife.”
My wife’s fears had been allayed. “Don’t stay out too late,” she said to me.
I nodded immediately. “I’ll leave now and be back soon.”
Morning Tang was clearly delighted by this unexpected development. Rather than turning around and making a prompt departure, he stood there and launched into an elaborate tribute to my wife’s liberal-mindedness. “I knew you’d understand, otherwise I wouldn’t have come here first. I thought it over, and it was clear to me that of all my friends’ wives you are the most reasonable. Fang Hong’s wife is so weird. Chen Lida’s wife is a shrew. Li Shuhai’s wife is always so keen on lecturing people. You’re the only one who listens to reason, you’re the best …”
Saying this, Morning Tang turned to me. “You’re a lucky devil.”
I thought that if he went on bullshitting like this much longer, my wife might well change her mind, so I gave him a kick. I kicked him so hard it must have hurt, for he gave a stifled “Ow!” but immediately caught on. “We’re off now,” he told
my wife.
Just as we were going out the door, she called me back. I thought she had changed her mind, but all she did was tell me quietly, “Don’t you go first. Let them go ahead of you.”
I nodded reassuringly. “Got it.”
After leaving my house, Morning Tang and I went first to Li Shuhai’s house. Just as he had predicted, Li Shuhai’s wife gave Morning Tang a long lecture. She had just taken a shower and was sitting in front of the fan combing her hair, and the water droplets shaken free by her comb blew like spittle onto Morning Tang’s face, forcing him to stretch out a hand frequently to wipe away the moisture. “Didn’t I warn you ages ago?” she said. “Didn’t I tell you that if you carried on this way, sooner or later someone’s going to break your leg? Li Shuhai, didn’t I say that?”
Our friend Li Shuhai sat there, saying nothing. It embarrassed him to hear his wife scolding his friend in such a tone of voice, but he still nodded his head ever so slightly. “Morning Tang, it’s not that you’re a bad person,” his wife went on. “In fact, your only problem is you’re such a skirt-chaser. It wouldn’t be a big deal if you went out with single girls, but when you start seducing other people’s wives, that’s really too much. The other couple has a perfectly good marriage in the first place, but once you start butting in, their happiness turns into suffering and you break up a once-contented family. If there is a child involved, it’s even worse for the kid. Just think, if you were to seduce me, how miserable Li Shuhai would be! Isn’t that right, Li Shuhai?”
Her use of such a personal example made her husband quite uneasy, but she was oblivious to this. “That’s the way you operate,” she continued. “You build your happiness on other people’s suffering, but sooner or later you’ll get your comeuppance. Someone’s going to beat the hell out of you, and in your case even if they beat you to death nobody’s going to shed any tears. Remember what I’m telling you: If you refuse to clean up your act, you’re going to come to a bad end. Now, there are people waiting for you outside your apartment, isn’t that right?”
Morning Tang nodded. “That’s true, you’ve got a point. I’ve had bad luck recently. The women I see all turn out to be with guys who want to pick a damn fight with me.”
Then Morning Tang and I, along with Li Shuhai, proceeded to Fang Hong’s house. We sat down in his living room, eating popsicles that he had taken out of the refrigerator. We watched Fang Hong, shirtless, go into the bedroom, and heard the murmur of voices on the other side of the door. We knew he was telling his wife what had happened and persuading her to let him go out on this hot night to lend Morning Tang a helping hand.
The bedroom door was open just a crack. We could see that the light inside was dimmer than the living room and we could hear their voices rise and fall. They were doing their utmost to talk quietly, so it sounded as though they weren’t talking so much as panting for breath.
After finishing the popsicles, we watched the head of the fan swing back and forth, blowing the hot air onto our sweating bodies. The three of us looked at one another and smiled, then stood up and took a couple of steps, then sat down again. We waited for a long time, and Fang Hong finally emerged. He carefully closed the bedroom door behind him and stood there looking grim. Then he pulled a white T-shirt down over his head and adjusted it. “Let’s go,” he said.
Now there were four of us. Streaming with sweat, we walked to Chen Lida’s apartment block. He lives on the sixth floor, the top floor. The four of us stood on the noisy street, surrounded by people trying to escape the heat inside their own apartments, and looked upward. We saw a light was on in Chen Lida’s apartment, and we called out, “Chen Lida, Chen Lida, Chen Lida.”
Chen Lida appeared on the balcony and poked his head over the balustrade. “Who’s there?” he called.
“It’s us.”
“Who?”
“Li Shuhai, Fang Hong, Morning Tang, and me,” I shouted.
“Hell, is it you guys?” Chen Lida gave a delighted cry. “Come on up.”
“No, we won’t,” we said. “You live too high up. Better if you come down.”
Now we heard a woman’s voice. “Come down and do what?”
We took a closer look. Chen Lida’s wife was on the balcony too. She pointed at us. “What is it you want to do?”
“Morning Tang’s in trouble,” I called. “We friends want to help him. Have Chen Lida come down.”
“What kind of trouble is Morning Tang in?” she asked.
“There’s someone waiting for him outside his house,” Li Shuhai said. “He wants to settle scores with him.”
“Why does this person want to settle scores with him?”
“Morning Tang has something going with this man’s wife,” Fang Hong said.
“I’ve got it now,” Chen Lida’s wife said. “Morning Tang’s been up to his old tricks again, so that man wants to kill him.”
“That’s right,” we said.
“It’s not that serious,” Morning Tang said.
“What’s the name of the woman he seduced this time?” Chen Lida’s wife asked.
We turned to him. “Who’s the woman this time?”
“Stop all this calling back and forth and letting so many people hear,” he said. “Can’t you see them all grinning? This is going to give me a terrible reputation.”
“What is Morning Tang saying?” Chen Lida’s wife asked.
“He told us to stop calling back and forth,” I said, “otherwise he’s going to end up with a bad name.”
“He already has a bad name,” Chen Lida’s wife shouted from the balcony.
“That’s true.” We agreed with her, and told him so. “Actually, you already have a bad name.”
“Fuck this,” he swore.
“What was that he said?” Chen Lida’s wife called.
“He says you’re right,” we answered.
So that’s how Morning Tang’s friends finally reached their full complement. On this August night, in a temperature of thirty-four degrees Celsius, the five of us walked along the still-steaming street toward Morning Tang’s apartment. On the way we asked him who the man was. He said he didn’t know him. Then we asked him who the man’s wife was. He said we didn’t know her. Finally we asked, How did he manage to seduce her? “What do you think?” he said. “It’s just the usual routine: first you meet her, then you take her to bed.”
“That simple?” we asked.
Morning Tang appeared to find our question too absurd to merit his attention. “You think there’s much more to it than there really is,” he said. “That’s why you guys are only fit to sleep with one woman all your lives.”
We stopped to buy cold drinks and stood outside the store, discussing how to handle the resentful cuckold. Li Shuhai said we should ignore him: all we had to do was see Morning Tang back to his house and let the husband know that Morning Tang has four friends like us, and the man would quickly give up on his crazy ideas. Fang Hong took the view that we should say a few words to the man, make him understand there was really no point in him giving Morning Tang a hard time, it was with his wife that he had scores to settle. What I said was: If it comes to a fight, what shall we do? Chen Lida said: If it came to a fight, all we had to do was simply stand to one side and cheer. Chen Lida felt that with us four to pep him up, Morning Tang would be sure to get the better of his adversary.
As we were debating, Morning Tang remained silent, and when we directly solicited his opinion we discovered he was busily casting flirtatious glances at a pretty girl. He hadn’t heard a word we were saying. We noticed that his eyes were gleaming. A few feet away to his right, a girl with shoulder-length hair was drinking a soda. She was wearing a black tank top and a long skirt with a floral pattern. As we sized her up, she turned her head a couple of times to look at us, and Morning Tang, of course, was included in her glance, though the glance seemed casual enough. After finishing her drink, she put her Coke bottle on the counter and walked briskly away. She looked pretty stunning, the way
she held herself. We watched as she stepped along the sidewalk, and then we watched in surprise as Morning Tang began to follow her. “Morning Tang!” we couldn’t help but cry.
He turned and gave a chuckle, then moved off smartly, to stay close behind the pretty girl.
We were speechless. Now he was off on a search for new happiness, we realized. But what kind of time was this to choose? An enraged man was waiting outside his apartment, gnashing his teeth in his eagerness to destroy him. He had called us out from our homes, made us walk so far we were bathed in sweat, insisted we see him safely back to his house, but now he had forgotten all about that, abandoned us in front of a convenience store, and left without saying goodbye.
So we unleashed a torrent of abuse, denounced him as incorrigible, cursed him as a useless son of a bitch. We predicted he would come to a bad end. We were certain that one of these days he would be infected with syphilis, syphilis so bad his flesh would rot. At the same time we vowed never again to get involved in his affairs. Even if he ended up with his legs broken, his eyes gouged out, his balls cut off, we would just act as though nothing had happened.
We cursed till we were blue in the face, till our energy was spent, and then we quieted down. We stood there, looking at one another, and after a moment we started to wonder, What do we do now? “Do we go back home?” I asked.
None of them answered, and I realized this was a really dumb suggestion. Immediately I corrected myself. “No,” I said. “We’re not going to go home.”
They understood straightaway what I had in mind. “Right,” they said. “We’re in no hurry to go home.”
We realized it had been several years since we last got together. If it hadn’t been for Morning Tang, our wives wouldn’t have let us out, and we suddenly became aware how rare an opportunity this was. We headed for a little bar across the street.
That night, we finally enjoyed another drinking bout, we talked endlessly, forgetting the passage of time, and none of us wanted to go home. Again and again we recalled those days when there were no women to bother us. What a wonderful time that was, when we walked forever through the streets, singing our heads off; when we muttered dirty remarks as we checked out the pretty girls; when we smashed the street lamps all along the block; when we knocked on doors in the middle of the night and ran away before the people could get out of bed and open the door; when we shut ourselves in a room with the windows closed and smoked like chimneys until the fog grew thicker and thicker, until we could hardly see one another. How many pranks did we used to play? How many times did we laugh so hard our guts ached? Some evenings we would pool together all the cash in our pockets and splurge it on beer. Later we would throw one of the empties into the air and then toss up another, making the two bottles collide in the air, shatter in the air, so the shards of glass fell to the ground like hail. We called this game Mid-Air Collisions.
