I couldn’t keep doing that to her. I couldn’t keep holding her down and hurting her to stay.
I had to trust that she would.
I had to stop being her Dominant.
And start being her strength.
“Thank you, sweet girl.” I opened my eyes and let her see my terror.
Her eyes widened, seeing me for the first time. All of me. The weak broken parts.
“Miya, can we start over? I’ll put my whips away. I’ll leave the orders at the door. No more punishments. No more darkness. No more pain. I’ll do whatever you want. But you can’t leave me. You leave, you take everything from me.”
If only it was that easy.
“What are you saying?” She sat up, her tender puffy lips opening in shock.
The sight of them still made my cock hard. Instilling pain was embedded in my DNA. It would take years maybe to pull it, strand by strand, from the thread-like chain of my genetics. But I would. For her. The sensation was so profound, I didn’t realize how heavy being a Dominant had weighed on my soul until I no longer wanted to be one.
“I don’t want to be a sexual Dominant anymore.” The words left me in a rush of defiance and fear.
She stood to her feet, her face a mask of shock. “Jaxon. You… you’re going to give that up? For me?”
I smiled sadly at her shock. “I’m not giving anything up. I’m doing what I have to do to keep you. And if that means to let that lifestyle go, then I have to do it. Don’t I?”
My voice still held a shred of hope that she’d tell me no. It’s okay, Master. Spank me until we’re eighty.
She didn’t. She smiled apologetically, her tears spilling over. “Oh, Jaxon.” She ran at me.
I stood up and caught her in my arms, wrapping them so tightly around her, she squeaked, but didn’t let me go. Maybe I could work the pain in my DNA into moments like this. Hug her so hard it hurt. Kiss her so hard her lips were bruised from affection, not my teeth. Fuck her so hard and good she cried after because she was so happy, instead of so sore.
Maybe I just had to figure out how to be human again.
Or for the very first time.
7. – Miya
I once saw a rainbow in the middle of a rainstorm. On one side the storm raged, on the other it was beautiful. It was thick with color as the gray sky poured down on me. I’d been hungry, and lonely, and empty—and that rainbow gave me so much hope even when I was soaked with rain.
That’s how I felt looking into Jaxon’s eyes. I was still smarting over everything we’d been through, but I didn’t feel hopeless either.
I grasped his face between my hands. “Are you sure you want to do this? What if you change your mind?” My heart dropped. “What if I still end up without you?” I could hardly keep it together at the thought. My emotions were in the trash and my panties confused. We were standing in front of one of the most beautiful men on the planet, and instead of being a tangled heap on the floor, our moans in the background, we were discussing losing him.
“You won’t,” he promised strongly. “You won’t lose me. I won’t let that happen. And I will not lose you, will I?” He delved so deeply into my eyes, I felt him lifting up my soul, and looking for a lie. There wasn’t one.
There never had been.
I forced his hand, prayed he’d make the right choice, and he’d made an even bigger one than I anticipated.
“Never,” I breathed, lust moving over me. I wanted to show him how I felt.
But he shook his head, a despondent knowing smile on his face. “Don’t look at me like that if you want this to work.”
“How will this work? What changes?”
“Everything but us,” he said, eyes shooting to my lips. “May I kiss you?”
He was asking me? Instead of holding his kiss hostage? My heart swelled. He already looked so out of his element, I let out a small giggle. He glared. I dropped my smile and nodded. “You can kiss me, Jaxon.”
He kissed me like it was our first time doing it. And maybe it was. He held me tightly, but loosely, like he knew he could lose me. I held him the same way. Like I could lose him. The other held the other’s heart. They were trophies we couldn’t dare let get dusty.
His lips were feather soft. His inexperience being soft made it hard not to cry. He had no idea what he was doing. I took control, kissing him with passion and heat. He groaned into my mouth and his hands moved down to cup my ass. We tasted the same. Two lost souls, one light, one dark, both blinking at the hope of sunshine.
“You taste so sweet,” he grunted, delving his tongue deep into my mouth.
I let him have my mouth, every single inch. It was heady to give it to him, instead of him thinking it was already his.
“You taste so bitter,” I moaned, gliding my tongue over his.
He chuckled against my lips. “Is that a good thing?”
I nodded, drunk. “So good. Make love to me?”
He pulled back sharply. “We haven’t even talked yet. We have no idea how to be. If I take you upstairs right now, I’m not going to be gentle. In fact, I don’t even know how to be gentle. I want to be rough with you, Miya. I want to make your body hurt and quiver and sing for me. I don’t know how to make love the way you want.”
I took a deep breath, my head still fogged, and now, thanks to him, sad. “How do I want you to make love to me?” I wondered.
“Slowly. Sweetly. No pain. Only good. For most people, I think it’s always that way.” He scrunched up his nose, as if the idea of doing so bored him.
I squelched down my bubble of laughter. “You make it sound so boring. I think it sounds beautiful. We’ve made love before. Maybe you just didn’t realize it.”
“Huh,” he muttered, working through that thought. “Can we leave the basement now?”
I took his hand. “Let’s take a bath together, and then we’ll talk.”
He stared down at my hand with a slight scowl. He didn’t like not being in control.
I rather loved it. I led him out of the room. “Run along now, Jaxon. Miya wants a bath.”
He grumbled behind me. “Brat.”
I was weak from hunger and from heartbreak. I wasn’t healed. Not by a long shot. Parts of me were still cracked and bruised. I ran a bath as he watched me, intently, cautiously, like I would leave screaming and laughing with his heart in my fist.
The thing was, he already had mine in his. He squeezed it tighter even after agreeing to let his lifestyle go for me.
“I’m going to try. I’m going to try really fucking hard to do this. But I need you to have realistic expectations.”
“I do,” I muttered, wounded.
“You do not. I see the stars in your eyes. You’re already picking out your wedding dress, and your lips are still swollen and chapped from my teeth.” His nostrils flared.
My dreams crashed. He was right. I was counting my stars before he made me dream them. “Then I will try, too. This is all new to me also.”
He nodded slowly, watching me. “Let me fix the bath.”
He wanted control. I wouldn’t give it to him. If I did, he’d want more, and then more, and then soon, I’d be right back in the dark crying into the shadows. “No,” I answered stiffly, reaching into the water to test its warmth.
He grumbled under his breath. “This is stupid.”
I ignored him and poured a stream of spicy male soap into the water. I wanted to smell like him. To be consumed by him. I peered up at him from under my lashes. “Will you get rid of your chambers?”
He looked stricken by the idea. His eyes skirted away, and his cheeks filled with angry heat. He shrugged. Just one shoulder. Like it hurt to do more. “Should I?”
“Your chambers never hurt me. We had an incredible night together in there. I wouldn’t mind keeping it for now.”
His shoulders relaxed marginally. “Thank you.”
I got up and held out my hands. “Undress me.”
He stepped forward, his gaze mirthful. �
��You little mistress. Ordering me around.”
“You like this order.”
He fondled my breasts through my shirt. “You’re right. I do.”
My nipples peaked. He pinched them through the fabric of my shirt. He grabbed the hem and pulled it over my head, and then knelt to his knees. He pulled my shorts down my legs and my panties, and then I stepped out of them to help him with his. I took off his shirt and got onto my knees to get him out of his sweats and boxers. His glorious cock sprang free and I peered up at him as I leaned forward to press a kiss to his crown.
He stilled, terrified I would take him into my mouth. It broke my heart to know that this was just one more thing taken from him. I leaned forward and nuzzled my face against his cock, inhaling the musky tangy odor. I held it in my lungs. My clit tingled. I got to my feet and then took his hand.
Relaxed now that I hadn’t crossed that line, he got in first, and I followed him. He wrapped his arms around me, my back pressed to his chest, and held me tightly in the bathtub.
The warm water cocooned me. Silence settled between us. I breathed through my nose and out through my mouth, pulling in the warm and spicy scent of his soap deep into my nostrils.
“I’ve been through many things,” he finally spoke up. “Horrible painful things. In a way, those things taught me that pain was a part of life. But there is nothing.” He pressed his lips to my shoulder. “Nothing that would compare to the horror of losing you.” A heavy breath blew from his lips and traveled down my spine. “Please don’t do that to me again.”
I closed my eyes to squelch the tears. I didn’t do that to him. I did it for me. If I wanted this to work, then I couldn’t continue to be the bad guy. “You gave me no choice.”
“I know,” he hissed, surprising me. “I know that I’m a fucking monster. I know, Miya. But you fell in love with me. And I fell so fucking hard in love with you, you made it so I can’t live without you.”
I shook my head sadly. “You’re doing it again. You’re afraid. Because now I hold everything in my hand. I could leave tomorrow.” He stiffened. “I could take everything we have with me. How do you think I’ve felt since the day we started talking?”
He sighed miserably. “Hand me the soap.”
I did, and when I tried to peer over my shoulder to meet his eyes, to get some sort of idea what he was thinking, he turned my shoulders around. I heard the cap open and the scent of plum and rose body wash filled the room, and soon, my head swam with it.
Spice and fruit created an intoxicating aroma. You’d think the two smells would clash. Instead, they wrapped perfectly around each together to create a uniquely wonderful scent.
“I won’t leave. Not if you keep your promise to change.”
“Then I will not let my fears turn into anger. If you keep your expectations reasonable.”
“Kiss on it?”
“Is this what I’ll be dealing with? Kissing on deals and taking orders?” He grasped my chin and turned my head, meeting my eyes with humor in his before he pressed a deep, soul rearranging kiss.
I was panting by the time he let me go. My face was covered in soap from his palm, and my lips were tender and raw.
He touched them tenderly. “I will ice and heat them.”
“No. Let them heal naturally. Like we will.” I gave him a hopeful smile.
He gave me a disgruntled glower. “If you wish.”
“I do.” I pecked him on his cheek and then rose out of the water. “Let’s get dressed and go out.”
He stared at me like I’d lost my mind. “It’s snowing. Heavily. I am no longer your—” He cleared his throat. “Dominant. I’m just a man in love with a woman, and nothing makes any fucking sense right now. I’m not going anywhere.”
I snorted. “Well, I’m going out. To get a coffee and a pastry and I’m going to walk around in the snow and hope for us.” I left the bathroom, a spark of power and confidence that he would follow sparking in me. No wonder he liked this. The power was intoxicating. I didn’t feel small or fragile.
I felt huge and powerful.
He followed me.
We got dressed warm. His closet was stocked to the brim with anything I’d ever need. I avoided the toys hanging in the back still in their packages and slipped on a black wool coat. “Get rid of those.” I flicked my gaze in their direction.
“Yes, Mistress,” he responded with an edge.
“You’re a good boy, Jaxon.” I touched my hand to the lapel of his onyx coat. He’d slid a palmful of product through his hair and his cologne was mouthwatering. His black jeans and dark blue dress shirt, coupled with his coat, made him look formidable, hard, and absolutely sinful.
My mouth watered.
We stepped out into the lush winter snowfall. It was the first time we’d been out in weeks. I took a deep breath of the icy air and peeked at him as he continued on down the walkway for his Lexus. I jogged to catch up, my winter boots giving me good traction. For him and for me. I got into the passenger seat and he turned on the heater, driving quietly.
“Where to?” he asked, an edge to his voice that said, since you’re in charge now.
“Er.” I bit my lip. I hadn’t gotten that far.
“I know a place,” he assured me, a smug grin lifting his lips. Who’s in charge now?
Why did either of us have to be in charge? Why couldn’t we be equals? That was the real struggle here. To stand side by side and love the other on our left or right to be right where they are.
For the time being, I had to play this power card. It was the only one he understood. All the others he’d probably played and won.
The moment we stepped out into the parking lot of a dessert shop in the Vernon neighborhood area, I remembered how hard it was to be normal around everyone else. I still felt just as separated and just as alone. Around Jaxon, I wasn’t any of those things. I was broken, and that was okay to him. He loved me anyway.
I stuck close to his side. Sensing my uncomfortableness, he grabbed my hand and gently took charge. He led me to the front door and held it open for me to duck inside first. I clung to his strong hand.
The scent of baked bread, coffee, and chocolate filled the room. I groaned and smiled when he sniffed appreciatively. We studied the pastries in the service window. There were so many of them I couldn’t choose.
“What are you thinking on?” I asked.
He smiled at the glass. “How good that chocolate fudge would taste off your body.”
I blushed. “I don’t think that’s on the menu, Jaxon.”
He chuckled down at me, his eyes twinkling. “Whose menu?”
He gave my hand a tug over to the ordering station.
“How can I help y—” the clerk began to say, and then appeared to be stuck when she met Jaxon’s eyes. “You. How can I help you, sir?”
I hid my smile in my jacket.
He gave her a blinding smile and her pupils dilated. She had to be a teenager. She was bright eyes and red cheeks. Adorable. She was caught in his snare, and he seemed quite pleased with himself having done so.
My smile fell.
“I’ll have a salted caramel latte with a chocolate croissant. Miya?”
I pressed my cheek to his coat and studied the menu for another second. I wanted to try something different. “I’ll have a green tea latte, bubble gum macaroons, and a white chocolate tart.”
“How many macaroons?”
I contemplated it and looked up at Jaxon. “Four?”
He chuckled and shook his head. “Sure, sweet girl.”
I ordered four, and when she rattled off the price, my power slipped away so fast, I felt like a young submissive with her older Master. I needed a job. Since college wasn’t hanging over my head anymore, I was open for employment. Jaxon owned my scholarship, so college was waiting for me.
“I need a job,” I announced the moment we’d chosen our table. The tables were bistro style and small. He looked comical in his dark glory in such a sweet shop.
His jaw tensed. He thought something mean. I could see it in his eyes. But he swallowed his response and nodded begrudgingly. “Anything but working with Sam at his fucking club.”
“Is that a hard limit for you?”
“Yes.” His gaze remained steely. He wouldn’t nudge from that.
“Okay,” I said. “I won’t work for Sam in any capacity.”
“Well, I didn’t say in any capacity. He has other businesses. If you want to talk to him, I’m sure he’d love to hire you.”
“I’d rather get my own job, thanks.” If I worked for Sam, Jaxon could keep tabs on me.
And judging by the wrinkle between his brows, that’s what he’d wanted. “Very well.”
Our food and coffee arrived, steaming, colorful, and delicious. At the same time, a group of girls got two plates of macaroons. They were red and blue, and they gushed, pulling out their phones and snapping pics in cute poses. I studied them the way I would an alien substance. With trepidation and aloofness. They were so unlike me, but we were probably close to age.
I hated how sad that made me. But when I looked up, Jaxon’s heated gaze was just for me. It soothed my anxiety and filled my heart with so much emotion, I felt too full. He was all I needed.
I plucked up a macaroon. “I’ve never had one,” I revealed.
He smirked and picked one up, turning the blindingly pink and blue confection over in his hand. “Can’t say I have either. Let’s try it together.”
I smiled timidly and brought it to my lips. The outside crunched, and the inside was gooey and sweet, tasting just like a piece of bubblegum. My eyes widened, and I groaned. Jaxon, however, scrunched up his nose and handed it off to me.
“Too sweet,” he surmised. “Must be the age difference.”
I rolled my eyes and took his, popping it into my mouth.
“What kind of job are you thinking about applying for?”
I took a sip of my latte and found the taste sweet and smooth, like vanilla and tea. I loved it. “I don’t know. Probably something that doesn’t require a lot of experience.”
He didn’t like that. His mouth turned down and he drank his latte slow and contemplative. “You deserve your first choice, Miya. Not what someone will give you. It’s a shame we couldn’t start a business together. Could you imagine?” Wistfulness painted his face. “You and I doing something we love together? No pressure. No mistakes.”
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