The Family She Needs

by Sue MacKay

  Breakfast was quiet until Mickey woke up. When he protested loudly about wanting to stay home again her heart wasn’t in trying to reason with him. Instead she picked him up, took him out to the car and buckled him into the seat; surprising herself as much as Mickey.

  He yelled at her all the way to kindergarten, so by the time she got to the clinic she had a pounding headache to go with her darkening mood.

  All morning Karina was aware of Logan’s voice through the wall as he talked to his patients, and it reminded her of him talking dirty as they’d made love. Had sex. They had not made love. That would mean they were going somewhere with this, and anyone with half a brain only had to look into Logan’s eyes and know the only place he was going was out of here and far away.

  He was still haunted by what had happened and his way of clawing back some control in his life was to organise hers.

  Voices intruded from outside. Workmen with ladders and tools were striding along the path.

  ‘What the—?’ Leaping up, she ran for the door and charged out onto the lawn. ‘Excuse me. Who are you?’

  One of them stopped and stared at her. ‘Mrs Pascale?’

  Not likely. ‘Karina Brown. This is my property. What are you doing here?’

  ‘Seems there’s a mistake. I thought this was Dr Pascale’s house?’

  ‘It is.’ The man himself came up behind Karina. ‘I’m Logan Pascale. You’re Harry?’

  ‘That’s me.’ He jerked a thumb over his shoulder. ‘This the roof you want looking at?’

  Harry Whoever flicked his gaze back and forth between Karina and Logan.

  ‘That’s right.’ Logan stepped around her. ‘Come in and I’ll show you where it’s leaking. I’d like you to check the whole structure while you’re at it, and give me a quote for both repairs and a full replacement.’

  Karina seethed. ‘Excuse me?’

  ‘Be with you in a moment,’ Logan called over his shoulder.

  Oh, boy, you are so going to regret this.

  She charged after him. ‘What happened to talking to me about any repairs?’

  ‘I didn’t realise I had to run absolutely everything past you.’

  ‘It should’ve been a reasonable assumption. I do live here. All the time. Unlike you. I have every right to know what’s going on with my home. I also think it only fair if I have a say on the decisions being made.’

  ‘I only talked to the roofing company this morning, and we have been rather busy in the clinic.’

  Karina came close to stamping her foot. Close, but she didn’t. ‘You’ve obviously been thinking about it before this morning.’ A picture of him leaning against that doorframe flashed into her head. ‘You could’ve told me about this instead of giving me a hard time about buckets. Is this how I’ll learn you’ve contacted a real estate company too? They’ll just turn up with their listing pads in hand and go through my home as though they own it?’

  ‘Cut it out. It’s a huge step from roofing to selling.’

  ‘So you’re not getting the house ready to sell?’

  Logan’s eyes narrowed. ‘We’re having that discussion at the end of my stay, remember?’

  ‘So it’s fine for you to prepare the house for sale, but I’m not supposed to think about it or, heaven forbid, even mention what we might do?’

  She’d come full circle—had swapped one control freak for another. And here she’d been thinking she’d made progress in the standing on her own two feet stakes. Idiot.

  ‘Karina, breathe deep and calm down. We—’

  The heel of her shoe was buried in the soft ground as she gave in to the urge to stamp her foot. ‘“Breathe deep”, he says. Like it works for you. Not. Anyway, I don’t want to calm down. I want to tell you exactly what I think.’

  Those grey eyes became the colour of cold steel. ‘I’m listening.’

  ‘From the moment you arrived I’ve been hearing what you plan to do with Mickey’s home and the clinic. Not once have you said, Let’s discuss our options. Oh, no, you want the whole package wrapped and sealed so you can go away again with a clear conscience. You think that’s the best thing for Mickey—and for me. Well, I’m telling you, buster, you are wrong. I am not moving. Ever. Nor is my boy.’

  Anger and pain shot through those eyes and she knew she’d gone too far. Mickey was in his care too. Except she was the one who’d be here day in and day out, every month of the year and beyond.

  ‘Finished?’

  As if she’d trust that calm tone. ‘I don’t care if the roof leaks, or the carpet needs replacing. It doesn’t matter if I have to juggle locums to keep the surgery running. This is my home. You can’t sell it out from under me. Us, I mean.’

  Hot tears ran down her heated cheeks but she didn’t care. He could think what he liked about them as long as he got the damned message.

  ‘Leave me alone. Leave us to live quietly and happily, as we were before you arrived. I don’t need you interfering and telling me what to do.’

  ‘You have to start facing reality.’

  ‘Yours? Or mine?’ she snapped.

  He stood tall, staring down at her. Some of those lines around his mouth and eyes had filled out over the weeks he’d been here. Huh? Why was she thinking about that now? Then he got her full attention.

  ‘I think it’s a good idea if I move out for the rest of my stay in Motueka.’ Light glinted off those steely eyes.

  ‘I agree.’

  But what scheme would he be cooking up when he had more time on his hands? Who would wake him from those nightmares? She opened her mouth to say that if he stayed they’d work something out. Stopped. Pressed her lips together. Maybe they wouldn’t. It was too late. Putting everything off until the end of his stay had been a mistake.

  ‘I’ll come see Mickey every day.’

  ‘Of course.’ She didn’t expect any less of him.

  ‘I’ll get my things at the end of the morning session.’

  ‘Right.’

  He spun away, turned back. ‘I’ll pick Mickey up from kindergarten today and take him with me until dinner time. Is that okay with you?’

  ‘Yes.’

  God, now they sounded like a divorcing couple, fighting over the kids.

  ‘This might be for the best anyway. He’s getting too close to you and his little heart is going to break when you go. Moving out of the house will soften that blow.’

  For Mickey and for her.

  Logan’s cheeks paled. ‘I get it. I’ve stayed too long. But he is my nephew. I am his family.’

  The longing lacing his words stole into her heart, slowed her anger.

  He reached a hand out and ran a finger over her chin. ‘This isn’t over, Karina.’

  ‘I think it has to be.’

  She should be grateful he was on the move, but she couldn’t explain the way her heart thudded wildly as she watched him cross to the corner of the house and disappear around the back. He really was leaving, and taking something of her with him—a piece of her heart. At least it was a piece and not the whole package. It felt beyond hard to watch him go, but it would have been a lot worse in another week.

  Toughen up. Take everything on the chin. Get back to life as you know it.

  Quiet and happy. Lonely and boring. At least she’d know where she was. Or would she? Just because Logan was no longer staying here it didn’t mean he wouldn’t be hatching plans. Didn’t mean she’d switch him off, out of her system. Impossible after last night, after knowing his body, knowing how he moved when he came inside her.

  The sound of screeching tin had her turning her head in the direction of the roofers.

  The house would feel empty, but at least it would be dry.

  * * *

  Logan swore as he tossed his few clothes into a
holdall. What the hell had happened? One minute everything had been hunky-dory, the next he was out on his butt. Not that he could blame Karina for that. He’d put his hand up—said he was going. But she’d been quick to jump down his throat with all her unfounded accusations.

  Now he had to find a motel room that was far enough from humanity that no one would hear him calling out in his sleep. Not everyone would be as patient and understanding as Karina. No one would care like she did. He’d gone two nights without a nightmare this week. A first. All down to Karina.

  Outside, he went to talk with Harry, agreed on a price for a new roof, and walked down the drive to his vehicle, refusing to look back. Somewhere behind him Karina would be nursing a patient or making a sandwich or drinking tea. What she wouldn’t be doing was wishing he’d stay.

  Karina, I’ve fallen in love with you, somewhere between your puddle-jumping antics and last night, when I held your naked body tight against mine. Leaving is breaking me, but staying will break you. I’m not the right man to love you. You need someone willing to face his demons like you’ve done: bravely and without fanfare.

  So he had things to do for her, to get the show on the road. Chucking his bag onto the back seat, he climbed into the vehicle and scrolled down the contacts list on his phone.

  * * *

  ‘Uncle Logan, have you come to get me?’ His favourite little man ran at him an hour later. ‘Pick me up.’

  Logan obliged. ‘Want to go for a ride to Nelson?’

  Mickey’s yells of excitement brought his teacher racing outside. ‘What’s going on? Is Mickey all right?’

  ‘He’s fine, Scarlett. I’m taking him out of kindergarten early today.’

  ‘He’s been missing a lot of kindy since you came on the scene.’ Scarlett shrugged. ‘You do a lot with him. He adores you.’

  ‘The feelings are reciprocated.’

  But give it another week and the boy might hate him. He squeezed Mickey tighter, breathed in his boy smell, and looked upwards. James, he’s a cracker kid. Tell me how to do the right thing. Hell, tell me what the right thing is.

  ‘Where’s Karina?’ Mickey asked as he drove out of town and onto the causeway heading to Nelson. On one side of the road were apple orchards, on the other a tidal estuary.

  ‘At work.’

  She enjoyed her job, and her enthusiasm for her busy life seemed endless, but could that be a cover for the hurt underneath? He’d begun to appreciate her need to make a haven from where she could look life in the eye.

  ‘Why isn’t she coming with us?’

  ‘She’s letting us have man-time together.’ His nephew had latched on to Karina like a lifeline. Well, duh, she is his lifeline. So get it sorted, get it right for her, make her life easier.

  His foot pressed harder on the accelerator. The lawyers were waiting.

  * * *

  The house was cold when Karina let herself in after work. The day had dragged, her body ached, and tears had regularly threatened but thankfully hadn’t spilled. She couldn’t have David or Leeann asking what was wrong, or the patients fussing over her.

  In the lounge, she cursed. The fire hadn’t been set. There was no kindling chopped, nor any wood in the basket. Those had become Logan’s jobs over the time he’d been here, and obviously they hadn’t been foremost in his mind when he was walking out.

  Trudging outside to the woodshed, she picked up the hatchet and began splitting pine for kindling. Dinner. Yeah, well, so what? The chicken she’d planned on baking could stay in the fridge. About all she could face was toast. It wouldn’t hurt Mickey this once.

  ‘Let me do that. You’re going to lose a finger unless you start watching what you’re doing.’

  She leapt up, dropping the axe at her feet. ‘Don’t creep up on me.’

  Sadness leaked out of Logan’s eyes. ‘Let’s not play those games. Mickey’s inside, looking for you. I’ll bring the wood in and be on my way.’

  Gulp. He had a point. She had lashed out thoughtlessly.

  ‘Thank you.’

  ‘Karina, we went to Nelson.’ Mickey’s short arms wrapped around her thighs. ‘It took a long time.’

  Placing kisses on his head, she lifted him to stare into his sweet face. ‘You’re home now.’ She loved him so much it terrified her.

  ‘Logan took me to a big building with lots of windows. The lady gave me a lemonade drink.’

  ‘That was nice.’ Where had Logan gone? To see his real estate agent? Yeah, I bet he did. Of course he wants this house sold ASAP now that he’s moved out.

  About to storm outside and give him a piece of her mind, she hesitated. Slow down, think it through. It wasn’t as if he could sell without her signing papers for the trust lawyers. She’d wait and see what he said.

  He said absolutely nothing about his jaunt over to the city.

  ‘I’ve brought in enough kindling and wood for the rest of the week.’

  Don’t say a word. See if he’ll talk about the house, or the surgery. Anything.

  ‘Thank you.’

  ‘See you tomorrow, Mickey.’

  And he walked out.

  That went well.

  She snatched bread out of the pantry. A can of baked beans. Mickey’s favourite dinner.

  ‘I’m hungry.’

  Right on cue.

  ‘Set the table, then.’

  He put three mats up, then three sets of cutlery. ‘Where’s Uncle Logan gone?’

  That was the thing. She didn’t know. Not that it was a problem. She had his phone number if she needed to get in touch.

  ‘Into town, sweetheart.’ Please don’t ask me anything else.

  ‘Will he be back to put me to bed?’

  Did she want a tantrum? Or peace and quiet while they ate?

  ‘Let’s hope so.’ Not quite a lie, but close enough to crank up the guilt.

  Thankfully Mickey shrugged and dragged a stool over to the sink, filled three glasses with water. But when she tried to undress him for bed it was a different story.

  ‘Where’s Uncle Logan? I want him to read to me.’

  ‘He’s in town, sweetheart. Now, let’s get your shirt off.’

  ‘No.’ He ducked out of reach.

  Damn you, Logan Pascale. ‘Mickey, come here. Now.’ She gritted her teeth and counted to ten. Stood up. ‘Right. Get into bed. Clothes and all.’

  She was done arguing.

  ‘Why won’t he help me?’ Mickey bit his bottom lip and blinked as tears rolled down his face.

  ‘He’s busy.’ She tentatively made to lift his shirt and was surprised when he let her. ‘Where did you get those bruises?’

  Her heart stilled as she studied the purple marks on his upper arm. Three dark marks about the size of a fifty cent piece. Too uniform for a bleeding disorder, surely?

  Mickey shut his eyes. ‘Don’t know,’ he whispered as he reached for his pyjama jacket to pull over his singlet.

  ‘Did you bump into something at kindy, sweetheart?’

  He nodded slowly and climbed into bed.

  ‘You need to watch where you’re going.’

  After tucking him into bed, she read him stories until he fell asleep. Dropping a kiss on his forehead, she clicked off the light and headed to the lounge, curled up into a chair.

  Where are you staying, Logan? In the firebox flames flicked against the glass, sending a warm glow over the tiles. Will the motel proprietor look after you when the nightmare strikes?

  Tears spilled over and poured down to drip off her chin.

  Can you bring back the pieces of my heart you’ve stolen? I can’t let you keep them. This wasn’t supposed to be so hard. When did I fall for you? Was it that day I came home to find you lying in front of the fire, holding one tired little boy? O
r the morning you brought me a cup of tea in bed because I’d got up to Mickey three times and to you once during the night?

  Could it have occurred during one of those nightmares, when anger and fear had glittered out of his grey eyes as he returned from that place of horror he went to in his sleep?

  It didn’t matter. It had happened. And she needed to do something about it. Pull up the barriers and protect what was left.

  Her heart stuttered. Too late, her head screamed.

  With an exasperated sigh she threw herself out of the chair and went to make hot chocolate. The heck with her hips. This was a serious situation and only chocolate would help. That or Logan apologising and then sitting down with her to talk through everything.

  The spoon scraped against the bottom of the pot as she absently stirred the heating milk. Her hand shook slightly. How would she cope if the house was sold? Could she make a haven in another place? There’d been so many changes over the last few months. She wasn’t ready for any more.

  Suddenly she was afraid. Afraid of starting again, of finding that some of those things she’d strived to put behind her had come back to torment her.

  Logan Pascale had already changed things by being—Logan. She’d been unsettled from the moment she’d first laid eyes on him. She’d begun to want, to wonder, to hope, to feel. There was more to life than what she had. She could have it all and survive happily. But only if she was prepared to step off the edge and give it a go.

  There was the crux of the matter. She was not going to take a risk with her heart, her life, her everything ever again. It had been a lonely battle since Maria had died, but she couldn’t let that rule her head. So, even loving Logan as she did, she had to keep him at arm’s length. No, make that at the end of a rainbow. Unattainable. Out of temptation’s way.

  She had to ask him exactly what he was up to. His answer should dampen the fire in her belly.

  Picking up the phone, she tapped Logan’s number.

  ‘Karina.’

  ‘Do you like working in the clinic? Are you tempted to stay on permanently?’

  Silence, then the sound of a chair being moved. ‘That’s why you’ve phoned?’