From draft; see 308:1-3:
This, then, was an event. It is good that it happened. And yet it actually was not entirely right for her to want to communicate with me in this manner. She has no idea at all of the impression she can make on me; but presumably she relies on my ability to endure everything.—Pap. V B 103:23 n.d., 1844
From draft; see 308:23-25:
. . . . . and so it is settled with her, my proud sun or, rather, with her, my bright moon—” as warm as the sun, as amorous as the moon.”112 Yes, she enchants me. That so much can happen in so short a time!—Pap. V B 103:25 n.d., 1844
From draft; see 309:33-310:23:
. . . . . part of the fear. I am not expecting death, or insanity, or an intensification of her temporal existence, or an energetic expression indicating that she is destroyed, or a grand religious movement.
Thus I could have spared all my effort. Yet I do not regret it, and I am ever ready at all times once again to spend a whole day on the most trivial thing that could pertain to her. And yet I achieve nothing. In a certain sense I am the most sagacious person around, and in another sense I am the most stupid. Within my presupposition, I am the most intelligent, but this presupposition, which is always ideal, makes me with all my sagacity the most stupid of persons; thus someone who is half as sagacious as I am but who does not become involved with such presuppositions is actually far more sagacious than I am.
But I do not repent my ideal presupposition; in it I hold her and myself in honor.—Pap. V B 103:26 n.d., 1844
See 310:3-323:23:
In a section about Periander in Fénelon’s Lebensbeschreibungen und Lehr-Satze, Frankfurt and Leipzig, 1748, I read something which I had never read before and which is extremely interesting and poetic.
The passage is from pp. 80 bottom-87 bottom.—-JP V 5736 (Pap. V A 45) n.d., 1844
Deleted from sketch; see 310:35-38:
Midnight.
Sadness is actually sorrow’s grace; but one must creep before one learns to walk and shriek before one learns to be sad.—Pap. V B 97:14 n.d., 1844
From draft; see 312:4-15:
I now have my being entirely in my power. In this respect that misunderstanding has harmed me. She certainly notices that I look serious. She probably thinks that it is because of that quarrel. How maddening it is.—Pap. V B 103:27 n.d., 1844
From draft; see 315:20:
—This is my pellet.
—Pap. V B 103:28 n.d., 1844
Deleted from margin of sketch; see 316:30:
Midnight.
Whether I could not provide her with a more lenient impression of me—although I dislike these half explanations—to a certain degree—Pap. V B 97:44 n.d., 1844
Deleted from margin of sketch; see 316:32-317:29:
Midnight.
The more lenient interpretation she must be provided with—now the imaginary construction is being developed.—Pap. V B 98:3 n.d., 1844
From draft; see 317:36-37:
And yet this criterion is the current one—Yes, what is more, it is what poets* use when they portray heroes; Goethe does not have as much as one proper villain or one serious character in his repertoire—they are all fabricated people. Scribe is the cleverest of them all.
In margin: *Goethe
—Pap. V B 103:29 n.d., 1844
Deleted from margin of sketch; see 318:35-319:10:
Midnight.
The story about Pericles in the second part of Plutarch, pp. 239 and 238. He weeps for his son, repeals the law about legitimate children; the Athenians believe that he is being punished by the gods.—Pap. V B 97:45 n.d., 1844
From sketch; see 323:22-328:4:
My Reading Lesson.*
My Lesson
Periander.
*It is prepared for use in schools and therefore it is not considered necessary to become involved in the difficulties with respect to the two Perianders and the distinction in Herodotus etc.
In margin: Bookmark.
Reading for Diversion
—Pap. V B 133 n.d.,1844
From draft; see 323:22-328:4:
My Reading Lesson.[*]
Periander.
Whether the tyrant P. is also the wise P., whether some statements by him ought to be attributed to another person with the same name, P. of Ambracea, whether the distinction in antiquity’s perceptions determine an essential distinction: all this cannot occupy us or justifiably attract the attention of someone who is only preparing a reading book for beginners, and so regards the tale with which he is passing the time.
[*]In margin: “more crushed than repentant”
—Pap. V B 136:1 n.d., 1844
From draft; see 330:13-17:
. . . . . She begs me for God’s sake, she begs me in memory of my mother not to leave her.—Pap. V B 104:3 n.d., 1844
From draft; see 330:20-25:
It is God’s name and my late mother’s name. Indeed, the person who dares to and is justified to use these weapons against me has power over me.—Pap. V B 104:4 n.d., 1844
Deleted from sketch; see 331:20-332:8:
Morning
So come, then, for the last time, you mighty one, irony—help me.
“Moon, lend me your ease in changing.”
Lauge Urne in
Eric and Abel.113
a religiously unifying point we cannot have under such conditions.
In margin:
Thus I am as if married to her.
God—and my dead mother.
it is an unerotic action.
frivolously to risk her honor
—Pap. V B 97:24 n.d., 1844
From sketch; see 331:18-332:4; 373:19-21:
In Part 3 (the two months)
Morning
. . . . . to have so much at stake on one play; her father is just as dear to me as she is, the whole family . . . . . —Pap. V B 97:18 n.d., 1844
From sketch; see 332:34:
Midnight reports that correspond approximately to Part 3 in the story.—Pap. V B 98:1 n.d., 1844
Deleted from sketch; see 335:4-31:
Midnight.
I have seen her. There is a movement in her face; whether it is weeping or laughter I do not know; I could write a whole book about it.—Pap. V B 97:42 n.d., 1844
Deleted from sketch; see 335:4-31:
Midnight.
I have seen her. There is a movement in her face. Is it weeping or laughter? Bosom—throat muscles.—Pap. V B 98:10 n.d., 1844
From draft; see 335:34-36:
[V B 114 207] I can remember once hurrying down one of the streets in the vicinity of Nicolai Tower.114 I was supposed to be somewhere at precisely three o’clock, and I thought it was past three. Then I heard one stroke from the tower. I realized that I had arrived too late, that the time was a quarter past three. And yet it was wrong. The transmission of sound has a limit one does not consider when the line of demarcation is so close. [V B 144 208] The bell actually struck three; it was the last stroke. But when the hour was struck on the second stroke I still was not close enough to hear the church bell. That is why I thought it was a quarter past three.—Pap. V B 114 n.d., 1844
From draft; see 338:16-19:
As for the planned jealousy, I actually do not fear it; it is hardly my concern. After all, it would be most ridiculous for me to become jealous because another person obtained what I did not want. Jealousy demands that I myself want to have it and then another person obtains it.
In margin: for Augustine (in De doctrina Christiana) declares very correctly: non enim in carendo difficultas, nisi quum est in habendo cupiditas [for there is no difficulty in abstaining, unless there is lust in enjoying].115—Pap. V B 115:1 n.d., 1844
From draft; see 339:10-12:
I do believe that Young is wrong, and later Talleyrand, when they say that language is for the purpose of concealing thoughts; I believe also that a more recent author is wrong when he says that the purpose of language is not for concealing thoughts but for concealing th
e fact that one has no thoughts . . . . . 116—JP III 2322 (Pap. V B 115:2) n.d., 1844
From draft; see 340:27-32:
. . . . . because to be a model of virtue or a saint is for one [V B 115 3 208] thing a very embarrassing position in life; for another—and this is the most dangerous—precarious for virtue and sanctity. It is so satisfying, it is inspiring, to know that one is serving pro virili [according to one’s capacity] what one considers to be the good and does it gratis. The person who really loves some study or other with enthusiasm will reluctantly make this study his job, even if he is awake early and late for it. Similarly the person who really loves the good does not want [V B 115:3 209] this enthusiasm of his to become a job enthusiasm, nor does he want to be persecuted by the world as if this were a proof of one’s being so virtuous; above all, neither does he wish to have a dozen applauding friends. If one really wishes to have security about oneself, it is always best to exist under a form of deception. The deception can be twofold: one can deceive by being a villain at heart and yet so decent externally; one can also deceive in the opposite way.—Pap. V B 115:3 n.d., 1844
From draft; see 342:32:
Of course, that requires a kind of self-denial, which in my view is not great, namely, to be nothing and have meaning in one’s life instead of seeming to be something in which there is no meaning, and unctuously demand the same of others. But . . . . . —Pap. V B 115:5 n.d., 1844
From draft; see 342:37-343:34:
I am well aware that everyone would smile at me if I initiated him into my doubt, for what the pastor says everyone can indeed understand, and what I say is confused. Yet I was willing to give my life for the truth of my objection, but it would be inconsistent of me to initiate anyone into it, for there I would have to fancy that I was supposed to prepare the Lord’s way for others by proclaiming doubt. But I do not delude myself; I have only with myself to do.
With regard to her, it is another matter . . . . . —Pap. V B 115:6 n.d., 1844
From draft; see 346:22-33:
I certainly do not blame her for it; I have never searched for my guilt in any other person. Even if my adolescent years were disturbed by impressions which the child should be spared, I never seek guilt in any other person but in myself, in the fact that the disturbing factor had a disturbing effect on me. Of what use is it to blame another person—and to live without meaning, for there is no meaning in the fact that someone else is able to damage me. Every such observation is only a secular diversion that does not want to understand ethically something that demands a religious reassurance.—Pap.V B 115:7 n.d., 1844
Deleted from sketch; see 347:6-9:
Midnight.
To go away on a journey will never do; she could enter into an illusion.—no, the thing to do is to remain absolutely the same, to do nothing at all.—Pap. V B 98:2 n.d., 1844
From draft; see 348:22-24:
It is a beautiful falling in love when one looks to see if it pays; it is even more beautiful than if a pastor, during the enthusiasm of his discourse, could see how much each one was putting in the collection box! If only I can keep the inwardness of prayer to my last breath, I ask nothing more. In its enthusiasm I am strong enough to forsake everything, and without it I am more wretched than a sucking calf—of what use to me then is the world’s glory!—Pap. V B 115:8 n.d., 1844
From draft; see 348:38-349:2:
This is just as ludicrous as when a man is unable to speak except to a general assembly—indeed, infinitely more ludicrous. But, of course, since one indeed knows that one can talk to God gratis, one must see to having a little benefit from it in another way. So it is with people. Let a man work to the utmost of his capacity in order to find the truth, but let him in addition have sufficient enthusiasm (bearing in mind that a dancer ought never be seen to be panting) to say: It costs nothing—then the world says: He is a selfish man. Let a man work half as much, but say: It costs so and so much—then the world says: That is a really clever man, a useful member of society. And why is he clever and useful? Because he lets himself be paid.
Yet I would rather not argue about this with anyone, much less have an esteemed public or a crowded congregation to feel that they are called to decide who is right. It is my final, my deepest conviction that every human being is equally near to God if he or she wants it. If anyone is unwilling to understand this, if anyone would rather waste his and my time in friendly squabbling, he will not fool me, for my exterior is especially designed to be free of all partnership.—Pap. V B 115:9 n.d., 1844
From sketch; see 349:12-28:
Morning
During these two months I am doing everything to confuse her; only one thing do I insist on, and I say it to her earnestly, that she always was good enough for me, it is the last thing I said to her and as earnestly as possible. I do not have the heart to hurt her.
Every week I ask her whether we should part or keep on quarreling.
She joins in the laughter up to a certain point; then she stops laughing and the tears come; consequently she does not have any infinitude.
No trace of resignation on her part. And all this is taking place between us. No one suspects anything.
—Pap. V B 97:28 n.d., 1844
From sketch; see 349:25-29:
Midnight.
A very inflamed response prompted by rage over lost honor and shattering of pride. —Can honor put on a leg, says Falstaff; no, but lost honor can trip one up.
—Pap. V B 98:15 n.d., 1844
From draft; see 350:3-7:
. . . . . My soul would be rocked in the recollection of her by the monotonous waves of the sea, in winter I would deceive myself as I hurried to her.
In margin: Then I would walk out to the customshouse and fancy that she was arriving by steamship; then I would sit in my old café and watch her walk by.—Pap. V B 116:1 n.d., 1844
From draft; see 350:9-11:
I have only the responsibility of eternity, and for me the branch of recollection is no almond staff117 but a sword of judgment over my head.—Pap. V B 116:2 n.d., 1844
Deleted from margin of sketch; see 350:11-15:
Midnight.
Nor do I dare recollect her. Adam could not and dared not recollect Eden—the angel with the sword.118 —Pap. V B 98:5 n.d., 1844
From draft; see 350:11-15:
Do you recollect . . . . . If he himself wanted to return to Eden, the angel with the flaming sword would indeed be standing there; would not the same angel be standing before the recollection.
It was sad for Petrarch that Laura belonged to another, but he nevertheless dared to think of her.119 He had no other reproach than the fact that the pain became more bitter the more he dreamed, but no higher power forbade him that.—-JP III 3240 (Pap. V B 116:3) n.d., 1844
Deleted from sketch; see 350:17-37:
Midnight.
In all my depression I was an enthusiast; my depression is actually a form of my enthusiastic nature. At an early age I saw through people; then I would collect all the romantic fire in my soul, while outwardly I would be cold common sense. It was judging the world indirectly. Yet my shield must be clean. Now everything is confused; I have gotten a stain on my shield;120 I was, after all, cold, commonsensical, shabby. See! It is my ruin, worse even than hers.—Pap. V B 98:6 n.d., 1844
From draft; see 352:4-8:
If I will not resign myself to bear the cross of necessity, if I will not resign myself to suffer the pain of necessity, then I am annihilated and am nothing at all and have nowhere to be but among men in misunderstanding. Only when I bear this cross and feel this pain, only then will the cross be changed into a star and the pain into rejoicing.—Pap. V B 116:6 n.d., 1844
From draft; see 352:17-353:11:
I know you, you horrifying thoughts, which still are alien to my being, I know that one can infatuate her with words, I understand how Richard III could overpower a woman who was his sworn enemy and change her into his mistress, I know that there is nothing that works so e
ffectively on her as untruth, a lie, when it is rendered with the flaming of wild enthusiasm, with the noxious excitement of lust, I know it; she actually does not love such a person, she almost loathes him, but she becomes dizzy, drugged, she surrenders. It was as if an evil spirit wanted to bring me into his power (for these spiritual trials run down and one becomes weary of shrieking, weary of crying, weary of raging, if nothing comes of it). It already offered me as deposit a presentiment of superhuman powers by which I would accomplish great things—in that way rescue my pride and save my honor. Oh, it is a hard road, the transition from being larger than life in the power of evil to being nothing, nothing whatsoever, less than nothing, and even less than nothing through the antecedent aberrations of thought.—Pap. V B 116:7 n.d., 1844
From draft; see 356:15-21:
. . . . . for my sake. I occupy myself essentially only with her, she occupies herself essentially only with herself, and yet I cannot stop loving her.—Pap. V B 107:3 n.d., 1844
From draft; see 358:28-29:
. . . . . that the idea of a seduction almost comes from her. Thus the whole relationship is jolted as in an earthquake—that ultimately a casual offhand expression for our understanding should be chosen because my faithfulness was too high-strung to be satisfied with the most faithful expression.—Pap. V B 108:1 n.d., 1844
From draft; see 359:15:
. . . . . into the discussion (her falling in love, our separation, whether she has respect for me and in such a way that she certainly does have respect but does not feel love, her future) . . . . . —Pap. V B 108:2 n.d., 1844
From draft; see 359:36-360:7:
. . . . . then she would be far better off by having an unhappy love affair in which she has no guilt, holds it firmly, and makes a religious transfer. But she is unable to do that; to start it is of no use at all, and if she had been such a person she would not have behaved as she is behaving.—Pap. V B 108:3 n.d., 1844
From sketch; see 360:9-363:15:
Stages on Life’s Way Page 66
