My heart is aching. It’s insane how she’s pushing through the blocks that have surrounded my heart for years, knocking them down with each word she says and each flutter of her long dark lashes. “You’re making something inside of me blossom, Petra.”
Her hand on my cheek makes me close my eyes as it sends so many feelings through me. Love is at the very top, and then she whispers, “You’re making things blossom inside of me too. You see, I had a romantic notion about who and what my Dom would be. Everyone told me that love would never come into play. Everyone warned me that if I allowed that to happen, then I’d be left with a broken heart. Do you plan on leaving me with that, Owen?”
I open my eyes, not believing what she’s saying. “I was also told that love wasn’t a thing I’d find in that club. And I believed it. Have I found love, Petra? Is that what this is?”
“You tell me,” she says, volleying the ball back in my court. “Do you think of me more often than not?”
Nodding, I say, “I think of you all the time. I even dream about you. And how about you? Do you think of me often?”
“All the time. But I also think about myself and what I can and cannot live with. I can’t just be your girl you come to when you want.”
“But I want to all the damn time,” I say with a chuckle. “So there’s not much to fear about that.”
Shaking her head, she says, “That’s not enough for me.”
With a sigh, I say, “I know that. And you’re right, it shouldn’t be enough for you. You deserve it all. An entire man who would move heaven and earth for you, if he needed to. Not some man who’d leave you alone to miss him and only come to you when he wanted to get a piece of ass. You’re better than that.”
She nods, and I’m glad to see that. “It’s nice to have you understand that.”
“It’s nice to have you be so honest with me. The fact that you aren’t jumping through hoops for me is attractive. You don’t try telling me to stay with you. You make me want to do that without saying a word. You’re perfect, Petra. And probably more than I deserve, but I want you anyway.”
“I thought we weren’t going to talk about this today,” she says, as her hands caress my face and she gazes at me. “We should just let this day progress. We do have time together. No need to hurry anything up.”
“I’ve been playing games with you,” I admit.
“And I am aware of them,” she says.
It surprises me a little, not a lot, though. I had a feeling she was playing me, as well. “You and I are kind of great together. Don’t you think so?”
“I do,” she says, then pulls me down to kiss her.
I’m not normal when I’m with her. I’m this young guy who’s falling in love—a thing I’ve never felt. I thought I knew what love was. I had a high school girlfriend and a couple in college. We exchanged I love you’s, but I had no idea what love really was. I know that now because I have rivers of emotions that are running through me. This has never happened to me before.
I wonder how many Doms actually do fall in love with their subs. I wonder if it happens more than any of the club members say it does. Or do they not talk about it because of how things have ended up for them?
They are all still at the club. Still seeking more. Still taking on new subs. If any of them had found what I have, would they still be there?
Or have I really found love?
I did tell Petra not to take anything personally. Could she be faking this? Could she not be taking me for my word?
Pulling my mouth away, I ask, “Petra, are you being real with me?”
She nods and smiles. “Of course I am.”
“No,” I say as I shake my head and pull her to sit up. “I told you not to take any of this personally.”
“And I’m not,” she says, confirming my fears.
She’s just pretending!
Getting up, I begin to pace back and forth and notice the scowl on her face. I have no idea why she’s looking at me like that or why she’s getting up to stop me from moving as her hands touch my shoulders.
“Owen, can you just speak plainly to me? I’m not sure what’s going on inside of your head right now. I do know I don’t like the turn that you’ve taken.”
“I’m being real with you, and you think I’m pretending. I know I told you not to take things personally. That was before things changed. Before I asked you if we could keep doing this.”
“And you know I don’t want to keep doing this,” she says. “The things I signed up for. The thing that will keep you above me and in control of me. I can’t allow that.”
“But you do care for me?” I ask, because I have to know. I take her by the shoulders and hold them tight. “The truth, Petra. Whether it will hurt me or not. I want the truth. Not what the contract says. Right now, you aren’t my sub.”
She looks at me with a gleam in her dark eyes. Eyes that I could look into forever. Eyes that I want to look into forever. Deep chocolate pools of sheer beauty are what they are. The woman is holding my heart in her hands, and she doesn’t seem to know it.
“You want the truth?” she asks. “Owen, I’m unsure if you’re having your fantasy or if this is real. I’m living in this moment with you. But I have no idea if it’s real or just real for right now. Do you even know?”
She’s hit me with her question. Do I even know if I’m living a fantasy or if these are real feelings? Do I know the difference between love and lust? Do I know myself well enough to make the kind of commitment I want to make to her? Should I slow the fuck down? Should I keep my words to myself?
Her hand trails over my shoulder as she looks me over. My body has been built out of what was once mostly fat. My mind was sculpted by professors and other doctors. My heart has been molded by a couple of parents who have no idea what love really is. And here I stand in front of a perfect woman and have the audacity to think that any of this is real.
This is just a fantasy, nothing more than that!
I’m not capable of anything more than that. I have no idea how to love anyone. And Petra deserves a love that’s real.
Taking her hand, I lead her back to the car. “Let’s forget about all of this. I want to take you shopping. What do you say to a bunch of new clothes? I want to send you back to college looking the part of a schoolteacher. If that’s what you want.”
She trails along behind me. Birds chirp overhead, the sun filters through the tall trees, and I hold her hand. A hand that feels right in mine. A hand that I’m going to miss when she goes back to Ohio and I go back to L.A.
I’ll most likely never see her again after this is over. This is just a fantasy that we’re living right now. Funny how I never got caught up like this before. Funny how things happen like that.
“Owen?” she says, as she pulls me to a stop.
I turn around and see tears are leaving trails down her cheeks. “Why in the world are you crying?”
“Because I thought something was about to happen back there and it’s breaking my heart that it stopped. This isn’t a fantasy in my head. If you think that, then I want you to know that’s not the case. Everything I feel for you is one hundred percent real. I’m not some phony girl. And I’d love it if you’d tell me your real feelings.”
Staring at her, I have to wonder if I can say it now. None of this feels like reality to me. But then again, I work on a reality show that doesn’t feel real to me, either.
Petra
When his eyes go narrow, I feel a chill run through me as he walks away from me, getting into the driver’s seat. “Petra, who are you to put me on the spot like that?” He gets into the car, and I stand perfectly still, frozen by his harsh words.
Sure, I’ve had worse things said to me, but what he just said cut me to the core. “Who am I?” I ask him.
He closes the door and looks straight ahead as he starts the car. I turn around and begin to walk away. He might own me for the rest of the summer, but that doesn’t mean I have to get into a car wi
th him. Not after his abrupt change in attitude!
I hear the sound of the window going down. “Petra, get in this car.”
I keep walking. Fuck him!
Tires squeal and the engine revs up, and then he’s gone. I turn around in disbelief. He’s left me!
My heart pounds as I think about what I should do. I don’t have one thing with me. No purse, no cell phone, nothing!
I watch as he takes a left turn. Then I’m really alone in this park, somewhere in Portland. Now I’m rethinking the whole not-getting-into- the-car with him thing. It seems like I made kind of a rash decision.
“Don’t I know you?” comes a high-pitched male voice.
I turn around and see a short guy with a long, dark mustache looking at me. He’s squinting, then pulls a pair of glasses out of the pocket of his short-sleeve, white, button-down shirt. When he puts them on, they make his light blue eyes appear huge. When he pulls, his baseball cap off so he can see me even better, I find he has wisps of dark hair on an otherwise bald head. He seems to realize he’s showing more of himself than he intended and puts it back on as pink fills his round face.
“Sir, I’m not from around here,” I say, as he looks me up and down. “So it’s impossible that you know me.” I turn to walk away, still unsure of where the hell I’m going.
Quickly, he comes up next to me, matching my quick pace. “No, I’ve seen you somewhere.” His small hand touches my arm, and I stop and look at it, then at him. “Do you know of a place called The Dungeon of Decorum?”
I go numb. I can’t seem to make words come out of my mouth. The odd little man knows me from the BDSM club, and I’m suddenly very apprehensive. “I belong to someone.”
“Yes, I know,” he says, then looks around. “And where is your Dom?”
Not sure what to say, I say nothing at all. Taking off again, I try my best to leave him behind me. He should know better than to bother another man’s sub, after all.
I’m taken aback as he grabs my arm and spins me around. He may be small, but he’s strong! “Hey!”
“I’m sorry,” he says as he puts his glasses back into his pocket. “It’s just that you shouldn’t be out here all alone. Have you run away? Was your Dom mean, or did he hurt you?”
“No,” I say, as I look around and pray that Owen will come back for me. “You should really leave me alone. I don’t know what my Dom will do to you if he catches your hands on me.”
He releases the tight grip he had on me and nods. “You’re right. But where is he?”
I don’t want to let him in on anything, so I shrug. “He had something to do and left me here to wait for him.”
“You didn’t look like you were waiting. You looked like you were about to cry. I bid on you. Did he tell you that?” he asks me, as he shifts his weight from one foot to another.
“Um,” I hesitate to say anything to the little man who is eyeing me like crazy. “I need to be alone, sir.”
“Chance,” he says. “My name is Chance, and I wanted you from the moment I saw you on the club’s website. I had interesting ideas for the two of us. I didn’t end up winning any of my bids at the auction. If your Dom isn’t interested enough in you to keep you safe, then he might be into making me a little deal for some of your time. I think I’ll wait with you for him and see what he says about lending you to me when he has no use for you.”
And now I’m pissed, as he’s talking about me as if I’m nothing more than a toy for the club members to play with! “Now, you listen to me, pipsqueak! I’m not about to be loaned out, like someone’s possession. My Dom and I are quite happy together. He’d never allow another man to touch me.”
“I can handle that. I have gadgets that would keep my hands off you,” he adds, as if that helps at all. “I’m into medical play. What kinds of kinks does your Dom have?”
So, it’s this guy who wanted the medical play!
Thank God I put hard limits on most of that stuff.
“That is none of your business.” I stop what was about to be a verbal assault on the little prick as I hear the sound of the Maserati coming down the street. When I spin around, I see the steely gray of the machine as it speeds up.
Owen sees the man talking to me, and I think this guy should run. “Is this him now?” the fool asks. “I’ll just run my idea by him.”
“You should haul ass,” I warn him. “He’s going to be mad.”
I watch a sly grin form on his thin lips. “Maybe at you.”
My mouth gapes open as I hear Owen shouting, “Get your ass in the car, sub!”
I hurry to do as he’s says and find him making long strides toward poor little Chance, who’s too dumb to follow my warning. Not looking at Owen as I run past him, I head to the car and get inside.
The two men exchange words that look to be heated. The smaller man seems like an idiot as he stands up to Owen. Then I see Owen’s face as he looks back at me with a desperate expression on his handsome face. Then he turns back to Chance and the two shake hands.
Waiting for Owen to return, I find myself worried about that handshake. His face is ashen as he gets back into the car. “Fuck!”
“What?” I ask as he takes off.
“He knows who I am.”
I sit in silence as that sinks in. Owen will lend me to the little troll. I know he will. If that man is stooping to blackmail, then Owen has no choice but to give into his demands.
“This is my fault,” I say as I look at the floor.
“No, it’s mine. I shouldn’t have left you where anyone could get to you.” His knuckles are white as he grips the steering wheel. “He wants to borrow you for at least a few of what he’s calling ‘sessions.’”
“Owen,” I say, then gulp. “I don’t want to, but I’ll do what he wants if it means he’ll keep your secret.”
He pulls to the side of the road and looks at me with sad eyes. “I’ll never allow that to happen.”
“I can’t sit idly by and let him out you to the world. I know it’s your biggest fear. I won’t let anyone hurt you like that.” I reach over and take his hand and rub the back of it against my cheek. “I was wrong for trying to make you say the words to me first. I was wrong for baiting you, Owen. The fact is, I love you. I won’t allow anyone to hurt you. Not ever. I’ll go to the man and do as he wants. I can do that for you.”
Owen’s eyes twinkle as he stares into mine. “You love me?”
With a nod, I say it again. “I love you, Owen Cantrell. And I’ll do everything I can to keep your secret safe.”
His lower lip quivers and I see the emotion as it overwhelms him. Tears pool in his eyes. Then he drops his head. “No one has ever made me feel the way you do, Petra. I’ve heard those words hundreds of times, but no one has ever made me feel the love that you do. You’d go through torture for me. That’s more than anyone should even ask of someone they love.”
“I’d do it for you. I mean, I’ll do it for you,” I say, then shake my head to clear it. “Wait! Did you just say that you love me, in a roundabout way?”
When he raises his head to look at me, tears fall down his whiskered cheeks. “I love you, Petra Bakari.”
Reaching over to take his handsome face between my palms, I kiss him. The salt from his tears make my heart pound and ache for the man. I have to protect him. No matter what the cost to my body, I have to keep his secret!
Just as our mouths part, our eyes meet. “So, we love each other. Now what?”
“Now, we figure out how to get that little insect off my ass, without you having to do the things he wants you to. You see, he told me about what he wants to do to you. While we were in the bidder’s booth, he was quite honest about his kinks.”
“Okay,” I say with a sigh. “Give it to me straight. What kinds of things would he do to me?”
“First, know this,” he says, as he cups my chin and runs his thumb over my lips. “Neither that man, nor any other man, will ever lay a finger on you.”
“Owen …
”
“No,” he stops me. “I love you, Petra. I’ll never allow another man to touch you. If my secret comes out, then it comes out.”
“No!”
“Yes,” he says, as he leans over and kisses my cheek. “That’s my problem to deal with. I never meant for you to think you’d have to do a thing with that man. I merely was upset and trying my hardest to think about what I can do.”
“You can lend me to him, Owen,” I say with a smile. “My hard limits are set. He can’t do anything more than take my blood pressure and check my reflexes.”
“You’ve set no hard limit on fucking you, baby.” Owen’s fingers travel over my neck and down to my collarbone. “That’s what he wants. He knows he can’t do the things he really wants to unless he can pleasure you so much, you’ll change your limits.”
“Does that fool think he can screw me into submitting to him?”
He nods, and I laugh. Then he says, “I’ll come up with something. Don’t worry.” He pulls away from the curb and back onto the street.
“Owen, I really will do anything for you. Please let me help you if you need it. Promise me.”
With a sideways glance, he lets me know, “I’m a man, Petra. You’re the first person who’s ever loved me for me. You’re the first person that knows what my kink is and has accepted me as I am. I’m not about to hand you over to anyone. If it means I lose the show and my practice, then so be it. As long as I have you, that’s all I need.”
Owen
Lying in the hotel bed, I hold Petra in my arms as she sleeps. My head is a mess. I’m both afraid and unafraid by everything at this moment. I love her, and that alone gives me strength I wasn’t aware I had residing inside of me.
Her lips press against my chest as she moves. Her velvety skin flows over mine as she lifts herself up and blinks at me. “Are you still awake?”
I nod and kiss her forehead. “Go back to sleep, baby.”
Doctor's Demands: A Submissives’ Secrets Novel Page 12
