by S. Nelson
I took his words to heart, as I always did, even when I didn’t want to. And he was right. Not about me deserving to be happy, because I continued to struggle with that every moment, but I believed the time had come for me to start to move on. Not forget, because that would never happen, but I needed to forge ahead if I ever wanted to rid myself of the constant sorrow. Sorrow that had held me captive for too long, and it wasn’t until I met Quinn that I started to see some semblance of the man I used to be.
Of the man I wanted to someday be again.
19
Quinn
“Do you think he ghosted you?” Avery asked, popping a grape in her mouth while we walked through the grocery store aisle.
“I don’t know. He’s the one who said he wanted to see me again. Why insist on picking me up to take me to get my car when I could’ve just called an Uber, and taking me to eat, if he wasn’t intending to call me?”
“Guys are weird. Especially the quiet ones. I’m telling you there is something off about him, sis. He’s gorgeous but looks alone won’t cut it. He’s secretive for a reason.” She plucked another green grape from the bunch and slid it between her lips. “Maybe he’s a serial killer.”
“Nope. I already asked him if he was and he said no.”
My sister stopped walking and looked at me. “Are you serious?”
“Yeah. We were kidding around.”
“I was only half joking. Now I don’t know what to think,” she retorted, winking before continuing to scour the shelves for her favorite peanut butter crackers.
“He’s not a killer. But I do agree that he’s reserved.”
“That’s an understatement.” Reaching up to the top shelf, she snatched the snack she’d been looking for. “Either way, I’m not sure what his deal is.”
“And he hasn’t been to Murray’s since Saturday?”
“No. And that’s not like him to miss three nights in a row.” Tossing a bag of sour cream and onion chips into our cart, she walked backward so she could see my face. Wiggling her brows, she added, “Today is hump day, so maybe he’s waiting to text you, you know, see if you’re down for a little fun.”
“Is that all you think about?”
“Um… yeah. And sex should consume your thoughts too. We’re both single. We should be out there having fun.”
“I agree with that statement for one of us, and it’s not me.” Avery scrunched her face, apparently annoyed with my response. “I just got out of a long-term relationship. I’m not looking to jump back into one.”
“Why do you think there’s only that option? Why can’t you date without commitment?”
“Because I’m not that type of person. More power to those who enjoy it, but it’s just not me.”
“And that’s your problem.” My vibrating cell pulled my focus from our conversation. “Is that Nolan?” she asked as I looked at the screen. Avery’s eyes widened at the prospect, even though she’d made her opinion known where he was concerned.
“Todd.” I swiped the Reject button before tucking it back into my jeans. “I need to answer one of these days, if only to tell him he needs to stop contacting me. Nolan says by me never responding, I’m probably giving him false hope.”
“Nolan says? You talked to him about your ex already?”
“I couldn’t avoid it. Todd kept texting and calling me while we were sitting at the bar chatting on Saturday.”
Avery pointed at me. “This is exactly why I don’t do boyfriends. Too much shit that goes along with it when the relationship tanks.”
“It doesn’t always tank,” I defended, even though I held no justification to back up my response.
“Oh yeah? Have you ever been in a relationship that hasn’t ended?” She barely waited for me to take a breath before she continued. “Exactly.”
“How are you so cynical for such a young person?”
“You say cynical, I say realistic.”
My phone buzzed once more, but I ignored it, needing to finish up our shopping and get back home so I could wind down before bed. I had a long day tomorrow with three home visits and a court case.
I lost myself to the warm spray of the shower, thinking about Nolan while the suds of my bodywash lathered over my skin. Hating fantasizing about a man who hadn’t so much as sent me a text just to say hello over the past few days, I tried to push his image from my mind, but he lingered, his soulful eyes tempting me, taunting me. Had he thought about me at all since we last saw each other?
After I finished washing up, I dried off, brushed my teeth, and slipped on a pair of panties before crawling into bed. I always ran hot, so I couldn’t sleep in anything other than underwear. With my cell charging next to my bed, I tucked the covers under my chin and closed my eyes. Sure enough, Nolan’s face popped into my head again.
How I longed to trace the curve of his lips with my tongue, experiencing firsthand how soft they were. I pictured his hands roaming over my entire body, wanting him to be rough with me and demand everything I was willing to give. Just the thought of him turned me on. My skin warmed. My nipples hardened to perfect peaks. I imagined his head between my aching thighs, teasing me with his mouth, his fingers, then rubbing the tip of his…
My cell bounced on the top of my nightstand, the sound startling me. I reached for it but ended up knocking it to the ground, and as I retrieved it, my head hit the corner of the small wooden table when I came back up. “Fuck,” I grunted, rubbing the affected area. Unknown caller flashed across the screen, and for a second, I thought Todd was calling from a different number, but I dismissed that option as he had never done so before. It could be a telemarketer, but I didn’t believe they were allowed to call after a certain hour, and seeing as how it was ten in the evening, I dismissed that option as well.
“Hello?” My greeting sounding like a grunt, even though I tried to disguise it.
“Hi. It’s Nolan. Is it too late to be calling?”
“No.” I was so happy to hear from him, I didn’t care what time it was.
“Are you okay?”
“I’m fine. My phone fell on the floor and I hit my head on my nightstand after I grabbed it.”
“I’m sorry.”
“It’s not your fault.” It was kind of his fault since it was his call that made my cell fall in the first place.
“What are you doing?”
“I’m in bed.”
There was a slight pause before he breathed life into his next question. “Do you want me to call you tomorrow instead?” I didn’t know if he was going to stick to his offer, so I preferred to keep him on the line.
“No, that’s okay. I wasn’t sleeping or anything.”
“Were your eyes closed?” There was a hint of delight in his tone, and I smiled.
“Yes,” I answered honestly. “But it’s really okay. I’m not tired yet, so I can talk if you want.”
“Okay.” Another brief pause. “I’m sorry I haven’t called sooner, but I was working double shifts, and this is the first time I’ve had the opportunity to reach out.”
“I assumed you were busy.” I wasn’t about to reveal that I thought he’d blown me off.
“I was, but I didn’t want you to think I forgot about you.”
“How could you forget about me?” I teased.
“Exactly.” His voice dropped with the retort, and a wash of warmth rippled through me. “I haven’t done this in a long time, so I apologize.”
“Done what? Talked on the phone?”
“Yeah. I mean, no. I’ve talked on the phone plenty.” He chuckled, his amusement a touch awkward yet endearing. “What I meant was I haven’t called a woman I’ve been interested in for quite some time.”
“You’re interested in me?” I played coy, although I supposed it was moot as I was aware he liked me. Or at least I hoped he did and wasn’t just looking for a quick hookup.
“More than I want to be.”
“Okay,” I responded, drawing out the word.
�
�That’s not what I meant. Maybe I should just hang up. I now see the appeal in texting instead of calling. My brother told me to start there, but I didn’t listen because so much can be misconstrued in text.”
There were a few things I could’ve focused on from what he said, but I chose the one concerning his brother. “You talked to your brother about me?”
“Damnit. I’m hanging up now.” Had it not been for his short burst of laughter, I would’ve expected the line to go dead.
“I’m just teasing you. You’re doing good. Trust me, I get it. I haven’t done this in a while, either.”
“It’s only been a few months for you. It’s been years for me.” That tidbit of information had me wanting more.
“Well, then you’re doing even better than I thought.”
“Thanks.”
Our conversation was riddled with short pauses, but I found them comforting because they meant we shared a similar awkwardness.
“So, what are you doing right now? What are you wearing?” I slapped my forehead in embarrassment. “That’s… that’s not what I meant. I was attempting to ask if you were headed out or in your pajamas… if you wear pajamas… oh God. Maybe I should hang up.”
The richness of his laughter caressed my ear. “No, it’s refreshing to know you’re not good at this either.”
“Thanks. I think.”
“To answer your question, I’m in for the night, as I’m only wearing a pair of sweatpants.” I couldn’t help but picture his naked chest, and even though I’d never seen it, I could imagine he was quite the sight. “Knowing you’re in bed, I’m not going to be pervy and ask what you’re wearing, in case that’s what you thought my next words would be.”
“Good to know.” I quickly teetered between telling him I was only in a pair of pink cotton panties and keeping that information to myself. He froze up when I kissed him, leaving me to believe he wouldn’t react well to me telling him I was practically naked. He might run screaming for the hills at my forwardness.
Nolan cleared his throat, then did it again. “Um… there is something I wanted to ask you.”
“What’s that?”
“Before either of us invest any more time into whatever this is, I wanted to know if me being nine years older than you is an issue? Is that too much of an age gap? I know we touched on this briefly the other night at the bar, and you asked me if you were too young for me. We changed the subject before I answered. Did you ask because you might think I’m too old for you?”
“Not at all. My ex was six years older than me. Apparently, I like older guys.”
“It seems so.” I couldn’t tell by his response if he was bothered by my comment.
“Anything else you want to ask me?”
“Just if you’re free for dinner on Friday night.” I guess he’s not bothered.
“I’m wide open.”
“Great. I’ll pick you up around seven. Does that time work?”
“Can’t wait.” I smiled so big if Avery walked into my bedroom right now, she’d think I was on something. The anticipation of seeing Nolan again thrilled me, and after we hung up, all I could do was sigh in happiness as I closed my eyes, counting down the hours until he showed up on my doorstep.
20
Nolan
Finishing up my paperwork for the day’s calls, I leaned back in my chair and stared up at the ceiling. Instead of thinking about the drunk and disorderly man I brought in a few hours ago, or the accident I responded to where thankfully no one was seriously injured, or the robbery at a small grocery store, Quinn’s beautiful face popped in. I took a risk by not reaching out sooner, but I wasn’t sure if I was ready to proceed with whatever was happening between us. I hadn’t lied to her when I told her I’d been busy with work, because that was absolutely true, but I could’ve found a few minutes to call.
As I put my things away, Cooper and Griggs walked in. They were next on shift, sauntering toward me, engaged in conversation. They stopped briefly to give me a nod, a silent pleasantry I quickly returned. Both men were new, only having been assigned to our precinct in the past six months. I overheard their discussions on many occasions but never interjected. That wasn’t anything out of the ordinary for me, however, because over the past few years I’d become known as a loner, someone who only interacted with the other guys when necessary.
Brody Griggs was twenty-eight, newly married, and had a baby on the way. Andy Cooper was thirty, unattached, and often bragged about how many women he went through, claiming the uniform was a turn-on for the ladies.
“Holy shit.” Cooper chuckled. “Could that be a smile on Bennett’s face?” It took me a second to realize he was talking about me, unaware I wore any type of expression at all.
“Don’t look directly at him,” Griggs added, looking at me as they passed. “He’ll vanish into thin air.”
“Very funny.” My response startled them, as it did me.
“And he talks?” I wasn’t sure which one of them uttered that little gem because they both laughed, their surprise at our insignificant exchange sure to be shared among some of the other guys. Normally, I’d be irritated but the only emotion rolling through me was anxiousness about my upcoming date with Quinn.
Before anyone else from the shift change came into the squad room, I grabbed my keys and headed out, eager to get home, shower, and figure out what I was going to wear, something I hadn’t put much effort into at all in recent years, other than making sure I was clean. T-shirt and jeans were what I wore outside of donning my assigned blue uniform. I didn’t even know if I had anything else in my closet, and if that was the case, I’d have to call Will and ask him to bring me something to wear, hoping he wouldn’t say anything that would make me even more nervous. Was I thinking too much about this?
Two minutes after I pulled onto the highway, Will called, and like I’d been doing the past several times he contacted me, I answered quickly.
“Hey, brother. What are you up to?”
“Heading home to get changed.”
“You going to Murray’s?”
“No.” I hesitated before telling him about my plans. Not because I wanted to hide anything from him, but once he knew I was going out with Quinn, it made it all too real, and I wasn’t sure how to handle anything that followed the admission. I knew it was weird and didn’t make much sense, but my emotions jumbled with my thoughts to form a catastrophe waiting to implode. If I focused on one step at a time, it was much easier for me.
“Are you going to let me in on where you’re going?” Again, I stalled before answering. “Nolan? You still there?”
“Yeah, I’m here.”
“Why so secretive? Why don’t you want to…” His words trailed off, and now it was his turn to provide the brief silence. “Wait, are you going out with Quinn?”
The words rushed from my mouth in response. “Yes, and please don’t make a big deal out of it.”
“I won’t.” If I were there with him, I’d see his hands in the air in a gesture of surrender. “Just have fun and call me tomorrow when you get home.”
“I’ll be home tonight.”
“Let’s hope not.” He laughed before hanging up on me, and instead of dwelling on his comment, I focused on the upcoming evening.
Had I thought about sleeping with Quinn? Of course, even though I was an emotional mess of a man, I was still just that… a man.
But after I froze up when she kissed me, I wasn’t sure I wouldn’t freeze up again if the opportunity presented itself. I swore I felt like a chick with how much I was overthinking shit, but the reality was, I liked her.
Like I mentioned to Will, I liked her a lot.
I’d stopped planning for the future a long time ago, so it felt foreign for me to even think ahead about what would happen after tonight.
So, I didn’t.
I focused on getting my ass in the shower, getting dressed, then heading back out to pick her up.
Tiny steps were what would get me through.
21
Quinn
“What time is he going to be here?”
Avery was sprawled on my bed, flipping through a tabloid magazine, not a care in the world. Then again, she wasn’t the one who was nervous, waiting for a guy to show up at the door any minute now.
“If he’s on time, ten minutes.”
“If you mess with your hair anymore, you’re going to ruin it. The waves are going to flatten. Leave it alone.” I halted my hand in midair, allowing my arm to drift back down to my side. “You look great. Stop fussing.”
“Are you sure?” I turned to fully face her. “You don’t think this dress is too suggestive?”
“It’s my dress. Of course, it’s suggestive.”
“Come on. Be serious.” My eyes traveled toward the bedside clock. Eight minutes to go. “Is it too much for a first date?”
“Technically, this is your third date, second if you’re not counting Murray’s.” She waved her hand in the air to dismiss whatever it was I was about to say. “You look sexy. Beautiful. It’s not too much. It’ll definitely help you get laid,” she mumbled, closing the magazine and tossing it to the foot of the bed.
“Avery!”
“I’m kidding, kind of.”
“That’s it, I’m changing.”
She hopped up and was in front of me before I could blink. “No, you’re not. You look amazing. And he’s going to bust a nut when he sees you.”
“I don’t want him to bust a nut.” I cocked my head. “Not at first anyway.”
“There’s my sister. I told you that you should get out there and have some fun.”
I rolled my eyes, then turned away from her, staring at myself in the oval full-length mirror. Avery’s black dress fit me perfectly, hitting a few inches above my knees, and although it plunged lower in the front than I typically wore, showing off more cleavage than I was used to, I had to admit I looked good. The material in the back dipped down to right above my bra strap, in perfect harmony with the front. Because the outfit was enough, I kept my makeup to a minimum, smoking out my eyes just enough to draw attention to them.
