Driving Me Mad
a Sanity Series novel
Copyright © 2016 by Lindsay Paige
All rights reserved.
Without limiting the rights under copyright reserved above, no part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form, or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise) without the prior written permission of both the copyright owner and the above publisher of this book.
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, brands, media, and incidents are either the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. The author acknowledges the trademarked status and trademark owners of various products, bands, and/or restaurants referenced in this work of fiction, which have been used without permission. The publication/use of these trademarks is not authorized, associated with, or sponsored by the trademark owners.
License Notes
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Title Page
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten
Chapter Eleven
Chapter Twelve
Chapter Thirteen
Chapter Fourteen
Chapter Fifteen
Chapter Sixteen
Chapter Seventeen
Chapter Eighteen
Chapter Nineteen
Chapter Twenty
Chapter Twenty-One
Chapter Twenty-Two
Chapter Twenty-Three
Chapter Twenty-Four
Chapter Twenty-Five
Chapter Twenty-Six
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Chapter Twenty-Nine
A Note from the Author
Acknowledgements
About the Author
Coming Soon
My stomach heaves, the wretched sound of vomit falling into the toilet echoes in the air as my hands grip the seat. Rebecca, my best friend and roommate, is holding my hair and rubbing my back. I hate this. High school was supposed to be the end of my anxiety and panic attacks. College was supposed to be better. It was not supposed to bring my anxiety back and make it worse than ever before. Maybe I should be grateful that I was able to maintain it for three and a half years. I should be, but I’m not.
I rest my head on my hand, waiting to see if another wave will hit me.
“You should see someone,” Rebecca says softly. “It’s becoming uncontrollable.” And that’s saying something for the girl who doesn’t understand what it’s like, but is still there for me. “Maybe call your old therapist and make an appointment?”
What she doesn’t know is that I’ve kept in contact with my former therapist, Trace Lexington. During the past three and a half years, he sends a text at random times, asking how I’m doing. We’ll text on and off for a few days and then I won’t hear from him for a while. I’ve been having a rough day for the past month. I could really use a text from him.
“Maybe,” I tell her, though the possibility of an appointment with him is unlikely. I don’t want to see a therapist again, and certainly not Trace. I’m comfortable with him, but I don’t know. He feels like more than simply the professional I saw for all four years of high school. We sort of became friends, especially since I stopped seeing him when I left for a university five hours away from home. What would he think of me now? Hunched over a toilet, my hands trembling, clearly showing my anxiety. My stomach clenches again, and I squeeze my eyes closed. I don’t know how much more vomiting I can take.
“I think I’m done.” I slowly stand, knowing if I move too fast, the nausea will return. I rinse my mouth out before brushing my teeth.
“He would take a phone session, right? Or, what about a counselor here on campus?”
Thankfully, there’s a toothbrush in my mouth, and I refuse to talk until I’m done. This is one of those things that Rebecca doesn’t understand. I don’t want to see a therapist again. I had this under control, which is why we felt comfortable ending my sessions completely when I moved away for college. Things were fine my first three years here. Why has it returned for my last semester? My anxiety has been slowly trickling back into my system like a slow-acting poison since the summer started, but with the start of my last semester, it’s been back in full force. I’ve lost every ounce of control I worked so hard to gather and maintain.
I spit and rinse again.
“Well?” Rebecca asks, following me back into our dorm room.
“I don’t know, Bec,” I sigh, sitting down on my twin bed.
She takes a seat on hers, criss-crossing her legs. “If you’ve seen one before, what’s the difference in seeing one again?”
I drop my head, squeezing my wrist repeatedly, one of my nervous habits. “There’s a difference.” That’s all I say.
I don’t want to admit how I’ve failed. How I’ve failed with my anxiety and how I’m failing my senior year. Today’s attack was brought on by making yet another freaking C on a paper. I’ve never made anything below a B my entire life and this semester alone, I’ve gotten five C’s. Five! How am I going to graduate on time if I fail this semester? Because I feel like that’s going to happen.
My weekly phone calls with my parents don’t help either. Their intentions are good, and I know they don’t mean to stress me out further, but they are. I’ve never been so stressed in my life. My parents have always instilled in me the desire to do my absolute best, to be my absolute best, and to give it my all the first go-around, not on the second chance.
I’m a perfectionist. I hate it because it’s part of my problem with anxiety. Trace and I used to talk about it a lot. He’ll even bring it up some when we text. Up until now, I’ve done well. Maybe I could text him and see if he can call me later. Just see if I can talk to him. We talked over the phone some last year when I had a few spells with my anxiety. He’s always been able to calm me.
“Brittany,” Rebecca repeats. I lift my head. “Are you still with me?”
“Yeah, I am.” My eyes flick to the alarm clock. “I need to get to class.”
She nods. I grab my bag and cell phone and leave for class. In an attempt to calm myself, I allow my mind to wander to Trace. He’s fantastic. He helped me when my parents were at a loss as to how. He helped me gain control of my anxiety. He helped me conquer it and my other small issues that made my anxiety worse. He was understanding when I battled depression on top of my anxiety. He was my life saver. There’s no telling what would have happened to me if my parents hadn’t made me an appointment with him.
Plus, he isn’t too bad on the eyes.
He’d probably be disappointed in me now. With a setback like this, how could he not be? I am. On my walk across campus, I make the hasty decision to call him.
Ring.
Ring.
Ring.
Ring.
“The caller you are trying to reach is unavailable.”
The air is knocked out of my lungs as the call goes to voicemail, and I hang up without leaving a message.
My disappointment shouldn’t be so
deep and vast. It’s the beginning of a workday. Of course he’s not going to answer. A part of me was still hoping he would, though. I start moving my feet again, not realizing I had stopped in the first place. Numb, I finish the walk to my class. Crap. My eyes quickly analyze my reflection in the glass of the door before I open it.
I’ve never looked this bad before. I’ve lost twenty pounds, and I only had ten available to lose. Anything I do manage to eat, I throw it back up in the morning. There are dark bags under my eyes from getting about two hours of sleep a night. Maybe I should seek out a counselor on campus. I can’t deny things are bad.
My denial is that they’re bad enough to need to see one again.
With a sigh, I open the door. My phone vibrates in my hand from a text. A sigh of relief leaves me at seeing Trace’s name.
Trace: Hey, busy day for me, but I’ll call you soon, okay? Hope everything is okay.
I quickly text him back.
Me: Not okay. I’ll be waiting.
Already, I feel a smidgen better knowing I’ll talk to Trace soon. Now, I just need to survive the day. Throughout my class, I take rigorous notes. I write twice as many as the other students; you never know when something small the professor says might be the one thing you need. I also have a tape recorder for anything I might have missed, for me to jot down later.
Despite my panic attacks, I love college. The social atmosphere is great, I’ve made friends, and there’s always a good time waiting around the corner. I even love the academic part of it, if only it wasn’t causing me so much trouble.
When I make it back to my dorm for the day, I arrive before my best friend. I decide to get started on some work and try not to repeatedly glance at my phone, waiting for it to light up with a call from Trace. I need him so badly right now. Our texting has been more consistent this past year, and part of my anxiety is because I haven’t heard from him in the last month.
Did I do something wrong to upset him? Is he having a tough time right now, too? Trace is such a great therapist and friend because he gets it. He’s told me before how he deals with depression himself. He doesn’t talk about it often, but if mentioning his ordeal can help me, then he will. Last we talked, he was struggling a little. He said he was managing, though. But what if he isn’t and that’s why I haven’t heard from him?
“We need a girls’ night,” Rebecca declares as she bursts into the room, her eyes finding me hovering over my textbook. “You need a break and we haven’t gone out in ages.”
“We went to a party last weekend!” I defend. Mostly because I don’t want to go anywhere tonight.
“You need this,” she says slowly. “You’ve been more stressed than usual. We’ll go out, have some fun, and be back in time for you to redo your paper again.” She rolls her eyes, her way of poking fun at me. When I don’t answer her right away, she adds, “Going to that party last week helped a little, right?”
She has a point. It did help take my mind off things for a while, but I’m not going to tell her that.
Rebecca delivers her final blow. “Unless you’re calling the grinch, then get your ass up and get ready.”
I huff. She’s backed me into a corner. When I first explained my anxiety and depression to Rebecca, she was the perfect, attentive, trying-to-be-understanding friend. When she saw me go through my first out-of-control panic attack before Christmas break my sophomore semester when I couldn’t hide my turmoil, she felt bad. She dragged me out when I didn’t feel like going. Ever since, she came up with a code word of sorts. If things feel bad enough that I want her to leave me be, I can “call the grinch” and she’ll give me twenty-four hours before trying to cheer me up in her own little way again.
“Fine. We’ll go,” I concede. Trace hasn’t called me yet anyway. This will help distract me from that.
An hour later, Rebecca is dragging me to a club not too far from campus. The place is crowded, on par for a Thursday night in a college town. The bass reverberates against the walls, almost making me want to close my eyes and focus on the vibrations in my body. Instead, Rebecca pulls me straight to the dance floor and begins dancing with me.
It only takes seven minutes before someone wants to dance with her. I take the opportunity to head to the bar for a drink. Water, of course. It didn’t take long after turning twenty-one to realize that the label on my medication was a serious warning. It’s something I don’t want to experience ever again. While I wait for the bartender to bring me a glass, I check my phone.
One missed call from Trace.
Rebecca would kill me if I stepped outside to call him. Plus, it would be a long phone call. A bar stool becomes available, so I take a seat.
Me: Rebecca dragged me to a club. Phone call may have to wait until tomorrow :(
Trace: That’s okay. I’m here, even if you want to call late tonight…I still can’t picture you in a club.
Me: Haha, it’s okay. Rebecca likes them and we have fun dancing together, so I come when she manages to make me.
Trace: Glad she gets you out. Can I have a short update please? You have me worried, Britt.
I’ve never even heard him call me Britt before, and yet my heart still pitter-patters when I see him text it.
Me: YOU have ME worried. I haven’t heard from you in forever.
Trace: I know, and I’m sorry. Just been busy. My update is long, so I’ll wait until we can talk over the phone.
Maybe it’s the miscommunication that comes with texting, but his message feels ominous. It only heightens my worries.
Me: But are you doing okay?
Trace: Yes. Are you?
His short answer doesn’t convince me.
Me: I’m okay.
“Put the phone away and come dance.” Rebecca plucks my phone from my hands and drops it into her purse. She holds out her hand expectantly. I sigh, but I take it.
My morning starts off just as crappy as yesterday. I wish I could call the grinch and not go to class. I am able to force myself out of bed, though. I feel like a numb zombie throughout my morning classes. My thoughts revolve around wishing I could talk to Trace already and wishing I could crawl into bed and pull the covers up over my head.
Afterward, I make an impulsive decision. My first semester here, Trace made me promise to locate the counselors’ offices, just in case. I have an hour and a half before my last class, so I begin my walk across campus.
Five minutes later, I’m pushing open the door. An elderly lady is sitting at the receptionist’s desk.
“Can I help you?”
“Is there a counselor available?” I absentmindedly squeeze my left wrist.
“I believe so. Second door on the right; he should be free.”
“Thanks.” I give her a small smile before going to the correct door down the hallway. I knock, hear a muffled ‘come in’, and step inside the office. At first, all I see is a giant of a man. Probably 6’5” with broad shoulders that give him a wide frame. His dirty blond hair looks to be a mess and when he turns around from where he stands at a filing cabinet, I quietly inhale sharply. “Trace?”
The hazel eyes of my old therapist widen with surprise. “Brittany? Hey, how are you?” He surprises me by closing the distance between us and giving me a hug. I’ve never hugged him before; it would have been inappropriate. But now? My body immediately relaxes into his as I return his hug. It doesn’t feel weird or odd. It’s quite the opposite; an overwhelming sense of calm washes over me. All too soon, Trace pulls away. The five-second hug feels as if it lasted longer. He gives me a once-over, and he frowns. My shoulders sag. I look like crap, he knows it, and he’s standing here looking gorgeous.
“What are you doing here?” I ask.
“Have a seat.” He nods to the nearest chair and I sit down while he does the same, taking the empty chair next to me instead of sitting behind his desk. “Today is my second day. The opportunity came, I wanted a change, and I took it. I’ve been moving up here and getting settled in for the past few weeks, wh
ich is why I haven’t texted you. Things have been insane.”
Without thinking, my eyes fall to his left hand. The wedding ring that used to rest there has long since been removed, but this is the first time I’ve seen his ringless finger. He and his wife, Faith, divorced two years ago. I remember staring at the text message and feeling so bad for him, even though I had no clue why or who asked for it. When he was my therapist, Trace didn’t bring up his personal life a lot, but I had been seeing him for so long that sometimes it would trickle into our sessions, which is how I know his wife’s—ex-wife’s—name. Since then, I learned a little more about him with our texting, but not too much. He likes to walk the line between professional and friendly, I guess is the word for it.
“No wonder you said you were busy. Should I go? The receptionist said you were free.”
“I am. I was just getting a little more settled in here.” He looks around his office at his handiwork. It reminds me of his old office. Books line the shelves, his degrees are on the wall, and there’s even a plant in the corner. “How are you doing, Brittany? Not good if you’re here, and you look bad, too.” Trace frowns as he looks me over again.
“Thanks a lot, Trace,” I huff, folding my arms over my chest and leaning back into the chair.
“Hey, you know how it works with us. Complete honesty even if it hurts and we don’t want to hear it.”
“Yeah, but I already knew I looked bad. You didn’t have to tell me.”
He’s quiet, so I glance at him. “How bad?”
“Worse than ever. Do you have a minute?”
Trace nods. “Of course.”
“By ‘a minute’, I mean an hour.”
Driving Me Mad (Sanity Book 1) Page 1
