by Iris Morland
Finally, after the fifth profile, I said, “Enough. This is pointless.”
Henry deflated a little. Naoko rubbed his arm and whispered something into his ear. I had to admit, Henry’s attempt to play detective had distracted me almost enough to forget the nurse’s revelation earlier. But when silence fell, I was completely gobsmacked.
If Kate’s best friends didn’t know about her boyfriend, my hunch that she’d made him up just to make me jealous seemed to hold water.
Which meant that she could be pregnant with my baby.
When I was a kid, I went swimming in a river not far from my parents’ house. We’d been warned that the current in the river was faster than it seemed, but some of my friends had dared me to swim across it. Being all of seven, I’d thought I was invincible. I’d been able to swim about halfway when the current had caught at me. Soon I was tumbled underwater. It was only sheer luck that I’d been able to grab onto a nearby rock and avoid drowning.
My mam was still mad at me for that stunt, even decades later.
But that feeling, of the water closing in, my lungs desperate for air, was the same sensation I felt right now. Had a one-night stand really resulted in a pregnancy? But I’d worn a condom. Had it been old? I thought back to when I’d put it in my wallet and couldn’t remember. Wouldn’t I have noticed if I’d come inside her, though?
“We’re going back to see her. You want to come?” said Naoko quietly.
“I’ll wait.”
I didn’t want to have this confrontation with Kate’s friends present. Assuming Kate had got pregnant after our fling in June, she was almost past her first trimester. That meant she had to have already known she was pregnant.
It also meant that she hadn’t told me. Had she ever intended to tell me?
I clenched my fists, trying to swallow the anger that threatened to overwhelm me. I forced myself to calm down. I didn’t know if this even was my baby.
I knew that, and yet something deep inside me told me it was.
A little later, Naoko and Henry had to go home. They both gave me awkward glances, like they didn’t know what to do with me.
“Kate said we could go home since she doesn’t know when she’ll be discharged,” explained Naoko. She had a guilty expression on her face. “I still hate to leave her.”
“She wanted us to go home,” said Henry. “Besides, she’s just going to sleep.”
“I know, I know.” Naoko said to me, “You can go home too, if you want.”
“I will in a bit. You two go on.”
They hesitated for a second before finally leaving. Good. I couldn’t wait another day to speak with Kate, but I didn’t need her friends hovering.
When I entered the large room that housed two other beds, the same nurse from before directed me to Kate’s room, which was really just a space partitioned off from the other patients. The smell of antiseptic filled my nose. I heard a man speaking behind the partition, something about how he did not want to “piss in a cup right now.”
Kate had her eyes closed. She looked so small and fragile, lying in that hospital bed. She had an IV hooked up to her arm. I looked at her abdomen, as if I could somehow see the baby inside her now. But she was covered in blankets, so if she had a bump, there was no way I could see it right now.
I stepped towards the bed, my emotions a mix of concern and anger. The words I’d had on my tongue had evaporated.
“Naoko, I told you to go home,” mumbled Kate, her eyes still closed.
“I’m not Naoko,” I said.
Kate’s eyes flew open. When she saw my expression, her eyes just widened.
“So, tell me,” I said quietly, “is the baby mine? And if it is, were you ever going to tell me?”
Chapter Eleven
Kate
Seeing Lochlann standing over me, his eyes hard and his jaw clenched, I wanted to throw myself under the bed and hide like a little kid. Instead, I was so startled that I yanked on my arm that had the IV in it, making the machine start beeping in warning.
“What the hell?” I tried moving the IV stand, but it only kept beeping.
“Unfold your arm,” said Lochlann, tapping on my forearm.
I’d bent my arm in half, the IV line in the crook of my elbow. The nurse hadn’t been able to get a line into my wrist, citing that I had tiny veins that didn’t like needles. I hesitated at Lochlann’s command, and he sighed.
“The line is kinked,” he explained. He took my arm and straightened it, and the machine finally decided it was going to shut up.
Right then, a nurse came in. “I heard beeping. Everything okay?” She checked my IV and turned to me. “You’re looking a bit better, dear. How are you feeling? Any more nausea?”
I blushed, wishing Lochlann would go away. “It’s better.”
“Good. I’ll come and check on you in a bit. You should get to go home soon.”
After the nurse left, I fiddled with the paper bracelet they’d given me when I’d been admitted into the ER. Anxiety made my heart pound fast, and although my nausea had disappeared, it was threatening to return, what with Lochlann glaring at me.
“You can’t just ignore me,” he said.
“Sure I can.”
“Then I’ll sit here and wait.”
He pulled up a chair and sat down, folding his hands, his gaze on me. The direct eye contact made me want to squirm.
I realized in a rush that he had no reason to know about my pregnancy. Had Naoko told him? But she would never. I’d trust Naoko with my life.
“Whoever said I was pregnant?” I said, attempting to sound genuinely confused.
“The nurse did.”
I stared at him, shocked and pissed now. “She had no right to tell you that! I’m pretty sure that’s a HIPAA violation!”
“A what violation?”
“It’s a law about privacy—never mind, it’s not important. But she had no right to tell you.”
Lochlann finally looked away, his expression now uncomfortable. “She thought we were related.”
Now I crossed my arms. “Oh really? And who gave her that idea? Because I’m pretty sure it wasn’t me.”
“Is it so wrong that I was worried about you and wanted to know what was going on? Fine, I lied. I said we were dating.”
“That doesn’t mean she should’ve told you!”
Now I realized my words only implicated me further. Great, just great. This was not how I wanted to tell Lochlann I was pregnant. How awkward. And how dare he lie about being my boyfriend just to get information? That was shady. That was low.
Because you haven’t lied at all?
“Well, it’s not your baby,” I said, lifting my chin. “I told you about Steve. He got me pregnant. Not you. So you don’t need to be here.”
“Maybe not, but where is this Steve? You’d think he’d want to be here.”
“He’s out of town. He’s in Argentina right now and doesn’t have a phone.”
“Studying...what was it, flamingos?”
“Yes, flamingos. I just found out I was pregnant after Steve left and since he’s doesn’t get any service, I decided to wait until he returned.”
That sounded totally plausible, didn’t it? But based on how Lochlann’s expression was hardening, he didn’t believe me. He just looked more pissed, not relieved.
“Stop the lying, Kate,” he said, his voice low. “We both know Steve doesn’t exist.”
“Seriously? I can tell you how I got pregnant, if you want. Steve made one of his best lasagnas ever, and I pretty much tore his clothes off. He’s so sexy, you know, just all muscles and arms and legs and—”
Lochlann leaned over, trapping me to the bed—if I wasn’t already kind of trapped with this stupid IV thing.
That voice inside my head, the one that warned me not to do stupid things? It was currently screaming at me. But adrenaline combined with fear made me run my mouth off, as my mom had always called it. It was an unstoppable thing when it happened.
But I didn’t hear him, or heed him. “But I haven’t told you all about Steve’s dick. It’s huge. It’s like a cross between Godzilla and, um, Sasquatch? Well, maybe not. I have no idea what Sasquatch’s dick would like. But it’s one of those dicks where you’re like, shit, it’s going to break me in two! It doesn’t, by the way. It’s awesome. And then we started fucking on the rug because we were too horny to get to the bedroom.”
Lochlann was silent for a long moment. To my surprise, his lips curved into what looked like a smile. A grim smile, but a smile nonetheless. “And so you got pregnant after this lasagna-induced fucking?”
“Exactly.”
Lochlann still hadn’t stood up. In fact, he only leaned closer, and I could feel his warm breath on my face. His dark hair curled against his forehead, and I had to resist the urge to touch it. “If you’re going to lie,” he said finally, “you should maybe come up with something more plausible.”
I scowled. I tried to push him away, but my IV line got mad at me for daring to move. I had to settle for glaring at Lochlann and crossing my arms over my chest.
“Tell me the truth,” he said.
What was I so afraid of? God, everything. Saying it out loud made it real. It made us linked for the rest of our lives. This wasn’t some “oops sorry” type of thing you could clean up and move on from. This was a baby. A real life human being I’d have to care for.
That we’d have to care for.
Tears sprang into my eyes, and I hated myself for my weakness. It was easier for people to think I was just impulsive or wacky. It was worse when anyone saw that I was actually vulnerable.
“Kate,” said Lochlann, his tone gentling so much that the tears only increased. “Just tell me: am I the father or no?”
I nodded, my chin trembling. Then I forced myself to say the words: “Yes, you are.”
Lochlann’s shoulders slumped. He immediately sat back down, putting his face in his hands. Guilt assailed me, even though this wasn’t my fault. If anything, it was his fault, since he’d been in charge of the condom.
Lochlann swore something in Irish that I would’ve demanded to know the meaning of if I wasn’t so tired and heartsick.
“I’m sorry for lying,” I said into the silence. “I should’ve told you earlier.”
Lochlann blew out a breath. “When did you find out?”
“Two, three weeks ago? I was going to tell you at our last meeting, but you pissed me off so much I thought, screw it. He wouldn’t want to know, anyway.”
“Why would I not want to know?” Lochlann was incredulous, like I’d told him I was giving birth to an alien. “This is my baby as much as it’s yours.”
“Yeah, it is, but I don’t expect you to do anything about it. We’ll be fine on our own.”
I thought I’d seen Lochlann pissed before, but I hadn’t seen Rage Lochlann. Rage Lochlann probably would’ve Hulked out if he were, you know, Bruce Banner. Instead, he just stood up with murder in his eyes. I’d never thought you could look at a person and think, huh, he’s going to murder me, but here we were.
“Are you insinuating,” he said slowly, deliberately, “that I’d abandon my child? Have nothing to do with him?”
“Or her.”
“Boy or girl, it doesn’t matter. But I take care of my responsibilities, and even though the timing and circumstances are less than ideal, I’m not about to let you two rot in the gutter.”
“That seems a bit Dickensian, you know.”
He didn’t seem to enjoy my lighthearted responses. Well, that was how I dealt with tension, so he just needed to chill. “Look, I didn’t mean to insult you. I’m just saying I didn’t do this on purpose or expect a whole bunch of child support. My family will take care of us, and I’m smart. I’ll figure this out.”
“Having a child isn’t something you just ‘figure out.’”
“You make it sound like all parents know exactly what they’re doing when they have a kid. Even I know that they don’t.”
Lochlann looked like he wanted to argue—no surprise there—when a voice from the other side of the partition said, “Mr. Keller, we really do need a urine sample, if you’re able.”
Apparently Mr. Keller didn’t feel like cooperating, because he groused, “I can barely walk. How am I going to piss in a cup without falling on my face?”
“A nurse can assist you with that.”
“Only if she’s not the last one I had. Looked like my grandma. Don’t want my grandma handling my dick, you know.”
I had to bite my lip to keep from laughing. Lochlann’s hardened expression had melted, and his jaw twitched as he had to keep in his laughter.
A nurse came to help Mr. Keller to the restroom, leaving Lochlann and I with some privacy for a second. Taking my hand, Lochlann squeezed it.
“We’ll get through this,” he said. “Because we have someone else we have to think of besides ourselves.”
I squeezed his hand back. “What about your job? You can’t continue to be my advisor. What do I tell people?” That familiar anxiety pooled inside my gut. “If people find out, they’ll think I slept with you because I wanted good grades or something. I’m already on thin ice, being one of the few women in the program.”
“I have just as many concerns, believe me. My research, my career—all of it is on the line if anyone hears that this is my baby.”
“It’s not even fair. We had sex before either of us knew who the other was!”
“I doubt the university would care much about the nitty-gritty details.”
We both fell silent, especially when Mr. Keller returned to his bed. Apparently he’d “filled the cup up real good.”
How nurses kept straight faces around patients like that, I had no idea.
Lochlann was rubbing my palm, the gesture soothing my nerves. I realized right then how much I wanted to lean on him: literally and figuratively. I’d been so scared after finding out I was pregnant, thinking I had to do everything on my own, that having his support meant so much to me. Squishy heart feelings bubbled inside of me—dangerous feelings that could never be acted upon.
“Can I have a hug?” I said quietly.
Lochlann got up to sit on the edge of the bed, and after some maneuvering he wrapped his arms around me. I leaned my head on his chest, the thump of his heart somehow calming. He was so warm and strong. Even if our relationship—whatever it was—was a mess, I knew in my heart of hearts that he’d protect this child no matter what.
He rubbed my back. “How are you feeling now?” he asked quietly.
“Tired. I want to go home.”
“I’ll stay with you and take you home.”
I sighed. “Thank you.” Looking into his eyes, I whispered, “I’m sorry, for lying. I don’t usually lie, I swear.”
Lochlann’s hand stilled on my lower back. Before I knew it, he was leaning down and kissing me.
It was a sweet kiss; it was a kiss of mutual comfort. Somehow it was almost more intimate than having sex. It was a kiss that held promises of the future.
When a new nurse came into my room a half hour later to check my vitals, she asked me my name and birthdate to verify my identity. Lochlann had moved back to his chair, but when he heard my birthdate I saw him still as he did the math.
Oh shit. I’d lied about my age back in Ireland. I’d forgotten about that little white lie. Shit, shit, shit. So much for promising that I’d never lie to him again.
“Oh, your blood pressure is a little high. So is your pulse,” said the nurse, frowning. “I’m going to check it again in fifteen minutes just in case, okay?
“I think I’m just anxious,” I said.
“Well, I think you’ll be out of here pretty soon. I’ll have the attending come by soon. No reason to be here all night if you don’t need to be.”
After the nurse left, I beat Lochlann to the punch. “Yes, I lied about my age in Ireland. I’m twenty-two, not twenty-six. I should’
ve told you that as well. At the time, I thought you’d think I was too young.” When he didn’t reply, I added, “I’m sorry. Again.”
He just sighed before shaking his head. “Christ, this is a fucking mess. I’ve impregnated a twenty-two-year-old girl, who’s also my student.” He groaned.
“Hey, I could be sixteen and you could be totally screwed. At least I’m an adult. Besides, I’m not a little girl.”
He just groaned again. “Please, stop talking.”
“I’m trying to make you feel better.”
“Well, you’re failing miserably.”
“Suit yourself.”
When Lochlann drove me back to my apartment an hour later, I was tempted to jump out of the car just as it rolled to a stop, mostly so we could avoid any awkward goodbyes. See you soon, person with whom I am now having a child.
“I should walk you to your door,” he said, surprising me.
My eyes widened. “No, no. It’s fine. You’re fine. Stay in the car. Besides, there’s nowhere to park around here, and you’ll block the street since you can park on both sides of the road—”
Lochlann pulled out his phone. “Give me your number. We’ll need to coordinate another meeting, but I’d rather not do it over university email.”
Ugh, that made it sound so skeevy now. But I gave him my number, because if we were going to make decisions on this little parasite-bean-thing, we’d probably have to do it face-to-face.
I thought of the kiss in the hospital, and my face heated up. It hadn’t even been that sexual, yet here I was, getting horny. Clearly, my hormones were making me insane. It didn’t help that Lochlann was looking at me with those dark, fathomless eyes of his and making me remember our one night together way back in June.
“Farewell,” I blurted, pushing the car door open. “I shall see you soon.”
He didn’t even smile, the icicle man. “Goodbye, Kate. Take care of yourself until then, otherwise you’ll have to answer to me.”
Chapter Twelve
Kate
