by Taylor Dean
Reluctantly, he pulled away. “This is where I leave you.”
Jill didn’t argue with him. It wasn’t the right time for more.
After Luke left with a quiet “goodnight,” Jill’s thoughts went haywire, just as she’d known they would. She began to question herself, and more importantly, Luke. He’d ended their relationship. He’d devastated her. He’d walked out on her and their marriage.
Why was she here? Kissing him and forgiving him?
As she drifted off to sleep, her thoughts wandered to that day; the day Luke broke her heart.
8
Luke and Jill
March 2003
One Month Earlier
The doorbell rang and Jill ran to answer it. Addressing wedding invitations had proved to be an absorbing task. It was nearly ten at night already. Where had the time gone? After a quick peek out the window, Jill saw Luke’s truck parked outside.
“Luke!” she said as she threw open the door. “I thought you had to work tonight.” Jill wrapped her arms around his neck and hugged him tightly, not letting go for several moments. He felt good, comforting, and she loved to hug him and soak up all the good vibes inside of him, as if they all transferred to her through the physical contact. He smelled good too. The man knew how to use aftershave; not too overwhelming, just a gentle whiff. She leaned back and pressed her lips to his, framing his face with her hands. It was one of those sweet kisses wherein they simply enjoyed the feel of their lips pressed together. Neither one of them moved to break the kiss, they simply enjoyed the transference of affection, the calming reassurance of having someone to love and love you in return.
Luke had a soothing presence about him. Her mom called him a deep thinker. He didn’t laugh at a joke if he didn’t think it was funny—which didn’t bode well for her. He didn’t fill in the silence with useless chatter unless he had something to say. Every word that left his mouth had been mulled over and well thought out before it left his lips. When Jill spoke, his blue eyes kept direct eye contact with hers, letting her know he was listening to her every word, making her feel as though she mattered to him.
He was decisive and had a strong sense of right and wrong. Hence, his employment choices defined him in many ways. After getting his degree in Criminal Justice, he became a police officer. He’d also joined the Army Reserves, had made captain six months ago at the age of 27, and was currently assigned to a Civil Affairs unit.
The four year age difference between them didn’t matter. They’d both achieved their initial career goals in life and felt ready to move forward with building a family.
All at once, Luke changed the nature of their kiss. He walked her backwards until she hit the living room wall, his kiss turning hot and demanding.
It was just another thing Jill loved about him. When a man possesses a calm demeanor, his rising emotions are readily evident. When Luke felt passionate, there was no hiding it, nor did he try to hide it. With their wedding only a month away, their kisses had become more and more fervent lately. It left her with the knowledge that their love life was going to be very good indeed.
But this kiss was different. His body pressed against hers, his hands held her hands tightly, making her a willing prisoner in his arms. His kiss became hurried and desperate; as if he was scared she would disappear at any moment. The kiss overwhelmed her, besieged her, until there was nothing left in her thoughts except Lucas Graham. She was nothing and he was everything and together they made something, something that surpassed this very moment, something that surpassed just the two of them.
When Luke finally released her lips, and only her lips, he held their position, staring into her eyes as if he were trying to memorize every feature. The intensity of his gaze—and his mood—finally registered in Jill’s psyche.
“Luke? Is something wrong?”
He didn’t answer, but his eyes were slightly wild, matching the untamed rhythm of his breathing. Another round of ardent kisses ensued, kisses so deep she didn’t know where he began and she ended and she was pretty sure they had melted into each other and become one.
And then it was over. He backed away, his eyes narrowed and his eyebrows deeply furrowed.
Jill was still pressed against the wall and the next few moments of silence seemed almost excruciating. It was then Jill realized he’d not uttered one single word since the moment he arrived. “That was nice,” she said, her voice breathy.
He only nodded. As if finally noticing his surroundings, his eyes wandered. Her apartment looked as though it had become a storehouse for a bridal boutique.
“Oh! Close your eyes. You can’t see my dress,” Jill said as she ran to move her wedding dress that hung from the door frame of her bedroom. She’d just picked it up that day and the alterations were perfect. They’d had to take a ridiculous amount of length off the hem to adjust for her height, but the deed was done. Jill laid the dress across her bed and closed her bedroom door.
When she entered the living room, Luke was studying the centerpieces covering every inch of her coffee table.
“I finally nailed it,” she told him proudly.
Jill had opted to make their wedding centerpieces. After several failed attempts, they’d become a bit of a joke between them. The first centerpiece idea had been to take several types of plastic plants and submerge them in a vase filled with water, giving an “under the sea” type of look. The plants just floated to the top of the vase. Every time.
That idea was nixed.
Next Jill attempted to make fabric wrapped vases. The results were catastrophic. They were a wrinkly mess and no matter how hard she tried to smooth out the material, the project just didn’t work.
The next idea was the most promising. Jill took raffia ribbon and layered it in circles on the inside—instead of the outside—of a vase, with a huge flower perched on top. Instead of looking artistic, it looked like the flower sat atop a large wad of tangled yarn that a cat had just played with. Or maybe an angry bird’s nest was a little more apt.
When presented to Luke for his opinion, he never said a word. His laughter said it all.
Epic fail.
In the end, she’d settled on a very simple idea. She’d purchased tall skinny glass vases and long stemmed arrangements of bougainvillea that looked as though the flowers were creeping over the edge and spilling out. Then she carefully positioned strategically placed flower petals amongst clear stones throughout the body of the vase. It was an easy concept, but took hours until it looked just right—as if the petals had gently fallen where they may. It almost gave the illusion that the petals had been captured mid-fall. She planned to scatter the remaining petals on the tables.
Perhaps crafts weren’t her thing. No shame in that.
“They’re beautiful, Jill,” Luke said.
Jill picked up one of her creations, feeling ridiculously proud. “Thanks.” She carried it with her as she led him to the kitchen table. “You haven’t seen our invitations yet.” She handed him one of the delicate ivory invites and he studied it quietly, running his thumb over their embossed names. Jillian Claire Barrett and Lucas Cole Graham.
“All I can say is, it’s a good thing my mom sent out ‘save the date’ cards. I am so late getting these invites out the door. My wedding planner says,” she cleared her throat for effect, “‘You must get the invites out six to eight weeks before the wedding, so out of town guests can arrange for travel plans.’ Maybe I should’ve accepted my mom’s help.” She shrugged. “But I’ve enjoyed planning our wedding. I wanted to do it.” The silence in the room felt like the loudest thing she’d ever heard. “I finished addressing the first fifty and sent them on their merry little way.”
His head jerked up. “You already mailed them?”
Was it her imagination or did he look . . . mortified?
Jill felt her hands tighten around the vase. Luke hadn’t said much since he’d entered her apartment. And she’d thought he was supposed to be on duty tonight. And he’d kissed her a
s if it was the last time he’d ever see her.
Something was . . . off.
“Luke, is—is something wrong?” she asked again.
Gently, he placed the invite on the table, taking his time about it. He picked up one of the beautifully wrapped mints sitting in a crystal bowl on the table. He twirled it between his fingers, studying their names written in silver in a flowery cursive, Lucas and Jillian.
Jill stammered nervously. “Your mom brought those over so I could see how they turned out. She’s ordered a whole slew of them for the reception.”
He didn’t smile at the thought of another personalized item from his mother like she assumed he would. He tossed it back in the bowl and his eyes traveled back up to hers and she knew.
She knew.
“Yes, something’s wrong,” he said.
He seemed so cold, so remote, so unlike the Luke she knew and loved. “What is it?” she asked.
“Can we sit?” he offered, motioning toward her couches.
Information that could only be conveyed while someone was sitting was never good. Her stomach twisted nervously. Jill plopped down on the loveseat, but he didn’t join her. He sat across from her on the couch. With all the centerpieces covering the coffee table, they couldn’t see each other. He sighed and moved to the overstuffed chair next to the loveseat. He leaned forward, his elbows on his knees, and took her hands in his.
His jaw clenched. “I can’t marry you, Jill.”
The floor heaved and lurched and Jill swayed in her chair. “What?”
“I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.”
Their eyes met and held. He remained unreadable. A heavy feeling, as if something was pushing her into the ground, settled on her. “H-have I done something to upset you?”
He ran his hands over his face as if he were exhausted. “No. Not at all. Don’t ever think that.”
“Then, why?”
“I just can’t. That’s all.”
“You just can’t?” Jill repeated. So many questions wandered through her mind, yet she couldn’t put voice to any of them. Her legs felt numb, her chest tingled, and she wondered if she was going to faint. “You just can’t?” she said again. What kind of an answer was that? “But . . . I love you.”
Luke looked like she felt. His face was pale and his eyes . . . they looked dead, as if they’d been shuttered and no one was allowed to see into the windows of his soul. He didn’t say he loved her back and the omission was duly noted.
“Here’s the thing. My unit has been deployed, Jill. To Iraq. I leave in the morning. I only found out three days ago. I’ll be gone for a year or more and I think it’s best if we call off the wedding.”
Stunned, Jill had no words, no response. Just a few carefully worded sentences and her life was suddenly upside down. “You’ve known for three days?” All at once, three days seemed like an eternity. Why hadn’t he told her sooner? Why hadn’t he turned to her for comfort while facing an uncertain future?
“Yeah. I didn’t know how to tell you. Bad news is bad news no matter how you try to sugarcoat it.”
Iraq? Luke is going off to war. What if he never returns? She’d face that overwhelming issue later. For now the matter at hand was their relationship.
Lots of couples married quickly when one of them had to leave for military duty. That didn’t appear to be one of their options, however. It was too late. And clearly it hadn’t been what Luke wanted or he would’ve married her by now. Ouch, that thought hurt. They could’ve spent the last few days in married bliss. Didn’t he want her? Jill blurted out the next thing that came to mind. “It doesn’t matter. This changes nothing. I love you. We’ll just postpone everything. I’ll wait for you.” He will return. I know he will. Jill wiped away the tears that drizzled down her face.
He shook his head in the negative. “No.” His tone seemed unyielding.
She stilled. “Excuse me?”
Luke pulled her up and stood so close she could feel his sweet breath on her face. “Don’t wait for me, Jill. I want you to go on with your life. I don’t want you to put everything on hold for me. It isn’t fair to you and I won’t ask you to do it.” His voice had turned to a harsh whisper, but his expression seemed . . . blank.
“Stop it, Luke. Of course I’m going to wait for you. How could you even think differently?”
“No,” he said firmly. “I’m not asking for promises between us. A year is a long time. What if it’s longer than that? We can’t predict if you’ll feel the same when I return.”
By that, she wondered if he meant he couldn’t predict how he would feel when he returned. “Of course I’ll feel the same. What are you talking about? Why don’t you want me to wait for y-you?”
Jill stared deeply into his eyes, eyes that held no light, no glimmer of hope. He was giving up on them, on a future between them. He’d already pulled away from her emotionally; she could feel it and sense it. “Why are you doing this?” she whispered.
He swallowed hard. “I have to.”
“No, you don’t. You don’t have to lose me.”
“A year is a long time,” he repeated, as if that explained everything. “Who knows how long I’ll really be gone. I’ve thought this through. It’s the right thing to do.”
Jill couldn’t process everything fast enough. Her heart raced ahead, but her mind thumped behind. “Please, don’t do this. Don’t write me off.”
“It’s for the best. I don’t want to leave you in limbo.”
“Luke, I don’t understand . . .” He was being deliberately vague and it wasn’t like him. How could he shut her out like this?
“I need to go. I have an early morning and a long day ahead. No reason to drag this out. It’ll just make it harder on both of us. I’m really sorry, Jill.”
Sorry? Sorry was something you said when you bumped into a stranger in a crowded room. Sorry was something you said when you interrupted someone.
Sorry couldn’t cover leaving for war, a broken engagement, and a cancelled wedding.
Jill followed him to the foyer. “Wait. I don’t really know what just happened. You’re calling off our wedding and breaking up with me? Just like that?” Her voice wavered, revealing her emotion. None of this seemed possible. Was she dreaming? Having a nightmare? It was so sudden, so unexpected. One minute they were kissing, their bright future ahead of them, the next he was saying it was over.
“Unfortunately, yes.”
“That’s all you have to say?”
“Yes. I can’t say anything to make this easier. It’s just that . . . I . . .” He paused, seeming frustrated. He ran his hands over his face and as he did so, Jill immediately noticed that his hands were shaking. Trembling.
She felt for him. Going off to war was not an easy thing. But he didn’t have to feel alone or lose her in the process.
“It’s best if we just say goodbye.” His eyes burned into hers for a moment, as if he wanted to say something but couldn’t. Then he turned and left, leaving the door wide open.
Jill watched as Luke jumped into his truck and squealed his tires as he drove off.
Like he couldn’t get away fast enough. Like the devil himself was hot on his heels.
The vase Jill held slipped through her fingers and broke into several pieces on the tile below. She stared at the mess for several minutes as if she didn’t know what to do. The strategically placed petals intertwined with the broken glass, representing beauty mixed with ugliness. Broken dreams mixed with delicate wishes. It symbolized the moment perfectly.
Finally, she knelt down and picked up a broken piece of glass, and then another, and another. Somehow, she didn’t know how, she sliced her palm open in the process. Blood began to pool beneath her. It took awhile to realize it was coming from her. Jill collapsed to the floor, her knees to her chest and her back against the wall. She cradled her hand to her chest, letting her shirt catch the blood.
Jill had no idea how much time had passed when her mom was suddenly before her, call
ing her name.
“Jill? Jill? What happened?”
“I don’t know,” she answered. “He said he can’t marry me. He leaves in the morning. He wants no promises between us. Then he left.”
“What happened to your hand, Jill? Your hand?”
“Oh, I cut it.”
“Why, Jill? Why did you cut your hand? No man is worth it.”
Briefly, Jill wondered why her mom would think such a thing. She supposed finding her daughter in a state of shock, staring at nothing in particular, with a blood soaked shirt, might warrant her reaction. “Not on purpose, Mom. I dropped the vase. I was cleaning up the glass.”
“Let’s get you to the ER. I think you need stitches.”
9
Luke and Jill
April 2003
Present Day
Jill awoke to the sounds of birds chirping incessantly outside her window. A happy sound, yet her heart was heavy. Absentmindedly, she ran her hand over the scar on her palm. It was a constant reminder of the night Luke had left her. At this moment, it served its purpose.
What was she doing here?
Luke had callously left her. He’d offered no promises between them, no parting words of love, nothing. Not even an I’ll miss you or a promise to write. He’d called her mother and said Jill needed her, leaving her to clean up his mess.
He’d left the very next morning. Poof. Gone. Just like that.
