I’m such a loser. A pathetic loser, who can’t even say what it was that happened to my brother or even to think it. The pain isn’t getting easier. It’s getting harder. At times I feel like I’m suffocating from the inside out. How freakin’ logical is that?
My cell phone rings.
Picking it up off the desk, I read the caller ID. It’s Mac.
“Hey stranger.” It’s been a while since I’ve been to the pub. I miss it if you can believe that.
“Hey sweetie.” His voice is always soft when he’s speaking to one of his girls. That’s what he calls his waitresses. He’s a sweet old man in a daddy sort of way and very unlike my own father. “I’m hoping you can bail an old man out of a bind.”
“I can try. What can I do for ya, Mac?”
“Holly called out sick. A new girl I hired last week quit. I’m short tonight and I was hoping you were free and could work tonight.”
Shoot, it’s family dinner night. Damn it, but I can’t leave Mac hanging.
“Sure, I can do it.” I agree before I chicken out. The guys will just have to understand. We leave in a couple of days. I can always make it up to them over the weekend.
“Thanks, girly girl. You’re the best. Can you be here in an hour?”
Crap.
“Yeah, I can make that happen.”
We hang up. I stack the envelopes with the checks inside them on the desk with a sticky note attached that has Natalie’s name scribbled on it.
Walking out, I start a group text to my roommates letting them know the bad news about dinner.
Me: Guys, Mac is in a bind and I told him I’d help out tonight. I’ll make dinner up to y’all in GA. Sorry!!
I’m hoping I can get past Shawn and out the door before he sees his phone. As I walk past he looks up and gives me a half smile then nods a goodbye. I dodged that one. He was busy applying a transfer onto some guy’s leg.
My phone dings twice simultaneously as I slide into the driver’s seat of my car. I need to get home and change quickly so I can get to the bar on time. A shower is out of the question, but I can freshen up and change clothes.
Matt: You’re kidding right?
Mason: WTF. That’s bullshit.
I knew they wouldn’t be happy. Coming between men and their weekly promised food isn’t the smartest thing one should do. I’ll have to hear about this one for a while.
Another text message comes through when I put the gearshift into drive. Keeping my foot on the brake, I read it before pulling out of the parking lot. This one isn’t part of the group text.
Shawn: You couldn’t stop and tell me that before leaving?
Me: You were busy.
Shawn: And you’re a chicken shit.
Ass.
I don’t respond.
Instead my mind wanders to the person I try every day to forget. I don’t want to forget him, but if I did, then I wouldn’t have to feel this pain anymore. I really am a weak and crappy ass person.
“Hey Shawn, how’s it going?” Removing my eyes away from Tara, I glance to my right to see a chick sliding into the booth next to Kenny. Her voice is familiar. When she settles into the seat, she looks up at me, smiling and places her hand on my shoulder. “It’s good to see you again.” Her lips are curves into a flirtatious grin.
I reply with only a brief grin to acknowledge her. This shit is getting old and it’s not what I want to deal with tonight. I know who the girl is. I inked two bow ties on the back of her thighs a week ago.
Before I’m able to slide away from her touch, I feel the presence of another person to my left. The sound of bottles clunking together and being placed down on the table tells me it’s Tara with our drinks.
I turn, looking up to see a flash of anger directed toward the chick that just joined our table. Tara removes her phone from her back pocket. When she looks at the screen she huffs out a frustrated gush of air.
“Um, Taralynn, honey?” Adam calls out in a question. I look at him as he holds up a Coors Light. He doesn’t drink that type of beer. That’s when I peer down at the rest of the drinks that aren’t what she knows we all drink.
“Yeah?” She questions back while dropping the hand holding her cell to her side. Her expression changes when she realizes she brought us the wrong drinks. “Shit. I’m sorry, guys. I’ll be right back.” She places her cell on the table in more of a toss than sitting it down. Tara grabs the bottles by their necks and walks off.
My earlier assessment of something being off or wrong is confirmed. Then again, her brother was killed eight weeks ago. She is still dealing with a lot of emotions. Emotions she won’t talk about so really one could say she isn’t dealing with things, as she probably should be.
Wanting to know what caused her frustration, I snatch up her phone. The screen isn’t locked and even if it was I know her code. Her text message app is opened to a text between her and Jared. My jaw locks at the sight of his name. Not liking the thought of her speaking to him, I unashamedly read the messages starting from about an hour ago.
Tara: I feel like I’m drowning. Like I can’t breathe.
Jared: Come over when you get off.
Tara: Jared, don’t. That’s not why I text you.
Jared: Then what was your reason?
Tara: I need someone to talk to. I don’t know. I don’t have anyone and I need a friend.
Jared: Baby, you know I’m your friend, but I can be so much more too.
Tara: Don’t do that. Don’t complicate it.
Jared: Just come over, babe. You know I can take the pain in your chest away. I can replace it with the pain you crave. The pain you need.
Tara: Can’t you just talk to me instead of it always turning into more?
Jared: I want more, Taralynn. I want you. ALL OF YOU.
Tara: No you don’t.
Jared: Yes I do. I miss you in my bed.
Tara: Jared, stop!
Jared: Damn it, woman, I love you. Let me fucking love you. I will make you mine. Until then just come over and let me give you whatever it is you need. My dick or my mouth is yours to do with as you please, baby.
Jared: Respond to me, please. Braden doesn’t want you. Not like I do. You know that just as well as I do.
The fuck.
Over my dead body.
She’s mine.
I’m going to murder that dickhead.
“Shawn.” I hear the girl call my name as I place Tara’s phone back on the table, but I ignore her. Looking out into the bar I see Jared sitting with his friends on what we’ve agreed to as “his side” of Mac’s pub and where I am is my side. He’s staring hard toward the bar. I glance in that direction to see Tara grabbing our beer bottles off the counter. “Shawn.”
For the love of God, would this bitch leave me the hell alone?
I don’t address her. Instead I look back over at Jared. If he continues watching my girl the way he is, separated sides aren’t going to keep me from beating the fuck out of him.
He loves her? He can’t love her. I don’t fucking think so. He’s a douche-prick.
It’s been two months since Trent’s funeral. She came into the studio this morning to do payroll a few days early because we are leaving Friday heading to Georgia for some fun. She needs to get her mind off of her brother, at least for a few days. Tara stayed at the studio all today even though I told her to go home.
I thought she was doing better since getting back into routine. Mac was shorthanded tonight and although Tara stopped working at the bar since coming to work at Wicked Ink on an official basis, she offered to help out tonight.
I’ll be damned if I let Jared put his paws on her again. And what the fuck does he mean by replace her grief with the pain she craves? I’ll kill that motherfucker if he’s hurts her. I know she likes rough sex, but pain?
His face is slowly during in my direction, which tells me Tara is walking back over. I hope he sees me looking his way. From the messages he either knows I’m sleeping with Tara or he’
s playing on her feeling for me to get into her pants. That thought alone makes me want to rip the fucker’s dick clean off his body.
It’s not until I hear a breathy voice speaking into my ear that I feel a hand running up the length of my thigh and another hand on the back of my neck. “You know handsome, I really want to get to know you a lot better. Much better in fact. What do you say?”
I look up to see Tara slamming the glass bottles on the table before grabbing her phone and storming off. Liquid spilled out, but I’m not sure how one of them didn’t break from the force she used.
Fuck my life that did not just happen. Of course it fucking did.
I turn in my chair so the woman stumbles back but not before grabbing onto my bicep for support. “Don’t ever lay your hands on me again. And no, Lacy isn’t it, I don’t want to get to know you better.”
I jump up, leaving my beer on the table to go look for Tara. She walked toward the back.
Passing the bathrooms, I enter the storage room at the back of the building. It’s dark inside, but I see Tara standing with her palms on top of what looks to be a deep freezer in the back of the large room. Moving quickly, I walk up behind her, running my right hand underneath her t-shirt to rest on her warm belly and fusing my chest to her back. I need the contact. I need her to feel me and me only.
“Baby.” For the briefest of seconds, two maybe three at the most, she relaxes into me, but it doesn’t last which doesn’t settle the tension that is coiling in the back of my neck.
“Don’t.” She tries to pull away, but I don’t allow her to. “Just leave me.”
“No.” I state firm. “I didn’t realize she was touching me or I would have stopped it. I’m sorry, Tara.” Make her believe you, the voice in the back of my head tells me. It’s the truth.
“Yeah, right.”
“You think I’m lying?” I don’t give her a chance to answer, before I spit out another question. “You think I want her?” Anger is taking hold of me.
“She was practically sitting in your lap, Shawn. Her chest was pressed against your arm and her mouth was in your ear.” Her words are forced out. “Are you saying you didn’t feel any of that?” She twists around to face me. “What about when she not so quietly begged you to fuck her. Huh?” Her own anger nearly matches my own.
Yeah, she’s pissed.
When she puts it that way, I can’t really blame her. I was the same way when I read the messages between her and Jared. Motherfucker.
“I was distracted so no I didn’t feel her until I heard her and then saw you. If you hadn’t left, you would have heard me tell her not to touch me ever again. I don’t want her. I have you. I only want you. Jesus.” What does she want from me? I’m being honest. Doesn’t that count for anything?
“You don’t have me and I don’t have you. You’re free to go screw her if you would like to. Hey, use the public bathroom. You’re accustomed to them anyways, right?”
I step closer, invading her personal space before reaching under her thighs and lifting her ass to sit down on the flat surface of the deep freezer. Tara’s blue jean skirt rides up due to me standing between her legs.
“What the fuck is that supposed to mean? If I don’t have you then who does? Jared?” His name comes out as a bark. “Are you fucking him, too?” My anger is about to explode. I don’t want to be an asshole to her, but hey, that’s who I am. After reading her text messages with him, I need somewhere to aim it before I come unglued.
“Leave him out of this.”
“Fuck that. Answer the goddamn question. Are you fucking both of us?”
“Why should I answer that? God knows I don’t want to know who else you’re screwing on the side.”
“No one.” I yell getting closer to her face.
“Oh,” She laughs sardonically. “So, I’m convenient for you. You don’t have to work for it any longer since I’m always available. Is that it, Shawn?” She shakes her head. “You know what, don’t answer that. Move. I’m done.”
“What the hell are you talking about? I’ve been under the impression we were having a good time. Great sex every night and every morning. Is my dick not enough for you? You need Jared’s too?”
Her palm connects with my face, but instead of it pissing me off or shocking me, it lights a fire straight to my cock. As quick as my hand will move, I grab a hand full of her hair at the back of her neck, yanking her face forward until our lips connect. Her mouth opens for me immediately allowing my tongue access to enter. She sucks my bottom lip between her teeth when I retract my tongue. She bites down, not soft, but not too hard either.
She slides off the edge of freezer so I have to step back to allow her feet to fall to the ground. Tara goes for my belt bucket. When she has it undone she pops the button of my jeans and then lowers the zipper. We are both in a frenzy.
Releasing her hair, I flip her around so that her back is to my chest. I reach down, grabbing the hem of her skirt and pull upward until it's seated at her waist. Next, I jerk my jeans and boxers down my legs at the same time. I need inside her and I need in her now.
“Bend.” She obeys, leaning over the deep freeze, which pushes her ass out, angling it just the right way. I fist my hard cock in one hand and pull her panties to the side with the other. I ram in harder than I ever have before, taking her hard.
“Aghh.” She gasps when I’m stuffed all the way inside. Her walls tighten around me when I start to pull out. “More.”
“Don’t worry, baby, I’m won’t be done with you until you know you’re mine.” I ram in again. Releasing her panties, I take both of her hips into my hands for control. I push her away and then yank her back until her ass bruises my groin with the force.
When I push her away she clamps down on my cock causing me to suck in air through my mouth. I love and hate when she does that. It feels amazing, but I can’t last for shit when she does it multiple times on purpose. She knows how to milk me and she’ll milk every ounce out of me if she can.
“Faster. Harder.” She pants each word out. My speed increases on her demand, pushing in and out harder than the last. She is coming, but I know she’s clamped down on her lip to keep herself from screaming. I do the same as I come inside her because right now if I open my mouth, the whole fucking bar will hear me.
I still both of us, pressing myself against her to catch my breath. Fuck me that was good. Better than it has…
“Fuck.” Holy shit, I did not. “Tara.” I call out her name. I’m still inside her and scared shitless. What am I supposed to do now?
“Move, off of me.” The heat in her voice has returned. Does she not realize what we did? I pull out, looking down, my dick is wet with both of our cum. My head is mixed with being turned on again by the glistening image of us and terrified because I’ve never fucked without a condom.
She twists around as she fixes her panties in place. We both look up at the same time then her expression changes.
“We didn’t use protection.” She is as shocked as I was moments ago.
“No shit.” The asshole comeback probably could have remained unsaid.
She pulls her skirt down in place and I pull my boxer briefs and jeans up my hips. I button and zip up.
“I get the depo shot regularly, we’re fine. Well, at least you are. Please, Shawn, please tell me you’ve never had sex without one before now.” Does she think I’m that stupid? Definitely shouldn’t verbalize that with the look she is giving me.
“No, I haven’t. What’s a depo shot?”
“Birth control. Okay, then.” Her voice rubs me the wrong way and I don’t know why. Good that she’s on birth control though because I want to do that again. I grab her in my arms and pull her closer.
“Does that mean we can do that again without anything between us?” I turn a smile on her.
“We won’t be doing that ever again, with or without a condom. Move.” My smile falls. What the fuck? That shit was good…great and I know she thought so too.
&
nbsp; “Come again?” She can’t be serious. Jared. Did his words get to her? Does she believe him? Surely I’ve shown her repeatedly just how much I want her.
“I’m done with this.” She points back and forth between us. I’m speechless. “I’m done being just a convenient fuck for you. I’m done being the woman you want for sex, but not to date and not the one you want anyone else you know to see. I’m better than being someone’s dirty little secret.”
“Tara, you aren’t. I don’t think you are.” Where in God names did she come up with that bullshit?
“Don’t lie to me.” She shoves me backwards. My mind can’t wrap around any of this so when she pushes me I stumble backwards several steps. “You said yourself you didn’t want anyone to know we were seeing each other. You’ve told me that several times. The morning we woke up in bed together after we came home from Tupelo after Trent’s funeral, you said let’s keep ‘us’ to us.”
I did. I said that, but doesn’t she understand why?
“Tara, listen to me.”
“No, I’m done, Shawn. Done! Until you want a real relationship, if you want one that’s out in the open where our friends know, our parents know, then you can hang this up. I’m not going to be used for a good time. You can find plenty of actual whores for that.”
She storms past me.
What just happened?
I’ll fix this. We’ll be in Georgia this time tomorrow and she’ll be back in my bed. I guaran-fucking-tee it.
Women!
I went home as some as I left the bar after walking out on Shawn, leaving him in the storage room. I then packed and left again. This time I went to my parents’ house in Tupelo.
It was my last resort, that’s why. I couldn’t stay at Shawn’s. He would have come home and talked his way back into my bed. He’s gifted that way. I couldn’t go to Pam and Bill’s. What would I have said? Hey, I’m in love with your son and I’ve been sleeping with him. He doesn’t want a real relationship with me though, only sex, so I ended it and can’t face him like a big girl now. Yeah…no.
More Than Lies Page 27
