In fact, I’m so cheerful I would like to wish even the world’s most lunatic environmentalists a happy Christmas. I’d extend season’s greetings also to the Health and Safety Executive, cyclists, the woman who’s trying to write a biography about me, American politicians, Piers Morgan and even people who put the stickers on the lenses of spectacles in shops.
Not lawyers, though. You lot sit over the land like a pall of smoke, bringing doom and gloom to even the brightest, sunniest day. You lot can go fooey.
Sunday 18 December 2005
Table of Contents
Book Jacket
I’m a nobody, my jet-set credit card tells me so
Oops: how I dropped the US air force right in it
Sorry, Hans, brassy Brits rule the beaches now
Learn to kill a chicken, or you’ll get no supper
To win a war, first you need a location scout
Fear of fat can seriously damage your health
Scotch – stop skiing and return to your sheds
My son thinks I’m gay, and it can only get worse
Sorry, but the public apology is a Big Lie
Calling your kid Noah or Coke – how wet is that?
Put Piers on a plinth, he deserves immortality
Hurricane Hank pulls a fast one on the scramjet
Health and safety and the death of television
Getting totally wrecked at sea isn’t a crime
We used to work to live, then we gave up living
You’re all on probation, this is the British nation
Comrade Clipboard won’t let me crash the car
Noises off can turn a man into a murderer
The lusty lads have left me feeling exposed
Mobile phones that do everything – except work
We really have to draw a line under tattoos
Life itself is offensive, so stop complaining
Put the panic button down now and walk away quietly
Yes, it used to be grim up north – now it’s grimmer
Stars staying alive is really killing rock’n’roll
Hoon’s thinned red line is facing the wrong way
Whee, there’s a golden apple in my family tree
Blame your airport wait on dim Darren and Julie
Proper writing is like so overr8ed, innit kids
I have now discovered the highest form of life: wasps
The doctors are out to get me
Let’s brand our man’s army
Go to school, see the world
Space virgins need chutes
Call that a list of best films?
Two fingers to the pension
This is how the world ends…
Fight terror and look good, too
The Cheshire charity rip-off
Now I’m an artificial hipster
Bullies were the making of me
100 things not to do before you die
Let’s break all Tony’s laws
Sharks, you’re dead meat
The ghost of wife’s present
Who’s afraid of the nice wolf?
Bowling for the beautiful people
Wild weather warnings
Jumbo, a brilliant white elephant
Jackboots rule the countryside
Found: a cure for binge drinking
Custard, my wife’s worst swearword
Go ahead, lad, be a gay astronaut
Sticking one on the gum summit
It’s freezing, so go get your sun cream
Good riddance to green rubbish
Bury me with my anecdotes on
A screen queen ate my pork pie
Save me from my mobile phone
Ecologists can kill a landscape
What we need is a parliament of 12
Why won’t shops sell me anything?
Fun: the true sign of a good school
Nuts and dolts of an eco-boycott
Small BBC strike, not many stirred
Twin your town to save Africa
Rock is dead, long live rock’n’roll
You are about to be devoured
Death by 1,000 autographs
Oops, £25,000 went overboard
Annoying: I like David Beckham
My burning hate for patio heaters
Multicultural? I just don’t see it
Children really don’t want toys
The Catch 22 of taking exercise
A shady person’s holiday guide
It’s a very fishy world, angling
The message in a litter lout’s bottle
Great no-shows of our time
I’ve been seduced by Beardy Airways
We are a nation in rude health
Four eyes aren’t better than two
Naughty nights in heartbreak hotel
When the fame game goes funny
Cornered by the green lynch mob
What happened? I’m not grumpy
And another thing--: the world according to Clarkson Page 25
