by Karen Botha
‘No, I can understand how that would mess you up.’
I nod slowly. The tea is finished, but we stand there anyway side by side both staring at the counter top.
‘And how are you mate?’ We’ve both known it’s coming, but finally he found the right moment to ask.
‘I’m OK,’ I scratch a tiny speck of dirt on the work surface.
‘You sure?’
‘Yeah, it’s a bit weird, I thought it had happened again, you know, and erm then of course now she is getting better physically, it should all be OK. But it’s not somehow. It shook me up. It shook her up too. I want us to get back to how we were, but she’s more fragile than she was and I see the whole Steph thing starting all over again. It’s exactly the same, full of energy and then something happens and it knocks all that life out of her and I’m left with a shell.’
Wyndham nods, this had been his fear.
‘You guys need to get away together, somewhere nice, straighten out both your heads' again.’
‘Yeah, that would be lovely, and I’ve thought about it, but the problem is, where Lucy isn’t working, she isn’t being paid. She can’t afford and I can’t pay for both of us.’ My breath catches as I admit this to my successful brother.
‘Look you guys really need this, I can lend you some cash to pay for it?’ My heart swells and I hug him; tight, slapping him on the back.
‘We’d best get this in there,’ we break away from each other and each pick up two mugs. As we head into the living room, the girls stop talking, deers caught in the headlights. I guess they’d been having their own con-flab.
PAULA
‘I’m going on a date!’
‘What, who with?’ Lucy screams excitedly down the phone.
‘With Andy… the nice chap from line dancing.’
‘Oh wow, you’re really doing this. I’m sorry I’ve been self-obsessed with the accident and getting myself fit, I didn’t click that you’d been again.’
‘It’s OK, you’ve had a lot on your plate.’ I’m sure she can hear me smiling because I know she’s doing the same when she replies.
‘I’m so pleased for you.’
‘So, where are you off to?’ she asks, and it’s nice to have my old Lucy back for a few moments.
‘I don’t know exactly, we’re meeting in the afternoon at that Tapas place in town, but he said to wear comfortable shoes so I’m confused.’
‘Well, it sounds like he’s planned something at least, when are you going?’
I run through the details, then chastise myself for not asking earlier how she’s doing.
‘Ah OK. I’m pretty well healed now, so I’m easing into it again and letting my regulars book an appointment. I'm not accepting new clients at the moment, just taking it easy, you know.’
‘And how are you in yourself?’ I’m tentative.
‘There’s not much to say really is there… we are where we are.’
I leave it, she’ll talk when she’s ready.
I’m strangely calm about my date. As I enter the restaurant, the maitre’d takes my jacket. I like Andy. He doesn’t rock my world, but honestly the guys who did weren't great successes. I’m pushing my boundaries. Why not?
He’s already arrived which I appreciate - at least he’s keen. I take the seat the waiter has pulled out for me and lean over to kiss Andy on his cheek as he stands to greet me. His eyes glitter and I feel their light shine through the cold of my heart. He’s ordered a jug of Sangria.
‘So are you going to tell me what we’re doing today then?’ I smile as we chink our glasses.
‘Well, we’re having a three course meal,’ he grins widely.
‘OK,’ I’m dubious, we’re currently ensconced in a Tapas bar which isn’t the place to get a standard three courses.
‘Don’t panic, I’ve not gone mad, this is our starter,’ he says this as if revealing a secret to a child.
‘Ah, OK, I see.’
‘Yeah, and then we’re getting on the train into London for our main course,’ he explains without really explaining.
‘And pudding?’ I let him maintain his air of mystery.
‘Ah, well dessert will be amazing,’ he tempts. I’m going to roll with it.
‘Sounds fabulous,’ I have to give him credit for putting the effort in.
I sit back and relax properly for the first time since arriving. I notice his outfit. If I’m being totally honest, I’m not in love with it. He’s wearing smart jeans which are OK, but they’re black, which is not OK. His shirt is also OK, obviously checked, but not offensive so that’s a plus.
However, it’s his belt I take the real issue with. It’s one of those with the fancy buckle. This particular one sports a motif of a guitar and banjo crossed at their necks against a backdrop of something indistinguishable. There's a country music logo emblazoned across the centre in case there was any doubt. My eyes are drawn to it, if I’m not careful he’ll think I’m checking something else out.
‘So, what will you have for your starter Madam?’ he asks, with officious formality.
‘I’m going to go with the smoked chicken croquettes please,’ I mimic his tone.
‘Excellent choice Madam.’
He’s having the bacon wrapped dates which sound delicious, they’re stuffed with blue cheese and topped with ground almonds.
‘I thought I was one of the few people who likes mould on my cheese.’
‘It shows how perfectly we’re matched,’ he replies and as I’m in an easy going mood, I’ll let that lie.
I feel lazy when it's time to move on to our next location. A glass or so of fairly potent Sangria on an empty stomach can do that to a girl so I was pleased when we didn’t have to wait long for the train. He has planned this in way more detail than I gave him credit for - he’d already purchased me a ticket for unlimited travel. I’m starting to forgive the belt buckle.
‘Tell me where we’re going.’ This is as we walk between platforms, changing from overground to the London tube.
‘You’ll find out soon enough,’ he answers and I hope it’s not a big let down after all his effort. I’m going to have to pretend it’s amazing, regardless.
When we get off the underground, we surface in the middle of a busy, run down area of London. A mix of ages, races and fashion sense are bustling around pound shops and independent stores selling plastic buckets and stackable boxes of varying sizes.
I keep my mouth firmly closed. This is not what I had hoped for our afternoon, particularly after his promising start. I am royally shocked at his choice, it was all going so well. He grabs my hand amid the hustling and smiles. My heart shifts in my chest, the danger of crossing between two busses momentarily forgotten. Round the corner, we make our way towards an old market. Apprehensive butterflies crowd my thorax but I'm unsure if it's because I'm excited to be with my unusual but increasingly appealing date, or because we're in a run down part of town. That early Sangria hasn't helped keep my whits on high alert.
As we head towards the stalls, it’s a different world. Bright graffiti contrasts against raw shipping containers playing host to any number of food and drink hubs. I spot, Mexican, Indian street sellers, a rum bar, all in a quick glance. The place is alive with people enjoying hanging at long shared tables, the most amazing smells and just colour - the colour of life.
‘Boy did good! I have to admit you had me worried for a bit though.’
‘That was part of my plan,’ he admits and we smile at my downfall. It’s impossible to do anything but, when you’re standing smack bang in the middle of a vibe alive with the right kind of energy.
‘There should be more places like this.’ He nods.
We wander around for a while with a few plastic bottles of lager, and then all of a sudden with no warning, I am truly starving again.
‘Let's grab something to eat, I saw a stall over there serving the most amazing jerk chicken.’
‘Sounds great,’ so we head over, take our position in the qu
eue and wait our turn.
‘Hey, a seat has come up over there,’ he points shoving me a little harder than he had intended. ‘You go sit and I’ll get the food.’
Off I head. I’m minding my own business noseying around at the cross section of people here, all having such a great time. I actually feel empty without him at my side. I’m having a nice day with this unconventional but lovely man. When he finds me, food in hand, I smile, because he is back, not because he comes laden with wonderful goodies. Affection warms my jaded soul and an ember of optimism melts my cynicism.
‘Oh wow,’ I bite into my chicken, ‘the flavours explode, don’t they?’ I’m not asking, it is a fact.
He nods, making a noise but not actually managing to speak through a mouth crammed with delights.
‘That did not last long enough,’ I’m contrite because I ate my meal in about two mouthfuls. I’d waited until I was so hungry it was almost impossible not to eat like a starving dog once presented with something so delicious. The positive out of this, is that Andy did the same so at least I wasn’t a pig on my own. I smile at the thought.
We get to discussing line dancing and his love of it.
‘I never fitted in anywhere until I found that place. They are such genuine people that don’t judge anyone,’ I can see what he’s saying.
‘Julie seems nice,’ I prompt.
‘Yeah, she is,’ he bends his head and comes nearer to me as he confides in a low voice, ‘she has a story to tell though.’
‘Really? Go on…’
‘Well, you remember when you first started coming that she said she used to come with this guy?’
‘Yes,’ I nod at the same time, remembering exactly.
‘Well she lodged with him to start off with, well to be more precise with him and his sick wife.’
‘Oh?’ I maintain a level tone.
‘Yeah, the wife was ill a lot. She was in bed leaving Julie and this guy kind of pushed into coupledom, meal times together, watching TV and the likes. Anyway, eventually the inevitable happened, and they became an item, all whilst they lived with his wife.’
He pauses for breath so I nod encouragement not wanting to stem his flow.
‘Yeah, so all this is going on and then this wife only goes and croaks it doesn’t she. Heart disease or something, and then Julie is thinking, this is it, they’ll start their life properly, as a couple.’
‘I can imagine.’
‘Except this chap, isn’t interested in her anymore. Tells her he was only with her cos he was lonely with his wife being ill, but now she’s dead he’s come to his senses.’
‘Oh, no, poor Julie,’ I keep my face bland, not revealing my shock on many different levels.
‘Yeah, she was a mess afterwards, took her quite a while to get over it,’ he nods slowly. I’m not really listening any more my brain is buzzing around like a cuckoo trapped in a cage.
The sun is setting and they’re lighting fires in bins to keep us warm. People are pulling out guitars on a makeshift stage ahead of where we’re sitting.
‘Shall we grab a cocktail or two here?’ Andy suggests, ‘We can do our third course another day?’
I smile, ‘Are you inviting me out on a second date?’ I ask, just to be clear.
He titters at my directness, ‘No flies on you!’ he chuckles, ‘Yes I’d love you to come out with me again, if you’d like to?’
‘Yes, I’d like to.’ My heart which has been threatening all day, finally melts. I stand and pass round to the side of him, resting my hand on his shoulder, ‘Which cocktail do you want? I’ll buy these.’ I take his order and text Mo. The file contained no interview from Julie.
‘You’re not going home alone at this time of night. I’ll make sure you get back OK and then grab a cab from yours.’
I’m not sure how I feel about this. I’m happy I’ve finally met a gentleman, but I’m not the kind of girl who needs looking after. It can be crowding. And when he gets to mine, what then? I sigh.
‘OK, thank you, that’s very gallant of you.’ I hook my arm into his as he remains on the train past his stop. I’ll play it by ear.
Boob complains when we walk into my skinny hall a little later and does a funny half hop up at Andy, knowing she’s not allowed to jump but doing her best to be noticed by this fresh faced target for affection. I laugh pleased of the distraction. My limbs are tense, they don’t fit with my body.
‘I have Cornettos in the freezer if you’d like pudding?’ I head straight to the bottom drawer without waiting for his answer.
‘Yes that would be lovely please, thanks…’ He hovers behind me as I root around.
Pulling one out, I pass it to him and switch on some music to quell the shattering silence.
‘What shall I do with this?’ He holds the torn wrapper in his right hand, uneaten ice-cream in his left. I take it and pop it in the pedal bin next to the sink. The lid clatters.
‘I love this song.’ I comment without thinking. It’s Wonderwall and yes, I did like it twenty years ago, but I wouldn’t say it’s a song I love.
‘I never really liked this kind of music,’ he replies, believing my comment not to be the result of my nervous mouth running off.
‘Oh, of course.’ I look at the radio, willing it to change stations to something more country. I have no idea how to re-tune it beyond the three I flit between.
He sees. ‘It’s OK, don’t worry, it’s only background.’
I lick my ice-cream.
‘Shall we go sit?’ he points to the sofa at the other end of my open plan living space.
‘Sure,’ I gesture with my hand for him to lead the way.
The music, now playing in the kitchen, sounds tinny. ‘I’ll just turn that off and put the TV on shall I?’ I’m already standing to make the changes.
He grabs my arm, ‘Leave it, sit with me.’
He pulls me to sit next to him. His hand is cold from the ice cream. As I plonk down, he wraps his arm around the back of my waist and drags me closer. I feel the heat from his body. He touches my hand as it rests on my lap and takes it to his mouth, resting his lips there. I twist my head to him, my breath catches as his face moves towards me. His eyes sparkle and I close mine. I have a humming in my ears that I’ve never noticed before.
When his lips whisper across mine, they’re cool and sticky from his dessert. He runs them down my neck, slowly taking in the tender spot behind my ears then down to the hollow where my neck meets my shoulders. I shiver, dormant sensations awakening.
He stops, I open my eyes. He’s studying me, searching to make sure he hasn’t misread my signals and has inadvertently overstepped an invisible line. I reach to his neck, gently pulling him from behind towards me and our lips meet, and then part. His tongue is deliciously soft when it curls around mine. He tastes sweet, a mix of the ice-cream and the mints he was chomping on the train. I lose myself for a few moments, enjoying a strange tranquillity. There’s no rush, we have peace and the time that brings.
When he moves his hand to the bottom of my top, I’m thankful. It’s right. His touch brushes my skin and I sigh. His palm slides with ease up and down my back, slowly caressing every small fragment. I reach under his shirt, it’s loose and cold air mingles with the heat of his torso, I tremble. His hands run along the front of my body, I shudder as his slightest stroke sends bursts of electric searing through my insides.
His fingers tickle as they run up my front, lingering under my armpit, stroking forwards and then stopping short of my breasts. I raise my arm higher, showing I want him to continue his trail of discovery. He teases his thumb under the lower edge of my bra, pulling me towards him ever so slightly. My knees splay open.
I'm panting as I fiddle with the bottom button on his shirt, the fabric is folded and I have to tug it out of a crease. He shifts, and I slowly unbutton each in turn. Our eyes lock as inch by slow inch I uncover his chest. I slip both hands inside and slide each edge, exposing his bare flesh. He pants as I move beneath
the cotton, to his shoulders and slip his garment away. He struggles to free his cuffs as I drink him in. He’s more toned than I’d anticipated, and I trail a finger towards his belt. His head jolts up and he gives me a cute little wink but grabs me, stopping my movement dead.
He is under my top again now and without warning, he unclasps my bra releasing my breasts, nipples catching on the material, standing alert. He lifts my top above my head and nuzzles into my softness. He kisses, nibbles, tweaks; caresses, nips and sucks at my flesh, flitting between sensations, not letting me enjoy one for too long, maintaining tension - and increasing my longing.
His whole effect is hypnotic. Gentle indulgence, transports me to another place. I don’t know how it happens, but I’m naked and he’s between my legs, his tongue probing and tormenting my swollen wanting. I drift away again, abandoning thoughts and breathe into the intensity of his touch. He strokes my ankles, behind my knees, the crease above my groin, under my arms and down to my elbows. He blows where his mouth has been, cool air electrifying my nerves. He slides his fingers within me, explores, circling high and then back out; circling again. Then together broad circles, agonising my pleasure receptors. I reach for his trousers, he’s naked too. Our eyes lock again and he lowers down, his pulsing hardness already covered.
As he glides inside me, it’s the most natural emotion in the world. We move as one, bodies sealed. He’s deep but gentle; passionate, yet calm as he moves slow, hard and long. I push against him, lift my hips granting him further access to my most private self. My head collapses as I arc my back. His red lips finds mine, tongues wild to explore. Our breath is rapid, he exhales inside my mouth and with a small gasp, speeds up, brisk pumps, hitting my spot and pushing me over the glorious edge in time with his.
He slumps on top of me and I relish the weight of this sensual man, enjoying the flicker of his after effect. As I relax, my mind drifts back to Lucy, or rather Giles.
