by Melanie Dawn
Before long, the endorphins coursed through my body, relaxing me. I didn’t even need a pill to help me fall asleep. Heavy, dreamless slumber came easily that night.
DANCING MY ASS off was exactly what I’d needed to unwind from the week. Besides, the university dance-a-thon was coming up, and I really needed to gear up for it. Every year, the sororities and fraternities got together to plan this twenty-four hour fundraiser. This year the Sigma Upsilon Pi and Zeta Theta Alpha houses were hosting it. Lance had already asked Brynlee to be his partner for the dance-a-thon. They were busy getting donations to help raise money for the local Ronald McDonald house.
“Dane asked me to be his dance partner. I was wondering if you’d want to go with Moss?” Gia asked late that night as we were lying in our beds, about to go to sleep.
Moss wasn’t my first choice, but he was a decent dancer. I felt pretty sure we’d make it the whole twenty-four hours. He was strong enough to hold me up if I got tired. “I guess,” I sighed.
Gia giggled.
“What’s so funny?” I groaned into my pillow. It was all I could do to hold my eyes open anymore.
“Well, he’s no Ryder, but he’ll do… Is that what you’re saying?” she asked.
Into the darkness, I insisted, “What? No!” But my adamant denial didn’t stop my heart from pounding in my chest.
“Well, that’s exactly what I heard in that sigh.” Gia was perceptive.
“Whatever,” I mumbled and rolled onto my side, pulling the blanket over my head.
I heard Gia softly singing from her side of the room. “Alexis and Ryder sittin’ in a tree…”
“Gia!” I couldn’t help the giggle that escaped next, so I clapped a hand over my mouth.
“Told ya,” she teased.
“Oh my god! Go to sleep!” Closing my eyes, the picture of the dance-a-thon was clear in my head… and it wasn’t of me with Moss. I rolled over, trying to erase those thoughts of a certain silent, blue-eyed boy.
“PINK FLOYD LASER Show. You game?” Gia asked the next day as she blow-dried her hair in front of the mirror.
I hesitated, “I don’t know. I have a test I need to study for.” That was partly true. Honestly, I just wasn’t sure how up to anything I was.
Gia continued waving the hairdryer around her head. “Aw, come on. It’ll be fun,” she pleaded, looking at me through the reflection in the mirror. “I think they’re gonna show the Dark Side of the Rainbow afterwards.”
“The Dark Side of the Rainbow?” I asked, cocking an eyebrow.
Gia nodded. “Yeah. You know, where they sync up that Pink Floyd album with The Wizard of Oz.”
I rolled my eyes. “Oh, that. Sounds like it’ll just be a bunch of college students tripping on acid, if you ask me.”
Gia laughed. “Well, there might be a few. But honestly, we’d just be going to have a good time and hang out with friends.”
“Hang out with friends? Does that mean you’ll be hooking up with Dane or some new guy tonight?” I teased.
She threw a hairbrush toward me, laughing. “Shut up. You know the best thing about being single in college is not being tied down to anyone. I can ‘hook up’—” using air quotes for emphasis “—with whoever I want.” Then she thought for a few seconds before continuing with a sly grin, “But if you must know, Dane is a much better kisser than Brett was.”
I laughed. She’d barely given Brett a second thought since he’d left. Dane, however, she’d been texting most of the afternoon.
I considered her offer. I’d never seen a laser show before, and the synced up movie thing sounded kinda interesting. “Okay. I’ll go,” I sighed.
Before long, we were spreading our blankets out under the stars in the quad. A giant blow-up movie screen was at one end of the quad and large speakers were placed throughout. Gia had texted Dane to let him know where we were sitting. It wasn’t long before the guys found us and plopped down beside us.
Blankets and people littered the quad. Some were sitting in groups. Some were cuddled as couples. Several were tossing footballs and Frisbees back and forth. Conversations swirled around us. Laughter filled the cool, night air. Somehow my mind drifted to Ryder… I wondered if he was sitting somewhere in the crowd, or if he was sitting in his dorm… alone.
When the show began, Gia was already sitting between Dane’s legs. His arms were wrapped around her as she leaned back into his chest. He was whispering in her ear, and she was giggling. That easy display of intimacy had me a little envious. I wished it were me who had a set of arms wrapped firmly around me, cuddling me in the darkness.
Halfway into the show, Brynlee and Lance disappeared, probably gone to Lance’s room in the SigUp house. Most people were either dancing in their group or snuggling with someone on their blanket. Gia and Dane were busy making out next to me while I tried to ignore them. I’d grown bored of the movie and found myself gazing at the stars above.
Lying there all alone, my skin suddenly prickled, and I felt certain that Ryder was nearby. I glanced around. Sure enough, a few feet away, Ryder was lying back on his blanket, propped up by his elbows. Now that his hair was shorter, he wasn’t hiding behind his veil of shame. His bright eyes sparkled under the light of the moon. I smiled at him. He didn’t smile back, but he didn’t return an angry glare either. He just kept his gaze on me. It wasn’t as unnerving as his stares used to be. In a way, it seemed pleasant… friendly, even. He shot a sidelong glance at Gia and Dane beside me. I wondered if he knew how uncomfortable I felt, third wheel and all. He fixed his eyes on me again then glanced at the open seat next to him on the blanket.
Is he inviting me to sit with him?
I pointed at myself and then at the open spot next to him, questioning his gesture. He cocked his head slightly, still returning an indifferent expression, but not really indicating one way or another.
Fine.
Sighing, I stood up swiftly and walked over to him. He shifted over slightly, welcoming me to his space, so I sat down beside him. A soft hint of masculinity invaded my senses as the air wafted around me. I was immediately reminded of our kiss, shivering at the thought. He scooted a little closer to me in response. He must’ve thought I was cold.
Still unsure of how to act around him since he’d practically thrown me out of his room, I tried to break the awkwardness between us. “The first twenty minutes of the movie was actually pretty cool. Now I’m just bored,” I complained, “but I can’t leave without Gia, and she’s nowhere near ready to go yet.” I glanced back at the heap of their writhing bodies on the blanket a few feet away.
Ignoring Gia and Dane, Ryder lay down on his back, bringing his hands behind his head. I followed suit, leaning back against the softness of the fleece. Ryder turned his head to face me. His too-close proximity stirred something in me—the same feeling that consumed me that night in his dorm room. To avoid the strange feeling, I ignored his stare and gazed back up toward the night sky.
“I love watching the stars. It’s where I find my happy place,” I whispered. I could still feel his eyes on me in the darkness, watching me. A warm feeling billowed through me.
After a few silent moments, I saw him out of the corner of my eye, break his gaze from me and turn to look up at the stars, too.
Warding off any other strange sensations, I pointed toward the sky. “You see that cluster up there?”
He squinted his eyes, trying to decipher the constellation to which I was referring.
“That one right there,” I said. “The one that looks like a cross.”
He glanced back at me once more, recognition registering in his expression.
“It’s Cygnus, the swan,” I said as he looked back up toward the sky. “It holds an epic story.”
Glancing at him, he seemed interested to hear it so I continued. “Cygnus and Phaethon were friends. Phaethon demanded that his father, the sun-god, let him drive the chariot of the sun. Although he’d been warned that the chariot was as hot as fire and the horses brea
thed flames, he insisted on driving it anyway. So he and Cygnus took off, racing across the sky.” I reached out, fanning my hand from left to right across the stars. Ryder’s eyes followed the movement.
“Phaethon quickly realized that he couldn’t control the horses. Zeus was afraid that he was going to burn up the earth with the fire breathing horses, so he struck Phaethon down with a lightning bolt, and Phaethon fell to his death.”
Ryder’s eyes grew with interest.
“Cygnus, overcome with grief, spent his days searching for his friend. It was a difficult task, but he finally found Phaethon’s body deep in a river. He begged Zeus for help. Zeus offered to transform him into a swan so he could dive deeper to retrieve his friend, but—” I paused for effect “—there was a catch. If Zeus transformed him, he would have to surrender his immortality. Cygnus agreed so he could give Phaethon a proper burial that would help send his friend to the afterlife. Zeus was so touched by Cygnus’s sacrifice that he put a swan in the stars to honor him. Even today, you will find mute swans floating around, quietly dunking their heads into the water and searching… always searching.”
I’d gotten lost in the story of the gods and the stars so much that I didn’t realize I’d been rambling. After a quiet moment, I noticed that Ryder wasn’t looking at the stars anymore—he was looking at me. He rolled over onto his side and propped himself up on his elbow. Our elbows had brushed as he’d moved. The feeling I felt from it, like a match striking against an abrasive surface, sent a spark of heat from the tip of my elbow to the tips of my toes.
Ryder’s new, spiky brown hair jutted out all over his head, but those startling, blue eyes were fixed on me, planting me in my spot. His eyes were glassy, his chest rising and falling with every breath. He looked like he might cry. I wanted to take that hurt away, so I slowly reached over and brushed my fingers against his.
The moment my fingers connected with his skin, my breath caught in my throat. Would he shove my hand away? Would he get angry and leave? Every nerve ending on my skin ignited despite my efforts to remain unfazed. Surprisingly, he didn’t jerk his hand away. Instead, he slowly curled his fingers around the edge of my hand while a flush of adrenaline tingled through my body. I caught his gaze, his expression pained. Maybe he’d forgiven me for throwing myself at him that night. Maybe he was willing to forget how desperate I’d seemed. What I wouldn’t give to hear him voice his thoughts…
Suddenly, he was in my face, pushing me back against the blanket with the weight of his body. Shocked, yet relieved, I welcomed him. The fiery intensity of his eyes momentarily paralyzed me as I lay pinned beneath him. His rapid breaths were hot on my skin, molten with restrained desire. And that’s when I realized… he didn’t need to voice his thoughts. I could hear him loud and clear.
“Don’t hold back,” I breathed, barely giving him permission before he quickly pressed his mouth to mine.
What began as a tender kiss rapidly became wild and frenzied as he nipped and sucked my eager lips. I drank him in, tangling my tongue with his. A quiet moan escaped my throat as the raw heat of his kiss pushed me to the brink of madness. This was exactly what I’d wanted. What I’d been craving. What I hadn’t known I’d needed until this very moment.
He scooped his hand under my head, cradling it, as his hungry mouth ravaged mine. An ache for something more throbbed between my legs as he pressed himself firmly against me. I couldn’t resist him. I succumbed to him as I gripped his back and pulled him against me. His kisses were rough and frantic, crazy with need, and then suddenly—
He withdrew.
With a quick squeeze, he’d pursed his lips together and had released me from his grasp, falling back onto the fleece blanket with heavy sigh. I was breathless, still craving his touch, his mouth, his body. I beat back my disappointment. From where I was lying beside him, I could see that his lip trembled with pent up emotion. He couldn’t even look at me.
The horrified expression he’d given me the night I’d kissed him immediately flashed through my mind. “I—I’m sorry,” I stammered, burning up with regret. “I should go.” I glanced back toward my blanket, where Gia and Dane had finally come up for air. They were sitting up with their arms around each other, leaning their heads together.
Ryder didn’t try to stop me. He didn’t reach out to me again. He still couldn’t look me in the eye. Instead, he rolled over onto his other side, with his back toward me. I stared at him, simultaneously furious, hurt, and confused.
Without another word, I stood to my feet and walked back to Gia. “I’m ready to go,” I announced. “Are you ready yet?”
She glanced up at me. One look and she knew something was up. Like the good friend that she was, she didn’t ask questions. She just said, “Yes.” She gave Dane, who offered to walk us back to our dorms, a quick kiss.
Standing up, we gathered the blanket. I took one more look toward Ryder, but he was already gone. He’d disappeared into the crowd. I shook my head, feeling defeated.
On the walk home, Gia asked, “Where were you?”
Vaguely, I mumbled, “Just saw someone I knew.”
She must have heard it in my tone because she didn’t probe me further. Changing the subject, she asked, “Did you enjoy the show?”
I nodded, “It was pretty cool. I mean, the way it syncs up so perfectly… it’s wild.”
She smiled. “I know. It’s crazy.”
Sensing my need to end the small talk, we walked in silence the rest of the way back to our dorm.
I’D GATHERED MY stuff and took off before she even had a chance to look back. What the hell was I thinking? I wasn’t ready for this—to open myself up and have feelings for her. Get it together, Hawkley. This is not happening. Because feeling this meant feeling other things, and feeling anything was exactly what I’d been trying to avoid.
I marched straight back to my dorm room, grabbed my pool bag, and took off for Cagney’s. I needed a little game of pool to clear my head.
The story of Cygnus hit a little too close to home. Loss of life. Diving into water to retrieve a body. Mute swans who spent their lives searching. There I was, just like a swan, spending my days in silence and searching… searching for answers.
Why did I put those stupid headphones on?
Why did I get lost in the game and forget about my sister?
Why wasn’t I paying more attention?
Why couldn’t I bring her back?
And then there was this beautiful girl, who made my head swim, as if everything I’d been searching for was lying right beside me on that blanket. Why couldn’t I just let myself dive headfirst into this feeling I’d been fighting?
“Ryder,” Vivian said as I walked through the door of Cagney’s, “Back so soon?”
Vivian, a fiery red-head and middle-aged bartender, stood behind the counter. She’d known me since the first time I’d stepped foot in Cagney’s. She’d learned early on that I wasn’t much for talking. Nevertheless, she was always friendly and welcoming. She usually got Tank, the cook, to fry me up some pickles or homemade chips on the house.
I made my way back to my usual table to get set up. Racking the balls and chalking my stick, I prepared for a quick game of eight-ball. When I played alone, I challenged myself to hit the balls in numerical order. Sometimes I changed it up, hitting solids first then stripes, to keep me on my toes.
“Here you go, hun,” Vivian said as she placed a cold glass of Cheerwine on one of the tables near me. Clearing her throat, she said, “You doin’ okay? You don’t look so good.” She stood there, twirling a strand of her bright, orange hair around her finger.
Dodging a response, I sidestepped her tapping toe and focused on getting the billiard balls tight in the triangle. She continued to stand there, knowing she wasn’t going to get an answer. I wasn’t trying to be rude. I caught her gaze trying to let her know that. So many times Vivian had almost gotten me to speak. So many times she’d sat down at my pool table when Cagney’s wasn’t busy and talked to
me about her life, about her family, about her regular customers. Just last week, with tears in her eyes, she told me Ralph Tucker, one of the old guys who came in to have a beer on occasion while I was here, had suffered a heart attack and had passed away. I came so close to telling her how sorry I was to hear that. I came so close to reaching out and hugging her, but I couldn’t. I wanted to, but like always, something stopped me. Just as I was about to lay my pool stick down and reach out to her, my chest tightened and I started to sweat. I felt a panic attack coming on, so I didn’t. I just continued to stare at the cue ball, trying to focus on sinking the next ball and let her chatter on.
I shot a sidelong glance in her direction. She still stood rooted to her spot, watching me with creased eyebrows.
“I know you ain’t much for talking,” she said, “but I feel like you’ve known me long enough. If you ever need someone to talk to, I’ll be here. You hear me? I’ll be right here.”
I pursed my lips and hit the cue ball with such force the balls spread entirely across the table. Glancing back at Vivian, I tried to show her my gratitude with a warm expression. It had been so long since I’d shown any warmth to anyone that I wasn’t sure if I was conveying it properly.
She smiled. “Well, alright then. I’ll let you get back to your game.” She turned around and made her way back behind the counter.
I continued to hit the balls one by one, over and over into the pockets. I paced the floor, around and around the table, sinking ball after ball into a hole. Every now and then, I’d catch myself staring off into space, unable to focus on my next move. As soon as I’d realize it, I’d take a deep breath, tuck my chin, and get eye level with the cue ball again.
After a while, I carried my watered down Cheerwine to the bar where Vivian stood. She took the glass from my hand, grinning from ear to ear.
“It’s about a girl, isn’t it?” she asked, eyeing me as she poured the liquid down the sink.
