by Melanie Dawn
I’d stood in the bathroom, gripping the edge of the counter and arguing silently with myself in the mirror. You don’t deserve her. Fight this, Hawkley. Don’t shut Alexis out. Let her in. Chloe died, and it’s all your fault. Don’t push Alexis away. Cat got your tongue? You fucking pussy. Fight!
So, I’d come out of the bathroom and had played the song that would tell her exactly how I felt—that she was everything I needed her to be. And I wanted to be the same for her.
I had to push back against the rage, the guilt, and the grief. I wasn’t going to run away. I couldn’t do that to her. Hurting someone else to protect myself wasn’t worth it.
I WOKE UP the next morning, afraid to move. Ryder’s arms were wrapped firmly around me. He was still asleep, breathing soundly. However, my aching bladder encouraged me to slide out from under his heavy arms to find relief in his bathroom. I grabbed my clothes off the floor and headed inside to get dressed. Just as I was finishing up, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. Taming my rat’s nest, I ran my fingers through my hair. I found a bottle of mouthwash on the sink, so I quickly gargled it to get rid of my morning breath. When I opened the bathroom door, I found Ryder, with his back to me, sitting at his desk. He was quietly turning the pages of a large sketchbook.
“You’re up,” I said softly.
As I walked toward him, I noticed a stuffed elephant perched on the corner of his dresser, and it dawned on me. So, he was the sad boy? Suddenly, it all began to make sense.
Wrapping my arms around him from behind, I leaned over his shoulder and whispered in his ear, “It was you. My sister gave Lucy to you.”
He didn’t respond, but kept turning the pages slowly, revealing sketch after sketch of a little girl on a swing, or in a tutu, or running barefoot in a creek. Then he turned the next page of the sketchbook to a scene of a little girl by a pond, holding a stuffed animal. “Zoe?” I asked.
He glanced up at me then focused on a picture frame on the shelf. I reached up, taking the photo down and wiping the dust off the glass. It was a picture of him and a little girl about Zoe’s age. She was hugging him from behind with a big smile on her face. Soft tendrils of hair curled around her head. She had his eyes. Both of them were smiling. He looked so happy.
I looked back at him. He seemed haggard in comparison to the picture, like the zest of life had been ripped from him. He’d been through so much since the photo had been taken. “Such a beautiful little girl.” It was all I could think to say.
He took the photo from my hands, staring at it as if it were the first time in a long time. His eyes glossed over, lost in thought. Slowly running a finger over her face, his lip quivered with repressed emotion.
“She’d be so proud of you,” I told him as he carefully replaced the frame on its shelf.
Reaching for my hand, he pulled me down onto his lap. I curled myself against his chest. Just be. My mother’s words echoed in my mind. I didn’t need to say anything. I just needed to be there for him. So together we sat in the quiet stillness of his room while he showed me page after page of the memories he’d sketched of his sister.
BEFORE LONG, MY stomach began to growl. “I better get back to my dorm before my roommate sends a search party out for me.”
Ryder smiled, squeezing my hand. I wondered if he wanted me to stay or if he wanted to go with me, or hell, if he was even hungry too. It was impossible to know, and it drove me half insane.
“Want to meet me at the cafeteria later? Say, about noon?” I wanted to grab a quick shower beforehand.
He smiled again.
“So… yes?” I asked, biting the inside of my cheek. If only I could read minds…
He didn’t respond, but grabbed his gray sweats and a T-shirt from the pile on his chair. He slipped them on quickly and grabbed his keys from his night stand. I assumed he was going to walk me back to my dorm, and I was right.
He held my hand all the way back to my dorm. We walked the cobbled path in silence, listening to the early morning sounds of the birds in the trees. Just as we were approaching my building, he wrapped his arm around my shoulder and gave me a gentle squeeze.
“So, about lunch…” I questioned him, my voice trailing.
Stopping in the doorway of the main entrance, he turned to face me. With the same smile still pasted on his face, he leaned in and gave me a quick kiss on the nose.
I grinned. “I’ll take that as a yes, then.”
He winked at me then turned around to leave.
With a flutter in my belly, I called after him, “See you later then!”
He threw his hand up in acknowledgement. I watched him until he turned the corner to head back to his dorm. Then I floated to the elevator and down the hall to my room.
Gia was sitting on her bed, watching television, when I opened the door. Grinning she said, “Oh my god, girl, did you finally come up for air?”
I smirked, looking at the box of condoms on her nightstand. “You’re one to talk!”
She smiled, grabbing the box and stuffing it into a drawer. “So,” she said expectantly, “how was it?”
I fell back onto my bed, staring up at the ceiling. With a heavy sigh, I said, “Amazing.”
I MET ALEXIS for lunch that day and every day after that for several weeks. The first day we sat at a small table for two in the back corner of the cafeteria. One-sided conversations might sound like they’d be awkward, but not for Alexis. She’d prattle on about her day, but sometimes we’d sit in silence and she seemed perfectly okay with it. She didn’t seem to be bothered by my lack of conversation. The next day and the following days we found a quiet spot in the quad, beneath a tall oak tree. We sat on the grass, soaking up the sun rays, despite the chill in the autumn air. Occasionally we’d get a few curious stares from people who probably wondered what she was doing with a freak like me, but we ignored them.
We’d lay in the grass with her head on my chest, listening to the sounds of people walking by with their dogs on leashes or of students flying by on bicycles. Sorority girls came by in droves, all wearing matching T-shirts that sported their sorority’s Greek letters. Life continued to happen all around us while we stayed cuddled up in pure bliss.
Alexis never pushed me to talk. She didn’t beg to hear my voice or plead for me to say a word. She was comfortable in the quiet stillness of my presence. Occasionally, I’d pull out my sketchbook and draw her while she talked to me. She’d complain that she wasn’t pretty enough to be sketched, but I’d brush her off and keep etching the lines of her beautiful profile onto the paper. Her true beauty radiated from the page—softness, innocence, and kindness.
As content as I felt with her body against mine, there was still an emptiness in my chest that couldn’t quite be filled—a gaping hole that neither sleeping pills nor amazing sex could heal. On one particularly crisp, sunny day, I took Alexis by the hand and led her toward the parking lot of my dorm. I was eager to get somewhere.
“Where are we going?” she asked, her feet lagging a step or two behind me.
Of course I couldn’t tell her, and she didn’t ask again. She’d learned just to trust me and follow my lead. My recurring nightmares and my flooding memories nagged at me. I just needed to get off campus for a while.
I opened the passenger seat of my grandfather’s 1964 restored Porsche.
“Wow. Nice ride,” Alexis breathed as she sank down into the seat.
Swinging the door closed, I walked around to the driver’s side and sank down beside her. I cranked up the engine and pulled out of the parking space with one destination in mind.
“This campus is so beautiful in the fall,” Alexis said absently, watching the colorful trees blur by her window.
I couldn’t agree more. Autumn was my favorite season of the year. As we drove in silence, I couldn’t help but think back in time.
“Again, again!” Chloe shrilled, her then two-year-old voice piercing my ears. She jumped up, dusting the leaves off her belly and ran back several feet.
She waited anxiously for me to rake the leaves into a big pile for her to jump in for the tenth time.
When the pile got big enough, I called to her, “Okay. Go!”
She giggled and ran toward the pile with full force, flinging herself into the giant mound of colorful Autumn leaves. “Again, again!” she yelled before she’d even climbed out of them yet.
I laughed, picking her up and swinging her high above my head.
She screamed, throwing her arms out. “I fwying!” she cried.
I swung her over my head and placed her on my shoulders. She reached down, clasping my chin. Her arms just barely long enough to wrap around my head. “Wun Wyduh! Wun!”
So, I ran. I ran as fast as I could back to the house, Chloe’s laughter ringing in my ears the whole way.
We were both out of breath when we’d reached the kitchen where my mom was cooking dinner. Before I could put Chloe down, she told Mom, “I jump in da weaves, Mommy! Wyduh hewp me!”
Mom smiled at me, warmth and pride filling her expression. “You’re the best,” she said, thankful I’d given her a small break after a long day of temper tantrums and potty-training.
I put Chloe down. With a nod toward my mom, I acknowledged her gratefulness. Before I could leave the kitchen, Chloe hugged my leg, wrapping her arms firmly around my thigh. “You da best,” she said, echoing Mom’s words.
I reached down, ruffling her curly hair. “No, you are,” I told her then headed out the door toward my room. I’d promised Fletch that I’d be kicking his ass on the Xbox after school. I was already thirty minutes late.
As I was walking down the hall, Chloe yelled, “No, you aw!”
Just as I was closing the door to my bedroom, I yelled back, winning the argument, “No, you!”
I didn’t hear anything after that because I’d quickly slipped on my headset and found myself lost in my game.
I think if I’d known that was the last time I’d jump in the leaves with my sweet Chloe, I would have spent more time outside with her that day.
Before I knew it, we were there. Alpine Cemetery.
“Is this where she’s buried?” Alexis asked softly, taking in the vast acreage of headstones and mausoleums.
I drove down the paved path toward her grave. I’d been there dozens of times, but this was the first time I’d ever brought someone. I just felt like I needed to introduce Chloe to Alexis—like I needed her approval or something. Suddenly, I wasn’t so sure what the hell I was doing. The closer we got to Chloe’s grave, the more panicked I felt. I’d always been alone when I’d visited Chloe. I’d always shed silent tears in peace, without the company of others. What if Chloe didn’t like Alexis? What if she wouldn’t approve? Oh, who the hell am I kidding? It’s not like Chloe would rise up out of her grave and give me a thumbs up or anything.
You’re losing it again, Hawkley, I reminded myself.
As if Alexis could sense my fear, she reached over, placing her soft hand on my thigh. “We don’t have to do this if you’re not ready,” she said.
But I was ready. More ready than I’d ever been. I looked at Alexis. How could Chloe not love her? She was amazing in every way.
I pulled up to the area where Chloe was buried, glancing at Alexis as if to say, ‘We’re here.’ Taking a deep breath, I suddenly felt silly for showing up empty-handed. I should have brought flowers or a teddy bear. Something to prove to Chloe that she was still my number one girl.
I knew what I could do. I reached behind the seat, grabbing the sketchbook I kept hidden back there for anytime inspiration struck me. I’d draw Chloe a picture.
Climbing out of the car, I tucked the sketchbook under my arm. Alexis was already getting out of the car as I walked around to her side. I curled my arm around her shoulder, pulling her toward me.
I wasn’t sure if I wanted to support her or if I needed her for support, all I knew was that I needed her close. I closed the door behind her and turned toward the rows and rows of headstones, immediately spotting Chloe’s. Double hearts carved from black granite with two angels resting on the base. A picture of Chloe’s beautiful face had been sandblasted onto the granite. The words ‘Safe in the arms of Jesus,’ were etched above her picture. I swallowed a lump that had formed in the back of my throat.
Alexis wrapped her arm firmly around my waist, hugging me. “It’s okay,” she whispered.
I walked with her by my side until we reached Chloe’s grave. Dropping to my knees, I stared at Chloe’s smiling face on the headstone.
Hey, Peanut.
Alexis squatted beside me, patting me softly on the back. “Chloe Danielle Hawkley,” she said, reading the words on the granite. “A beautiful name for a beautiful girl.” Her voice cracked.
Chloe, this is Alexis. I glanced at Alexis, whose warm hand heated mine as she held it. She was watching me as I fought tears. With a sympathetic smile, she squeezed my hand.
“Hey, sweet girl,” Alexis said toward the headstone, reaching for a clump of weeds that had grown and tangled around one of the cherub statue’s legs. She pulled the weeds and tossed them to the side. “There,” she said softly and grabbed another handful. “That’s better.”
I’m sorry I haven’t been to see you in a while, Peanut. Things have just been so busy lately. You understand, don’t you? I glanced toward the heavens, hoping my thoughts didn’t fall on deaf ears.
I opened the sketchbook and began to draw. Glancing at Alexis, I was suddenly inspired. I knew exactly what I wanted Chloe to have. Alexis made herself busy, pulling weeds and straightening the silk flowers my mom must’ve placed recently. They hadn’t even begun to fade yet. When she’d done all she could do, she sat quietly, waiting for me to finish.
I looked at the completed sketch of two swans floating on a pond. Their beaks were touching, causing their heads and necks to form the shape of a heart. I loved and missed my precious sister more than she would ever know. And like Cygnus sacrificed his immortality to find his friend, I would give up everything to bring Chloe back. Tearing the page out, I placed it at the base of Chloe’s headstone. For my number one girl…
“Thank you for bringing me here,” Alexis said, as I clasped her hand, tangling my fingers with hers. “It really means a lot to me.”
I smiled, hoping Chloe approved of this girl I was falling hopelessly in love with. With one final glance at Chloe’s smiling face, I turned with Alexis by my side, to walk in silence back toward my car. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a gust of wind nearly knocked us off our feet. A blast, so strong, blew from behind us that I had to clutch Alexis to me to keep her from falling down.
“What the…” Alexis said, trying to maintain her footing.
And then a sound, similar to rustling leaves flapped at Alexis’s back. I peeked behind her, gasping at the sight. The picture I’d drawn for Chloe was pressed firmly against Alexis’s shirt, held there by the force of wind.
My words immediately echoed in my mind. For my number one girl…
I glanced back at the picture of Chloe’s angelic face on her headstone. You got me, Peanut. And for the first time ever, I smiled toward my sister’s gravesite.
I FOUND MYSELF smiling more and more lately. Every hug, every kiss, every second I spent with Alexis made me feel a little stronger every day. And yet, I still couldn’t bring myself to utter a sound.
My therapist tried earnestly to help me find the courage, but to no avail. I sat across from her one afternoon at the end of a particularly draining session.
“I sense something in you,” Leslie said, crossing her legs and leaning back into her chair. “A change… or… or something.”
I glanced down at the floor, wondering what it was that she sensed.
“I don’t know what it is,” she continued, “but, there’s something. You don’t seem as… I don’t know… belligerent as usual.”
Immediately lifting my eyes, I caught her gaze. She cocked her head a little, narrowing her eyes, as if she could read my thoughts.
“Som
ething, or someone rather, has had an effect on you.”
As soon as the words were out of her mouth, I dropped my gaze again. She’d caught me. She knew. Alexis’s effect on me was shining through me like a train’s light in a dark tunnel.
“A girl, maybe?” Leslie asked, clasping her hands and laying them in her lap.
I couldn’t deny it. I didn’t want to. A smile crept across my face as I raised my head once again to look Leslie in the eye.
My grin startled Leslie so much that she leapt from her seat and clapped her hands together. “I knew it!”
I just sat there, grinning like a fool.
“I knew it!” she repeated. “This is exactly what you need, Ryder.” She walked toward me and grabbed my hands, pulling me from my chair. “This is a step in the right direction. A step toward healing.” She stood in front of me with tears pooling in her eyes. “I truly hope she can see past your silence. I hope she can help you find your voice again.” Her lip trembled as she spoke.
I could only hope.
Our time ended, and while I still hadn’t spoken, I walked away from my therapy session with a renewed faith that everything would be all right.
AND THEN IT wasn’t.
“Wyduh!” Chloe’s voice shrilled in my head. “Wyduh! Help me!”
But I didn’t help. I sat on my bed with my hands over my ears, trying to block out the noise—static, white noise that came from my television.
“Wyduh! Please!”
I sat like a statue, trying to make the deafening buzz disappear. I clamped my hands tighter against my head with every scream.
And then there was silence.
No laughter. No screaming. No static, white noise. There was only the thumping sound of my heart. The beat of it pounded out the words… guilty, guilty, guilty…
I awoke, unable to catch my breath from the same throb of guilt in my throat. She needed me. Remorse gripped my chest like a python squeezes its prey. I wasn’t there. Shame filled my head, crowding out all other thoughts. I didn’t save her.
