by Melanie Dawn
“Ryder? Are you okay?” I asked, cocking my head a little.
Ryder ran a jerky hand through his hair. Biting his lip, his gaze flitted back and forth between the three of us as we stood there.
I reached out, placing a hand over his as it still gripped the door. “Ryder, baby, what’s wrong?”
With a pensive expression, as if he wasn’t sure if he should draw me in or flick my hand off of his, he stared at my fingers as they caressed his skin.
Just then, his eyes flashed to mine. Blinking rapidly, he loosened his death grip on the door and dropped his hands by his sides. His eyes were vacant, haunted. His Adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed.
“Please, Ryder, what’s going on?” I pleaded with him, knowing he wouldn’t tell me.
His eyes flashed to the pill bottle on his bedside table, having been knocked over—empty.
“The pills…” my voice trailed. He’d been on a binge again. “But, why?” I asked, tears stinging my eyes.
Ryder stared at the floor, lowering his chin to his chest. His shoulders hunched with defeat. Slowly shaking his head back and forth, he let out a long, low breath.
I swallowed back the lump in my throat. I wasn’t enough. I wasn’t enough to get him to stop taking the pills. I thought what we had would be all he’d need to stop, but it wasn’t. So while Tim had been feeling me up at the party last night, Ryder had been overdosing on his meds. While he was supposed to be my protector, my knight in shining armor, my everything, he was too busy popping sleep aids or whatever the hell those stupid pills were.
I glared at him, unsure if I was furious or broken, or both. My chin trembled as the first tear slid hopelessly down my cheek. I thought he wanted to change. I began to feel weak in the knees as I took a deep breath, reaching for Gia to steady myself.
“Come on, Alexis,” she whispered, wrapping her arm around my shoulder. “Let’s go.”
I pressed a heavy hand against my chest. Somehow I felt as though the pressure would prevent my heart from breaking. But it was too late. The damage had already been done.
All I could do was nod as Gia pulled me away from Ryder’s door. “Let’s go to Mama D’s,” she urged.
Ryder stood there, motionless, watching me leave. I only know that because I kept looking over my shoulder as we walked toward the elevator.
I thought love would be enough.
I must’ve said those words aloud because Gia whispered softly as she wrapped her arm around my shoulder, “I know you did.”
AS SOON AS she was out of sight, I slammed the door and fell against it. The hurt in her eyes felt like daggers to my soul. All I ever did was hurt people—Chloe, my mom, and in some warped way, my dad. Now Alexis. I just needed to disappear to a place where I couldn’t break anyone’s heart. To a place where no one needed me. Where no one cared.
I collapsed onto my bed, staring at the ceiling. I’d never forgive myself for being so fucking stupid. I’d basically screwed up the best thing that had ever happened to me. Just when I’d started to cope with everything—just when I’d started to let someone in—I’d lost it all by choosing the pills over her.
I didn’t know how long I’d stayed stretched out on my bed—an hour maybe—long enough to feel the lingering effects of the drugs in my system. I dozed off for a little bit. After a while, my phone pinged with an incoming text from Fletcher. I’d had the same phone number since high school, and I probably had about two hundred unanswered texts from him. Regardless, he still texted me the way he did when we were juniors.
Hey. Is Alexis OK? I walked the girls home from the party last night. Just wanted to check on her since Tim cornered her again.
Shit! Tim cornered her? Again? And I wasn’t there! The thought of Tim, with his hands on Alexis, exploded in my head. I bolted up, wide awake from the realization that the hurt in Alexis’s eyes was more than just the fact that I’d taken a few pills. It was because I hadn’t been there for her. I’d let her down, just like I’d let my sister down. I wasn’t fucking there!
My heart pounded in my chest just as my fist connected with the wooden door with as much force as I could muster. Pain jolted through my knuckle and radiated up my arm. Serves you right, asshole!
I couldn’t breathe—couldn’t think. I rubbed my face in my hands, trying to make sense of it all. She’d needed me, and where the hell was I? Drugged up and passed out in the bed because I couldn’t cope with the hand life had dealt me. Hell, after what I’d done, she probably never wanted to speak to me again.
But the longer I stood there, the more I realized that regardless if she wanted anything to do with me, I needed to at least go and check on her. I couldn’t live with myself thinking she’d been physically assaulted at some fucking party, and I hadn’t been there to protect her. I needed to show her how truly sorry I was. So I threw on a clean T-shirt, slid my wallet into my back pocket, and headed out the door to find her.
I SIDE-STEPPED the door of her building as a group of girls came barreling out. I stepped onto the elevator with a sense of hope. Maybe she could find it in her heart to forgive me. Maybe she would see how deeply I regretted not being there for her. Maybe I would march her down to the police station to fill out a report on Tim. I would wrap my arms around her and show her how much I needed her—how much she meant to me. Maybe she would cry and tell me that somehow we would work it out. If I could just kiss some sense into her, I thought everything might be okay.
Of all the things I wasn’t sure, one thing was certain. I never expected to see what I saw the moment I stepped out of that elevator onto her floor. What the…? There she was, getting cozy in the arms of her ex-boyfriend, the same asshole who pushed her off the bridge that night. My heart leapt into my throat at the sight of them. Fuck.
He was cradling her in his arms, staring down at her as if the sun and the moon had aligned perfectly for them in that moment. My heart stopped. Every molecule of air in my lungs escaped. It was all I could do not to punch a hole in the wall, but I couldn’t feel my fingers. Although I knew I deserved it, it still didn’t hurt any less. Her look of surprise and embarrassment when she saw me, felt like razorblades slicing through me. I stumbled back toward the elevator. I had to get the hell out of there.
“Ryder?” she called, tearing herself away from his loving grasp. “Ryder! Wait!”
But it was too damn late. I’d hopped back onto that elevator as if it were the last lifeboat on a sinking ship. A sinking ship. That’s exactly what Alexis and I had become, and it had been all my fault. Panic flooded me, and I knew I couldn’t bear to even look at her.
Alexis ran toward me. The doors were beginning to close. “Ryder, stop! Please. It’s not what you think!” she screamed.
I knew what I saw. There was no denying it. I pushed the button for the bottom floor, punching an angry fist against the closed, metal doors. Dammit!
When I got outside, I sat down on a bench, wondering what to do next. My head couldn’t piece one thought together. Seeing her in his arms like that punched me straight in the gut. For that split second, I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t move. All I could do was stare at her, wishing I could go back to the beginning of the semester and drop Psych 10 like I’d almost done to begin with. Maybe I never would have met her. Maybe I could go back to being the same bitter Ryder I’d been since the day after Chloe’s accident. Maybe I could go back to hating the world. Alexis had changed all that. I was beginning to see things differently. Sure, I’d had my setbacks. My flashbacks, nightmares, and panic attacks hadn’t completely disappeared yet. I still took one too many pills on occasion, but I’d been healing. I’d been trying—because of her.
Because of her, my therapist could sense a difference in me. Because of her, I saw joy where there was once bleakness. Because of her I could breathe again. I was actually living.
One setback and I’d lost her. I had everything going for me, and I had to go and screw it all up. Again.
I angrily kicked backward at the steel l
eg of the bench, hoping to relieve some tension. Pain shot up the back of my heel. I gripped the edge of the seat, fighting against the pain. In some bizarre way, the pain in my foot took the edge off the pain in my chest.
Just then, the door of her dorm slammed open, banging against the door stopper on the brick wall. The dude that Alexis had just been cuddled up with in the hallway came waltzing out, and I considered hauling off and punching him in the jaw. I watched him traipse down the stairs in no hurry to get anywhere. Glancing up, he caught a glimpse of me. For a moment, we stared each other down. I wondered what he was thinking and why Alexis wasn’t with him. He stalked past me with a smug look on his face.
I stared after him long after he was gone, not quite knowing how to process everything. Did I run up the stairs to her room and confront her? Did I go home and forget this happened, assuming I’d wake up from this drug-induced nightmare? Did I walk away and never look back because I didn’t deserve her anyway?
Eventually, I stopped over-thinking it. While I knew, deep down, she owned my heart, I also knew I couldn’t love her back the way she needed. That’s why she’d fallen right back into the arms of her ex-boyfriend. She needed security. I stood up, took one more look at the window that I knew belonged to her room, and walked back to my dorm.
I DON’T KNOW how long I sat in the hallway, hoping Ryder would come back. When I finally stumbled back to my room, emotionally drained and mentally exhausted, my knees buckled beneath me as I sank down onto my bed. If only I could’ve gotten him to stop, I would have explained everything.
“What happened?” Gia asked, her eyes wide with worry.
Heaving sobs stole my breath as I stammered, “Ryder. He came. He… he saw me with Ian.” It was all I could do to string a sentence together. My mind felt pulled in a million different directions. What do I do? How can I make him understand?
Gia gasped. “Oh my god. What are you going to do?”
I shook my head, tears streaming down my cheeks. “I… I don’t know…” I just needed him to give me a chance. I knew that if he would stop to listen, he could have made sense of what he thought he saw. The look of hurt and anger in his eyes flooded me with fear.
When Gia and Brynlee had dragged me to breakfast this morning, I never knew that in a matter of an hour everything would change. The entire morning, leading up to the moment Ryder found me in Ian’s arms, replayed in my mind…
Mama D’s was packed with hungry patrons. It was a popular restaurant on campus, cheap and delicious. We always came out smelling like a greasy French fry, but the food was worth it.
I sat stoic, trying to keep my tears over Ryder from flowing. Brynlee and Gia didn’t broach the subject, knowing how on edge I was. I picked at my food, unable to enjoy the French toast drizzled with maple syrup and dusted with powdered sugar—my usual comfort food. But the last thing I felt was comforted. I just wanted to go back home, to get away from college for a while. I needed to get away from creepy weirdos and silent heartbreakers. Thankfully Thanksgiving break was just around the corner.
After eating mostly in silence, Gia piped up, “You guys ready to head out?”
I nodded, leaving half of my breakfast on the table. Little did I know of the surprise that was waiting for me at the door of my dorm room.
He was leaning against the wall with one foot propped up. The knee of his jeans was ripped to shreds. His arms were folded across his chest, clad in a black and white raglan shirt. A classic pair of Ray Bans hid his caramel brown eyes, while he sported his signature Twins baseball cap, backwards.
“Ian?” I questioned as I approached him.
Ian glanced up from his phone, pulling his shades off his face and sliding them onto the neck of his shirt.
Gia gasped beside me just as Brynlee groaned.
Ian slid his foot down from the wall, stood upright, and tucked his phone into his back pocket. “Alexis?” he responded, taking a step toward me.
“What… what are you doing here?” I stuttered, my voice a higher pitch than usual.
Ian looked at my friends then readjusted his baseball cap on his head, a nervous habit of his. “I… I just… I made a huge mistake, Alexis.”
Gia glanced at Brynlee then looked back at Ian. “Um, we’ll leave you two out here to sort this out. Come on, Brynlee,” she said, pulling her by the elbow toward the door.
Just as Brynlee passed by him, she hissed quietly, “Don’t you break her fucking heart again.”
Ian stared after Brynlee, swallowing hard. He stuffed his hands into the front pockets of his jeans and rocked back on his heels. Looking at the floor, he finally spoke again. “Look, Alexis, I know I don’t deserve it. I was an idiot, and I hurt the one person who meant the most to me.” Glancing up at me, his caramel-colored eyes swirled with doubt. “Will you please forgive me?”
Biting the inside of my lip, I didn’t know what to say or how to feel. Part of me wanted to leap into his arms. After all, he had been my best friend for the better part of four years. He was the one I’d given myself fully to, in more ways than one. He was my first love, the boy who first stole my heart.
The other part of me wanted to punch him square in the chest and cuss him for all he was worth. Instead, I looked into his pleading eyes. Seeing this vulnerable side of him pricked my heart a little.
I took a deep, ragged breath before I spoke. “I do forgive you, Ian. I forgave you right after you shattered my heart. I had to forgive you to move forward.”
Ian took a step toward me, reaching for me. I hesitated. While Ian would forever hold a piece of my heart that I could never get back, the rest of me still ached for Ryder. I knew I needed to get things right with Ryder.
But standing there and seeing Ian so broken over the consequence of losing me to his mistakes, I couldn’t help but feel… something. A twinge of guilt nudged me as I allowed Ian to envelop me in his arms.
I curled into him, breathing in his familiarity. He rested his chin on my head, just as he’d done hundreds of times before. There he was again… my best friend. It felt real. It felt comfortable. We stayed wrapped up like that for several seconds.
“I’m not asking you to take me back,” he assured me. “I just couldn’t live with myself knowing I’d hurt you so badly. I had to make things right again.”
I nodded against his chest, swallowing back the tickle in the back of my throat. “Thank you,” I whispered.
“I mean, after I hung up the phone that night, I couldn’t fucking think straight. I couldn’t write lyrics. I couldn’t sing. I couldn’t stop thinking about what a dick I was. I don’t deserve your forgiveness, I know, but I was hoping you could find it in your heart to forgive me anyway.”
I pulled back, looking up at him again. That familiar smile. Those familiar eyes. Everything about him reminded me of home—the one place that I just wanted to be at the moment. To sit on the front porch swing, with a glass of sweet tea, listening to Chris play the guitar. To sit at the kitchen table, watching my mom zip her way around the kitchen making dinner. To curl up in my bed, with my headphones on, hearing Ian’s newest song before it was even released. I would’ve given anything in that moment to be back there again, before all of the hurt and heartache.
But then there was Ryder, the silent boy who’d swept me right off my feet. The one who, at the very mention of his name, sent my heart fluttering in my chest. The one who made me feel things I’d never felt before. The one who looked into my eyes and took away all the pain and fear without ever saying a word. The one who needed me just as much as I needed him.
“Ian, you were my best friend. You opened my eyes to a lot of possibilities in life. You showed me what it meant to reach for the stars, and you persuaded me to fight my nerves and apply for one of the best colleges in the state. For that, I thank you. But, this…” I said, motioning to the space between us, “this can’t happen. I mean, us… we’re over. I can’t go back down that road again. I think you and I both know that it would never work out. I wo
uld hold you back from taking off on tour, and you would need me to be someone I’m not.”
Ian pursed his lips, but said nothing.
I continued. “I loved you once. I really did. And you will always hold a piece of my heart. But I’ve moved on. There’s someone—”
Just as I was about to finish my sentence, the doors of the elevator slid open and a disheveled Ryder stepped out. A mix of horror and confusion crossed his face as he realized that my ex-boyfriend still had his hands wrapped around my waist.
“Ryder?” I called out, just as he took a step back into the elevator.
I immediately pulled away from Ian. “I’m sorry, Ian. I… I can’t…” I didn’t know what to say. I just needed to get to that elevator before the doors closed.
“Ryder!” I yelled. “Wait!”
But it was too late. Ryder was pressing buttons with blind fury, and then the doors began to close.
I ran at them, slamming my fists against them. “Ryder, stop! Please. It’s not what you think!”
I sank down to the floor. “It’s not what you think,” I said again, softly this time. But it was too late. He was long gone.
Ian came over, crouching down beside me. “Isn’t that the guy who pulled you out of the lake at that party?”
I nodded, unable to speak. Silent tears spilled down my cheeks.
Ian nodded, a sudden look of understanding sweeping across his face. “I see,” he sighed.
I knew he was heartbroken. Maybe Ian came here thinking we could work things out. Maybe he’d hoped I’d run right back into his arms and into his life again. Maybe he’d wished we’d pick right back up where we left off. But we couldn’t. I didn’t. And we wouldn’t.
I wished I could say something to ease his pain, but the look on Ryder’s face still haunted me. I just sat there, my shoulders slumping.
