by Sarah Miller
She was surprised he hadn’t married yet. He was so handsome, so kind, and he had his parents’ old farm. There had to be girls interested.
He would find someone eventually. But it wouldn’t be her.
She could tell he still felt something for her. The way he looked at her, it set her stomach aflutter. Like she was the only thing in the world.
Even now, after two years.
If only he knew that no one could truly love her. Nor should they.
Back inside, she helped Aunt May get ready for bed.
“Gabe’s such a nice man, jah?” May asked as she pulled back her covers.
Katie smiled. “He is. It’s very kind of him to help with the porch.”
May tsked. “I told him he needn’t help, but he insisted! I know Klaus would have done it had I asked. . . I didn’t even notice.”
Katie stoked the fire in May’s wood stove. “Did you get cold last night? When I woke up, the fire had almost died.”
“No, I was fine.” May sat on the bed and undid her kapp. Her gray hair was pinned back at the base of her neck. When she took out the pins, it fell down below her waist. Like all Amish women it had never been cut and it was still luxurious even though it was completely gray. Her eyes were so kind as she looked over at Katie. “What about you, my dear? How are you doing?”
“Gut.”
May stood and walked over to her. She took Katie’s hands in her own wrinkled, soft fingers. “Truly?”
Katie nodded, looking down at their clasped hands. Her young, pale skin against May’s age spots. Every morning when Katie awoke in her new bed, safe and far from Mark and his family, a relief flooded over her, fresh and just as sweet as the day before. Then guilt settled in for feeling so free after her husband’s death. For praying, for deliverance from his cruelty. She never could have imagined that her deliverance would come from his death.
May squeezed Katie’s fingers. “You say so little, but I know there is much going on in your mind.”
“Jah,” Katie whispered. “I don’t know how to say any of it.”
“When you do, you can come to me. I love you.”
“I love you, too. Thank you so much for letting me stay here.”
“You will always have a home with me.”
It’s something she’d said before, many times, but only in the last few weeks did she realize how true it was. She could have gone back to her home to be with her parents, but her precious Aunt May was all alone in this house, even though her children weren’t far.
And Gabe was here.
That hadn’t been the main factor in Katie’s decision. Just a tiny nugget that pushed her toward this village instead of her own. A friend, someone she had known before she married Mark and her life changed forever.
Already he was making her feel like this place could become home.
She worried she’d said too much tonight when she mentioned Mark’s family. She didn’t want those dark times to affect what she had now. May, her child, their future together. Mark was out of her life forever.
She hugged May and led her back to the bed. “Gut night, Auntie.”
“Gut night, my sweet.”
* * *
He was yelling again. “Why do you have to be so stupid? Can’t you ever listen?”
Katie’s hands were trembling in her lap. She clenched them together, trying to still them. She should say something to him, but she wasn’t sure what. She stumbled over her words. “I’m sorry, I--”
“I told you, I told you so many times, and you ignore me and disrespect me.”
“Nee, I--”
“Nee?” His voice rose even more and she winced. He bent down, grabbed her arm, and shook her. “You don’t say ‘Nee’ to me. You say ‘Jah,' always ‘Jah,' nothing but ‘Jah.'”
“Jah,” she whispered. Her eyes stung from tears, and she furiously blinked them back. A few escaped, though, trickling down her cheeks. She raised a hand to wipe them away, but he grabbed her other arm.
“Are you crying?” His fingers were digging into her arms painfully, and she gasped as she shook her head. “You’re always crying! So stupid!”
He let go of her and stepped back.
The dream morphed as he stumbled on something on the ground. He fell back, crying out her name, and he kept falling, falling, and Katie was falling with him, down into darkness--
Katie awoke with a gasp, sitting up in her bed. Her heart pounded in her chest and blood rushed in ears, and a thin layer of sweat covered her body. She put a hand to her chest and felt her beating heart against her skin.
Just a dream.
Just another memory she’d tried to bury. During the day, she succeeded, helping May around the house, visiting with Klaus and Jane, meeting others in the district. But at night, her memories became nightmares, demanding her to remember, to relive every horrible moment.
Katie tried to recall good moments with Mark. The few times he could be kind. When they discovered she was pregnant, he had never looked so happy. He took her face in his hands and she winced, but he didn’t notice. He kissed her and said he loved her. He touched her stomach gently, the way he might touch someone he loved.
She rubbed her swollen belly, closing her eyes. He hadn’t loved her. He said it, more than once, but she knew. No one could love her.
She couldn’t get back to sleep, so she decided to rise early. She worked around the house tidying up, and then stepped outside. Fog clouded near the ground, blocking her view of the fields ahead of her. The sun was rising, its rays of light barely piercing the fog. She could see her breath in the air. Everything was still and calm, nothing like how she felt inside.
She had trouble praying ever since Mark’s death, but the beauty around her made her whisper, “Denke, Father. It’s beautiful.”
She pulled her shawl closer as she stood on the porch Gabe was almost finished repairing the porch. He’d been working on it all week, and she would bring him warm coffee and sometimes hot chocolate and speak with him. But soon, she would say she was distracting him from work and he would try to convince her to stay because he wanted company.
Katie smiled, shaking her head.
He wouldn’t be by today since it was a busy day on the farm with deliveries and a new calf. But she hoped to see him soon.
She went to take care of the chickens. May’s children had milk cows, but May only had five chickens that produced her eggs. She would be getting another goat soon, now that Katie was here to help her tend to it.
She’d only been here nine days and it already felt more like home than Mark’s district had. Mark’s family accepted her, but they turned their eyes when they saw him mistreat her. The rest of the village was, on the surface, kind, but she never had time to fully get to know people. Mark would say she shouldn’t leave the house without him; shouldn’t see Sarah because she was a bad influence; should just focus on the house and on the Word. As though she couldn’t do those and make friends.
Katie shook her head again. Enough. It was daytime now, and she needed to dispel thoughts of Mark. That was in the past.
She was about to go inside when a few women walked by her house. One of them waved, and the group slowed down.
She hadn’t been to a service yet, but she knew the faces of some of these women. One of them, Rosella, came over with her daughter Isobel to introduce themselves.
As Rosella broke away from the group to come towards the porch, Katie smoothed down her skirt self-consciously. Rosella smiled brightly at her. “Gut morning, Katie.”
“Gut morning,” Katie said. “It’s a beautiful one.” The sun had risen, and the fog was dissipating, revealing the beautiful green fields and distant rolling hills.
“Jah, praise be to Gott!” Rosella clasped her hands in front of her. “I wonder if you would join us for dinner tonight.”
“Oh?” Katie asked, smiling.
“Jah, Abel’s brother, will be over, as well.” Rosella’s eyes brightened, almost mischievously, and
she tilted her head. “You know Gabe, jah?”
Just the mention of him had her beaming. She tried to hide it. “Jah. We’re old friends and he’s helping fix May’s porch.”
“You must come, then!” Rosella said. “And at the service next week, you’ll meet Samuel and Zachary.”
“Jah...” Katie trailed off. “Jah, I’ll be there.”
“Perfect!” Rosella beamed. “We will see you at seven, then.”
“Seven, denke.”
* * *
Seven o’clock came slowly. All day, Katie agonized over seeing Gabe in a different situation with his family, and for a longer period of time.
It finally came though, and at nearly seven o'clock she drove May’s buggy to Rosella and Abel’s house. May decided to have dinner with her daughter Jane, but Katie wished she could come with her. Everything was easier with May at her side.
But no, she could do this. It was only dinner.
Rosella and Abel’s home was on the opposite side of the farm from where Gabe lived. Two buggies were lined up at the front, and Rosella steered her horses to be beside them. She’d made bread to bring for dinner, so she took her basket up to the door. She fidgeted with her skirt while waiting for them to answer the door. She tucked some stray curls of her auburn hair beneath her kapp. It always seemed to be coming loose now, maybe it was the hormones of her pregnancy making her hair rebel. Her kapp was black now because she was no longer married. She’d worn white for two years and somehow the black made her feel free if only she could forget what had happened.
The door opened, and Gabe stood there. Katie sucked in a breath. She hadn’t expected to see him yet. She inclined her head. “Gut evening.”
He smiled at her. “Gut evening, Katie. Come in.”
"Denke." She slipped past him and he closed the door. The house smelled of fresh grass.
Isobel ran up to greet her. “Katie!”
“Hello, Miss Isobel,” Katie said, smiling. Gabe motioned for her to follow him, and she did, Isobel trailing behind her playing with her doll, as they went into the kitchen.
Rosella was preparing dinner, and she beamed when she saw Katie. “Welcome!”
“Denke,” Katie said. “I brought a loaf of Friendship bread.”
“Denke.”
The back door opened and a man walked in. He had a short beard, indicating he hadn’t been married for long. “Katie, hello! It’s been a long time.”
It took her a moment to recognize that it was Abel, Gabe’s younger brother. Ah yes, of course. He looked so different now with his beard. He held himself differently, too. Katie wondered what Gabe would look like with a beard when he married.
“Hello, I hardly recognized you!” Katie said.
Abel chuckled. “Well, I might not have recognized you either if I didn’t know you were coming.”
They all laughed, and Katie asked how she could help with dinner.
Soon, they were all seated at the table, Katie next to Gabe. He had been quiet so far tonight, but he kept smiling at her. He was nervous, she could tell. He fidgeted with his napkin and the toggles on his shirt and was constantly shifted in his seat during grace. She held back a smile of amusement. Not that she found it funny in a cruel way. It was charming, the fact that he felt nervous around her. He shouldn’t. It was just her, just Katie.
Though she felt nervous around him, too, but it was just Gabe. They were old friends, it shouldn’t be this way, she knew. But something in the air between them was charged, thick, and she could tell he wanted to say more than what he did, wanted to look at her longer. When she passed him the bread, his fingers brushed against hers as he took the basket, and he let them linger there, his soft touch just a whisper.
“Katie,” Rosella asked, “Are you looking forward to having children?”
“Jah.” Katie nodded. Even though it was obvious she was pregnant it was not the done thing to talk about it directly. Rosella had managed to include her and still make her feel comfortable.
“Boppli’s are amazing!” Rosella exclaimed. She looked as though she wanted to say more, but she just smiled and nodded a few times.
“Praise be to Gott,” Abel said, lifting his goblet.
They all murmured in agreement.
Rosella touched Isobel’s head. “Children are such a blessing.”
Isobel made a face at her mother’s arm, and Rosella pinched her cheek. “Don’t make faces,” she said.
Isobel’s expression relaxed and she looked down at her dinner. Katie could hardly believe she would have a child as big as Isobel some day.
That child wouldn’t have a father like Abel, though. He might not have a father at all.
That was the best thing for Katie, since she knew no one could love her, but it wasn’t good for a child. Katie bit her bottom lip as she picked at her food.
“You will let us know if you need anything?” Gabe asked. His voice was tentative, and when he looked over at her, his expression was genuine, eager. “If you need anything, I’ll be there to help. The farm isn’t far at all.”
Katie’s cheeks grew warm. “Denke. I will keep that in mind.”
The meal was delicious, chicken and potatoes and greens. Katie complimented Rosella just once, knowing that to do it more than once would be too much attention.
When they were finished eating, Isobel asked to be excused and ran off to find her doll. The adults stayed around the table a while longer, talking about the service coming up and about Aunt May.
After a while, they started to clean up. Katie helped Rosella in the kitchen while the men cleared the table. Rosella was quiet when she started a new conversation. “You know, I too lost my husband. Some time ago.”
Katie frowned. “Oh, no. I'm sorry.”
“It is OK. His name was Graham. I was alone, just Isobel and me when we came here. So I know how hard it is, to start anew without the man you loved.”
Katie bit her lip. Had she loved Mark? She thought she did, but when she realized he didn’t love her, that no one could, she pulled away from him, withdrawing into herself.
Rosella touched Katie’s arm softly. “I mean to say that if you want to talk with me about anything, I’m here.”
Katie smiled at her. “Denke.”
“It was so hard for me to move on, but Abel is wonderful and I knew it was what Gott wanted for Isobel and me.”
Katie nodded. “I’m glad. You both seem so happy.”
Rosella’s smile brightened and she ducked her head as though it embarrassed her. “Jah, well, Abel... like I said, he’s wonderful. I loved Graham, I still do. To find another man who loves me as much as he did. . . I am blessed beyond what I deserve.”
Katie didn’t deserve Gabe, she knew that. But if Rosella felt she had what she didn’t deserve, could Katie get something she didn’t deserve, either?
The adults played Scrabble in the common area, and Katie found herself laughing in a way she hadn’t for years. Perhaps since the last times she was with Gabe. She couldn’t believe how comfortable she felt in their presence.
She hated that the only way she received this gift was with Mark’s death.
It was soon late and everyone was yawning. “We should retire,” Abel said, rubbing his eyes.
They started cleaning up their board. Abel scooped the letters pulling them towards him to clear them into the bag. Just as the letters fell from the table, Katie thought she saw 'love' and 'Gabe' spelled out in the falling letters. Blinking she looked again and they were gone, of course she had imagined it? Rosella gave Katie a hug and said into her ear, “Remember what I said. I’m here.”
“Denke so much, this was wonderful,” Katie said.
Rosella and Abel bid them goodnight, and Katie and Gabe went out into the cold night. It was dark outside, the stars peeking out. They walked in silence to the buggies and hesitated there.
“I like your family,” Katie said. “I look forward to seeing Samuel and Zachary again.”
“Yes, at the servi
ce, you will.” Gabe put his hands in his pockets. “You can meet their wives and children, too.”
“They married as well?” Katie asked.
“Jah.”
“So much has changed in these few years,” she said quietly.
Gabe didn’t respond at first. He finally said, “Jah. Some things haven’t, though.”
Katie smiled. “Nee? Like what?”
“I still love being with you.”
Katie’s smile faded from her face. She knew what he meant, but she tried to pass it off casually. “I enjoy being with you, too. I’m glad I have a friend here.”
“Shall I accompany you home?”
Katie knew it wasn’t far and she would be fine, but she said yes, anyway. He smiled and climbed into her buggy, "I shall walk back for mine later."
“Are you sure?” she asked. “It’s cold and far without a buggy.”
“I’m sure,” he said. “I’d rather be with you.”
Her cheeks warmed. He shouldn’t be so bold, and she shouldn’t be so taken with his warm compliments. She steered the horse onto the road.
“It’s been so long,” Gabe said, “and I keep wondering what your life has been like since we last saw each other.”
She’d wondered the same thing about him. He had watched his three brothers marry, had taken over his parents’ farm. “I wonder the same about you.”
Gabe chuckled. “I asked first.”
Katie’s hands gripped the reins tightly and she tried to make herself relax. “You know already. I got married, I moved to a new district, I had a new family, and then Mark died.”
“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have pushed.”
“It’s all right.”
“It must be painful to think about,” he said softly.
“It is. . .” she trailed off. “But not for the reasons you might think.”
She kept her eyes on the road, but from the corner of her eye, he was turning toward her. “I hate to think of you in pain.”
