by Ana Medeiros
Kimberly gave him a hard look. “If that girl kills herself under my care I’ll never forgive you.”
“It won’t happen.”
“You can’t promise me that and you know it. These kids are ticking bombs.”
“I have no one else to turn to.”
“How come you got this involved? It’s not like you haven’t dealt with kids like her before. Kids way more troubled.”
Julian had anticipated the question but hoped Kimberly wouldn’t ask it. Seeing how much he sought from her, he didn’t want to lie, but he also didn’t want to explain himself.
“I recently lost someone close to me. I can’t lose anyone else.” He left unsaid his need to do for Lily what he failed to do for Sofia.
“Of course it goes beyond Lily.” Kimberly didn’t sound happy but her voice carried no criticism. “It’s like they say, you’re trying to save yourself by saving the kid.”
“We all have that one kid we can’t shake off.” He looked at Hazel. He had been that child for her.
“Sadly,” Kimberly added.
Julian didn’t know much about Kimberly’s personal life, but he gathered from the expression on her face that she had also experienced it.
“It’s important no one knows I reached out to you. Lily’s mother and I had a disagreement. She’s choosing to walk away from her daughter, but if she suspects I had anything to do with arranging her placement she’s going to cause problems. This has to stay between you and I.”
“I’m agreeing to help this kid out. I’m in all the way. That woman has no idea what she has coming her way if she tries to fuck with me.” Kimberly gave Julian a glimpse of the dedication that made her such a great social worker. “How did you get hard-ass Rodriguez to agree to give you time off?”
“I didn’t. It was his idea. I still don’t know if I’ll go back.”
“I guess after all these years you two were bound to come to a head. I’ll take Lily in but you have to promise me that you’ll return to Lurie.”
“That’s a hard bargain, Kimberly.”
“Come back when you’re ready.”
Rodriguez had said the same thing. “I’ll do my best.”
“I’ll start working on Lily’s case,” she said, already halfway down the porch steps. “Nice to see you, Hazel.”
Not waiting for a response, she got into her rusty 1993 white Honda Accord and drove away under the pouring rain.
“Julian?”
He wondered if Hazel’s calling him by his name meant this was one of the brief but valued moments when she regained her lucidity.
He squeezed her hand. “I’m right here.”
“Who died?”
Her recognizing him made it harder for Julian to speak about it. “Sofia. One of the Dulgorukova twins.”
“I remember her. How about Tatiana?”
Regardless of what he might want to share, protecting Hazel remained more important. “I don’t know.”
Hazel went silent and Julian wondered if he had lost her again. Minutes went by.
“Tell Tatiana I wouldn’t mind seeing her,” Hazel said. “Tell her that it’s safe. Tell her that Julian is gone.”
• • •
Julian left Hazel’s home well past midnight and drove straight to The Raven Room. As he entered the club and made his way toward the lower level, he had the unnerving feeling that time stood still. Once inside, it was impossible to tell if it was day or night. He knew this intentional, unchanging atmosphere lulled the club members into a dreamlike state where they would eventually succumb to everything the club had to offer.
The usual seductive jazz and blues music had been replaced by the psychedelic rock melodies of Pink Floyd for the club’s Alternative Night—an event that took place every other month. The soft, deep red lighting had vanished. Kaleidoscopic lights gave the illusion that all the surfaces, furniture, and people were being showered with slow-moving, oversized, colorful glitter.
Glad he wasn’t under the effect of drugs, Julian squinted, trying to regain his bearings amidst the loud music and disorienting lighting. He was about to enter the long corridor with red walls when he saw someone he recognized—the man who smoked the black dragon cigars. The two of them stared each other down until the man smirked. Julian turned his back on him.
Focusing on his reason for being there, Julian’s heart beat faster as he approached the last door on the left. He stood, head bowed down, eyes closed. He took a deep breath and turned the doorknob.
“You’re here.” Those were the first words that came out of Julian’s mouth as soon as he saw the woman on the bed. He felt relieved.
“Didn’t you ask for me?”
“I did…” Julian sat on the chair in the corner of the room. “What happened last time?”
She laughed, rolling into her stomach. “I’m not sure. We were pretty fucked up.”
“I thought I had killed you.”
“Did you enjoy it?”
The room was too warm. Julian felt the heat of the nearby candles on his skin.
The woman kneeled at his feet. She brought a mirror closer to him. “It’s a new designer mix. Premium quality.”
He saw the powder on the mirror. “I’m not doing it with you. Not tonight.”
Holding a short straw in her other hand, she smiled. “Please.”
“That’s not why I’m here.”
“Don’t be like that,” she pleaded, bringing the mirror to Julian’s face. “Just one rail.”
Aware that he wouldn’t be able to stop at just one line, Julian threw the mirror against the wall. The woman made a high-pitched noise as she crawled across the hardwood floor toward the shattered mirror.
“How could you?” she whispered, picking up a shard of the mirror.
Julian knew he should be moved by what he saw—her naked, on her knees, crying—but he saw too much of himself in her to feel compassion.
She crawled back to him. “You have to do something for me. You have to.” She placed the shard on his palm, begging as she held onto his hand. “You have to.”
Remaining at his feet, she guided his hand to her naked breast. “Cut me. You know that’s what you want.”
Feeling the shard between his fingers, Julian stared at her breasts.
“You can’t say no. I know you,” she whispered.
With blood roaring in his ears, Julian ran the back of his hand across her breast. He wanted to touch all of her. Not tenderly, as he did now, but with the ruthlessness he had been born with.
“I know you,” she repeated, her eyes wide.
Julian slid from the chair and met her on the floor. He closed his mouth on her breast and she let her head fall back. He sucked on her nipple and didn’t stop until she started to moan. That was when he moved away from her. “I can’t…”
“Call me by the name you always use. The name you like,” she said in earnest, fondling him over his suit pants. “C’mon, say it.”
He closed his eyes, hoping he was strong enough to fend off the blunt desire growing in him. She unbuckled his belt, unzipped his pants, and reached inside of his underwear. The name formed in his throat and Julian felt shame.
“Say it,” she demanded, stroking his bare flesh.
With every muscle in his body as tense and hard as his member in her hand, Julian held the piece of the broken mirror tightly between his fingers. His lips moved from her forehead to her temple. “Tatia.” The name escaped his lips, almost a whimper.
“Again.”
“Tatia,” he whispered as his mouth met hers. “Tatia,” he repeated, breaking the kiss. She tightened her hold on him and he groaned in response.
“Cut me,” she said, her breathing shallow.
Julian lowered his head to her breast and the sharp edge of the mirror followed the light caress of his lips. She held her breath and didn’t move. Even before he had lifted the piece of mirror from her flesh, bright red blood seeped from the cut. He watched, entranced as it dripped over her
ribcage and down her stomach.
With her free hand she smeared it on her skin. “More. Cut me more.”
His eyes traveled to her face and the realization of what he was doing to her jolted him. He fell back toward the chair. “I want to leave,” he uttered, his hands unsteady.
“That’s not what your cock is telling me.” She moved her hand along his erection and Julian’s body involuntarily swayed forward, craving what she offered. “Fuck me the way you love. Hard. Until I scream for you to stop.”
Julian pushed her away from him. He stood up, fumbling with his zipper.
“Are you running away again?”
The candles cast large, dancing shadows on her body. She rested her bloodstained fingers on his lips and, with his back against the wall, Julian felt breathless.
“I came here tonight to make sure you’re OK.” His lips rubbed against her wet fingertips as he spoke. He was close to hyperventilating.
She shook her head. “That’s not why you’re here.”
Julian ignored her, making his way toward the door. She wrapped her arms around him from behind, stopping him.
“Don’t leave.”
“Let me go.”
“No!” She tightened her hold on him.
Seizing her wrists, he pulled her away from him. She stumbled and caught herself on the opposite wall. “You’ll come back. You always do.”
She laughed as Julian left the room.
Chapter 8
Meredith couldn’t get over the feeling that the woman standing in front of her wasn’t the woman she had known as Alana. She shuddered at the eeriness of it.
“Here you go.” She passed Tatiana the large bags she carried. “Groceries. All stuff you can eat.”
“Even if I wasn’t a vegan I’d starve. The fridge and the cupboards are empty.”
“There’s a new cell phone and a prepaid card in there too.”
“You’ll find two hundred bucks on the kitchen counter. This time you really should take it. It’s Julian’s money. He won’t miss it.”
Meredith ignored Tatiana’s sardonic comment. “How is he?”
Tatiana raised an eyebrow.
“Tell me,” Meredith insisted.
“He sleeps all day. It’s the benzos.”
“Where is he getting them from?”
“Any doctor.”
“He needs help.”
“You have no idea.”
“What are we going to do?”
Tatiana examined the black underwear that Meredith had brought in the bag. She tossed them back in. “We? You help him.”
“Why are you two angry at each other?”
“He’s not angry with me.” Tatiana sounded bored with their conversation. “He’s angry with Sofia for lying to him. Since he can’t lash out at her, I’m the next best thing.”
“Listen, Alana, I can’t—” Meredith stopped herself as soon as she realized she had addressed Tatiana by the wrong name. “I’m sorry. You look and sound exactly like her…I still think I’m talking to your sister. It’s disconcerting.”
Tatiana didn’t appear to be taken aback by Meredith’s remark. “If she and I stood side by side you’d see a few differences.”
“Do you know why she didn’t tell Julian who she was?”
Tatiana’s defensive demeanor vanished. She now looked sorrowful. “Does it matter? She’s gone. Her mistake was getting tangled up with him.”
“Where is he?”
“Check his bedroom. He rarely comes out. He stopped teaching…is he even still working at Lurie?”
Meredith didn’t bother responding. In the last few weeks, she had learned that Tatiana didn’t ask questions because she wanted answers. She used it as a passive aggressive way to slip a disapproving comment into the conversation.
Meredith walked down the hall, wary of what she might be faced with. Cautiously, she opened Julian’s bedroom door.
The sight filled her with dismay. Drawn curtains blocked out the sunlight and discarded sheets covered the floor. Julian lay asleep naked on the bare mattress, on his stomach, his arms and legs spread out. Meredith entered and kneeled by the side of the bed. Memories of their time together the previous June brought tears to her eyes. They had spent many mornings in that bed, her head lying on his chest. She hadn’t realized it at the time, but she had been happy and she figured if Julian had ever felt the same way with her, it would have been then.
“Julian, can you hear me? You need to get up.”
She waited for a reaction, but he didn’t stir. There was no change in the steady cadence of his breathing.
“Julian? C’mon, get up. You can’t continue like this. Julian?” She shook him but he didn’t move. “Julian?”
“Don’t worry, he’ll wake up eventually.”
Tatiana watched them from the door.
“I don’t know what to do.” Meredith rested her forehead on Julian’s temple.
“There’s nothing for you to do. He needs to sleep it off.”
“What’s going to happen when he does? He’ll wake up and take more benzos?”
“Probably.”
Meredith faced her. “You don’t want to help him? Fine. But I took you to my place after the police left; I hid you from everyone, including my roommate. I took care of you. When it was safe, I was the one who brought you back here.” Meredith knew she sounded desperate. “Now I need you to do something; I need you to help me get Julian through your sister’s death.”
“You want me to help him?”
“You’re stronger than him.” Meredith truly believed that. Tatiana exuded a resilience she had never encountered before.
“That’s asking for a lot.”
“I’m asking you for what I need.”
Tatiana sat on the edge of the bed, not far from Julian. She went silent, and Meredith didn’t rush to continue speaking. She wouldn’t give Tatiana the opportunity to evade her request.
“I’ll help you,” Tatiana said. “He doesn’t deserve it, though. I hope you know that.”
“You blame him for your sister’s death.”
“I blame Julian for everything.”
The resentment in Tatiana’s voice made Meredith lean closer to Julian, as if to shield him from her. “He never understood what Sofia was afraid of, but he tried to protect her regardless. He’s doing the same for you. He’s protecting you from your husband. Do you recognize that?”
Meredith expected Tatiana to further attack Julian, but she didn’t. Tatiana’s silence drove her to press for answers. “Why did you make my stepmom and her partner think you were your sister? You still haven’t explained why you did it.”
“I guess I figured if Julian thought I was Sofia he would be more inclined to help me.”
“You didn’t think he would figure it out?”
Tatiana shrugged. “It was worth a shot.”
“And you’d be okay with doing that?”
“I did it, didn’t I?”
Tatiana’s feelings became clear to Meredith and it unnerved her. “Why do you hate him?”
“I don’t hate him. For you everything’s either love or hate. Nothing else.”
“If that were true I wouldn’t be here.”
“What has Julian told you about me and my sister, about the past?”
“He said that he got placed with your family and when he spoke up about your father, your parents said he was the one sexually abusing Sofia.” Meredith remembered what Pam once told her about Olga Dulgorukova’s death. “Do you believe Julian shot your mom, is that why?”
“I don’t have to believe anything. I was there. I saw Sofia shoot my mom.”
“So Julian didn’t do it.”
“That’s what I just said. My parents were sick people. I’ll be forever grateful to my sister for shooting my cunt of a mother. They should have never been allowed to keep their own daughters, much less take on foster kids.”
Meredith recalled Julian only briefly mentioning Olga Dulgorukova.
“You and Sofia were eight-year-olds…you didn’t want your mom dead.”
Tatiana looked genuinely repulsed. “No, of course not. We never dreamt of seeing our mom having her brains blown out. I still have nightmares where she’s on the floor, a piece of her head missing, blood everywhere.”
“You spoke like you were happy about it.”
“No, not happy. Relieved. When abuse is all you live day after day, year after year, something weird happens. You start to feel a kind of fear that grows in the pit of your stomach and then spreads through your whole body. Like heat waves rolling over you. You can’t run, though. It’s like you become a trapped animal. And you don’t care what happens. You just need it to happen. You just need something, anything, to happen so the fear can stop.”
Tatiana started to braid her own hair, and just like Meredith had seen her do several times before, Tatiana undid the braid as soon as it was done and restarted braiding it. Her nervous habit endeared her to Meredith.
“At first I thought you were just a privileged girl,” Tatiana said. “But that’s not all you are. You might not be able to relate to what I told you, but you can understand how Sofia and I might have mixed feelings about our mom’s death.”
Meredith watched Tatiana run her hand along Julian’s back. While it appeared absentminded, her touch remained purposely tender.
“What did your mom do?” Meredith asked.
“When Julian came to us, he was a fourteen-year-old cutter, hooked on crack. My mom picked up on his weakness pretty fast. She’d give him money for his fix in exchange for him doing whatever she wanted.”
“Whatever she wanted?”
“They fucked. Often. I knew about it because she liked to have me there. She would tell him—go get Tatiana—and he would never say no to her. He would bring me into bed with them.” Tatiana stared at Julian’s body. “I can still hear the sounds she’d make when he was inside of her.”
