My lip twitches, fighting back a smile. That’s exactly something Sam would say. “I’d love to be a part of your mom’s life but I don’t think that’s something she wants.”
And until I returned home, it’s not something I thought would ever happen. The busy life I had in the army is the only thing I know. Being here in Jasper is quiet, too quiet. I had originally planned to leave the second I was released by my doctor, but everything has changed. Mom is sick, and the feelings I’ve forced myself to forget for Sam have returned, tenfold.
“Well, that yucky Mr. Dickerson keeps asking her out and if she says yes, I’m going to throw up.” Katie pretends to gag as I process what she said.
My eyes thin while I ask, “Brian has asked your mom out on a date?”
“Yep. He asks all the time, but Mama always turns him down.”
Brian Dickerson was always an asshole; one I remember clearly looking at Sam on more than one occasion. I think I remember Mom saying he’s been divorced twice already—which I’m not surprised about, not with the way he treated people.
“Here’s your order, Katie.” Pam places a plate of biscuits and gravy in front of her. “Thanks, Miss Pam.”
Shit, this girl’s manners are respectable, just another thing Sam has done a good job with.
I watch her with a sense of pride—something I don’t deserve to feel—while she eats her food. There’s something about this girl that I’m completely drawn to. She reminds me of the past and gives me hope for the future.
Minutes pass while she talks between bites of food, telling me about her friends, school, summer camp and I soak up every word she speaks. When the bell on the diner door rings, she smiles and waves. “Granddad.”
Slowly, I look over my shoulder at Edward Harris, a man who hates me.
“Luke. Margie told me you were coming home.” Edward extends his hand for me to shake. I glance at Katie, who’s carefully watching the two of us.
“How’s your arm treating you?” he asks with a warm, almost inviting smile.
I haven’t misread Edward. I know he hates me— twelve years ago, he all but told me that.
“My arm is good. I hope to be out of my sling soon.”
“That’s good to hear. I’m sure it’s a relief to your mother. I know she was worried out of her mind when she heard you were shot.”
Another thing to add to my long list of regrets.
“Well, Katie bug, we better get going.”
“It was real nice meeting you, Mr. Runyan,” Katie says with a dazzling smile.
“It was nice meeting you too.”
“Don’t forget what we talked about.” She winks, then grabs Edward's hand and pulls him toward the door.
I knew returning home would excavate memories I’ve tried for years to forget but I wasn’t expecting the gut punch I felt from seeing Sam and meeting her daughter.
A storm has been brewing inside me for years, like a tidal wave, always threatening to pull me under. Regardless of my professional accomplishments, I’ve evaded any emotional connection. Yet right now, with adrenaline pumping through me, my heart is roaring at me to do whatever it takes to claim Sam and her daughter as mine.
Sam
Saturdays are family dinner night at the Harris house, only we tend to invite more than just family to our dining room table. Unless she’s not feeling up to it, Margie usually attends as does Val. More times than not, Daddy invites some of his single friends from the Mill.
The house smells heavenly with the promise of food while I stare out the bay window, watching the cornfield behind our house. The sky is a beautiful mix of pink and orange while the late afternoon sun slowly sets but it’s hard to focus on the incredible view in front of me when my mind continues to wander to him.
I hate that I can’t stop thinking about him. I hate the way my body reacts when I’m near him. And most importantly, I hate the fact that no matter how hard I try, I can’t make myself truly hate him.
Out of the corner of my eye, I notice Val shove her face against the glass in the window facing the other side of the house. “Um, someone’s here.”
“Who?”
Tension builds in her shoulders before she turns and looks directly at me. “You don’t need to pick up Margie. She just arrived.”
“She what?” I practically shove Val out of my way. My racing heart slows seeing her sitting in the passenger side of Luke’s truck.
“Looks like we need to set another plate on the table.”
“What? No, he just drove her here. I’m sure he’s not staying.”
I storm down the hallway and out the front door. I was upset with the thought of Margie driving but the fact remains that Luke shouldn’t be driving either.
“Hello, sweetheart,” Margie greets, walking toward the house with Luke holding her arm. With a smile that lights up her entire face, she says, “It was nice of you to invite Luke. I hated the idea of leaving him home by himself.” My gaze naturally moves to his. His deep brown eyes shine with a challenge. He knows if I call him on his lie, the only person I’ll be hurting is Margie.
“I’ve always said, the more the merrier.”
She softly pats my hand before stepping around me and inside.
“Margie,” Katie squeals, running down the steps.
“How’s my baby girl?”
Snuggled under Margie’s arm, the two of them walk to the couch. I glance over my shoulder, observing the way Luke is intently watching them. The expression on his face has changed. I swear I see a longing in his eyes but for the life of me, I can’t figure out why.
“The two of them are pretty close,” I state when Margie laughs at something Katie said.
“I can see that,” he mumbles, finally looking my direction. “You look…” his eyes trail down my body, “amazing.”
I blankly stare at him, trying to figure out what he’s up to when I hear Val snickering down the hallway.
“I better finish dinner or we’ll be here all night.”
“That’s fine by me,” he says, one step behind me. “Besides, there’s nowhere else I’d rather be.”
My step falters. I don’t know what I was expecting Luke to say, but that wasn’t it. Instead of acknowledging this comment, I walk straight to the oven, checking on dinner.
“What can I do to help?”
“You’re down an arm, big guy. Why don’t you take a seat and let us finish this up?” Val answers while I continue to pretend he’s not in the same county as me, let alone standing only a few feet away.
I move from the oven to the stove to the sink, feeling his eyes on me the entire time.
“Saturdays are the only exciting night in Jasper. The bar even has live music. Instead of living it up, you decided to hang out with us?” Val questions with a laugh in her voice.
“Loud music and groups of people I couldn’t give a damn about don’t sound all that exciting. Being here, however, holds a… surprising appeal.”
He aims a smile my direction, catching me staring at the two of them. With my heart rapidly beating, I twist around, mindlessly messing with the bowl of salad.
Luke shattered my heart into a million pieces and left me questioning not only our relationship, he obliterated my ability to trust someone. Regardless of how he felt about me, I loved him with every ounce of my heart and he callously tossed me to the side.
My dad walks in the back door and the second he spots Luke, he smiles.
Smiles? Why does it feel like I’m living in some alternate universe?
“I’m glad you were able to join us.”
“Yes, sir. Thank you for having me.”
“I hope you plan to stick around after your shoulder heals. I know your mother has missed you terribly.”
A haunted expression crosses Luke’s face. “Jasper is a little more low-key than I’m used to but I think it could do me a world of good if I made this town my home again.”
My legs go weak. Can I handle seeing him every day? Seeing him w
ith another woman? No…no I don’t think I can, but what choice will I have if he decides to stay?
“Sam? Hello?” Val waves her hand in front of my face. “What?” I snap, glancing around the room only to find everyone is staring at me.
“I asked how much longer until dinner was done.”
“Oh, any moment. We can set the table and eat in a few minutes.”
Val smirks. She knows having Luke here has rattled me and like the smartass she is, she’s enjoying watching me squirm.
“Dinner was amazing. Where did you learn to cook like that?” Luke questions, bringing in plates from the table.
“Let me do that. You need to take it easy on that arm.”
He huffs. “I’m good. My arm is the least of my worries right now.”
I nervously swallowed before asking, “What are you worried about?”
It takes him several seconds to reply. “Mom. I think more is going on with her than she’s letting on.” His dejected voice matches the gloomy expression on his face.
“That makes two of us.” I’d love to tell him what Dr. Russell told me but I can’t risk him repeating anything in front of Margie.
“The stroke she had a year ago… it was worse than she let on, wasn’t it?”
A year ago?
Margie’s first stroke was almost three years ago. Clearly, she’s kept her son in the dark.
“I think she was concerned about you. Worried something would happen. She didn’t want to add to your problems, especially when there wasn’t anything you do for her.”
“She’s not a problem, she’s my mother.”
“I know, but that’s not how she viewed it. If she had told you she was sick, you would’ve packed up and come home and that was the last thing she wanted.”
He turns and looks out the window. “I convinced myself my mom didn’t need me but the truth is, she needed me more than I could even imagine.”
“Margie wasn’t alone. She had all of us and we wouldn’t be the same without her.”
He inhales a deep breath, the tension in his shoulders slowly draining. “Your girl seems to love her.”
I smile. “I remember the first-time Margie held Katie. You would’ve thought she was her own grandchild.”
His eyebrows pinch together. “She should have been mine.”
A painful look crosses his face, “she should’ve been mine.”
I open my mouth, ready to yell something hateful but I quickly remember my daughter is in the next room.
“I lied before…” He takes a step in my direction, reaching for my hand. “I loved you.”
He slides his hand into mine while my vision blurs with unshed tears.
“I fell in love with you the moment I met you and… I’ve never stopped.”
I yank my hand from his. “You told me… you’re not allowed to tell me one thing then expect to believe the opposite when it suits you.” Anger pumps through my veins but no matter how hard I try to stay in the present, my mind wanders back to the night he destroyed me.
* * *
The doorbell chimes through the house, alerting me to the fact that Luke is early. Knowing he doesn’t care what I look like, I quickly breeze through the rest of my routine—barely applying any make-up. I strip my clothes off, changing into my white floral spaghetti strapped sundress. Knowing there’s a chance Luke might come up to my room, I place the acceptance letter I received over a year ago from KU back in the top drawer of my desk. Luke is smart, smarter than he gives himself credit for but he hasn’t exactly applied himself when it comes to school. He’s worried he won’t get into any school, let alone a division one college but I still applied. There are plenty of community colleges in the area but if all else fails…I’ll move wherever he plans to go because my dream of attending KU feels nonsensical compared to the life we plan to share.
After a quick glance in the mirror, I grab my purse and rush down the stairs only to pause halfway down the steps when I find my dad and Luke staring at each other. Luke’s hands are clenched at his sides while his chest visibly moves with every breath he takes, something he only does when he’s about to brawl with someone.
“What’s going on?”
With his eyes pulled together, Luke turns his head down toward the floor while my dad turns my direction, faking a smile.
“Nothing, sweetheart. We were just chatting.” Dad glances back and forth between us before saying, “You two have fun and don’t stay out late.”
Once he’s out of sight, I race down the rest of the steps and straight to Luke, who still won’t look at me. Placing my hand on his elbow, I ask, “What’s the matter?”
He shrugs my hand off and steps closer to the door.
“Luke?” my voice cracks and my heart drops to my stomach. Something is horribly wrong. He never acts this way, not with me. The rest of the world sees the bad boy that lingers just below his surface but with me, he’s tender, loving…considerate.
“This isn’t going to work.”
I frown, unsure of what he’s saying. “We don’t have to go to the party if you don’t want to.”
The second he brings his eyes to mine, panic blasts through me. His eyes are cold and vacant.
“Luke?”
“Us. You and me. We’re over.”
I gasp, placing my hands on my chest, struggling for a breath of air.
Still knuckling his hands, his nostrils flare. “Come on Sam, did you really think we’d ride off into the sunset and get married? That’s not how life works. We’re kids, we’ve had a good time but I don’t love you. I never have.”
My eyes water while my stomach violently turns. “You’re lying. I know you are.”
Luke’s eyes drift shut. When he opens them, a chill travels down my spine from anger and animosity I see shining back at me.
“You were fun, an easy way to pass time. I told you what you wanted to hear to ensure I had a piece whenever I wanted some but you were a fool if you thought this was anything more than a stupid high school relationship.”
My vision blurs with tears, my legs weaken but it’s the pain in my chest—like someone has ripped my heart from my body—which if I’m being honest, is exactly what he just did that hurts the most. Fighting through the pain, not wanting to see him a second longer, I manage to find my voice. “Get out.”
His eyes soften for a brief second; it happens so quick I’m left wondering if I imagined it before he turns and walks out of the house, slamming the door shut on our future.
* * *
That was the last time I saw Luke, until last week. He skipped graduation and enrolled in the army. He didn’t even bother to attend his own brother’s funeral.
I spent the next two years convincing myself that night wasn’t real. That for whatever reason, he lied but as the years passed I knew that wasn’t the case. If he truly loved me, there’s no way he would have cut me completely out of his life.
“I don’t believe you.” My tone changed from friendly to harsh.
“I know I hurt you, but it’s the truth. I love you. I always have and I always will.”
Anger blooms in the pit of my stomach. One night, one conversation and the entire course of my life changed.
“Get out.”
He reaches for my hand but I manage to dart back, invading his touch.
“I couldn’t offer you the life you deserved. Hell, I was a punk kid that struggled with high school. College wasn’t my thing but I couldn’t tell you that. I spent over a year dreading graduation because I knew life would change. You’d finally figure out what a loser I was and I no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t envision a life that didn’t include you.”
With my hands and chin trembling I swallow several times, doing my best to keep my tears at bay. “I don’t want any part of whatever sick game you’re playing. If you were lying and you wanted me to think you didn’t love me then congratulations, you succeeded.”
Val walks into the kitchen. The smile she was wearing fa
des away the second she spots us. “What’s going on?”
“Nothing. I’m tired. I think I’ll call it a night.” Ignoring everyone in the house, I rush upstairs to my bedroom where I end up crying myself to sleep.
Luke
My battle buddy was always spewing inspirational quotes, doing his best to remind me life has a purpose. On one particular day, when I was acting like a complete shit, doing whatever I could to push his buttons, he grabbed me by the neck and demanded to know what my problem was. I tried to brush both him and my problems off but he wasn’t buying it. Nose to nose, he told me fear is a reaction, courage is a decision. Those words seeped into my mind and took hold.
Fear of the rejection, of the unknown, of ending up a complete failure dictated my actions that night and not a day has passed—until tonight—that I questioned my decision.
She was better off without me.
I clung to that thought every second of every day but after seeing the anguish in her eyes, after all these years, I know I allowed fear to drive me to the worst decision of my life.
Needing fresh air, I let myself out the kitchen door. I walk around the edge of the house, noticing the light on in the room. I want nothing more than to rush inside, hold her in my arms while I beg her for forgiveness. Instead I remain rooted in place.
When the screen door opens then shuts, I glance to my right. Edward slowly makes his way to me. His eyes follow mine before he exhales a long sigh. “Being a parent is harder than anyone warns you about.” He rubs the back of his neck, doing his best to avoid looking at me. “Take your biggest fear and multiply that by a million and maybe you’ll be close to understanding what it’s like to be a parent. You want the best for them. You want them to make good choices but that doesn’t always happen.” He nervously clears his throat. “Sam was singing Rock Chalk Jay Hawk since she was just a little girl. Going to KU was always her dream, then suddenly she gets accepted and she doesn’t want to go.”
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