She didn’t want to love him, so she wouldn’t allow herself to even consider the word. Hadn’t she learned the hard way that men didn’t stay? That love was something you found in a book but only rarely in life? Jillian had Mac to think about now and that was where she would put her focus—and not on the man who touched her heart, her soul, her mind.
Chewing at her bottom lip, Jillian reminded herself that she hadn’t contacted Jesse in the last two days, either. Maybe she should have rather than wait for him. Was it cowardly to stand back and say nothing? But pride had to come into this at some point, right? Why should she be the one to go see him? To call him? He could have come to her. Talked to her. But he hadn’t. And that meant what?
“So what do you think?”
“I think he could have called,” Jillian grumbled. “Or said something.”
Lucy’s eyebrows shot up. “Well, blurted truths are always so interesting. But what I meant was, what do you think of the shop?”
Oh, God. Rolling her eyes, Jillian said, “Sure. I knew that.” She looked around the interior of the shop and smiled. It was clean and had enough room for a few tables and chairs. There was a gleaming glass display case, an old-fashioned cash register and through the swinging door, she assumed, the kitchen. She walked around behind the counter, just to get a feel for the place.
Standing there, she could look out at Main Street and watch people hurrying down the sidewalks. In a few weeks, those people would be coming in here. To her shop. She took a breath and tried to focus on the moment.
“I think it’s perfect,” she said, more to herself really than Lucy. “Of course, I’ll want to paint, make it sort of cheery, and I need to get some tables and chairs for the front here. Maybe tiny bistro size?”
“Okay, let’s have it.”
She looked at Lucy. “Have what?”
“Please.” Lucy snickered. “The kids aren’t here. Jesse’s not here. So talk.”
She didn’t want to talk. If she started, she might not stop and the truth was, what could she say? That Jesse and she had had a few hours together that had completely shaken her to her bones and now it was over? How sad was that?
“Nothing to say, Lucy. Honestly.”
Her friend just watched her. Seconds ticked past. Lucy continued to stare, never saying a word. And Jillian couldn’t take it.
“Fine. Stop the torture.” She sighed and admitted, “I just haven’t seen Jesse in a couple of days and I thought he could have called or something and that sounds so junior high I’m embarrassed.”
“He’s in Houston.”
“What?” Jillian stared at Lucy.
“Jesse had to drive a horse back to its owner. Most of our guys were out checking the herd and Carlos can’t go because his wife is about to go into labor.” Lucy shrugged. “So Jesse’s been gone. I thought you knew.”
“No,” she mused, running her hand over the sparklingly clean white-and-gray marble counter. “He didn’t tell me.” But then why would he?
The more she thought about it, the more Jillian realized that Jesse was talking to her in his way. By not contacting her, he was sending a message. There was no real connection between them. What they had was attraction and some really great sex, but beyond that, they owed each other nothing.
“That’s fine. That’s good, really. Better.” Jillian heard herself babbling and couldn’t stop. “I mean, we’re not a couple or anything. He doesn’t have to check in with me and I don’t have to call him or anything to report on the shop. Business partners. That’s us. That’s it. And I’m fine with this.”
When she finally ran out of steam, the silence in the shop was overpowering. Shooting a look at Lucy, she asked, “You don’t believe me, do you?”
“Nope.”
“I’m not making any sense here, am I?”
“Nope.”
“So I’m an idiot.”
“Yep.”
Jillian laughed and shook her head. “You’re right. I am acting like an idiot. I keep swinging back and forth on what I’m thinking, feeling. I mean, I knew going in that Jesse and I didn’t have a future, you know? That nothing serious was going to happen between us and yet...”
“You still hoped for it.”
She looked at Lucy and sighed. “I guess so and that’s ridiculous because I don’t—”
Lucy snorted and held up one hand. “Don’t even bother telling me you don’t want or need love in your life.” She shook her head and said, “It’s the same sad song we all tell ourselves when we’ve been hurt too many times to want to take the risk again. But the real truth, is everybody wants love.”
“You’re a philosopher now?”
“I am a woman of many talents,” Lucy said, smiling. “Like I can see that you had sex with my brother and that it was good.”
Jillian sighed again.
“All details are happily accepted,” Lucy said, then kept talking as she walked across the room and pushed through the door into the kitchen. “No, wait. On second thought, no details. This is my brother we’re talking about and I don’t want to throw up in your shiny new shop.”
Jillian was right behind her. “Agreed. No details.”
“Fine. But the point is the Amazing Lucy also sees that you’re in love with my brother.”
“No.” Jillian instantly denied that charge. She didn’t look at her friend because it was easier to talk about this without meeting her eyes. Instead, she looked around the small but efficient kitchen and smiled. “I mean, of course I care for him. Who wouldn’t? Jesse’s kind and gruff and funny and strong. He’s wonderful with Mac and so patient, too, and—”
“Wow. Yeah I can hear how much you don’t love him.” Lucy opened one of the ovens, ran a finger over the door and inspected it. “Clean.”
Oh, God, was Lucy right? Was it too late for her already? Jillian took a breath and asked, “Why are you so determined to have me love Jesse?”
“Because he deserves it,” Lucy said, shutting the oven door. Turning around to face Jillian, she continued. “He deserves you. And Mac. I’ve never seen him as captivated by anyone as he is by you. He loves that little girl. He found this shop for you to help you with your dream. He’s a good guy, Jill.”
“I know that.”
“And you deserve him.” Lucy planted both hands on her hips. “For pity’s sake, your eyes light up when you see him, you practically drool when he walks into the room...”
“I don’t drool.” Did she?
“That’s metaphorical drool, but still...”
Even if she did feel more for Jesse than she was willing to admit, the bottom line was, “I can’t risk it, Lucy. I’ve got Mac to think about.”
Surprised, Lucy demanded, “You think he’d hurt that little girl?”
“Of course not.” Jillian walked through the kitchen, too wound up to stand still. Too worried about what she was feeling to really take those emotions out and look hard at them. “He’d never do anything to deliberately hurt her. But—”
“I get it,” Lucy said. “I’ve got Brody and I know what it is to worry about someone more than yourself. But what if you’re just cheating Mac out of having a great father?”
As Lucy’s question echoed in her mind, Jillian sighed, checked the cupboards, the cooling racks and the small bathroom at the back of the shop. It was perfect. And Jesse had arranged it for her. He’d had professionals in to clean the place top to bottom so she wouldn’t have to worry about it. He’d become her partner so that she wouldn’t have to wait years to make her dreams come true.
He’d said once that when he made a promise, he kept it. Did that mean she could trust him?
“You’re overthinking this.”
She looked at Lucy and said wryly, “I can’t seem to stop.”
“Well,” her friend said, dropping one arm around Jillian’s sho
ulders, “let me help. Jesse’s in Houston so you can’t do anything about any of this until he gets back. Right?”
“Yes...”
“So let’s keep busy. We’ll buy some paint and start working on the shop.”
“I don’t know.” Truthfully, she had so much spinning through her mind, Jillian didn’t know if she could be trusted with a paintbrush.
“Trust me.” Lucy gave her shoulders a squeeze. “The kids are at the day care. We can probably get the whole front of the shop done in a couple of hours.”
“I guess we could do that.”
“Excellent.” Lucy grinned. “You know I love shopping!”
Laughing, Jillian followed her friend out of the shop, locking it behind her. If it made her a coward to be grateful she could put off facing Jesse for another day, she was willing to accept the label.
* * *
The following day, Jesse was back from Houston and felt like he’d been dragged behind the truck the whole way. He hadn’t had a decent hour’s sleep since the night he’d left Jillian. No matter what he did, she was there, in his mind, refusing to be ignored.
He’d believed he could step back from her. But clearly it was going to take longer than he’d thought it would. What he needed to do was keep busy. Lose himself in the ranch, the work.
“Yeah, because that’s working so well,” he muttered as he walked across the ranch yard toward the main house. It took everything he had to not grab his damn cell phone and call Jillian. He could tell himself that he just wanted to check in, make sure everything was all right. But the truth was, he just wanted to hear her voice.
He was still muttering when he opened the front door and stepped inside. Instantly, his sister called out, “Jesse? Is that you?”
“Yeah.”
“Well, thank God.” She sounded irritated and impatient, but that wasn’t anything new for Lucy.
“Jesse...” Mac’s voice came as a plaintive wail that had him hurrying toward the great room.
“What’s going on?”
“Hi, Uncle Jesse!”
“Hi, kid,” he said, smiling at his nephew, playing with his trucks on the floor near his mother.
Lucy was sitting on the couch, a clearly unhappy Mac on her lap. His sister looked harried, Mac looked miserable and Jesse figured he looked confused.
“What’s going on?”
“Mac’s sick,” Brody offered, never looking up from his trains.
“Sick?” he echoed.
“Sick,” Mac whined.
“Come and take her,” Lucy ordered, even as Mac held up both arms and wailed his name again.
“What’s wrong with her? Where’s Jillian?” He scooped the little girl into his arms while he looked around the room as if half expecting the woman to pop into existence. He was disappointed when that didn’t happen.
“Jill had to work today,” Lucy said, sweeping both hands through her hair. “Since she’s quitting so soon after being hired, she felt bad about staying home with Mac and they were short-handed at the day care today, so she had to go in even though Mac’s sick...”
“What kind of sick?” he asked, taking a quick look at the tiny girl in his arms.
“Sick, Jesse,” Mac whined, laying her head on his shoulder.
Now that he was taking a good, hard look at her, he could see that her eyes were too bright and her cheeks were flushed. And a jolt of fear shot through him. “What’s wrong with her? Did you take her to the doctor? Should I?”
Lucy grinned. “Calm down, oh, rational one. She’s fine. She’s just got a little fever and she’s feeling pretty crappy.”
“Crappy,” Mac echoed.
“Oops,” Lucy said with a grimace. “Anyway, I told Mac I’d keep her here, but she’s been so restless, and all she wants is you.”
Both pleasure and panic shot through Jesse in a split second. Pleased that the child had asked for him, even though he had no clue what to do for a sick kid. He patted Mac’s back gently and felt his heart clench when she gave a tired sigh and snuggled in closer to him.
“You’re panicking and it’s not very attractive,” Lucy told him.
Jesse ignored that. “What am I supposed to do for her?”
“Just hold her and keep her comfortable.”
“Right.” How hard could that be? God, he really wished he’d had a little sleep in the last couple of days. “Okay, I’m taking her over to my place. I’ve got to get a shower and—” he broke off. How could he do that when he had to take care of Mac?
Lucy read his mind again. “Go on. I’ll ask one of the guys to carry the crib to your house. Just lay her down when you take a shower. Maybe she’ll sleep for you. She should be tired.”
“Tired,” Mac whimpered, and rubbed her eyes with a tiny hand.
“Okay sweetie,” he whispered, “we’ll go lay down.”
Lucy smiled at him. “Don’t look now, but you’re sounding like a Daddy.”
He fired a look at her. “Don’t get any ideas, Lucy. I mean it.”
“Oooh, your stern expression.” She held up both hands. “Color me terrified. Go. Go home. One of the guys will be there in a few minutes with the crib.”
Jesse left the house with a sick child on his shoulder and a block of ice in the pit of his stomach. He was being drawn deeper and deeper into the lives of Jillian and Mac. Now he had a baby girl looking to him for comfort. How could he walk away from that?
And what was it going to do to him when he finally had to?
* * *
By the time Jillian arrived at the ranch, she was tired, on edge and worried about Mac. Lucy had called her at work to say that Jesse was home and taking care of the baby. It had made her feel better to know that Jesse was with Mac because she knew how much her daughter loved the man. But at the same time, it was awkward because of the way things had been left between she and Jesse.
Now, she wasn’t sure what to expect when she walked into Jesse’s house. Late afternoon sunlight poured through the door with her entry and lay across the wood floor like a path Fate wanted her to follow.
“Jesse?”
“In here,” he answered, his voice quiet, soft.
She walked into the great room and dropped her purse onto the first chair she passed. The room was dim, but there was enough light for Jillian to see Jesse lying down on one of the couches, Mac asleep on his chest. He looked at her and held one finger to his lips for silence.
His hair lay across his forehead, he had one arm around her baby girl, keeping her steady. He smiled at Jillian and her heart turned over. Just like that, it was done. The final tumble.
She was in love.
Maybe she had been all along. Who could resist a man who not only turned your blood into lava but was strong enough to be gentle and sweet with a child? This wasn’t good and she knew it. Jillian hadn’t been looking for love and she knew Jesse wasn’t interested in anything remotely resembling a relationship, so there was nothing ahead of her but pain.
Yet, she couldn’t regret this feeling. There would be plenty of time for regrets in the future. For this moment alone, she was going to enjoy the sensation of having her heart stolen. All the years she’d spent protecting her heart now felt like she’d really only been waiting. For Jesse.
“She just fell asleep,” he said, stroking Mac’s back.
“I should get her home.” And get herself away from Jesse before she revealed too much.
“There’s a crib here. Let her sleep.”
Jillian kept her gaze locked with his and she saw that he wanted her to stay. She wanted it, too, but how could she hide what she was feeling from him?
While she stood there, frozen with indecision, he stood up, moving carefully, holding Mac close. Looking at him, Jillian felt the last of her resolve drain away. She didn’t want to leave. She’d missed him fo
r days. She loved him. She wanted to be here. With him. For as long as she could.
“Will you stay?” he asked.
Looking into his chocolate-brown eyes, she knew there was only one possible answer. “Yes.”
With Mac asleep in her crib, Jesse and Jillian went into his bedroom just across the hall.
“Can we hear her?” Jillian whispered as he unbuttoned her shirt. His fingers brushed her skin and she sucked in a gulp of air.
“Both doors are open,” he whispered back, “we’ll hear her.”
Jesse’s bedroom was a male bastion. Browns, beige and forest green were the colors, and Jillian thought it was almost like bringing the outside in. The bed was wide and covered in a dark brown duvet. There were two chairs pulled up in front of a small, green-tiled fireplace, bookcases on either side of the room and photos of the ranch framed and hanging on the walls. The bedside lamps were brass and there were French doors that led onto the stone porch.
And there was Jesse. Jillian stared up into his eyes and wondered how she could ever have tried to convince herself that she wasn’t in love. She threaded her fingers through his hair as he backed her toward the bed. He laid her down on the mattress then stretched out beside her.
She laughed a little. “How did we get naked so fast?”
“It’s a gift,” he said and bent his head to kiss her.
Their first time together had been a feverish, desperate joining as they each reacted to the tension that had built between them for weeks. Tonight, there was no fever, just the swamping need. She saw desire in his eyes and wished she could see more.
“You’re thinking,” he chided when he lifted his head to look at her.
“Make me stop,” she said and took his face between her palms. He kissed her again, and Jillian’s mind blanked out. How could she possibly gather thoughts or worries when his mouth was on hers? When his hands were sliding up and down her body?
He touched her everywhere, as if burning every line of her body into his mind. She ran her hands over his chest, marveling at the muscled, bronze skin and the warm feel of it beneath her palms.
Rich Rancher's Redemption Page 13
