to feel that awful chill deep in his chest, and then he would be back in that moment. He belonged in that moment. The pain was worst there.
Something cold and wet smacked him in the face. Kaie gasped and wiped it away. Peren was laughing. And then, for no reason he could think of, Kaie was too.
Thirty-Four
They were building something around him. His mother and father. The people of the village. Samuel the brute. He was lying in a pile of branches and they were each coming up with another armful. He tried to call out to them, to ask them what they were doing or tell them how much he missed them. But he couldn’t talk. Nothing came out of his mouth but a ragged burst of air.
Bit by bit, they built it around him. He tried to climb off but he couldn’t move at all. Not until they were all finished adding their part. Not until it was done. Then all the others faded back and two new figures stepped forward. Kaie sat up, leaning close. He squinted, trying to see who they were.
They were in front of him in an instant. Holding hands. Looking so perfect, just like they did that day on the hill. Amorette and Sojun. Encouraged by his ability to move, he tried to talk again. This time it worked. “You’re here!”
Sojun laughed. Warm and hearty. The sound of childhood. “We wouldn’t miss, this Rosy.”
He frowned. Confused. “What is this?”
Amorette laughed. Cold and brittle. He cringed. The color drained away from the world. “Can’t you tell, Bruhani? This is where you belong. This is where the dead go.”
The pile of sticks burst into flames. As the heat climbed up, as his skin bubbled and split, he understood. It was where he belonged. It was his pyre.
The scream tore through him. He jerked up, sobbing. He was not burning. The fire was beside him, and he was on the ground. Not a pyre. Where was Peren? She was always next to him.
“Kaie?” The voice came from across the room. He remembered. Things were different now. It didn’t seem right, her sleeping beside him. So she was on the other side of the fire.
She didn’t stay there, though. She was beside him in an instant. Before he thought about it, before he could convince himself it was wrong, he wrapped her up in his arms and buried his face in her hair. An anchor, holding him here against the current pulling him back into the nightmare. Her small hands rubbed his back while he battled against the sobs. Slowly, the memory of burning alive faded and the terror released its grip on him.
When he was able to lie down again, she draped the blanket over him. For a moment he felt her indecision. Kaie didn’t wait for her to decide she was supposed to be across the fire from him. It was him taking her hands this time. Her head tilted, and the question on her lips was so obvious he could see it coming even in the dark. But she never asked. Instead she slid down under the blanket.
It was strange, holding her. It didn’t seem right, taking comfort after everything he did. Like maybe he was trying to replace one girl with another.
“Will you tell me what happened? Before Vaughan and I got here?”
He didn’t know he was going to ask until the questions were already out. He expected Peren to stiffen and pull away. The way Amorette would if he asked it of her. But the girl in his arms now was not the same as the one he did then. All she did was squeeze his hand. “Are you sure?”
He nodded. “I need to know.”
“Because you loved her?”
“Because sometimes I didn’t,” he answered. “And I need to know which one was right.”
Peren was quiet just long enough to make him worry she was upset. But when she spoke, her voice showed no sign of any emotion at all. “She was very angry. I didn’t understand why. She kept saying I was ruining everything. When I asked what I was doing, she hit me.”
Kaie cringed, the image of such an event far too easy to summon up.
“After that, she calmed down. She said that she would only let you go if I paid for you.”
He cringed again, hearing the words echo in his head. “So you gave her your mirror.”
Peren tilted her head in its spot on his shoulder until she could look into his eyes. Kaie met her gaze reluctantly. The pain he expected wasn’t there, though. All he saw was concern. “Not at first. I said she could have anything. She made me tell her about everything.”
He let out a slow breath of air, wondering what he did to warrant such an offer from a girl who he knew so little about. He wanted to ask but was afraid of the answer. “She didn’t want the tangerine, huh?”
Peren smiled. “I was surprised, too.”
“It was your mirror.”
“My mother’s mirror,” she confirmed. “I told Amorette it was the only thing Vaughan and I had left of her. Then she laughed and said it was a start.”
Kaie couldn’t stand looking at her any more. Bad enough when it was just a pretty trinket. “I’ll get you another. It won’t be enough, I know. But I’ll get you another.”
He could feel her chuckling into his shoulder. “Will you buy it with your smile?”
“I’ll figure something out. I promise.”
“You’re very sweet,” Peren said softly. “But there’s no use worrying about it. It was just an object. The only value was what I decided to give to it.”
“It was your mother’s.”
Her hand stroked the side of his face. She was trying to coax his eyes open. He could deny her nothing. Not anymore.
“I decided its value was you being safe from her. I think my mother would approve.”
Kaie shook his head. “It wasn’t worth it.”
She stuck out her tongue. “You’re here. Walking and talking. So I get to decide, and I say it was.”
He wanted to argue more, because she was wrong. But the way she was looking at him, like his presence set everything right, Kaie couldn’t bring himself to take that from her. “And Samuel? What was he doing here? Who was he? I know he was Luna’s. I saw him, the day before…”
A cloud passed over Peren’s face. Her eyes left his and drifted over to the fire. “Yes, he was Lady Luna’s.”
“But he didn’t have a collar. At least, I didn’t see one.”
“Lady Luna has plenty of experiments. The collar is just her favorite. Samuel wasn’t.” That got filed away. It was important. He just didn’t know why. Yet. “I don’t know what she did to him. But everyone knows he doesn’t talk. And that he hurts people. Especially girls.”
“Why would someone like that be with Amorette?”
Peren shrugged. When she said nothing for several minutes, Kaie realized she wasn’t going to elaborate. Maybe she couldn’t. He didn’t want to ask the next question. It wasn’t one that would rest though. “Why did he hurt you? He was with her, and you gave her what she wanted. So why?”
“I shouldn’t have said it.”
“Said what?”
“He was there from the beginning. He came in with her. I asked her about him, and she said something about a deal with Lady Luna. I didn’t really understand. But he was going to leave with her, before I said it.” He waited. She sighed. “I was worried. He worried me. I told her that if I was paying, you were mine. And that meant she couldn’t hurt you.”
Kaie groaned. He could see it, all of it. Spinning through his head like a horrible play, determined to make him suffer for every blow she took. “Why? Why do good people keep getting hurt to protect me?”
The chuckle came from somewhere deep in Peren’s throat. “You really don’t know the effect you have on the rest of us, do you?”
“I don’t do anything.”
“You do.” Something in the fire shifted, sending up a rain of sparks. The light played off her angles, giving him a glimpse of something truly beautiful. “You give us hope, Kaie. Just being near you. Something about you helps us all remember what we used to be. Before we gave up. My brother thinks it’s something about the way you channel the Jhoda. I think it’s just who you are.”
“Must be why I’m so popular.”
She laughed again. Eve
n now, especially now, it was nice to hear. “Exactly. Even the Mistress likes you.”
It came out before he could stop it. “Amorette didn’t.”
“Not everyone can stand remembering,” she murmured, her fingers tracing a pattern onto his chest. “Some people need to believe that what they’ve become is all they could ever be. That’s not your fault. Not even if you want it to be.”
They lapsed into silence after that. Kaie didn’t want to listen to her find all the different ways to convince him he wasn’t to blame. She believed it. He knew that. But he also knew better.
Sleep was threatening. She was still tracing that pattern on his chest. It was strange and relaxing, in equal parts. Just like everything else about her.
“You want to see Sojun, don’t you?”
“Mmhmm,” he replied, half asleep already.
“He won’t help you figure out if which was right.”
“I know,” Kaie admitted. “But I have to tell him anyway.”
Thirty-Five
The Mistress was due back that night. Vaughan told him that Luna and Josephine were both eager to tell the Lady Autumnsong why two slaves were dead. But while he knew that he might be handed over to Luna’s ministrations as a result of the events of that day, he found it difficult to worry about.
There was no way to plan for anything. He didn’t know what Lady Autumnsong would decide to do with him, and he couldn’t impact that decision in any way now. So it was difficult to spend time with Vaughan, who could do nothing but worry. Peren was better. She never mentioned any concern on the matter. But he still caught
Burnt (Blood and Fire Book 1) Page 35
