by Kailin Gow
“What is it, Summer?” Astor asks. “I thought this is something you’ll be happy about, especially since it’s for Aunt Sookie.”
“Oh, Astor,” I say. “You are too good to be true.”
“I take it that you’re not unhappy about it,” Astor says.
“No, I’m overwhelmed by such a gift, Astor. It is too much, but that’s only because it’s such an amazing thing you’ve accomplished and are accomplishing. It makes me so proud to know you, to be your friend and to…”
“Friend?” Astor asks, his face breaking down into disappointment. “I hope I mean more to you than that, Summer. A lot more. You know how I feel about you, at least I hope you do.”
“Would you have done this for me, if we were just friends?” I ask.
Astor looks down and up again. “Yes,” he says. “That’s because I hold a lot of respect for your aunt, and two, because it’s something important to preserve, to do for everyone, for film in general, and history. Aunt Sookie taught me that. I’ve reached a level of success in my life, Summer, and I want to do something important with it.”
I smile then and say, “Thank you, Astor. This is by far, one of the most special and thoughtful gifts I’ve ever had.”
“Good,” Astor says, “because it’s so hard to top that one, to get you something meaningful to you.” He leans over to kiss me then, running his thumb along my jaw. “I can’t seem to get enough of kissing you,” he whispers hoarsely.
We keep kissing until my stomach growl, and he laughs softly. “Looks like we have to feed you, Summer. Let’s go.”
*****
Astor takes me to a place near his canyon home, a hidden away restaurant with a view of the city and the ocean away. He’s gotten much more famous than when I last saw him, and now everywhere we walk, there are constant glances at us and whispers.
A couple of young women approach our table, wanting a photo with him, which he obliged. Then there are a few more who asked for his autograph.
It was like that the until meal, and we barely got any conversation in. Whatever private conversation we wanted had to be muted because it seems all eyes and ears were trained toward every movement and conversation we’ve had.
Astor leans in and whispers into my ears. “I’m sorry about this, Summer. I thought this place wouldn’t be so packed, and it used to be just people I’ve seen here. Now it’s more touristy.”
“Or maybe you’re just more famous,” I joke.
“Or maybe because they can’t stop staring at the ravishingly beautiful girl I’m with,” he says, smiling into my eyes.
I smile and look down. His eyes seem to want to communicate much more to me than I’m ready for.
“Summer,” Astor’s voice is soft but serious. “I want to say how sorry I am about what happened with the car and the vandalism at the Academy. I have a nagging suspicion it’s from some fans who think you’re the bad guy in the relationship, that you broke my heart and you’re to blame for me being so sad lately.”
I take Astor’s hand in mine and hold it tightly. “Astor, if you were the one to encourage your fans to stalk me, to write those horrible things about me and post it all over the internet, that’s one thing, and I know there are some famous people who would, but you don’t encourage that. You’re such a giving person, and your success comes from hard work not from bashing other people, including exes. I would never blame you for what happened to me, but at the same time, Astor, I know your fans love you and want you happy. I’m just not sure if I can make you happy.”
“Summer,” Astor is squeezing my hands now. “Don’t say that. I’m happy being with you. You don’t have to make me happy, and I’m not expecting you to. No one person can make another person happy. That comes from within. I know that, and I know what you’re going through is a lot to handle right now.” He pauses and licks his lips. “I don’t want to put you through any danger or any hurt anymore. And if being seen with me, being photographed with me, or dating me will put you in harm’s way, maybe I should stay away from you…maybe I have to, to keep you safe.” His eyes begin to glisten, and I know he’s tearing up.
“Astor…”
“Summer,” he leans in close. “I’m doing this because I love you so much, and I don’t want you to get hurt. When I heard about your car being broken into and the windshield shattered and then the Academy vandalized like that with those hateful words aimed at you, from Rachel this afternoon, I knew I had to put a stop to it. Whatever I can do to help.”
So he knows about all the harassment I’ve faced. I have to love Rachel for that.
He takes a sip from his glass of water and continues. “I want so much from this relationship, and at the same time I’m so sorry I wasn’t there all the time, everyday for you when you needed me to be, after your aunt passed. I’m thrilled with how well my career is doing, but I’m agonizing how it’s affected you and us. It takes some sacrifices on both our parts to be together right now. I want to be with you so badly. I want to share with you all these amazing experiences I’m experiencing, yet I know you have your obligations and can’t drop everything for me just to be with me.”
“Neither can I expect that from you, too,” I say. “To drop everything you’re doing to fly back so you can take care of me and be with me whenever you want.”
“We’re still so young,” Astor says. “I’m barely out of my teens, and you’re still in school…”
“I’ve finished with school just last week, “I say. “Graduated early so I can go to college earlier, but yeah, eighteen is still young.”
Astor’s face lights up like a Christmas tree. “Oh Summer,” he pulls me in close to kiss me, despite the looks around us. “I’m so proud of you.”
I smile happily. It is something to be proud of, finishing high school, and starting college.
Astor looks thoughtful then. “So you’re free? You don’t have to be here all the time?”
“I have the Academy to run, and I’ll be attending USC,” I say.
“That’s where I want to go for film school,” Astor says. “Maybe after a few more films I’ll go back and get a college degree, become a director or start my own production company.”
“That’s a good option to keep open,” I say.
“But I want to keep another one open,” Astor says. “I want us to be another option. Maybe not now, but someday in the near future, we can be together. When my career gets less crazy or when you can find someone to help manage the Academy for you.”
My stomach scrunches up, and although I know what he’s saying, and I agree with him, I can’t help feeling incredibly sad. My eyes begin tearing up then, and I reach out for my napkin to wipe the corners of my eyes, but his hand covers mine. He holds unto my hand for a while just staring at it.
“I don’t know if I can go through with what I’d planned,” he says.
I’m a little confused too because I thought he wanted to get back together with me, to talk, but now it seems he’s the one breaking up with me.
“Astor, I look at him directly in the eye. “What’s going on?”
He looks away and then at my hand again, taking his finger to trace circles on my hand, wanting to entwine his fingers into mine. I can see the ache in his face, his jaws are clenched tighter, and his eyes are burning. This isn’t the laid back mild-mannered star that’s portrayed for millions to see on television or in films. This is Astor, as real as he gets. He finally gives in and entwines his fingers into mine, bringing my hand up to his lips to place a kiss on it. Then he holds my hand against his cheeks as he rubs into it, craving affection from the touch.
“Summer, I come from a family consisting of a single mother, who was very young when she had me. I had to grow up fast because there were no parents around when I was younger. Mom had to work a couple of jobs just to make ends meet, and I have no idea who my real father is. So when I was twelve, and an agent discovered me at school for a casting of a kid’s show, it was a big break for my mother and me. It opened doors, b
rought food to the table, and enabled my mother to live a little besides working all the time. Eventually, she remarried, and she’s been with my step-dad ever since. But this acting thing…it’s the only thing I know. It’s the only way I know to make a living. I don’t know what I’d do without it. Only…now, it’s become something that’s standing in the way of me being with you, and I want to be with you. But I can’t. I have so many people relying on me now for their living, and if I fail and step away from all that, I’ll put some families out on the streets because they’re relying on me to keep acting. I feel stuck, but I also feel there’s a way. But that way is going to hurt, and I’m not prepared to do it that way because I don’t want to give you up. I’ve had dreams of us, you know.”
He grips my hand so hard now, it’s beginning to hurt. He says, “I dream of us together all the time, traveling the world, making wild passionate love in all the places we go to, learning about life together, learning about each other, teaching acting, working with kids from underprivileged places, helping them gain confidence in themselves, big dreams like that.” He lessens his grip on my hand now. “Together. Same dreams. Same goals. I haven’t found anyone, any other girl who feels about certain things as passionately as I do. I haven’t found any other girl who can make me feel so vulnerable and insecure and crazy and happy at the same time as you do. But in order to do what both of us need to do, to accomplish our tasks and obligations now so we can do the other dreams later, then I’ll have to give you up. It tears me apart, and I know if I keep going, seeing you, wanting you, it’ll be harder for both of us now. So, Summer…”
A single tear drop falls on his cheek and unto the hand he’s holding against his cheek. His voice seems loud and clear when he says this, “I can’t be with you anymore, Summer Jones. I will always love you. You are the sweetest, most kind person with the biggest heart I’ve ever met, but you’re too good for me, and I can’t fulfill what you need from me, given my schedule and everything. This relationship just won’t work.”
With that, he gets up from the table, dropping my hand, and stepping away from the table.
It’s silent all around, and it’s like the whole place suddenly stopped talking, cluing into our conversation. The silence is broken then as one person from another table close by snapped a photo of us from their phone, while a few others snapped photos, too.
“Come on,” Astor whispers into my ears, “Let’s get out of here,” he takes my hand and leads me out so fast to his car, I barely have the chance to snatch my coat and purse.
He helps me into the car before hurrying up into his side and quickly back out of the parking lot of the restaurant.
“Summer?” he asks when we’re far away enough. “Are you alright? You haven’t said a word since we left the restaurant.”
I turn to look at him, and I don’t know whether to slap him or to kiss him.
“Summer?” he touches my chin and cheeks with his hand and caresses my face. He has a look of adoration in his eyes and a little bit of triumph. “I’m sorry I broke up with you at the restaurant,” he says.
“At a very public restaurant,” I say.
“A very public restaurant,” Astor agrees.
“Where everyone can see how clearly you broke up with me, instead of the other way around,” I say. “Now it’ll be all over the tabloids…”
“And no one can blame you for anything, and no one can be jealous of you for being with me,” Astor says.
“So you did all this to get your fans off of me,” I say.
“Rachel thought it up,” Astor says. “She’s got the makings of a publicist.”
“She wants to go into acting,” I say.
“She does?” Astor asks. “Maybe I can help her there.”
I take his hand in mine. “Astor, you are too good to be true.”
“I wish you can change your mind about us one day, Summer. I only broke up with you publicly because I don’t want you being ripped to shreds by the obsessed fans. Not all of them are like that, but you never know, and given what happened today…”
“I know,” I kiss his hand and bring it to my cheek.
Astor inhales sharply and says, “Summer…”
“Astor…”
“I’m not going to push you or embarrass me any further,” he says. “But you are going down in my book, as one of my greatest love one day, and hopefully the only.”
“We’re still young,” I say. “I don’t know what tomorrow will bring, but I’m not planning on getting married anytime soon. I’ve learned that from Aunt Sookie. To live a little, to travel a little, see more, meet more people, and experience more things…and if we’re meant to be, Astor, someday, that will come true.”
“For now,” he says, “I’ll savor this, and I’ll savor our friendship. After all,” he says. “Good friends are hard to find.”
“Yes,” I say. “They are, and I value your friendship more than anything.”
“Same here,” he looks wistfully at me before wiping the corner of his eye.
Chapter 13
Summer
When I get home, Astor walks me to the door. He kisses me softly on the lips and lingers there for a moment before letting go. He’s standing there holding me tightly against him, hugging me as though he won’t let go, when Rachel opens the door.
“Oh hi,” she says looking as innocent as possible. “Hope everything went well,” she gives Astor a look, and he nods before turning away.
I watch his sexy body walk away from me, all six feet of him, and see him turn back to look at me. His mouth is open, and I see him look anguished before he gets into his car. He looks at me through the windshield, and holds my gaze. I feel like crying, like running to him and throwing open his car door, and to jump in to hold him, but he revs up his engine, and drives away before I can blink.
Rachel’s voice brings me out of my misery. “For what it’s worth, Summer, Astor’s a great guy. I wished it could’ve worked out for you and him. I’m Team Astor, of course, if you haven’t figured that out. He really cares for you, Summer, so much so that he is willing to have his heart broken all over again to do this just so he can deflect all that hatred away from you.”
“I know, Rachel,” I say. “There is really more to Astor than what everyone else sees in public. I do understand him, and I’ll miss him very much.”
“I’m so sorry, Summer,” Rachel says, hugging me. “I wish you can find some happiness in your love life.”
“I don’t know what to do with you,” I say, almost laughing. “That was pretty bold what you and Astor cooked up, but I have to love you for it.”
“How about thanking me for coming up with something that may get you out of the limelight and into obscurity once again,” she says.
“We can try a manicure with ice cream or shakes again,” I say.
“Maybe in a day or two when I have class again,” she says.
“Deal. And if we run into Nicole or Steph, the evil twin bitches again, we can test out whether your plotting with Astor worked.”
“True,” Rachel says. “Although if it doesn’t. I wouldn’t mind dumping our milkshakes on both of their heads again.”
I laugh. “Pretty satisfying, wasn’t it?”
“Very.”
Chapter 14
Summer
The tabloids are all over Astor’s breakup with me, and I’m not sure if it’s bringing more attention to me than before or less. In the beginning there’s a lot of gossip and tweeting about how Astor Fairway has come to his senses, about how he realizes he is really in love with his film’s co-star, Lauren Banks, how I’m not his type anyways. All this fervor of news about me lasted for a full couple of days.
Afterwards, news of Astor’s movie details and other details about him drowned out news about our relationship. Instead, photos of Astor and Lauren Banks began surfacing. At first when I looked at those photos where he would have his arm around her shoulders, I would feel myself grow heated with jealousy. Does
Astor tell Lauren how much she means to him like the way he does with me? Does he kiss her slowly like the way he does with me? Does he give her thoughtful gifts?
I stop myself from torturing myself with these insecure thoughts. Why should I care? We are no longer together. I’m not even sure if we have been exclusive. I think Astor may have been more than I, but then again, Astor has been spending a lot of time on the set with his co-star. She’s there where he is, on set and on location. She plays someone who’s intimate with him. She knows exactly what he’s going through because she’s a famous actor, too. She’s beautiful, talented, and probably nice. Astor has mentioned how he gets lonely in Vancouver without me there. Now that he doesn’t have any ties to me, he’s free to start dating her. Suddenly I feel the impact of our breakup. It feels like a slap in the face, a loss, and then something hollow. Astor was Aunt Sookie’s prize student, and his mentor. Now she’s gone, and he’s gone.
I’m feeling pretty bad about the breakup and go out jogging along the beach, exercising off the tension I’ve felt for the past couple of days. As I jog to a natural rhythm, feeling my feet pound on the soft shifting sand, I hear footsteps following me on the sand. It’s like déjà vu. I turn around, half expecting to see Drew jogging up to me like he and I did all summer long, jogging to keep fit.
It’s not Drew jogging behind me, but another Donovan.
Tall, handsome, and broody. It’s Nat, and he’s wearing a black skintight shirt that outlines his muscular upper body, and black jogging pants. He looks fit enough to have stepped out of Fitness magazine. When did he get that fit? He’s always been fit, but not cut like he is now. That is Drew’s area, not Nat’s. but then again, it seems the lines are blurring.
“Hi Summer,” Nat says, jogging effortlessly up to me. “Mind if I join you?”
“Of course not,” I say, smiling and wanting to hug him. “When did you get back?”
“Not that long ago. Rach told me you’re out jogging so I figured I could use a jog.”
