by Kailin Gow
“Yes, Peter has been working a lot on your case, Summer. He’s head researcher. A real genius and knows a lot about a lot of things,” Timothy says. “Last, but not least, is Mandy, our Publicist.”
A girl with shoulder-length straight brown hair, an oval face, and glasses walks up to me, and shakes my hand. “We’ll be able to do something about all this, Summer. I know you probably feel like the world is against you. That’s what the haters want you to think, when in reality, and as we’ve uncovered through our investigation, there’s only a handful of them, who knows how to use SEO and feeds and other marketing means, to make it look like there are a lot of haters hating you. Don’t worry, there are so many more people who care for you and the school than you know. I know. I’ve gathered evidence, and I’ve found a few of them to give testimonials.”
My face light up. I have been beaten down, and my self-esteem has taken a dive because of everything that’s happen to me. But now, it seems I have some hope.
Nat takes me by my arm and we enter the limo waiting for us, heading straight to Donovan Dynamics, where the legal team waits.
Chapter 17
Nat
After the meeting at Donovan Dynamics, I wanted to take Summer out to eat at a nice restaurant overlooking the San Francisco Bay. It’s the kind of restaurant I imagined taking Summer to for her first visit. It’s a beautiful night, and she’s beautiful, wearing a white crepe dress that brings out her tan and clings gently to her curves. It’s a very lovely dress, but I want to tear it off her, to lick her skin, and make passionate love to her. I suggested the restaurant, but she smiles and says, “how about you take me to see your place? I’ve imagined over and over again your apartment near campus. I want to see it so I can place you when we talk.”
“Really?” I ask. “You’d rather forego the me wooing you at a fancy restaurant experience so you can see my place?”
“Why not?” Summer blushes. “You know where I live and everything about the place.”
“But we only have a few hours before I have to fly you home. I want to make the most of it.”
Summer places her hand on my chest and leans into me to kiss the tip of my nose and says, “I do, too.”
Boy, that cinches the deal for me. “It’s not too far from here,” I say. “We’ll be there in thirty minutes or so.”
“You still owe me a birthday dinner that you make from scratch,” Summer says as we hurry into my car, a sleek silver Audi A8. “Nice,” she says, feeling the leather interior. “Funny how Astor has one of these, too,” she laughs. “Seriously, Nat. With your shirt and tie, and this car, you are looking more and more like the future CEO of a billion dollar company.” She grins. “And it’s very sexy.”
“That’s the image I have to portray to succeed, isn’t it?”
Summer smiles and leans back against her passenger seat. “It depends on what you consider success, Nat. You don’t have to be anything or dress up like anyone for me to think you’re a success.”
A rush of warmth flows through me as I feel her words. She’s good for me. Summer’s warmth is good for me. It builds me up, and makes me feel like I can do anything. “Thanks for that,” I say simply.
“No, I mean it. You are doing great. I’ve always felt you were so perfect, growing up, and then you moved, and I thought how could someone so perfect leave me behind like that, and stop calling me.”
“Summer…” I start to explain.
“No, it’s fine, Nat. You don’t have to explain anything. I think I came on too strong, too much of a puppy dog for you, Nat. I crushed on you big time, and it scared you. Until this summer when I had Astor and Drew crushing after me, I didn’t understand the feelings of being overwhelmed by feelings and being confused, torn, with obligations and what other people want. Then I realize how it must feel for you.”
“Summer, it’s not bad at all. I loved it,” I say. “I loved every minute of knowing you love me and look up to me…only I don’t think I could ever fill your hero worship of me, Summer. I’ll fall short of your expectations, because deep down, I’m no hero. I’m someone who needs to do what needs to be done, and that’s that.”
“But you are a hero,” Summer says, looking at me with those huge soulful eyes that makes me want to pull over and kiss her. “What you’re doing for me now. You’re taking charge when I’m crumbling inside. You’re standing up for me when I feel like no one else is. Today, I finally feel like I’m going to be able to get my life back again,” Summer smiles. “Meeting your team and everything they’re doing, it makes me think we can fight this.”
“That’s what we’re hoping,” I say, determination making me push down on the gas pedal to accelerate faster.
“Rachel wants to move to the Pad after she finishes her semester at school, so I’ll have her helping at the Academy. Astor’s introducing her to his agent, and Drew is planning on starting at USC right after Christmas. It’ll be like it was before with Aunt Sookie.” Summer’s eyes are glistening bright with excitement. She looks happier like a weight has been lifted from her shoulders. “But it’s not the same, is it? You’re not going to be there.”
“Summer,” I say. “I want to be, but you know how it is.” I wish I could take that back, but I can’t. She needs to see that I’m serious about her, and if she wants me to fly out to Malibu more or even think about moving there, then she has to give me what I want, which is all of her.
And she does, tonight.
When we get into my apartment, and I switch on the light and turn up the temperature, I feel Summer’s hands circle around my waist, and she leans into me, wrapping herself into me. I can smell the intoxicating sweet jasmine and citrus scent of her hair brush across my face. She leans up and kisses me softly with her lips, and I kiss her back ferociously. “Nat,” she whispers. “I want more this time. I want to explore you, touch you, and please you.”
“Summer,” I said, stepping back. “Are you sure?”
“Each time we’re together, when we’re kissing, I want to know,” Summer says timidly.
“About what?” I ask gently. As much as I want Summer right now, I don’t want to force her into anything she’ll regret. I want her to want me for her, not for anyone else. “Don’t do this because you think I want it,” I tell her. “I care about you and about our friendship too much to make this all about something physical. There’s no going back afterwards.”
“It’s what I want,” Summer says firmly.
“What about Drew?” I ask.
She groans, “Why did you have to bring up Drew? We’re not together,” she says. “Drew is a close friend, but we’re not dating, and I don’t know if I can. It’ll complicate things too much. Things between Rachel and me, Drew and Rachel. I don’t know. Things are so complicated with him. I think he tries too hard, but then again, I’m confused.” She takes a breath and says more calmly. “The only thing that’s constant. The only thing that I’m sure of in my life is that I’ve always loved you, Nat.”
I sucked in some air when she says that. I feel the earth underneath me shift, and my heart must’ve missed a beat because it’s pounding so fast. “Summer,” I say, grabbing her. “I love you too,” I kiss her, and she kisses me back.
We undress each other as we kiss and make our way into my bedroom. We’re going a hundred miles per minute in hot passionate kisses that trails down to our necks and shoulders. She’s everything I dream of, in my arms, skin to skin.
As I lay her down on my bed and hover over her, I watch her eyes look at me with such love and innocence. She’s waiting for me to take her, and I’m so willing, except for that look. It’s the look she gave me when she was thirteen, and I was fourteen years old…the summer my family moved away to San Francisco, leaving Summer behind…the summer I fell hard for Summer and realized I can’t have her. I have just found out about Mom’s depression, and how it could be a mental problem that could be passed onto future generations. Meaning me, and most likely me. I’ve already displayed some
of the traits, and I’m most like Mom. I was worried that if I fell in love with Summer and we got together, then one day I would hurt her if I have inherited Mom’s depression. And I didn’t want to risk figuring it out with Summer.
After three years and seeing Summer again, though, when I haven’t displayed any symptoms for our family’s depression, that’s when I actually thought, hope against hope, that I can get together with Summer.
I want to so badly, and I think we will be together someday. My heart is beating so fast as I gaze down into Summer’s beautiful eyes, and she’s looking up into mine wanting me as much as I want her. I can’t resist that look. The look that says she would do anything for me, worship me, sacrifice her life for. I’m fulfilling some kind of fantasy for her, some knight in shining armor for her, and I know that at this moment, if I take her, with that fantasy of hers, she’ll only be disappointed.
“What’s the matter?” she asks. “Is something wrong?”
“No,” I smile, whispering into her hair. “I just want to savor you longer. We can do everything else, but let’s save that for later.” Instead of taking her, I kiss her and touch her, making her feel the pleasure of being loved by a lover, focusing all the attention and pleasure on her.
Afterwards, we’re holding each other in bed when she says, “I’m glad you don’t think of me as a kid anymore.”
I stroke her back. “I haven’t thought of you like that for a while, Summer. Except for when you and the twins were toddlers, and I was a year older, I may have thought of you as one. Other than that, I always thought of you as my equal. You’re the one person who I can talk to and be myself with. Even with the twins, I have to be the older brother.”
“And what am I?” Summer asks.
“You’re my summer,” I say simply. “You’re everything that’s good and have been good.”
Summer turns to me and smiles a happy carefree smile that makes me kiss her on her nose. “You’re my summer, too,” she says. “But I’d like to have you for the rest of the seasons, if I can.”
I feel the uneasiness creep into the pit of my stomach. “I know, me too. But I can’t right now. I can’t give up my responsibilities here and abandon my mom, the job, and school.”
“That’s right,” Summer softly says. “You have a life here. I don’t know what I’m thinking. I only get you for the summer, don’t I?”
I take a deep breath and blow it out slowly. “It’s not even that,” I mutter. “I’m not a kid anymore, Summer. I can’t take an entire summer off and hang out at the beach having fun, shooting the breeze.”
“Then I don’t even get that,” she says, sadly. She looks like she’s about to cry, but instead of that, she stands up, walks to my chair, and begins putting on her clothes.
I get up and go over to her, placing my hands over hers, stopping her from getting dressed. “I’m sorry, Summer. I wish we can make this work. But today, our meeting with the team, and seeing how happy it makes you to get some hope and relief back into your life…it made me realize how important of a job I have there. I’ll be running that company one day, Summer, helping other people like you, and I just can’t give that up.” She’s looking down and not even listening to me.
I use my fingers to tilt her chin up, and she is looking so sad, I pull her to me, and hug her tightly.
That’s when we both hear the knock on the door to my bedroom and look over at it.
Standing in the doorway, looking surprised and angry, is Drew.
Chapter 18
Drew
I don’t know what made me go over to Nat’s apartment tonight. I thought maybe I’d catch him before he takes off for Malibu. It’ll give me a chance to talk to him, to ask him how Summer’s doing. We’ve bonded in a way over helping Summer with this cyber-bullying crap she has been going through, and although I should be working on one more assignment to turn in, I drive to Nat’s place, thinking I can at least use his apartment to get some peace. Living with Mom has been stressful these days, especially when she thinks I’m moving to Malibu to get away from her. I’m moving there because I want to be there. So many reasons why, and the most important one of all is because Summer’s there.
My heart clinches with pain when I think about her. Why is Summer at Nat’s? Why is she in San Francisco when she should be in Malibu? Why are they dressed only in their underwear, holding each other like that? My mind wants to disbelieve it, but it’s not naïve like that, especially when it knows too much about what happens between a man and a woman in those circumstances.
So Summer and Nat…
My jealousy is so intense I feel myself wanting to drive back to Nat’s, to pull him aside, and punch him as hard as I can. I don’t care if he’s my brother. I don’t care if he loves Summer, and Summer loves him. He knows that it’s my turn to have my chance with Summer. He’s have plenty of chances. Now it’s mine, and he’s stepped into my territory, cut in line in front of me.
I pull out my phone, ready to call him and chew him out, but I don’t.
Instead, I drive back to our house, a mansion overlooking the San Francisco skyline, and sit in the car, looking out into the inky starlit night. Gosh, I’ve loved Summer for so long, and she’s loved Nat for so long. Did I really have a chance against that?
If she loves Nat as much as I love her, then the answer is “no”.
I want to cry, but I don’t. Instead, I open the door and get out of my car, walk into the garage, pick up one of the boxes I packed to have the movers take in the morning, and bring it inside to my room. I begin unpacking the box, placing things where it used to be. My mind’s not even thinking of the details. What am I unpacking? I don’t know. I don’t care. I’m doing something, something productive, even mindless. What I do know is that I’m calling the movers off. Even though I have gotten into USC on early admissions, I’m not going to move into the Pad.
If Nat and Summer are together, and I see them make love around the place, it would drive me so insane, I’d probably kill myself.
Epilogue
Summer
When Nat nearly makes love to me that night, it’s beyond what I have always imagined. He is the one I’ve imagined losing my virginity to and saving myself for. He is my first kiss, my first crush, and now my almost first time. I never imagined he will also be the one to make me associate deep fulfilling love with bottomless pain.
Although we have passion and love, we also have some major issues before we can become a couple. And that became so clear to me afterwards, when we can’t give up our obligations to find a way to each other.
Then there’s Drew. When he came in the door like that, his face so shocked and hurt, I’ve never felt so bad in my life. I know I’ve wounded him deeply. I just don’t know if I can repair it. I don’t know if I can forget the look on his face…betrayal and pain.
“Drew!” I run after him, my dress completely on by now.
Nat runs out after him, too, but he returns and says, “Drew’s already gone.”
“Where to?” I ask.
“I don’t know,” Nat says, getting his phone. “I’m calling him right now.”
“Do you think he’ll be fine? Should we go after him?” I ask. “I know I should, but I don’t have a way. You’ll have to drive.”
“He’s not picking up,” Nat says. “I know he’s taking it hard, but he should have known.”
“Known what?” I ask. “What are you talking about?”
“That you and me. That we’ve always have these feelings for each other. We’re bound to be together one day.”
I swallow back my tears. “No, he doesn’t know.”
Nat looks at me, and his face falls. “You and him…”
“No, we haven’t, but you and I, we’re not together like that, either. We have a few kisses and heavy making out, but…”
“You call what we just did heavy making out? How quickly you dismiss us.”
“No, that’s not it,” I say. “In order to have an ‘us’ we bot
h need to make that commitment, and we haven’t. We haven’t even committed to seeing each other next week. So, there is no ‘us’ unless we have that.”
“Summer,” Nat says. “I’ll do whatever it takes to have an ‘us’, it’s just I can’t promise next week. I’ll promise a date soon.”
“That’s not enough,” I say. “That’s not what Drew will do. He promises me he’ll always be there for me, to keep me safe. He’s even moving to LA to be there for me and the Academy.” I feel a rush of tears threatening to fall, but I hold back. Drew’s heart isn’t the only one broken just now. It is also mine. My lifelong crush on Nathaniel Donovan, despite how hot he is, and how he’s everything a girl wants, has been shattered. I love Drew. I’m not so sure if I can win back his love.
Nat
It appears that the shit hit the fan. The little brother I have been trying to protect all my life has been hurt by the one person he trusted the most – his own brother.
Like I said, there are demons in our family, and I don’t know how and when it surfaces, but when it does, it seems we hurt the people we love the most…which is another reason why I can’t fully love Summer the way I should, why it may not work out between us or that I may ever truly love somebody.
But when I saw how hurt Drew’s face look as he realized what Summer and I have been doing, it hit me in the guts how I felt when I caught Dad screwing his whore secretary.
