“Thanks so…” Kevin interrupts again.
“Not only that,” his father continues, “but I’m really proud of you. I think it must have been the hardest thing to deal with over such a long period and have no one to turn to. And to confront the entire issue, at such an early age! I tell you now, as I told Marcus a few years ago: I’m talking to you now as if you’re an adult and not a child, because you have shown me so much maturity and I think it is wonderful! Prost!” his father says and they tap glasses to cheer each other.
“Thanks, Paps! It means so much for me to hear that. I must tell you that God really helped me a lot with it and told me that I will need to have a lot of courage. Hearing you say this certainly makes it worth having courage,” Kevin says.
“I’m glad to hear that. Your mother does not feel the same way. I’ve tried to talk to her and you know how she gets sometimes. Just give her some time. And it would help if you wouldn’t bring around boyfriends right away. Just hold on a little,” his father says.
Kevin bursts out laughing and says, “I’m nowhere near having a boyfriend, so don’t worry about that. I’m just so glad that we’ve had this chat, so that I know how you feel. I’ve been worried about it!”
“Yeah, don’t worry. Things will be fine. I’ve always wondered about something and maybe you can help me with it, because I kind of had to deal with something before as well,” his father says.
“Yes, sure. What is it?” Kevin asks.
His father begins, “When I was at university, I attended a wedding. There was a guy who sat nearly opposite me and stared at me quite frequently. He later asked me if I could take him home, because he didn’t have a car.”
Kevin begins to move around uncomfortably on his chair, running his hand through his hair and looking around in every direction of the restaurant.
His father continues his story. “We were both drinking a bit more than we should have, and he suggested that we should go to the water organ at Wemmer pan here in Jo’burg. I’d never seen a water organ before, so I thought it was a good idea.”
Kevin takes a big gulp from his beer and sits with his elbows on the table holding his head in his hands.
“But then, when we had stopped there, we sat in the car and there was an uncomfortable silence. He then leaned over, ran his hand over my chest and it seemed like he tried to kiss me. I then pushed him away gently and said, ‘Sorry, but I think you have the wrong idea, mate.’ I always wondered if I handled the situation correctly?” his father wants to know.
Kevin lifts his head, exhales deeply and then looks at his dad and says: “Yeah, I think you handled it correctly. Do you want another beer?”
“Sure, let’s get another one. You’re fitter than I am, so you’ll sober up quicker than me. But don’t drink too much because you’re driving. I’m enjoying this time with you,” his father says.
“So am I,” Kevin says.
A week later Kevin sees Dr Barnard again and tells him everything that his father told him over the weekend. “You are very fortunate that your father reacts like this,” Dr Barnard says. “Usually, parents are not that keen to do any kind of research and just accept whatever anyone tells them about the topic.”
“I realise that and I’m glad he took the time to clear things up so that we know exactly where we stand. I like that,” Kevin says in reply.
Kevin changes the position in which he is sitting and then says to Dr Barnard, “I want to talk to you about something else. I think it is time for me to find someone to be in a relationship with, but it is not as easy as I thought. I don’t know where to begin. The other day when I was at the gym, there was a guy that I liked and I could tell that he liked me, but he was a bit older and when he heard I was 17, the conversation died down and he walked away. I hate that!”
Dr Barnard smiles, “I’m sure you do, but believe me, when you are my age you’ll respect older men who walk away from seventeen year olds. In many ways you are still a child…”
“I’m not a child!” Kevin snaps back.
“Oh, but you are. You are seventeen; you still go to school, so the fact is: you are still a child - a mature child maybe, but a child nonetheless. You can’t change that,” Dr Barnard says.
Kevin crosses his arms and looks away. Dr Barnard smiles again, strokes his goatee and says, “I can see that you don’t like what I’m saying; however, I do have a suggestion: instead of looking for a relationship now, try to find a few gay friends first, who are not necessarily into relationships. You have the rest of your life to find someone special. What’s the rush? Focus on discovering more about yourself first.”
Kevin looks perplexed and says, “But I know myself, better than ever before. What else can there possibly be to discover?”
“Do you realise that by saying that you have closed the door on the possibility that there is more to you than you think? You’ve gone through a lot of changes, which is wonderful, and now you should see how these changes affect you and how you view the world. Discover yourself first. A relationship has more to do with you than with the other person. You must know who you are and then you’ll find someone with whom you’ll fit effortlessly. If you enter a relationship too early, it will be all about the other person and how you should compromise and adapt. Then you’re bound not to grow as a person and after a while the relationship won’t grow either,” Dr Barnard says.
“I think you are right that maybe I should discover myself all over again. There have been a lot of changes in my life and I have grown enough to want to grow even more. I don’t want to stop exploring ever again. When I stopped exploring, my life started to become dark and chaotic,” Kevin says.
They continue their discussion along these lines and just before it is time to go Kevin says, “I suddenly remember: my dad suggested that I talk to Aunt Sally, Brendan’s mother, about the fact that he may have committed suicide because he was gay and didn’t know how to deal with it. He says that maybe it will help her to bring closure about his death, because she blames herself for his death and it wasn’t her fault. I can’t decide what to do. What do you think I should do?” Kevin wants to know.
“You’ve only given me one option. Is there another so that I can decide?” Dr Barnard asks.
“What do you mean?” Kevin asks - and then keeps quiet for a while before he says, “Ah, ok, I get it. The other option is that I leave it. I watched J Edgar, the movie, where his mother says that she would rather have a dead son than a gay son, when it was already obvious to everyone, and surely to her too, that he was gay. Maybe Aunt Sally feels the same?” he says.
“You will never know until you have talked about it. A person may say: ‘I prefer a dead son’ until the son is dead and then it is very different. I’m afraid it’s a choice you’ll have to make, but I’d say losing a child is the toughest thing for a parent and losing a child through suicide even more so. One can only hope it would help her, but there are no guarantees. It is hard for me to make an assessment without knowing her, but if she knows why it happened it may help. Not knowing is far worse than knowing. If she believes what you say about her son; that is an entirely different story. Good luck with that!” Dr Barnard says.
Chapter XXVI
On an unusually warm day, late in November, Kevin is sitting without a shirt on at home in front of his computer. He has finished school for the year and now has to find something to do during December. Most of the people he knows are either going to Mozambique or Cape Town for the holidays. Kevin and his family are staying in Johannesburg for the holiday, their first ever holiday in the city. At least there might be more to do, if he could only find someone to join him.
He logs on to Facebook as he usually does and then onto another website where he could meet other gay guys. James, a friend he met at the gym, told him about it, but until now he has not met anyone interesting. While perusing the profiles of others, he hears the sound that someone wants to chat with him on Facebook. He clicks to the other screen and sees it i
s Michael, asking him how he is doing.
Kevin jumps up with joy, rubs his hands together and has a big smile. He replies, “I’m well! Thanks for finally replying.”
Michael: “Not online for ages. My life has been hectic.”
Kevin: “What are you doing? Are you in Vryheid?”
Michael: “No, I’m in Germany, in Leipzig.”
Kevin: “Wow! What are you doing there?”
Michael: “I want to enrol here to study music next year and there are some tests I have to complete.”
Kevin: “Don’t you still have to finish school?”
Michael: “I’m done with school. I’m a year older, remember?”
Kevin: “Oh, yes. So, you will study in Germany?”
Michael: “Yes, I just have to see where. There are far more opportunities for me here. I’m so glad that I left Vryheid when I did, otherwise I would not have been able to see any of this.”
Kevin: ”Yeah, about that… I want to apologise for what I did to you all those years ago. I was so cruel and an idiot, but I know that now.”
Michael: “It’s OK. I’ve forgiven you a long time ago when I realised that if you didn’t act the way you did, I would never have known about the possibilities there are in music outside of Vryheid. It all turned out the way it was supposed to. I can see that now.”
Kevin is overcome with emotion and although he doesn’t cry, his eyes are filled with tears.
Kevin: ”Thanks, Michael. Glad you feel this way. I’ve changed a lot over the last few years and know how much I hurt you back then.”
Michael: “Kevin, I will always remember what we had. Some may call it puppy love, but I don’t think so. In my world you are my first love and that will never change.”
Kevin: “And you are mine…”
Michael: “Chat later. I have to go now. I’ll call you sometimes. It will be much better talking to you.”
Kevin: “It would. Enjoy! Love. XxX”
Michael: “Love you too! xXx”
Kevin doesn’t want Michael to go. He has waited so long for this moment and now it’s over. “At least Michael doesn’t hate me anymore,” he thinks, but his thoughts are interrupted by his phone ringing. It’s his mother who tells him that he should get ready so that they can go and donate blood. He asks her if Klara should be ready too, but his mother says that she’s too young. Kevin’s mother donates blood regularly.
On their way his mother says, “We all have O positive blood and that is usually in shortage. This year is especially bad and the December holidays have not even started yet. You’re old enough now and should donate blood regularly too.”
Kevin is not very keen on having his blood drawn. Like most people, he does not like needles, but if it can help someone, he will face his fear. While reading the sheet on reasons for self-disqualification, he makes a shocking discovery. It says that if he has had sex with another man, anal or oral, in the past six months, he should disqualify himself from donating blood.
He thinks about it for a while. He has never had anal sex, so that’s that, but oral sex? He thinks about it and realises that he hasn’t done anything sexually in the past six months. On the one hand he feels some indignation that he hasn’t, but on the other, at least he can donate blood.
When it is his turn, he lies down on the bed and decides not to look at the nurse putting the needle into his arm. “It’s not nearly as bad as I thought,” he says to his mother. After a while he looks at how the needle goes into the vein in his arm, and it doesn’t bother him.
On the way home, he asks his mother about the men having sex with men clause and that one should not donate blood when one has had any such activity for six months.
“It’s there because men who have sex with other men have a greater risk of HIV. That’s part of why I don’t want you to be gay. It’s really not the kind of world where you belong,” his mother replies.
“But that’s where I am. It’s not going to change. The strange thing is that even if I use condoms or have a relationship with just one partner, the wording of it is such that I would not be able to donate blood. It’s stupid,” Kevin says.
“They must have something like that or else it would cost them too much money to test all the blood, which in the end would just be a waste of resources,” his mother says.
Kevin knows there is a lot of talk about HIV everywhere and he has heard it before that some say gays are more vulnerable to HIV. He looks up statistics on the internet to try and understand it.
What he discovers doesn’t make any sense and, as is often the case nowadays, he discusses it with God. After a usual chit-chat between him and God, Kevin says, “I don’t understand why gays are singled out as more risky when the biggest demographic who have HIV are straight, black, women.19 I’m not in any one of those categories, yet I’m regarded as a risk factor. How does that work?”
“I don’t know. You should go and ask the people who compiled that form for an answer,” God replies.
“I know why,” Kevin says. “Because we live in South Africa and you can’t say that blacks are more vulnerable, because that is racist. You also can’t say that women are more vulnerable, because then you’ll have the feminists jumping up and down. And you can’t say straight people are more vulnerable, because that’s just strange, so let’s pick on the faggots because who cares about them anyway?” Kevin says.
“It may be that HIV was originally more prevalent amongst gays, but times have changed and people are just slow to adapt,” God explains.
“It’s no wonder that HIV keeps spreading, because facts are replaced by political correctness!” Kevin says, enraged.
“There are other reasons for it spreading, too. The biggest reason is probably that people do not accept responsibility for their actions and live a life without consequences, which is a delusional life and…” God continues.
“So, let’s say I get or give a blowjob to someone – that disqualifies me from donating blood. But since I have a blood type that is always in shortage, I can probably still ignore that and donate blood, right? For the greater good?” Kevin asks.
“Absolutely not! If you do that, you will bear false witness, which means your soul will not benefit from such an action. Everything you do must remain truthful and within the framework of the Commandments or loving thy neighbour as Jesus put it,” God replies.
“But I am loving my neighbour by donating blood. That should be greater than the false witness Commandment. If they do not receive my blood, they will die!” Kevin says.
“Then let them die. Mankind should learn: ignorance kills! You may have the desire to love your neighbour by donating blood, but those accepting it do not love you the way you are. Love works both ways. If you think you can promote love by bearing false witness, you are deluding yourself,” God says.
Kevin is horrified, “Are you advocating that I should let people die? This can’t be true!”
“You don’t let people die; the ones who compiled that form do, by their ignorance. It’s on them – their responsibility – not you. As I said: ignorance kills, not only in this area of life but in many other areas,” God says.
“OK, I get it. There is something else I’ve wanted to ask you. I read on the internet that there are some people who believe that Paul, the Apostle, may have been gay too, because he talks about the thorn in his flesh. Is that true?” Kevin asks.
“I think you should speak to Paul himself. I’ll inform him that you want to talk to him,” God replies.
“I can do that?” Kevin asks surprised.
“Of course you can. Jesus spoke to Moses and Elijah. Just as you sometimes speak to Jesus you can also speak to Paul,” God explains.20
“OK, cool. I’d like that. It would be an interesting experience,” Kevin says.
The following day, Friday, Marcus returns from university. He is a bit depressed because it is going to be his last holiday before he starts working in January. On Friday evening he feels like going to a
club. He asks Kevin whether he wants to go along.
“A club? I never thought of that actually. Sure! I’ll go with you. But I’m not 18 yet. Won’t it be a problem?” Kevin asks.
“I hope not. You look older than 18, so it shouldn’t be a problem. If someone asks you, just say you’re 22, OK?” Marcus says.
Kevin is rather excited to do something with his brother. They have never had much of a relationship and he doesn’t know why. He is used to competing with some or other girl for his brother’s attention. It will probably be the same tonight.
At the club, nobody bothers to ask Kevin for his ID and they get in without a hitch. The music is overpowering and he can feel it throughout his body. There are bright lights flashing. In every way the club overwhelms one’s senses. Kevin loves it. Both of them go to the bar first to get something to drink.
On the dance floor, Kevin and Marcus are dancing. Initially Marcus thinks that Kevin is a bit too extravagant in his dancing style and shows him a few basic moves. Kevin doesn’t mind that his brother corrects him. He would like to be good at this. He concentrates while dancing and looks at others to get some idea what to do.
As no surprise to Kevin, it doesn’t take long before a girl is interested in Marcus. The surprising bit is that her friends are also interested in Kevin. Initially it’s fine, but as time goes on, Kevin finds it a bit irritating, being surrounded by girls. They are constantly at the bar drinking shooters. After a while Kevin wonders: “Who is paying for all of this?” He certainly isn’t paying for anything. His brother is nowhere to be seen.
He tells them that all this drinking has put him in a mood for dancing again and he heads for the dance floor. On the dance floor, he looks around while dancing. He finds that there are certainly one or two guys who show some interest towards him and he likes that. However, soon enough the girls he had shooters with return and he is surrounded by three girls once again. He catches on to the fact that they are probably interested in his body since they are quite touchy. He doesn’t know how to handle the situation, but continues dancing anyway.
God's Little Freak Page 17
