“In your dreams!” Sahara said. She clicked off her cell phone and began to cry hard. “God, what is this? What is going on? I give my life to You completely, and now this happens?” she said. “I don’t understand. It’s not fair! I don’t understand! I finally decide to get myself together and to start living right, and now this? Oh, God, my mother is going to freak! This is not fair! It’s just not fair!”
Chapter 47
Now Joshua was old and stricken in years; and the Lord said unto him, Thou art old and stricken in years, and there remaineth yet very much land to be possessed.
—Joshua 13:1
Sahara didn’t talk to anyone after her talk with Dollar. Ma Ray came in on Saturday morning and instantly sensed that something was wrong. She tried to find out what was going on, what had taken away the laughter and joy Sahara had had when she’d left her home.
“Did something happen when you got here?” Ma Ray asked Sahara when she walked into Sahara’s bedroom and caught her crying.
“Not exactly,” Sahara said.
“Sahara, you promised you would be truthful with me. If something has happened, I wish you’d tell me. How can anyone help you if you won’t let anyone know what’s going on?”
Sahara got up and grabbed hold of Ma Ray. She hugged her tight. “Oh, Ma Ray. It’s not fair! It’s just not fair! Something that happened in my past is threatening my present and my future. I confessed my sins. I gave my life to the Lord. It’s not fair that I have to deal with this now! Not now. Not at this point in my life. It’s just not fair!”
“What are you dealing with?” Ma Ray asked as she stepped back from Sahara a little to get a better look at her face. “Pull yourself together so you can tell me what’s going on. Come on, now. Get it together. Whatever it is, it can’t be this bad, can it?”
Sahara walked away toward the desk with her computer. “Oh, it’s bad, Ma Ray. It’s really bad.”
“Well, no matter what it is, I know we’re going to get through it. What did I tell you about our God?” Ma Ray said.
Sahara looked at Ma Ray as though she wasn’t getting it. “But God is likely allowing this. He’s punishing me for what I’ve done. Other people do this stuff all the time. Grown folks, especially Christians who act all high and mighty… like they’re better than other folks, they’re doing it. Married folks, cheating on their spouses, a lot of them even we children know about, they’re doing it. Preachers, for goodness’ sake! Preachers are doing it as well. In fact, you can hardly read anything these days without reading or hearing about some preacher having done the exact same thing. And preachers are supposed to be above this; they’re supposed to be the example for the rest of us.”
Sahara was losing control now. “At least, that’s what I thought. So if they can do it and get away with it, then of course, we young folks think it must be okay. It has to be. If those God is supposed to be talking to are doing it, and they don’t appear to have a problem in doing it, then it must be okay. Right?”
“Doing what? Sahara, please tell me what you’re talking about. You need to calm down, take a deep breath, and tell me what’s going on so we can fix it.”
Sahara tried to get herself under control. After a few minutes of heaving and sniffling, she became calm enough to talk. “I may have AIDS, Ma Ray. AIDS,” Sahara said.
“What?”
“This guy I used to date … well, he called me last night and told me that I needed to get tested. Not for an STD, not for herpes, not for VD, but AIDS, Ma Ray. AIDS! I’m seventeen years old, and I, of all people, am not pregnant, which was the most I ever worried about. But I may have contracted AIDS.” She began to cry again. “What am I going to do?” She fell into Ma Ray’s arms.
Ma Ray held her. “First off, we’re going to pray,” Ma Ray said.
Sahara jerked up and looked at Ma Ray like she was crazy. “Pray? Pray? How can we pray? God is not going to answer my prayer. I was the one wrong. I went against what God said. Sex outside of marriage is wrong. Fornication is wrong. And had I heeded to His Word and His way, none of this would be happening to me right now. So how can I possibly go to God and petition Him for His help now? I’m getting what I deserve!”
Ma Ray braced Sahara. “You walk boldly before His throne and you ask Him for mercy. Because Satan is trying to convince you not to go to the One who has the power to help you, the power to change things, the power to make things right, the power to heal you, the power to grant you mercy—withholding the punishment that you deserve. Satan is trying to convince you that you can’t go to God, because Satan knows all about God’s power. Don’t let that crafty devil deceive you. Besides being a thief, the devil is a liar and a deceiver. Satan will tell you that God is mad at you, that you have no right to go to Him. But if you can’t go to God, then where and who else is there for you to go? Who?”
“But, Ma Ray, I’m a sinner—”
“Actually you were a sinner. You are no longer in the perpetual state of sin. You’ve relocated to the great state of grace. That now makes you a sinner who has been saved by grace. You’ve been made and are being made righteous, through the righteousness of Jesus Christ, through the shedding of His blood. Do you understand this?”
“I understand that I wish I could go back and do things over again,” Sahara said as she walked away from Ma Ray. “I would choose a different path. I promise you that I would if I could. I would make a different decision. If I could just go back in time and choose again, I would choose differently.”
“But you can’t go back. None of us can. So that means you have to begin where you are, and where you are right now … right this minute, is under God’s grace and His mercy. And I don’t know if you’ve heard this before, but every day, God gives us brand-new mercy. You don’t have to live off yesterday’s mercy or even what’s left of yesterday’s mercy. God gives you and me, and all the saints, new mercy daily.”
“I hear you, Ma Ray. But what do I do? What if it turns out that I have AIDS?”
“Stop it. Stop speaking these things. Life and death is in the power of the tongue, and you must speak life. That’s all I want to hear out of you from here on out—life words. The scripture says by Jesus’ stripes, you’re healed. So whose report are you going to believe? God’s or Satan’s? Choose, and then stick with it. Speak life.”
“Of course, I want to believe God. But what if God is mad at me? What if God is making an example of me? What if God says, ‘Forget you. Just like you forgot Me.’”
“Stop, Sahara.” Ma Ray walked over and hugged Sahara. “Here’s what we’re going to do. We’re going to pray. Then you’re going to tell your mother what’s going on—”
Sahara broke away from Ma Ray’s embrace and walked again over to the window. “I can’t tell my mother, Ma Ray. She’s not like you. She’s going to hit the ceiling. She’s going to blame me for having lived the way I have. I know she loves me, but she’s going to go off about this. I can’t tell her.” Sahara ran over and grabbed Ma Ray. “You could tell her for me. Or better yet, you can take me to get tested, and she’ll never have to know anything. That way, should the report come back that I’m fine, she’ll not have had to go through anything. Please, Ma Ray. This will work.”
Ma Ray shook her head. “That’s not right, baby girl. That’s not how it should be done. You have to step up to the plate. That’s your mother, and she deserves to know what’s going on with her own child. It’s not right for me to plot against her. And you shouldn’t want to plot, either. I’ll be here for you—you know that. But God has instructed you to honor your mother and your father. It’s not right for you to do something like this behind your mother’s back. And I won’t participate or allow you to disrespect your mother in this way. I won’t. She’s your mother, Sahara. Besides, honestly, we can use all the prayers we can get for this situation.”
Sahara broke away as she shook her head slowly.
“Come here,” Ma Ray said, beckoning her back to her arms.
Sah
ara continued to shake her head.
“Come here.”
Sahara came back.
Ma Ray wrapped her arms completely around Sahara. “I’m an old woman now. My time is not as long as it’s been. I’ve run a good race. I’m not saying it’s over yet, but I’m just letting you know. Somebody is going to have to pick up the mantle in my place after I’m gone. I need you to step up, Sahara, and be all that God is calling you to be. God has not given you a spirit of fear, so you don’t need to be afraid. I just told you I’m old. Psalm 37:25 says, ‘I have been young, and now am old; yet have I not seen the righteous forsaken, nor his seed begging bread.’ Did you hear that?”
“I heard you, Ma Ray.”
“No, you didn’t. I said I’ve been young. I’ve had my ups and my downs. I’ve dealt with some things that could have and should have taken me out a long time ago. Yet, I’m still here. I’m old now. And in all of this time, dealing with what life has dealt me, I have never … never … never—in the end—seen the righteous forsaken—”
“Nor his seed begging bread,” Lenora said.
Sahara turned around and looked toward the door. “Mama.”
Lenora came in and hugged her daughter. “What’s wrong, Sahara?”
“Mama,” Sahara said again, then burst into tears.
Lenora turned to Ma Ray as she held Sahara. “What’s going on, Ma?”
Ma Ray shook her head and started toward the door. “Sahara will tell you.”
“Ma Ray, can we pray?” Sahara asked as she stretched her hand toward Ma Ray. “Before you leave, can we pray? Please.”
“Oh. Now, you know me,” Ma Ray said, walking back. “Ma Ray never passes up a good prayer meeting.” She took Sahara’s outstretched hand and squeezed it. “Never.”
Sahara took her mother’s hand. “I’ll lead it,” Sahara said.
Lenora pulled back. “God is good,” she said, looking up toward the ceiling with a smile. She looked over at Sahara, shook her head, and once again said, “God is good!”
Chapter 48
But cleave unto the Lord your God, as ye have done unto this day.
—Joshua 23:8
Boaz came to visit with Ma Ray the week following Lenora and Edmond’s anniversary celebration.
“It’s certainly been an interesting week, huh?” Boaz said as he and Ma Ray sat outside on the porch swing.
Ma Ray pushed off a little with her feet to make the swing go. “Well, that’s an understatement if I’ve ever heard one.”
“So … how are you feeling?”
“About what?”
“About the girls not being here anymore. About everything that’s gone on this past week.”
“It is what it is.” Ma Ray looked over to the side and back. “I miss having Sahara and Crystal here. But it was the right time for them to be at home. They certainly brought a lot of life to this place, that’s for sure. As for Lenora, I think she held up pretty well at the party. Nobody but me and Sahara probably had any idea how much her heart was breaking. But Lenora managed to hold it together. Better than I thought she would. At first, she wanted to cancel the party outright. I told her that wasn’t going to change anything one iota. What was … was. You deal with things as they come. She and Edmond had spent all that money that they didn’t have to rent a place, hire a caterer with all that food. Family and friends had made arrangements to be there. They might as well celebrate what they could.”
“Honestly, Ma, Lenora generally brings so much drama, anyway; I didn’t realize anything was different. Sure, she was crying at certain times during the party. But then, that’s Lenora. I just thought she was happy about having made it ten years with Edmond,” Boaz said. “Granted, she has had a hard time. As much as I mess with her, I know she’s been through some difficult periods in her life. Some things I have felt she’s brought on herself. But still, she’s my sister. I love her. It hurts when I see that she’s hurting.”
“I know,” Ma Ray said. “But the Bible has told us that in this life we’re going to have trouble. Some of it is of our own making; some of it … is not. It rains on the just and the unjust. But I still know one thing. And that’s after the rain, the sun always shines. So it is in our spiritual lives. After the rain, the Son, that’s capital S-o-n, always shines.”
Boaz smiled and nodded. “That’s a fact, Ma. And God truly is faithful. Even when we’re not so much. God is faithful.”
“That’s why when I turned my life over to the Lord, I held on to Him with all that I had,” Ma Ray said. “I held fast to Him and my faith, that even to this day, I refuse to let go. I’m just glad that when the devil has tried his best to pluck me out of God’s hand, God has held on tightly to me. God promised never to leave me nor forsake, and at seventy-five, I’m a living witness and here to tell you that God honors His every Word.”
“Well, you know how I feel about God,” Boaz said. “I’ve been sold out for a long time myself. Seeing God work in your and Daddy’s life affected me back then, and it affects me today. But what I’m most thankful about is that I know the Lord for myself. I don’t have to look at what He’s done for others. I can look back over my own life and know who brought me over. I’m talking about things God has brought me through. Things that you don’t even a clue about; stuff no one knows but me and the Lord.”
“All of us have those,” Ma Ray said.
“So, what do you think is going to happen with Sahara now?” Boaz asked.
“Well, the preliminary results came back negative, thank the Lord. The doctor said he thinks she may have dodged the bullet. They want to test her again in six months to be sure.”
“But do you think Sahara gets it now? I mean really gets it? Do you think she’s going to turn her life around?”
“Boaz, before she left here, going back to Lenora, she was already a changed person. Will she fall again in the future? Who can say for sure? Who can say about any of us? Temptation lies before all of us. You know that. From the pimp to the pulpit, we all have choices placed before us daily. Sometimes folks choose right; sometimes they choose wrong. Who can say with certainty on any of us? That’s why we have to pray constantly.”
“But I’m trying to live right, Ma,” Boaz said.
“And even with that conviction, none of us can completely keep ourselves. That’s why we need the Holy Spirit, gently telling us ‘No,’ ‘Stop,’ ‘Not that,’”‘Not there,’ ‘Go another way.’ Our biggest problem is not that we don’t know the right thing to do. Our biggest problem is keeping our flesh under submission of our spirit. There’s a war going on inside each of us. Even an old woman like myself has my days. The flesh pulling one way, the spirit pulling another.”
Boaz chuckled. “Ma, what do you have to war against inside of your sweet, little, boring self?”
“Man, please. Some of these Christian folks can test you so badly. Do you know how often I want to tell somebody off? And some of my Christian siblings can make you want to cuss, not curse, cuss sometimes. Then there are those times when you know the right thing to do, like loving your enemies, but that war begins. Voices start jabbering, telling you how you don’t have to take things from folks. How you need to tell them where they can get off and how fast they can do it, and be done with them. Boaz, you go to church. You’re a deacon in the church. You know exactly what I’m talking about.”
“Yeah, Ma, but that’s not like fornicating, committing adultery, killing, stealing … stuff like that,” Boaz said. “You know… the top ten commandments,” he said slightly joking. “The normal ten commandments we also refer to.”
“Well, sin is sin,” Ma Ray said. “It doesn’t make a difference to God which one you’re charged with. To God, sin is sin, whether it’s a sin of omission or commission. Whether it’s done in the flesh or done in the heart—sin is sin.”
“Yeah.” Boaz rubbed his head, shaking it as he crinkled his nose a few times. “Well, thank God for mercy and thank God for grace. That’s all I can say. Thank God for g
race.”
Chapter 49
One man of you shall chase a thousand: for the Lord your God, he it is that fighteth for you, as he hath promised you.
—Joshua 23:10
Both Sahara and Crystal had wanted to come stay with Ma Ray that particular weekend. Lenora didn’t want them to; she’d felt she’d imposed upon her mother enough already. But with Ma Ray insisting, along with the girls, Lenora was triple-teamed and outnumbered.
It had been a month since the anniversary party. School was set to start in less than a week. This would be their last opportunity this summer to have some fun with Ma Ray before the serious business of school began.
Aaron must have known Crystal was coming. He’d arrived at Ma Ray’s house before Crystal got there. Of course, he tried to play it off like he just happened to be stopping by to say hello to Ma Ray.
“They should be here shortly,” Ma Ray said, after he’d said his greetings to her and told her he just came by to say hello to her. “You’re welcome to wait on the porch with me if you like?”
“What?” Aaron said, trying to look bewildered.
“Boy, don’t play with me,” Ma Ray said. “I know you’re here looking for Crystal.”
He started laughing. “Ma Ray, you’re all right. I’m glad you and my grandma are friends. You’ve definitely made a difference in my life.”
“Then my living has not been in vain.”
An unfamiliar car pulled up in the driveway. Ma Ray looked. It was Sahara and Crystal.
“Your mother bought a new car?” Ma Ray said as soon as she realized it was them. She gave Sahara and Crystal a big hug.
“You’re not going to believe this, but my father bought this car for me,” Sahara said.
“Edmond bought you a car?” Ma Ray said. “Edmond?”
“No. My father..”
“You talking about Quinton? Your father, Quinton? Quinton Nichols? Bowlegged Quinton? Quinton bought you this car?”
Ray of Hope Page 22
