by A. Payne
“Were you aware at all during your jaunt through the ship?” Ethan asked.
Hamish dropped his gaze to his lap again. The man lacked his younger twin’s confidence, and Victor had to wonder if it was a result of the experimentation and his captivity. “In a way. Imagine you’re in a hovercraft set to autopilot, but you’re unable to deactivate the program. It takes you wherever it chooses, and you’re merely there along for the ride.”
“Trapped in your own mind…” Trevor’s voice shook.
“Yes,” Hamish whispered. “I don’t know whether it’ll help your investigation or not. I remember everything, but what I know may be useless to you.”
“Any detail helps,” Victor assured him. “No matter how minor it may seem to you.”
“Okay. I’ll tell you whatever I can before we reach Albion.”
“We have a few days, Hamish.” Trevor sighed in relief.
“Your brother’s right, mate, there’s no need to rush it all out now.”
“Doctor del Toro,” Jem interrupted. The A.I. always made his name sound like a breathy sigh. “I thought you would like to be informed that Sergeant Raines is exhibiting signs of premature awakening.”
The coffee mug in his hands slipped and only quick fumbling saved it from shattering against the floor.
“Go, Victor,” Ethan told him. “You should be there when she wakes up. Trevor, Hamish, and I have this.”
“Thanks, mate.”
Chapter 31
Zoe awakened to a voice muttering above her supine form. Lifting her eyelids seemed comparable to bench pressing an elephant. A distorted view of the world greeted her, blurred beyond recognition.
“Ten more minutes, Ma,” she slurred drowsily. Unable to focus, she closed her eyes once more and nearly surrendered again to the desire for sleep. The mutters promptly ceased.
“Zoe?” The voice didn’t belong to her mother but her hazy memory failed to place an immediate name to the familiar cadence and timbre.
Fighting her heavy eyelids, Zoe tried again to bring the room into focus.
“Hey now, don’t try to get up just yet.” A hand pressed to her left shoulder and nudged her back against the bed, but Zoe didn’t even recall trying to sit up. Her desire to remain awake warred with her body’s need to continue resting. Just a few minutes more.
Victor’s concerned face swam into her view, derailing her desire for more sleep. “What happened?”
“You almost died,” he answered promptly. Exhaustion creased his scruffy face and made him appear older than his 39 years. “You’ve been asleep for hours since the surgery. Are you in any pain? How do you feel?”
Surgery. The word penetrated the fog and grounded her back to reality. She remembered unrivaled agony, the scent of burning skin and circuitry, and the deafening bang of a shotgun preceding the blinding light of an explosion. Panic and fear seized her when she recognized the loss of pain, and that in its place she felt nothing at all.
“My arm. I can’t… I can’t move my arm.” The realization struck her at once, a sobering truth that shook off the final vestiges of the sedative and replaced it with panic. Her pulse quickened on account of the adrenaline fueling her new sense of coherence. It took her back to memories she had tried desperately to forget. Not again, not again…
“Zoe, breathe.” Cool doctor’s hands touched her, and then his fingers swept over her brow in a soothing stroke. “Your replacement will be ready and waiting for us at the hospital on Albion.”
Get yourself together, Zoe. You’ll have an arm. They aren’t going to let you go without one. Those thoughts might have been comforting if she didn’t recall what it was like to be a fresh amputee. She shoved back the dark recollections and focused on the soothing music playing in the background. The melodic cello, along with Victor’s encouraging touches, calmed her racing heart and evened her breaths.
Gradually, the area gained clarity and allowed her to take in the surrounding recovery room. Each galactic cruiser kept four functional wards for the purpose of caring for injured soldiers, and at least a half dozen smaller rooms. She hadn’t been moved to one of those yet, as evidenced by the size.
“What did you do to me?”
Victor drew in a deep breath. “We reinforced your ribs after we dug out the scattershot from the round Daniels fired at your arm. Lil synthesized new tissue for the second and third-degree burns while I reconstructed your shoulder so you’d be a fit for the new arm. Other minor repairs, mostly cosmetic.”
Memories resurfaced of the military doctor on her old vessel, especially his avoidance of her eyes and the way he’d patronized her with a pat on the remaining arm, telling her a cybernetic limb would become her new replacement one day. Zoe spoke the misdirecting language of military doctors fluently, and when she read between the lines, it all became clear.
I’m hideous now. I’m a one-armed freak with a face full of burns. That’s what Victor isn’t telling me. The insidious little thought slid through her mind and brought tears to her eyes.
“I want to see it.”
“All right,” Victor agreed quietly.
The doctor reached up to grasp the holographic screen and redirect it toward her. It was meant for real time video conferencing from the sick bed, but since it wasn’t connected to another screen it merely displayed Zoe’s own face back at her. A shiny dressing covered the skin on her right cheek and jaw, fitted perfectly to the shape of her face. Another protective dressing curved down her neck toward her shoulder, where the remnants of Victor’s surgical work revealed her bandage-wrapped stump. Due to the nature of her injuries, she wore no hospital gown, only a sheet for modesty and strategic application of gauze.
“And my ribs?” Her voice cracked.
Victor nodded in agreement. He peeled back the bedsheet tucked around her chest, and one by one he drew away the corner of the bandages. A dozen circular scars littered her torso from the waist to her right breast, joined by a crescent incision. She’d never wear a two-piece swimsuit again. Not now. Not unless she chose to withstand hours of surgical enhancement.
Blinking rapidly failed to soothe her stinging eyes, and despite all of her efforts to remain calm, a quiet wail shuddered from Zoe’s lungs. Hot tears slid down her face and there was absolutely nothing she could do to stop them.
I’m hideous.
“Zoe–?”
“Go away,” she sobbed. He’ll never see me the same.
His chilly fingers lowered to her left arm, but they lacked the personal contact she had become accustomed to over the course of their relationship. He laid them upon her forearm like a doctor, her caretaker, but not the lover she desperately wanted.
“I said, go away!” she screamed at him, shrugging off the impersonal touch.
Zoe didn’t want Doctor del Toro; she wanted Victor, the man she loved.
I love him, she realized with startling clarity. It was the one clear and rational thought in her otherwise drug-muddled mind. But he doesn’t love me. I’m just his patient now.
“Zoe?” he questioned again. “I’ll leave if that’s what you really want, but I’d like to stay here with you. Please don’t push me away. Please.”
Words failed her, she couldn’t get a single one past the lump in her throat. She turned her face away from him on the pillow while numbness spread through her whole body.
Cool fingers touched to her cheek but Zoe closed her eyes tight. She didn’t want to see the disgust on his face. The pity. Another wracking sob shook her body, bringing a fresh upwelling of pain from her right side, as the shock of seeing her injuries and her emotional collapse burned through the remnants of any medications she may have been on.
“Don’t shut me out.” Tears were wiped away beneath the swipe of his thumb. “Do you want some pain meds? Tell me how you feel, Zo.”
“Y-Yes please. What’s going to happen to me?” Zoe finally managed to ask. Talking hurt, each breath akin to dragging glass through her throat.
Victor lef
t the bedside briefly, only to return with a cup of water and a straw. He offered it to her, and she gratefully slurped it down until the straw pulled only air. “We’re going to keep you in medical until we reach Albion.” Victor administered the pain relief through her intravenous line.
“Okay,” she croaked. Crying drained her of the will to do anything more than curl into a ball and go to sleep. Eventually, the surgical and phantom limb pains began to dull, diminishing gradually until barely a twinge of her physical suffering remained. It only solved half of Zoe’s problem. Despite all of the galaxy’s medical advancements, researchers had yet to develop a painkiller to numb a broken heart. “Thank you.”
“There’s no need to thank me, Zo. Christ, I’ve never been so afraid in all of my life.” Victor finally sagged against the bedrail and laid his brow against his arm. “You’re going to be okay.”
Victor’s actions conflicted with her recollections of a distant man who reprimanded her in his office then failed to reach out to her again. His palpable relief came as a surprise, contrary to what she expected upon awakening. “It’s not okay. I’m… I’m broken. An ugly mess.”
“You’re beautiful to me no matter what, Zoe. You don’t need me to tell you that. And you saved all of us. This entire ship has you to thank for it, and once you’re up for discharge from medical, you’ll see that.”
What the hell is he raving about? “I don’t understand.”
“Gifts and cards have been arriving from the civilian deck since word went out about what occurred at the facility. Everyone on board the Jemison knows, Zo. Even the Empress wants to meet you.” Victor took her hand and kissed her knuckles gently.
Who cared about the Empress? “But… you don’t want me anymore,” she whispered.
“Zoe…” Disbelief filled his voice. “Baby, no… why would you ever think that? Because of what happened in my office?”
It was only a small part of it, but Zoe nodded.
“That was work. I could never–” He cut himself off and leaned against the stiff back of the unyielding chair. “I overreacted by taking you off the team, but I never meant to imply we were over. Never. I’ve wanted to apologize since you left my office.”
It was almost too good to be true, to believe that Victor still cared, but there was one more thing she needed to learn. “But I saw you on Elora. I saw you kiss that gorgeous woman.”
Crushing silence fell between them. Victor didn’t offer an explanation, and she didn’t pry further. As far as she was concerned, the Royal Navy could discharge and send her home to her family where she desperately wanted to return. It didn’t matter if he hadn’t intended to end things, the fact remained that Victor had left her in bed to go dine with another woman. A stunningly beautiful woman.
“Why did you even bother saving me?”
His answer was instant and unrehearsed. “Because I couldn’t bear to lose another woman I love. Because you were the one who gave me a reason to live again.” His hands shook, the first indication that something was amiss. Victor’s perpetually steady hands rarely trembled.
The answer stunned her. She’d expected something trivial and automatic on account of his oath to save lives. She’d expected flimsy excuses regarding protocol. “R-really?” A fresh wave of tears spilled down her face that she tried valiantly to dry against her pillow. All the fight in her died, leaving a soul-deep exhaustion in its wake.
“Zoe.” He took her fingers between both of his hands and brought them to his stubbled cheek. “I intended to bring her to meet you that night, but the recall interrupted my plans.”
“Who was she?”
“She’s… You would call her my mother-in-law. My deceased wife’s mother,” Victor clarified.
Oh my god… Zoe paled, her body going cold before mortification flushed her skin warm with color. She moved to reach for him, but her dominant arm was gone. “You never said…” Married to an Eloran? I didn’t think that was even allowed.
“She sent me a message while you were asleep, asking if I had time to spare for her. She saw the military shuttles at the dock. Whenever one would come to Elora, she would write to me and ask if my new ship had come to visit.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?” She couldn’t hide the thickness in her voice.
“I was afraid of losing you. You’ve come to… to mean so much to me, and… and I didn’t think I could bear if you judged me.”
“Victor…”
“All the while that I served on the Glenn, I heard every joke there is about interspecies marriage. I had been the butt of everyone’s humor from my old CO to my fellow medical officers, all because Hannah couldn’t accept what happened and that I couldn’t be what she wanted. Ylona was the first woman to… This is ridiculous. You don’t want to hear this,” Victor groaned into one palm and abruptly ended their confessional. “Look, get some rest, Zoe. All right? I–”
“That’s just it. I do.” She hesitated, but pressed on with her next thought. Now or never, Zoe. “Is that when you decided you wanted to die?”
“Yeah,” he admitted, lowering his gaze. He smoothed his fingers through her hair, tidying a few errant strands. “This isn’t the best time to air my dirty laundry. I’m also your doctor. I should be caring for you now instead of making a fool of myself.”
Zoe took advantage and grabbed his hand. She held it to her cheek before he could move out of reach, unwilling to end their contact. “Please stay. I just… God, this is going to sound so childish, but I just wanted a hug. Anything. I thought you didn’t, you know… want me anymore.” Her voice faded with her admission.
“You’re the only woman I’ve wanted since Ylona died. The only one, Zoe.” He paused and attempted a strained smile. “I thought I’d be feeding you medicated protein paste with a spoon by now, not pouring out my heart to you.”
Hope had flared bright with his first words, easing the tight knot in her chest. She turned her face and kissed his palm before releasing her tight grip. “I’m an idiot. I’m sorry.” I don’t even deserve you.
“I… didn’t know what I’d do if I lost you, too.”
“Takes more than an exploding conduit to get rid of me.” Fresh tears spilled from her eyes to accompany her wobbly smile. “Just… talk to me from now on, okay?”
“I’ll tell you whatever you want to know. No more secrets. You mean the world to me, Zoe.”
“What a pair we make, huh? Like one of your classic movies. I thought that I’d not been… enough.”
“You are more than enough.” He brought her hand to his lips and kissed her knuckles, then closed his eyes and suppressed the nearly unperceivable shudder in his shoulders.
“Will you stay here with me?”
“There’s nowhere else I want to be.”
Afterword
Children are abused every day across the world. Most professionals estimate that the rate of sexual abuse may be anywhere from 8% to 20%, but in truth, the real numbers will never become known due to a low record of reporting.
As you may have already guessed, our hero Victor suffered greatly during his childhood while in the care of a relative. We neither wanted to glorify abuse, nor portray a weak hero, but we did want to create a story about a man’s transition from victim to survivor.
For some reason in our culture, male sexual abuse receives less coverage and sympathy, and it was this very idea that inspired us to write Victor’s story. While we never outright say it or have him admit it in the novel, Zoe was obviously sharp enough to grasp that it happened. Thankfully, he’s also had the friendship of Doctor Oshiro and Ethan to help him along.
Everyone isn’t as fortunate as Victor. If you or anyone that you know has been sexually abused, consider visiting this site:
https://www.rainn.org/get-help/national-sexual-assault-hotline
Art
We have an entire backstory that we made up about Victor and Ylona. She saved him at a time in his life when he felt alienated from everyone. He had an unsupportive
fiancée in favor with the rest of the crew and few friends of his own on the Glenn.
Why did he choose to deploy again? In our hearts, we feel that Victor deployed to exchange places with someone else. With a member of the crew waiting for the birth of his firstborn and no one else willing to take his place on the ship. We figure it had to be something worthwhile that Ylona supported.
While deployed those years during their marriage, she often visited him at ports, giving her a chance to see the world beyond her home planet. Nowadays in our present time, it isn’t uncommon for sailors to let their spouses know about planned liberty stops.
At the time of our story, marriages between aliens and humans are viewed similarly to how interracial marriage was treated in past decades. Will it change during the course of these stories? Possibly.
Sneak Peak
We intend for each book to read as a standalone, however readers of the series will appreciate learning more about the characters you already know and like. Here’s your sneak peak at the upcoming stories by title.
Across Our Stars: Hamish
Across Our Stars: Evangeline
Across Our Stars: Ethan
Across Our Stars: Lilibeth
Sneak Peak
Chapter 1
The scientists kept their specimen in a sterile laboratory room under a 24-hour observation. Sometimes, Hamish achieved fleeting moments of coherence when the white lights came into focus and their medical babble reached his ears. At other times, he slept on and on through a haze of neverending sedatives, only to awaken for scheduled exams and tests requiring his conscious mind.
“This is bullshit,” one of the voices muttered above him. She sighed, and then her cool fingers touched Hamish’s forearm to manipulate the IV port.
“We get paid no matter what. Who cares if we have to redo our work?” a second voice asked the initial speaker.
