"What fiends?" asked Remo, going out to meet him.
"Whichever ones abducted Thrush the Vocal. They must be depraved to commit such a heinous act."
"They also must be able to bench press elephants if they carried him off themselves. Come on. We gotta talk to Nalini."
The Master of Sinanju froze as Remo threw open the car door for him.
"Why must you do that?" he asked coolly.
"Clancy just pulled a flip-flop. He's sponsoring a bill to fight HELP. Could be he knows what happened to Limburger."
"Then we will rend his dissipated flesh from his treasonous bones," cried Chiun.
"Nothing doing. He's a U.S. senator. We don't mess with him without authorization from Smith. You know how he is about hitting politicians, especially if they're ours."
"I do not understand. What are assassins for but to do away with nettlesome rivals?"
"Look, Clancy belongs to a famous political family. I know they're mostly jerks, you know they're mostly jerks, and Smith knows they're mostly jerks. Could be he's more than a jerk. Could be he's pulling a scam for some reason."
"So?"
"So, he belongs to the same party as the new President."
"Ah." Chiun's eyes narrowed. "This new President, he is not to Emperor Smith's liking?"
"Every time Smith calls him, he's gotta remind the President to turn down the radio."
"The new President is an adherent of Thrush too?"
"Not Thrush. Elvis."
"The dead one whose restless spirit haunts supermarkets and post offices throughout this land?"
"That's the only Elvis I know about."
The Master of Sinanju's visage tightened in thought. "Perhaps after this assignment the opportunity I have been waiting for will come," he said thoughtfully.
"What opportunity?"
"To unseat the President and place Harold Smith on the Eagle Throne where he rightfully belongs and where he will be in a position to handsomely reward our loyalty."
"Never happen."
"Smith has secretly ruled this great nation for three decades. Is it not proper that he should come out of hiding?"
"Smith isn't in hiding. He's undercover. That's how he operates. Do us both a favor, don't bring this up."
"Why not?"
"Smith might be tempted this time."
Chiun smiled as he stepped into the car and allowed his penitent pupil to close the door for him.
They couldn't get anywhere near Nirvana West by car. Traffic was backed up. A half mile from the place, Remo eased the rented car up onto the soft shoulder of the road.
"Keep an eye out for anyone who might recognize us," Remo warned.
"I am not afraid of Ned Doppler and his ilk."
"Maybe not. But last time out an awful lot of TV anchors bought the farm. Smitty would be upset if you wasted any more."
"I only killed two. One by mistake."
"That was a hell of a big mistake."
"He was easily replaced," sniffed Chiun.
"Just be careful."
They slipped into the woods and made no sound as they worked their way to Nirvana West. Roosting birds were not disturbed by their passing.
"I guess we can scout the situation from that hill," Remo muttered.
They passed through an area of evergreens that had rubbery leaves instead of needles. Their scent was fresh and clean.
Something dropped from a branch onto Remo's shoulder.
He reached up and brushed it off. It scuttled away.
Further along, another sprang onto his head. Remo shook his dark hair and a brownish-red insect jumped off like a grasshopper to vanish amid the parched grass.
Chiun paused. "What is it, Remo?"
"Ant, dammit."
"Why are you so annoyed by a mere ant?"
"Because that's the second one that dropped on me since we got here."
Chiun shrugged. "Since you are an American, you should not complain when food offers itself to you."
They resumed walking. Remo had not gone six paces when another ant leaped onto his bare left forearm. This time, he lifted his arm to take a look at it. It was a rusty red and had the strangest head Remo had ever seen. It looked like a ram's head at the end of a long pipestem neck.
He shook it off, saying, "How come these pesky ants are after me and not you?"
"Because they are wise ants," replied the Master of Sinanju,
"Huh?"
"They understand the fate that awaits them if they intrude upon the Master of Sinanju."
"Ants aren't that smart."
"Nor are you, who cannot walk under a tree branch without acquiring passengers."
"Har de har har," said Remo.
Further ahead, they heard sounds. The noise of a car's suspension getting a workout, but no accompanying engine rumble.
"Better let me take point," said Remo, moving ahead.
Beyond a copse of trees with bark as smooth and shiny as watermelon rind, they came upon a long black limousine parked in the shade.
"We're in luck," Remo whispered. "That's Clancy's car."
"Leave him to me," said Chiun, leaping ahead.
The car was bouncing wildly now, Remo saw.
"Wait a minute, Chiun," he cautioned.
Before Remo could overhaul the Master of Sinanju, he had leaped to the right rear door and flung it open.
"Step into the light, pretender to the throne!" he cried. "For you have much to explain."
No one stepped out, so Chiun peered in. The limo had stopped bouncing on its springs.
Abruptly, the Master of Sinanju jerked back. He turned, his prim features shocked, his hazel eyes wide.
Remo looked in.
Blotto Clancy was sprawled on the spacious backseat, looking like a nude Jabba the Hut. He was sprawled over an equally naked woman.
The woman lifted her head to see over Clancy's cyst-pimpled shoulder. Her eyes went wide behind the eyeholes. The rest of her face was masked by a large fuzzy blue circle that seemed to be made out of cotton candy.
"Can't you see I'm interviewing Senator Clancy," the unmistakable voice of Jane Goodwoman snapped.
"I'm not Senator Clancy. I'm one of his aides," puffed Senator Clancy.
"If this is an interview, what's that blue thing on your face?" demanded Remo.
"Legal requirement," puffed Clancy.
"You told me you couldn't get it up unless I wore one," Jane Goodwoman complained.
"I can't--since my cousin's statutory rape trial."
Remo slammed the door and the limo resumed bouncing.
"What did I tell you?" Remo told Chiun as he led the Master of Sinanju away from the struggling limousine. "Nero would have been proud."
"Nero," said Chiun in a stiff voice, "would have had better taste in females."
"At least, it gets Jane Goodwoman off my back for a while. Let's see if we can't hunt up Nalini."
"Yes. By all means hunt up that other harlot. Perhaps Clancy will allow you two the use of his chariot when he is done."
"Blow it out your butt, Chiun," said Remo, walking away.
Coming to the base of a low hill, Remo started up the gentle slope. From the summit, he could see the rustic sprawl of Nirvana West, not much changed since the day before.
This time, the press had not gathered around Senator Ned Clancy. Instead, they were listening to Theodore Soars-With-Eagles.
He was trying to explain that Thrush Limburger had been spirited away by old-growth forest devils, angered that he insulted the proud Chinchilla tribe.
"Limburger said the tribe called themselves Chowchillas," a reporter shouted back.
"That was another tribe," Theodore retorted. "Our poor relations. We do not speak of them. I am a Chinchilla, from the soles of my chinchilla moccasins to the shoulders of my chinchilla cloak."
"There's no Chinchilla tribe registered with the Bureau of Indian Affairs."
"That is because my Chinchilla ancestors refused to register with the o
ppressive white man, so their braves would not be drafted into unjust foreign wars against other oppressed peoples. Because they were unregistered, they were denied food until their numbers dwindled until this day, in which I stand before you all-the last of the Chinchillas."
The press wrote down every word and asked no more questions.
The Master of Sinanju joined his pupil and said in a sere voice, "Yours is a cruel race."
"Oh, come off it. He's making it up as he goes along."
"Then why are the scribes not doubting him?"
"Because it's easier to copy than research." Remo frowned. "It's a sure bet we won't be able to get near Theodore any time soon. Damn. How are we going to investigate this mess with all this press milling around?"
"Perhaps by investigating Thrush Limburger."
"Good idea. Maybe we can locate the van he was supposed to have vanished from."
A change in the direction of the wind brought a familiar scent to Remo's nostrils.
"Hold the phone," he said.
"What phone?"
"Change in plan. I smell Nalini."
Chiun sniffed the air-or pretended to.
"I smell no such thing," he said thinly.
"Well, I do."
"Then you are smelling yourself."
Remo didn't answer. His dark eyes were raking the panorama below.
"There's her limo," Remo said, starting down the hillside.
Chiun called after him. "Remo, you are going the wrong way."
"Nice try, Chiun. But no sale."
Remo moved between the thick trees, stopping every so often to shake off the ants that seemed to like to drop off tree limbs and into his hair like hyperactive fleas.
He came out close to the black limousine that carried Senator Clancy's mother. The same security guards stood watch.
The back door was open and Mrs. Clancy sat inside, her paralysis-twisted features looking like something out of an old Creature Feature.
Her eyes happened to be looking in Remo's direction, so he thought what the hell and stepped into view.
Mrs. Clancy's eyes popped in their sockets and she began bouncing in her seat, obviously agitated. She brought her hands up to her mouth and her forefingers began gesturing crazily.
Nalini's voice called, "What is it, Adji? What is wrong?"
"It's just me," said Remo.
The guards snapped to attention and pulled Uzis from under their coats.
"It is okay," Nalini cried, stepping out from the other side of the limo. "It is okay! This man is not an enemy."
Reluctantly, the Uzis were lowered-but not reholstered.
Remo started for the limo.
Mrs. Clancy wriggled her fingers even more crazily.
One of the rusty ants leaped up from the ground and landed on Remo's bare wrist. Another came off a tree. Remo flicked them away without thinking.
Nalini ducked her head into the back of the limo and bulged her eyes out, bringing her fingers up to her mouth. She made the same crazy finger wriggling, and Mrs. Clancy settled down.
Her face tight, Nalini came to greet Remo.
Remo smiled. Nalini did not.
"Hi!" he said.
"What are you doing here, Remo?"
"Investigating. Nice job of humoring the old dingbat."
"Please do not call her that. She is Adji. I call her that because she is like a grandmother to me since I come to this country."
"Sorry," said Remo.
"And what you call crazy, is a form of signing."
"Signing?"
"You have heard of sign language? The deaf use it.
"She's deaf too?"
Nalini shook her covered head. "No. But she cannot speak and so must communicate some of her thoughts with her fingers."
"Right," said Remo. "Listen, I've been looking for you."
"And I, you."
"Want to have dinner later?"
"That would be nice."
"Good. Because after today, I have a feeling I'm going to need some R&R."
Nalini looked blank, then confused. Her face actually darkened in what Remo took for a blush.
"That means rest and recreation," he said quickly.
"Oh."
"Where can I meet you?" Remo asked.
Nalini reached up and drew him off to one side, her fruity perfume filling Remo's nostrils pleasantly.
"We are staying at Ukiah, but it would be better that I meet you at your motel. Are you staying at the little place of bungalows as I suggested?"
"Yeah. Unit sixteen. How's eight sound?"
"Eight o'clock will be fine. Now I must go. Adji does not enjoy being left alone."
"Catch you later," said Remo, fading back into the trees. He paused, took a look at Nalini as she slipped into the back of the limousine, and closed the door shut. Remo moved on.
He spotted Chiun floating away, a wraith of sky blue silk.
When Remo caught up, Chiun spat, "You smell worse than before."
Remo smiled. "Oh, I kinda disagree."
"You allowed her to touch you?"
"Don't sweat it. She used her right hand."
"You are a fool that goes wherever his aroused manhood points. It is a wonder you have not walked off a cliff to your doom before this."
"Aw, come off it. I just put up with your mooning over Cheeta Ching for what seemed like forever, and here I meet someone nice and you act like I caught leprosy."
"It is too early to tell if you have caught leprosy or not. The fingers do not fall off right away."
"You should have seen her, Chiun. That old bat Pearl Clancy was acting like a lunatic and Nalini settled her right down. You know how?"
"By acting like another lunatic," spat Chiun.
"Yeah-no. I mean, she tried to talk back in her own language. Some kinda sign language. It seemed to work."
"Lunatics understand one another and you are impressed."
"We got a date tonight."
"Wear a condom. If you can find one that fits over your empty head."
They walked along. Remo kept his eyes peeled for more of the flealike ants.
He spotted one on a branch, seemingly staring at him with two eyes like black spots set in front of its ramlike head.
It jumped. Remo faded back and the ant went sailing by. It landed on a leaf with a dry skittering sound.
Moving on, Remo brushed away a single strand of spiderweb draped between two trees and encountered no more of the ants.
They came upon a group of print journalists and Remo asked one of them, "I'm looking for Thrush Limburger's people."
"The Tell the Truth RV is around here somewhere. It's the red, white, and blue one."
"Thanks," said Remo.
Rejoining the Master of Sinanju, he said, "Limburger's van is red, white, and blue. It shouldn't be hard to find."
It wasn't. They found it parked at the north entrance to Nirvana West, a young man sitting on the rear bumper, looking miserable.
Remo stepped up to him.
"You belong to Thrush Limburger?"
The man jumped up. "Are you press?"
Remo offered a card and said, "Remo Zimbalist, Jr., FBI."
"He's disappeared!"
"So we heard."
"No, he really, really disappeared," the man said excitedly. "I keep telling people this, but these so-called journalists refuse to believe me."
"Start from the top," said Remo, trying to sound official.
"I'm Cody Custer, Thrush's chief of staff." He blinked. "Aren't you going to take notes?"
"Photographic memory," said Remo.
"And who's he?" Custer asked, indicating Chiun.
"That's my Korean crime-scene photographer."
"Where's his camera?"
"He's got a photographic memory too. Let's hear your story."
"We pulled into town about ten o'clock. Thrush stopped in at the local funeral parlor."
"Esterquest and Son?"
"Yeah, that was the name. He
went in and talked to him a while and came out all excited. Thrush said he had the whole thing figured out, and told me to drive straight here."
"Then what?"
"On the way, we were stopped by the California Highway Patrol. They said they were quarantining the area, but we could go through once they explained the risk."
"Yeah?"
"I told them I was okay with it, and they went in back and talked with Thrush. Not more than a minute or two. I drove on, pulled into here, ran Thrush's ballyhoo tape like he told me to. But he never came out."
"Okay, let's look at this logically. You sure he got back on in town?"
"Positive. When Thrush gets on or off this thing, believe me, you know it. We gotta replace the shocks every six months."
"And you didn't stop except for the police."
"Yeah. It's the only way it could have happened."
"What is?"
"The highway patrol kidnapped Thrush Limburger. They must have."
"You know how that sounds?"
"Yeah, but I think they weren't really police. One of them had a ponytail tucked up under his cap."
Remo looked to the Master of Sinanju. The Master of Sinanju stepped up to Cody Custer and looked him straight in the eye with hazel orbs like cold lasers.
Custer looked at Remo and asked, "What's he doing?"
"Taking your picture. Just hold still."
"He is telling the truth, Remo," said Chiun, stepping back.
Remo frowned. "Great. As if we don't have enough to do, we've got a kidnapping. Maybe we'd better talk to the coroner."
"That's what I kept telling the press. Talk to the coroner. But all they're interested in is food service trucks and bugeaters. In that order."
Chapter 13
There was a crowd outside the Esterquest and Son funeral parlor. Police cars were pulled up before the door and an ambulance stood waiting, its rear doors open.
There was also a contingent of press. Minicams and print journalists jostled one another for position.
"I don't see anyone who might recognize us," Remo said, easing the car into a parking slot.
"Something is wrong," said Chiun. "I smell death in the air."
"I just hope it's not what I think it is."
They got out and sauntered up to the edge of the waiting crowd. A sheet-wrapped body was being carried out. The electronic press crushed close as if the anonymous body on the gurney were the most important figure on earth.
"Don't they normally take bodies into a funeral parlor?" Remo said, loud enough for anyone to hear.
Feeding Frenzy td-94 Page 12
