by Laura Marney
I was getting a bit sick of Jackie bossing me around. I had agreed to let him drive me, but only as far as the A9. It was a straight road from there and he’d be able to hitch a lift back. When I thought of him standing by the road thumbing a lift back to Inverfaughie at night I was filled with gratitude that he would do this for me. Jackie hardly knew me. If I’d asked my neighbours in Glasgow if they’d take me to the West Highlands in the middle of the night, even with this emergency, I knew the kind of response I would’ve got.
Bob phoned.
‘The police have just left. I gave them a photo of Steven. One from Christmas. It’s the most recent.’
The word photo made me retch. Jackie immediately slowed the car down and pulled over. He reached across me to open the door. I put my feet outside the car and chucked up my curry on to the gravel. I held the phone away from the horrible plopping sound it made.
I thought of the photos of kids you see on the news behind the newsreader, the kids you tut over and hope will turn up safe and sound. The photo they show again three or four nights later when they find the body. And they keep on showing it, every time new evidence comes to light or they have a suspect. A picture of a smiling innocent kid, taken when they were safe, before the sickening thing happened to them. I didn’t want the police to have a photo of Steven.
‘The police asked me if there was anything I needed to tell them about Steven. This is not a time for secrets Mr Hanlon, the sergeant said to me. The bastard was trying to make out it was my fault that Steven’s missing.’
‘It’s not your fault. They have to ask stuff like that, that’s their job. You want them to find him don’t you? We need to co-operate.’
‘I did fucking co-operate! I’m not a fucking kiddie fiddler!’
‘Okay. I know Bob. No one’s saying that you are.’
‘They wanted a description of what he’s wearing but I didn’t see him this morning. We left before he did. Helga checked his jackets, they’re all there except the green one, he must be wearing that. But there’s a lot of other stuff missing. He must have packed a bag. It’s a good sign, they said. It means he planned to leave. It indicates that he probably hasn’t had an accident or anything. They asked if he took drugs.’
‘Oh my God.’
I retched again but it was a dry boak.
‘Is he taking drugs, Bob?’
‘I don’t know. I told them that. But I think I’d know if he was on heroin. His behaviour would be different.’
Behaviour like running away, I thought.
‘Has he told you anything about drugs?’
‘Bob. Don’t go mad.’
‘What is it? Just fucking tell me.’
‘He told me that they smoked hash, Gerry and him. They bought it off someone and took it to a party. He didn’t even like it, he said Gerry gave the rest of it away.’
‘He’s smoking hash?’
‘He tried it Bob. As you did yourself once.’
‘Yes, but what about heroin? The police said it’s rife. They caught a dealer who was supplying kids at Steven’s school. He could be on heroin.’
‘If he is we’ll get him off it. We need to find him first.’
Bob was crying now and he made me start again.
‘Bob it’ll be okay.’
But he had put the phone down.
When I’d been a drugs rep I’d often see junkies creep into the health centres for the methadone clinics. I could still hear their thin self-pitying braying in my head. They affected a weak vibrato as if their addiction had affected their vocal chords. Although most of them were only teenagers they had none of the cocky arrogance of youth. Dependent on getting their script, they were on their best behaviour. They treated all staff members with an exaggerated respect giving everyone a title: Doctor, Nurse, Miss, Sir. They tried to be, if not loveable, then at least agreeable. They would have doffed their caps if they’d worn any. Occasionally one of them would make the mistake of turning up after a heroin hit. Gouching, bent double, their eyes loose in their head, even if they could formulate the words and ask to be seen, they were refused. They were right to pity themselves.
Some of the young girls looked like hags, stick-thin, dirty and smelly. I remembered waiting to see a doctor and hearing three girls who couldn’t have been older than about seventeen, discuss the death of their pal. Their whiny voices communicated no horror. They spoke about it with acceptance and inevitability as if she had been an old woman at the end of her days.
I would know if Steven was on heroin, I thought. I’d watched and heard enough junkies to know the signs. But I hadn’t seen Steven for weeks now. It was possible that he’d kept it from me. I wasn’t there to see if he was withdrawn or having mood swings. I didn’t know if his face was pale or there were tracks on his arms. But I just couldn’t believe it, Steven wasn’t daft, although I knew from all the leaflets I’d read in waiting rooms that it wasn’t only daft people who ended up on heroin.
Maybe Steven would take it for revenge. Bob and I had messed him about so much with our fighting and splitting up. Maybe he wanted attention. I was hundreds of miles away and Bob was loved up with Helga. Maybe we had put too much pressure on him over the exams. If he was on heroin he’d start stealing from the house. I decided to phone Bob and ask him if anything valuable was missing. I went to dial the number and remembered Jackie beside me. I was sick of his disapproval, it was my son and it was important.
‘I’m going to phone Bob again Jackie, just so’s you know. I need to speak to him about something.
He kept his eyes on the road.
‘You’re building his hopes every time he answers the phone.’
I ignored him and carried on dialling. Bob said no, nothing had been taken from the house and would I please stop phoning so often, I was just building his hopes up every time the phone rang. He slammed it down on me again but I kidded on he hadn’t and said cheerio as if he was still there. I turned my attention back to Jackie.
‘I don’t need your fucking advice so would you please butt out and just drive.’
‘I’m sorry.’
‘No.’ I’d have to get a grip. ‘I’m sorry Jackie. I’m really sorry for speaking to you like that.’
Jackie took his left hand off the wheel and held mine in my lap.
‘It’s all right. You can say what you like to me.’
We sat like that in silence for the next hour until I phoned Bob again. Steven had now been officially missing for fourteen hours.
It started raining heavily, Jackie was having to drive slower. The windscreen wipers calmed me, the rhythm hypnotising me for a while. Jackie didn’t speak and that was the way I liked it. We were clear of Inverness now, we had been on the A9 for ages. I didn’t want to drive to Glasgow alone and although I was annoyed with his interfering, I was glad to have Jackie with me. I might need a tight hug again. I prayed that I wouldn’t. It was selfish of me to drag him all the way to Glasgow but when we reached the A9 Jackie didn’t say anything about stopping and neither did I. When we got to Glasgow I’d see him all right. I’d get him a good hotel and pay his train fare back home.
We stopped for petrol at Aviemore. The needle was only just touching the red. That meant we had another fifty miles or so in the tank but I needed to go to the toilet and Jackie probably did too. While he went to the toilet I got us paper cups of tea. When we set off again I poured in the milk and sugar for him and held Jackie’s cup. I passed it to him every so often. Jackie turned the radio on. He looked at me for permission and I nodded. Not playing the radio wasn’t going to get us to Glasgow any quicker. I wanted the comfort of Inverfaughie FM but we were well out of range of by now. Jackie tuned into Radio 2, a late night easy-listening show. He hummed along with the old records, some from the sixties and even the fifties.
‘You’re giving your age away,’ I said to him. Someone so handsome was bound to be vain and I wanted to annoy him. He had annoyed me plenty. But he just smiled.
‘I’m older t
han I look.’
‘Well you must be very clean living.’
‘Och I can’t say that.’
By the time we got to Perth the rain had tailed off. I knew by my thumping hangover that I had sobered up. I scrambled about in the glove compartment for paracetamol but I couldn’t find any. Still no word about Steven, my sore head was the least of my worries.
Just outside of Stirling we passed the Wallace Monument sticking up through the trees like someone had dropped it there.
‘Have you been up it?’ Jackie asked me.
‘No. I went on a school trip once but I was sick so I had to wait on the coach.
‘Aye you’re an awful woman for being sick!’
Now he was trying to annoy me. I had to laugh, he was trying to take my mind off Steven.
The phone rang. I had put it on the floor and now I was scrabbling around in the dark trying to find it. It would only give two and a half rings before it automatically went to the answering service. The phone stopped ringing.
‘Oh FUCK!’
We were on the motorway but Jackie pulled over onto the hard shoulder and rummaged under my seat before howking it out. I grabbed it from him and redialled Bob’s number. It was engaged. He would be talking to my answering service. I phoned it but there were no messages. I phoned Bob again.
‘He’s fine. He’s at your Auntie Nettie’s.’
‘He’s at Nettie’s?’
‘Yeah, Helga had a brainwave and tried Nettie’s place and sure enough there he was, quite the thing, sitting there drinking tea and eating toast.’
‘Thank God he’s safe. You’ll have to call off the police.’
‘I know, I’m just about to, how embarrassing is that? Where are you Trish?’
‘Eh, I’m not sure. Where are we?
‘Who’s that you’re talking to?’
‘A friend. He drove me. We’re just passing Bannockburn, not far.’
‘Well it looks like you’ve had a wasted journey. I told you not to come.’
‘I’m nearly here now. I want to see him, just to make sure he’s okay. I’ve come this far.’
‘Suit yourself but I’m going to fucking kill him when I get him.’
Chapter 11
Jackie’s congratulatory hug was nowhere near as intense as the comfort hug he gave me in Inverfaughie. I moved to kiss him on the lips but he turned away a fraction and I missed, resulting in an embarrassing teeth clash. I laughed it off, I was so excited, Steven was safe. Jackie patted my back as if to say that was enough hugging now. Maybe I was a bit over-enthusiastic.
‘Thanks Jackie for driving me all this way, thanks a million. Bob is really pissed off. Steven was hiding out at my Auntie’s house all along. You’ve driven all this way for nothing.’
‘I’m glad it was for nothing.’
‘You’re right. I’m dying to see him.’
‘No doubt.’
‘So how would it be if we drove into the city and found you a nice hotel? You can get the train back tomorrow. I’ll pay. Or hang around Glasgow if you like, whatever you want. I’m very grateful to you.’
‘Och there’s no occasion for that.’
‘You’ve been so good to me.’
‘What are you going to do Trixie?’
‘I haven’t really thought beyond seeing Steven. I’m not bloody staying with Bob and Helga, that’s for sure.’
‘Well why don’t you go and see your boy and then we’ll drive back to Inverfaughie tonight? I’m not much of a one for hotels or sightseeing. I prefer my own bed.’
‘Oh come on Jackie, we’ve come two hundred and fifty miles, you can’t just turn round and go back again.’
‘Well if you’re not coming I’ll hitch, but I won’t stay here. I’ve no time for the city.’
Jackie adopted the same tone as he had in Inverfauchie when he wouldn’t let me drive. He was a big intractable Highland man, a big wean.
‘Jackie you were good enough to bring me here. Of course I’ll take you back. I just want to clap eyes on Steven, it’ll only take about an hour.’
‘Of course you do, take as long as you like.’
Thirty minutes later we were entering my home town. As we passed the gas works off the M8 I exhaled heavily but there was none of the usual feeling of homecoming. I hadn’t a home to come to. The famous Helga, that I had so far avoided ever meeting, was now sitting in my living room. Any wee free samples of shampoo or face-cream delivered by the paperboy and addressed to The Lady of the House would now be Helga’s. Even although it was now one o’clock in the morning I wasn’t setting foot in the house. I’d call Steven out to the car, no, not the car, Jackie would be in the car. Oh well, Steven and I would have to go for a walk. I gave Jackie directions to the house and as we came on to the slip-road exit from the motorway Bob phoned again.
‘Now the wee bastard is refusing to come home.’
‘What d’you expect Bob? The last I heard you were going to kill him.’
‘He says he’s staying there with Nettie, she’s agreed apparently, he’s staying there until his exams and then he’s going to Inverfaughie. I can’t win with that boy, I’ve only tried to instil a bit of discipline in him.’
‘He doesn’t really want to stay with Nettie, Bob, you know that. He’s angry, he’s only trying to hurt you.’
‘Well it’s worked. He has my heart roasted, and that old bitch is only encouraging him. Oh, she says, the boy’s welcome here any time, he’s the only family I have left.’
‘Och maybe it’s for the best Bob. Just for a while. Give you both a bit of time out from each other. And d’you not want to spend some time alone with the lovely Helga?’
‘Just keep Helga out of this. She’s the one who found him, remember? And yes, actually, Helga and I would very much appreciate some quality time, especially as we have to finish off decorating the bedroom that you trashed.’
‘Bob,’ I said gently, ‘release, let go and let God.’
‘Oh fuck off!’
‘Hello? Hello Bob?
‘Change of plan I’m afraid Jackie, we’re going to my Auntie Nettie’s.’
*
Nettie stood waiting for me at the front door in her housecoat.
‘Who’s that man in your car?’
Nettie didn’t miss a trick. I saw her curtains twitch as we drove into the street.
‘A friend. He drove me here.’
‘Well bring him in for goodness sake, it’s two o’clock in the morning.’
‘He’s quite happy out in the car Nettie.’
‘You’ll panic the neighbours, they’ll think it’s a police stake-out. I’ll go and get him myself.’
Steven came to the door and hugged me. With his usual distaste for making physical contact with his mother’s front bits, my son grabbed me round the neck while he bowed out the rest of his body. You could have driven a double-decker bus through the space between us. It had been a night for strange hugs.
Nettie succeeded where I had failed and managed to winkle Jackie out of the car and into the house. She was all made up with him, all fluttery and girlie at how tall and handsome he was.
‘I’ve put the kettle on. You’ll take a wee sandwich?’
Nettie bustled away into the kitchen with a coy backward smile for Jackie.
‘Steven, this is Jackie. He’s a friend of mine from Inverfaughie.’
That sounded like I had loads of friends in Inverfaughie.
‘Aye.’
Steven nodded a suspicious acknowledgement to Jackie.
‘Aye.’
Jackie returned the nod, neither friendly or unfriendly but respectful.
‘Steven I’ve got something out in the car. Will you give me a hand in with it please?’
It was a bit obvious. Jackie, having just come from the car, was better placed to help me. Steven didn’t even have his shoes on but we all pretended while he forced his feet into his trainers. We didn’t speak until we were in the car.
‘Steven tha
nk God you’re safe, Son. You had us worried sick.’
‘I’m sorry Mum, really sorry, it was stupid.’
‘Are you all right? Let me look at you.’
‘D’you want to check in between my toes as well?’
I didn’t have a clue what he was talking about and it must have showed on my face.
‘I’m not shooting up Mum. I saw you checking out my arms for tracks, I haven’t got any. Dad was the same, he openly accused me of doing heroin.’
‘Your Dad is frightened for you Steven, that’s all. The police put the idea in his head.’
‘I’m not a junkie, okay, do you believe me Mum?’
‘Yes. I believe you.’
And I did. You know your own son and you know when he’s telling the truth, sometimes, but I was sure this was one of the times.
‘Well what the bloody hell were you playing at? Why didn’t you phone me? That’s all you had to do, one wee phone call.’
‘Oh Mum, don’t start. I’ve just had Dad round giving me the same shit.’
‘The same shit! I drove two hundred and fifty miles!’
‘You didn’t drive, your old boyfriend did!’
We were shouting at each other now. A few lights had come on in Nettie’s close. A few curtains twitched. I made an effort to speak quietly, I didn’t want our voices carrying to the house and into Jackie’s hearing.
‘I told you, he’s a friend.’
‘And I told you I’m sorry.’
‘So you did.’
‘If I’d told you, you would have told Dad, wouldn’t you? Wouldn’t you?’
‘Yes. I suppose I would.’
‘And anyway, how else could I get you to come and see me?’
I looked at him sharply but a mischievous grin had spread across Steven’s face.
‘Well you could have got me to come during the hours of daylight, that would have been a help.’ I shook my fist and in an American gangster accent I said, ‘Why I oughta…’
