I’m surprised at his reaction too. I really thought he loved her. “But, you just said last night that you were going to fly out to South Carolina to go visit him. I don’t get it.” I can tell that she’s holding something back.
“Well that was my plan, but when I spoke to him last night, he said he needs time. I don’t know what the hell he needs time for, but that’s what he says he needs.” My heart breaks for her. I know that Bryan is her first real relationship. Unless you count holding hands with Mike Doxter in eighth grade, which she doesn’t, Bryan is Melanie’s first real boyfriend and her first real love.
“I’m so sorry, sweetie. I wish I had some words of wisdom for you, but, well, look at me. I’m no model for perfect relationships.” She laughs at my self-deprecation. Wiping the tears from her eyes, her lips curl into a small smile.
“Yeah, but it feels good to get it off my chest. You know what I think it is? I get the feeling that there’s some girl waiting for him at home. I want to believe that he loves me. I feel like he does, but he’s always holding back and I just can’t shake the feeling that he’s in love with someone else.” Mel slumps into her chair. Her eyes are all swollen and puffy from crying. I hate seeing her like this. She doesn’t deserve to be hurt.
I get up from my chair and wrap my arms around her, well my good arm at least, and hug tightly. “Stop those tears. You’re amazing and awesome and kind and sweet and not to mention the most kick-ass best friend ever, so if he can’t see all of that, then it’s his loss.” I feel her chuckle at my crazy list.
I look her directly in the eye to convey the seriousness of my words. “You deserve to be loved whole heartedly, with no exceptions or reservations, and if he can’t give that to you, if he’s not capable of giving you the love you deserve, then he doesn’t deserve yours. But if he does, well then you fight like hell for him, for your relationship. Believe me, Mel, I wish I could turn back the clock and follow my own advice.” She hugs me back and I feel some of the stress release from her shoulders.
Breaking our embrace, she leans back in her chair and takes a shuddering breath to calm her emotions. She catches the time blinking on the microwave. “Shit, Maddy, you’re going to be late.”
I glimpse at the clock and she’s right. “It’s okay. I’ve still got time. The cell phone can wait. Let’s get a move on, but promise me from now on that if something is bothering you, that you’ll talk to me. I’m never too busy for you.”
“I promise. Thanks for listening, Maddy.” She smiles warmly and gets up from her seat. We share one last hug before carrying on with our day. After our conversation, I make a promise to myself that I’ll carve out more time for Mel. She has to be going through a lot too. With everything going on with Bryan and now with me not going back to school with her, she’s going through some massive changes as well. I have to be there for my best friend no matter what goes on in my own life.
I shower and get myself ready in record time. Sadly, I’m getting used to the one-handed shower. As Mel drives me to work, I think over my words of advice. I told her to fight like hell for her and Bryan. Fortified by my own words, I resolve to do just that for Reid and me. I will fight until my last breath for us because, despite his physical absence in my life, he’ll never be absent from my heart.
When I arrive at Dr. Franklin’s office, the office manager, Kathy, shows me around and sets up a training schedule so that each day I can do a little bit of everything. By noon, I’ve filled out all of my paperwork, which includes the insurance application; it’s such a huge weight off of my shoulders to know that I can get the care I need for my baby. Around one in the afternoon, my “training” for the day is done. I mean there isn’t much to filing. You either know your alphabet or you don’t. It’s mindless work so far and I’m enjoying the peace and quiet of organizing and stacking patient files. Tomorrow I’ll learn the computer system and how to make appointments, but for now I don’t mind being alone.
A few hours later, I’m midway through a stack of severely misfiled folders. Kathy pokes her head into the small room. “Hey, how are you doing in here?” She smiles down at me and I think I see her laugh at the piles and piles of papers that surround me.
“Good, I think. I should be done in an hour or so,” I say as I swipe a piece of hair that has fallen out of my pony tail from my eyes.
“You’re a Godsend, Maddy. The last girl was horrendous. I have a feeling that your obsessive compulsive tendencies will come in handy around here.” Kathy sees that I have a penchant for all things orderly. I can’t help it. When your life is complete chaos, it helps to bring order to whatever you can. After my parents died, in order to keep the overwhelming anxiety at bay, I would color code everything—my clothes, shoes, accessories, Aunt Maggie’s basket of yarn.
I do the same thing now. It’s been less than a week since I made the mistake of breaking things off with Reid, and in that short amount of time, all of my DVD’s are alphabetized as are my books. If Mel ever looked at her bookshelf, she would find that all of hers are in order as well.
Part of me can’t help but wonder what my life will be like when the baby comes. I’m fairly certain that I’ll have to kiss my OCD goodbye. I’d gladly give up my need for organization if it meant that I could raise the baby with Reid. My hand drifts almost instinctively to cover my belly at the thought of the baby.
Someone calls her name from the front desk, but before she leaves she says, “I just wanted to check on you and tell you that you’re doing an amazing job. You can take your lunch break at two,” she glances down at her watch, “which was thirty minutes ago actually. My God this place is insane today. Can you wait until three for lunch?” Her eyes and tone convey her apologies for forgetting about me.
“Sure. I’m good.” Before the words are even out of my mouth, she’s scurrying to the front to deal with whatever issue is demanding her attention.
The next half hour passes quickly and by the time I step out of the office to walk across the street to the deli, I’m starving. After ordering my bagel with cream cheese, the only thing I feel like I’ll be able to stomach, I step to the side so that the next customer can order. That’s when I see him.
I immediately stare down at the floor, as if that will make me disappear or something. I hope that my disheveled appearance and baggy scrubs will help disguise me, but I’m not that lucky.
“Maddy? Is that you?” Jay’s voice makes my insides tighten. The last time I saw him, I broke his heart. I still feel incredibly guilty over how we left things.
I look up from the floor and meet his familiar chocolate-brown eyes and he looks genuinely happy to see me. It just makes my gut twist in guilt even more.
I smile brightly at him. I’m totally faking it. “Hi, Jay. How are you?” My voice is shaking. I can’t believe I’m this nervous to see him again.
His eyes rake over me and they stop abruptly on my arm. “What happened? Are you okay?” he asks, indicating my cast.
“Yeah, I’m fine. I was in an accident a few weeks ago. I should have it off in about two weeks, if I’m lucky.” If I thought telling him about my accident was going to make him leave me alone, I was sorely mistaken.
“Oh God, Maddy. I’m so sorry. Are you okay? I mean except for the cast.” His eyes convey his concern, but there’s something else there—something that looks a lot like love.
The cashier calls my name and interrupts our conversation. I step forward and grab the brown paper bag that contains the lunch for which I no longer have an appetite.
Turning back to him, I say, “I’m good, Jay. I have to get back to work. It was good seeing you.” I’m trying to dismiss him without being rude, but he’s not getting it.
Suddenly he notices the scrubs that Kathy gave to me when I showed up this morning and he asks, “Where do you work?”
I don’t want to carry on this conversation. It’s not that I don’t want to talk to him, though. It has more to do with the fact that I don’t want to pick at the scab of o
ur dead relationship. If I’m reading his eyes correctly, he’s still not over me and I just don’t have the energy to deal with him on top of the shit heap that my life is right now.
Common courtesy prevails, though, as I respond to his question. Politeness fills my voice. “I just started over at the dentist office across the street.” I say this as I’m trying to walk past him, trying to escape this horribly uncomfortable situation.
His face registers a little bit of surprise. “You got a job at a doctor’s office? But don’t you go back to school in like a month?” Shit, his curiosity is piqued now. I am so not getting into why I’m transferring home, not with Jay.
“Jay, I really have to go. I’m going to be late and I just started there. I don’t want to start off on the wrong foot.” I actually have another forty-five minutes left on my break, but I’m not about to tell him that.
He concedes. “Sure. I understand. But can we catch up, please? I haven’t seen you since the summer and I’d like to see you while we’re both home.” My brain is scrambling with a million excuses, none of which will be plausible enough for him to leave me alone. He grabs my good hand as I continue to walk past him. Wrapping his strong fingers gently around my wrist, he looks into my eyes warmly, lovingly. “Please, Maddy. I miss you.”
My heart tightens and I soften to him. I did break his heart, after all. Pulling my arm from his hand, I say, “Sure, Jay. That would be nice.” His face shines with happiness and his full smile reveals his perfectly white, straight teeth. He is really beautiful and it would be easier to hate him if he wasn’t such a nice guy and if we didn’t share a history.
He’s practically bouncing with excitement. “Great! Are you free tomorrow night?” Sadly, I am. Seeing Jay makes me miss Reid even more, if that’s possible.
I quickly think through what will be the easiest plan for us to get together without it being any kind of official date. “I have work until six and Mel will have my car all day again. You could pick me up and we could grab some dinner. Would that work?” I want to keep it casual, and going out straight from work will keep it feeling less like the date I know he hopes it will be.
“That’s perfect, Maddy. I’ll see you then.” He leans in and gives me a quick hug. I hug him back because despite the current storm of emotions I’m feeling, I don’t hate him; he’s just not Reid.
The rest of my life is a chaotic whirlwind of craziness. Seeing Jay totally throws me off balance and, even though I don’t really want to see him for fear of misleading him, it’s just easier to go along with it.
I break the hug and walk towards the door. I don’t want to look back at him, but when I do, I catch him checking me out. Our eyes lock once again, and in that moment, I know that tomorrow night will be anything but a casual reunion for him.
Chapter 8
Thursday, December 13, 2012
The house is nothing special—a simple cape-cod styled home sided in light green cedar-shake. The trim around the windows is a warm cream color instead of the expected harsh and bright white. There are a few small evergreen bushes in the front garden, but I imagine that brightly colored flowers bloom there in the spring as well. Simple though it may be, it’s not just a house. This is a home. Even sitting out in the driveway, I can feel the warmth and love exuding from the place. I feel a slight pang of jealousy as I realize that my house, the one I grew up in with my parents, never had this feeling.
Katie grabs her bag and bounces out of the truck. I sit for a moment longer and try, but fail, to gain some sense of composure. Exiting the car, I hope for the best. That’s all I can really do at this point.
Mr. Donovan opens the front door and steps out onto the porch. For a man in his early fifties, he’s still in good shape. Lean and trim, he’s about as tall as me at about six feet. His face is weathered and tired looking. When he catches sight of his daughter, his warm brown eyes, that just moments ago looked pained and exhausted, beam with pride and love. His gigantic smile forces his eyes to crinkle in the corners, making the few wrinkles he has a bit more prominent. Katie nearly sprints into her father’s arms and they share a warm, seemingly overdue, embrace. I stand back, at the bottom of the three stairs that lead up to the door, giving them their space to reunite. Katie reaches down and grabs her father’s hand and looks up at him reassuringly. I think she says something to him, but I can’t make it out. She smiles at him and he winks back at her. It’s an obvious routine between the two of them. Their bond is palpable and suddenly I feel like I’m invading their world. Sadly, that’s not all that far from the truth.
I try to avert eye contact; I can’t believe my own nervousness. I kick some rocks around under my feet, but when Katie comes to stand next me, pulling her father by the hand behind her, I lift my eyes to hers and some of the anxiety dissipates.
The silence is awkward as all three of us just stand there not saying a word; no one knows what to say, exactly. Katie breaks it. “Reid, I’d like you to meet my father, Joe. And Daddy,” she says as she looks over at Joe, “this is Rebecca’s son, Reid.” It’s been so long since I’ve even heard her name that it sounds foreign and unfamiliar in my ears.
I extend my hand in front of me to shake Joe’s and he just stares blankly at me. In that momentary blank stare, I feel as insecure as some weak teenager. What a fucking prick. I swallow my pride to come make peace with Mom and he can’t even shake my hand. Fuck that!
Just as I’m about to go off on him, he looks down at my hand and shakes his head from side to side and then swipes his hand over his face and up through his short cropped, dark brown hair.
I feel frozen in this moment. My feet are glued to the floor and my mouth is stuck, unable to form any kind of coherent words.
When he meets my eyes again, they are shining with unshed tears. He reaches for my hand and pulls me into a tight embrace. Mumbling into the limited space in between us, he says, “It’s so good to finally meet you, Reid.” He breaks his embrace and takes a step back. I realize that in the two minutes that I’ve known Joe Donovan, he’s shown me more emotion than my father did in the seventeen years that I lived with him.
Okay, fine. I take it back. He’s not a prick.
When my brain starts to function again, I say, “And it’s nice to meet you, Mr. Donovan. Thank you for allowing me to drive Katie home. It was nice to spend some time with her. And thank you for welcoming me into your home.” My words are overly polite; I know I don’t sound like myself. I’m trying to over compensate for just mentally cursing him out. The sugary sweet tone of words is nearly comical. Even Katie is looking at me like she doesn’t even recognize the person standing next to her.
A small chuckle escapes his mouth. “It’s Joe. Please call me Joe. And it’s not my home. This is our home. That includes you too, Reid.” He wraps an arm around my shoulders and squeezes tightly. I feel like I’ve entered some kind of alternate universe. I’m overwhelmed by the need to pinch myself to see if what’s going on is really happening.
We walk up the steps of the porch and into the entry way of the house to escape the cold December air. Before he opens the door, he turns to look at me. “I mean that, Reid. I know it’s been too long since you’ve been a part of your mom’s life, but in her heart, this has always been where you belong. She’s just been too afraid to go to you.” Joe’s voice is laced with sadness.
I’m still kind of speechless. I don’t know what to say, so naturally, I stumble over my words and sound like an ass doing so. “Um . . . well . . . thanks.” It’s lame, but it’s all I’ve got.
Stepping inside, the warmth, not only in temperature, but in emotion, bathes over me. It really is a home. The small living room is directly to the side of the narrow entryway, and even though it’s small, it’s cozy and not in any way cramped. It’s colored in varying shades of blue, and instead of being over-done, the room is calming and peaceful. There’s a recliner and a small loveseat facing a modest television. The side and end tables are covered in family pictures.
My stomach drops and my eyes mist over when I catch sight of the mantle. I walk slowly over to it and with trembling hands, I reach out for the framed picture before me. It’s of me and Shane, dressed in our little league uniforms. I think he was fourteen and I was twelve. We’re smiling and laughing, arms wrapped around each other’s shoulders in a brotherly embrace. He looks happy and me, well it’s simple—I am in awe of my older brother, my hero.
Replacing that picture, I look at the others which are all perfectly placed in an almost shrine-like fashion. They are all of me and Shane. I realize that even though we may have been absent from Mom’s life physically, , we’ve been in her heart every single day.
It does little to moderate the anger I feel at her for everything, though. If she loves us this much, to see us in her life every day, why hasn’t she done anything about it?
Joe steps behind me and claps a hand on my shoulder. “She loves you. You have to know that. And she loved Shane too. She messed up and she knows it, but she never knew how to make it right. She’s asleep right now. Why don’t we sit down and get to know each other a little?”
He moves to the side and allows me to walk past him. He takes a seat in the recliner. It’s obviously his spot. I settle into the pale blue love seat and try to take everything in. Katie sits next to me and scans the room. When her gaze falls on an empty corner, her brows knit together in confusion.
“Where’s the Christmas tree, Dad?” There’s excitement in her voice.
Joe turns to his side while still sitting in the chair in order to get a better look at the corner where the tree is apparently supposed to go. “Oh, well, with all of Rebecca’s appointments and trying to pick up a few overtime shifts, I haven’t had a chance to get one.” I can see the stress and worry in his eyes. From what I can tell, things have been more difficult around here than he’s letting on with Katie.
The Love Series Complete Box Set Page 29
