I lean into his ear and whisper, “I’m going to get huge.” He laughs at the tiny bit of fear that tinges my words. He places his hand on my knee and squeezes before leaning into my ear. “Yes, you are. And even when you do, I will still love you. Every inch of you.” He leans over and gives me a quick peck on the cheek.
And there goes my heart, melting again.
While we’re sitting there catching up from our week apart, the nurse calls my name and I stand to walk into the exam room. Reid sits, frozen in his seat. He’s not voicing the silent concerns that I know we’ve both been having. What if everything is not okay? What if something is wrong with the baby?
I don’t know of two words in the English language that are more dangerous when placed together.
What if?
Neither of us says anything. I hold out my hand to him, and he takes it in his and gives it a tight squeeze. The long cheerfully decorated hallway is covered in baby pictures and I can’t help but smile at their beauty.
The nurse informs me of the routine for every visit. Pee in a cup. Get weighed. Get undressed. Take blood pressure. Sit on exam table and wait.
While we’re waiting in the room, the nervousness sets in. Reid paces the floor, and I fidget with the sheet across my lap. Dr. Trivedi comes in about ten minutes after I’ve completed the standard procedures and she smiles happily at both Reid and I.
Reaching out to shake my hand and then his, she asks, “So, how are you feeling Ms. Becker? Have you had any problems since last week?”
“No. No problems, I mean. I’m feeling a bit nervous, though. Just want to make sure that everything is okay.” Even I can hear the anxiety in my words. Obviously hearing them too, Reid takes my hand in his and we eagerly await the doctor’s next words.
“Well, we won’t know until we take a look.” She pushes a few buttons on the sonogram machine and I lie back on the table. Rather than the long probe like device that she used last week, she uses the other piece that does the sonogram over my belly.
Squirting the cold, clear gel on my stomach, she says, “Take a deep breath and relax. Let’s see how your baby is.”
I hear it before I see anything.
The heartbeat. It’s a beautiful sound. It’s a difficult sound to describe, but it’s grainy almost, like sand passing through water. The pulsating whoosh-whoosh of our baby’s heart is the most precious noise I have ever heard and it prompts happy tears to spring from my eyes.
I look up at Reid and notice that his eyes are shining too. We squeeze each other’s hands and he bends down to kiss my cheek. He whispers in my ear, “I love you.” Dr. Trivedi hears him and her lips quirk into a cute little smile at his affection.
She clicks on a few more buttons, measures things, prints out another picture for us and then wipes the goo from my belly. After she writes down a few notes in my chart, she leans back against the counter and folds her arms across her chest. “It looks like everything’s going well. The baby is growing and measuring right on track at about ten weeks. That puts your due date at,” she reaches in her pocket to pull out a paper disc. Spinning it a few times, I laugh thinking that she looks more like she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, than calculating a due date. When she finally arrives at her answer she continues her earlier sentence. “That would make your due date August twenty-first.”
I smile, but I can’t help the concern that bubbles in my chest thinking that Reid will be gone for most of the pregnancy. Logically, I know that the internship is important to him, to us and our future, but it still hurts knowing that, after this one, it looks like I’ll be alone for the rest of my appointments.
I swallow past my hurt and say, “That’s great, Dr. Trivedi. Thank you for everything.” She nods her head at us and asks if we have any more questions. I don’t, but Reid clears his throat to speak up.
“Are the um . . . restrictions still in place from last week?” I’m actually surprised he waited this long to ask about sex.
Professional as ever, Dr. Trivedi says, “Yes, you are all clear for sexual activity. Just be sure to call me if you experience any cramping or bleeding.” She gives me a few more reminders about vitamins and drinking plenty of water. When she says that my morning sickness should start to fade away in the next few weeks, she becomes my new favorite person. I can’t wait not to feel sick anymore.
As we exit the doctor’s office, we feel lighter, less weighed down, more hopeful, and, yes, perhaps just a little horny.
It’s barely two in the afternoon so we go grab a bite to eat. Getting into the car after lunch, I assume that we’ll just head home for the evening and relax—among other things. But when Reid looks over at me with a shit-eating grin plastered to his face, telling me that he’s got a surprise for me, I know that home is the last place we’re going.
Pulling into what looks like an apartment complex, my stomach drops and my heart races. It’s clean and modern. While the landscaping is sparse for the winter, it’s still clear that the place is well-maintained. Each building is painted a different color making it look more like houses lining a suburban street than an apartment building.
With wide eyes, I turn to Reid. “Did you . . .” I can’t even form the words.
He looks surprised that I’m, well, that I’m surprised. “No, I haven’t done anything. When we talked about it the other night, I wasn’t thinking clearly when I got pissed that you wouldn’t move in with me in Ithaca. But I . . . just thought . . .” Exasperation tinges his words as he rubs his hand over his face. Sighing, he recollects the argument we had just two nights ago about me moving in with him.
Staring out the front windshield, it’s clear that he’s avoiding eye contact with me. The more than likely culprit, he’s hurt that I didn’t react to this “surprise” the way he wanted me to.
I slide closer to him and, reaching up to his lightly stubbled cheek, I turn his face towards mine. “What did you think?” My eyes are pleading with him to talk.
“I know you don’t want to be that far away from Momma, especially when the baby comes.” I love that his eyes drift down to my belly when he says “baby.” Reid then twists his body towards me so that he’s no longer blankly staring out into the parking lot. “I know it was selfish of me to think you could just up and quit your job too. I just want you with me and it’s killing me that it can’t happen the way I want it to.” His voice cracks and falters at the sad, frustrating circumstances we’re facing.
He pulls my hands into his and rubs his thumbs over my knuckles. “Maddy, I’m so sorry for blowing up at you for withdrawing from school. You’re right, though. Waddling around campus isn’t ideal. I finally got that through my thick skull.” I have to laugh as he mirrors my words from the other night. I might have called him an ass too, but I guess he felt the need to leave that out.
Genuine honesty is reflected in his deep blue eyes as his gaze meets mine. “I just thought we could take a look and well,” he pauses to take a deep breath, “if you like it, and we think it’ll work, I would like for us to move in together.” He sounds so sweet and sincere, a far cry from the sexy and flirty Reid who was playing around with my co-workers earlier in the day, from the angry and pissed off overly-possessive boyfriend who knocked out Jay a week ago. In this moment, he seems like a lost little boy, searching for acceptance and approval. I’ve always found it so hard to believe that he’s changed so easily, but sitting here watching him struggle with my reaction, witnessing him become anxious waiting for my response, I know that his change has not been easy. He’s working very hard to make us work. And I love him so much for it.
I bite back my skepticism because the truth is—I want to live with him. I want to have my own home, with my own family.
Cheerily, I bounce out of the car and he follows alongside me. We meet up in front of the Jeep and he pulls me into a tight embrace. “I know it’s not much, but let’s just take a look. We’ve got some time, but I saw this in the paper and thought we could check it out.” He looks like he
’s struggling with something, searching for some kind of explanation, but before I can ask him what’s wrong, he starts talking again. “I need you to know something, though, before we go in there.”
“Okay. You can tell me anything; you know that.” I smile brightly at him and pull my winter coat around my chest. “But tell me quickly because it’s freaking cold out here.”
“I gave my mom and Joe some money. To help with the medical bills and all. I still have a decent amount in savings. I didn’t want to give them everything with the baby coming, but I just felt like you needed to know that. Because if I could, Maddy, if I could, I would buy you the biggest, fanciest, most expensive house out there. There’s no one who deserves it more than you.” He shakes his head as if he’s trying to rid his brain of his tormented thoughts. It’s an action I’m all too familiar with where he’s concerned. “I’ve been thinking about her a lot lately. My mom, I mean.”
“Baby, you can talk to me about her. I promise that I’m here to listen to you.” My eyes are pleading with him to open up to me.
He sighs and wraps his arms around me tightly. “I want to go back and see her again. I was thinking we could go there after Christmas. I’d like for you to meet her. I . . . I feel bad for leaving the way I did last week, and then all of that scary shit happened with you and the baby and I couldn’t deal with both at the same time. I’m so screwed up over it all. On one hand, I want to be pissed and I want to just walk away, but then on the other, I just want to move on. She’s really sorry and that’s what’s making it so difficult to just walk away. I know it’s not enough, but I guess giving her and Joe some money was a small gesture to try and rid myself of some of the guilt.”
Holding his gaze, I say, “I think you need to follow your heart where your mom is concerned. Sometimes, you have to make a difficult choice, one that’s not clear and that you’re not sure about how it’ll play out. But Reid, I know that you will follow your heart with your mom. If you didn’t want to forgive her, and move on, then you wouldn’t have given her the money to help. It’s okay to love her, especially now that you know her side of the story. She’s your mom. It’s kind of an unwritten rule that you can’t un-love her.” His goofy grin lets me know that I’m making some kind of sense.
I cup his stubbly cheek in my hand and get lost in his ocean-blue eyes for a moment. How on Earth did I get so lucky? “And about the money, you know that has never been important to me. Reid, I don’t need money. I don’t need a huge, elaborate house.” I kiss him innocently on his soft, heavenly lips. “All I need is you. Wherever you are is where my home is. And this,” I glance over my shoulder at the complex behind us, “this place looks like the perfect place to call home.” When I turn back to face him, he’s smiling brightly and he nods at me.
“It will definitely be the perfect place to live. And I promise you, one day, I will buy you the house you deserve.” He kisses my cheek once more and rubs his hands over my arms.
Entwining our fingers together, we walk to the rental office where we meet the manager who shows us to the available apartment.
Stepping through the door, I fall in love instantly. The hardwood floors are clean, and even though they are scratched here and there, they feel warm and cozy. It feels lived in and brand-new at the same time. There’s a large window in the front wall that allows the sunlight to illuminate the place. The walls are painted a creamy tan color—neutral and light. The floor plan is open—well as open as a two bedroom apartment can be.
The kitchen is updated with new stainless steel appliances. The dark countertop is the perfect balance for the cream-colored cabinets. This kitchen makes me want to learn how to cook more than mac and cheese.
We tour the rest of the apartment and everything is perfect. It’s not big by any stretch of the imagination, but rather than feeling cramped, it’s cozy and warm. When we stop in what will be the baby’s room, I catch a glimpse of Reid sitting in a rocking chair in the corner holding our baby and my heart swells with joy and love.
As Sam, the complex manager escorts us out of the apartment, he shakes Reid’s hand and Reid tells him that we’ll be in touch.
Back in the Jeep, Reid looks over at me expectantly. “So?” he asks, obviously nervous of my reaction to his grand plan.
I sigh. Not because I’m unhappy, but because it’s all just so overwhelming. “I loved it. I could really see us living there. But . . .” I let my words trail off. I can’t shake this feeling that if I tell him how much I don’t want to spend the next few months away from him, we’ll end up in the same kind of fight that we were in over his mother.
Momma was right; this relationship stuff is no joke.
“But, what, Maddy?” Reid’s deep voice brings me back to the present and his blue eyes are searching my face for some clue as to what’s going on in my head.
I take a deep breath, hoping that it will give me some kind of courage to get my worries off of my chest. “Okay, here goes. The thing is, I just . . . I know it’s going to be hard to be away from you. And I love the apartment, but I hate knowing that, no matter where I live, it will be without you for a few months.” He reaches for my hand and I avert contact with his blazing sapphire eyes. Letting out a controlled breath past the lump that’s formed in my throat, I finish my piece. “My head understands how important your internship is to you. You had that in place long before you even met me. But my heart . . . my heart hurts knowing that we have to be apart.”
“Don’t you think it kills me too?” His immediate response catches me off guard. Now it’s his turn to breathe deeply in some vain attempt to keep his emotions in check. “Maddy, please believe me. I do not want to be away from you. I have tried my hardest to try to relocate. I even called schools on my own to see if they would take me. I just . . . I can’t not take the position.” He lets go of my hand and grips the steering wheel until his knuckles go white. Anger is starting to wash over him, and it might be the pregnancy hormones, but my emotions are winning the battle with my sanity.
Through my tears, I squeak out my last concerns. “I’m worried that you’ll leave me.”
Reid turns in his seat so abruptly that the Jeep actually shakes. “What?” His voice is menacingly quiet and laced with hurt.
As I gather my thoughts, all I can think is please let this go differently than last time.
“I’m afraid of losing you. And right now, I’m afraid that if I tell you how I feel, I’m . . . well I’m just afraid that you’ll walk away again.” My voice shakes with uncertainty. “On one hand, I want you to take the internship and kick its ass. I want you to be the success I know you can be. It’s such an important thing for you and I hate that I resent it even just a little bit. But on the other hand, I want you with me. I know it’s selfish and immature, but I’m not going to deny that it’s how I feel. What I’m worried about, is that you’ll push me away because of how I’m feeling. I’m so worried about making the same mistake with you that I did when I told you I was pregnant. I . . .” My tears take over and I can’t even complete my thought.
Reid’s demeanor visibly changes and he leans forward in his seat. Angling his body towards mine, he pulls my face to his and wipes the tears from under my eyes. “God, I love you.” He kisses my lips sweetly and then my cheek before taking a deep breath to say, “I’m so ashamed of how I reacted to you, but you have to understand how new all of this relationship crap is to me. And hearing that your girlfriend is pregnant isn’t exactly your everyday relationship drama. I screwed up and I’m so sorry for that. But I will never walk out on you again. I promise.” There’s a finality to his words that I can’t help but believe.
“You spent way too long bottling up how you’re feeling and if we’re being honest here, that played as much of a part in us fighting as my stupidity.” He eyes me and I nod my agreement. I know that I’m just as much to blame as he is, if not even more.
“Here’s the thing, Maddy. This internship isn’t just about me. It’s isn’t about you or
us. I have to take it. Even though it’s going to kill me to be away from you, from this place,” he waves in the general direction of the apartment we just toured, “I have to take the job. For Shane.”
If it’s possible, I love him even more.
I take his hands in mine and bring them up to my lips. My foolishness is forgotten and I scold myself for thinking his taking the job had anything to do with not wanting to be with me.
Reid pulls his hands from mine and cups my cheek gently in his palm. “Maddy, I want to be here with you, but I can’t. I owe it to him. Fuck, I owe him more than I can ever give him. If I can help just one kid as a result of this job . . . if I can help one person for the rest of my lifetime, then maybe in some way, I can feel less guilty about everything that happened with Shane.” His words are shaking with emotion.
Taking stock of the situation, I realize that taking this job will help him heal the wounds of his past just as much as it will help me heal mine.
Removing his hand from my face, I pull it to my lips one more time. “Then we’ll find a way to make it work. I’m sorry for doubting you. I’m working through my issues too. Let’s think about the apartment for a while. We don’t need to make any decisions right now anyway.”
He nods and says, “Okay,” but I can hear the hurt in his voice. I do want to live with him; it’s just a lot to take in right now.
We exchange a bittersweet smile. We’re both so wounded in so many ways, and both so willing to learn how to stay together.
By the time we get home, Momma is there already. She’s gone a little crazy making Christmas cookies and decorating. The whole house looks like Buddy the Elf paid a visit.
Walking into the kitchen, she pulls me into a tight embrace and asks, “How did everything go?”
I know that she was more nervous about the doctor’s appointment than she let on. “It was great. We saw the baby and heard the heartbeat and everything.” Reid says as he shows her the sonogram and Momma all but glows with pride and happiness.
The Love Series Complete Box Set Page 39
