June 1995
We found out that you’re a girl today. A girl. Your mom started crying right away. I was . . . well, I was just scared. I want to protect you from everything. From scratched knees, to failed tests, to broken hearts. But what if I fail? What if you get hurt because I couldn’t do my job? I just hope you know that no matter how many times we fight over curfew or sleepovers or whatever things dads and daughters fight about, just know that I’m fighting with you because I love you.
That last entry makes me laugh through the tears. Now I know where I got that pesky need for perfection from. I flip through the journal and read about how he set up my nursery and helped Linda surprise Mom with a baby shower. It’s weird how I’ve never known him, but through his words, simple strokes on a piece of paper, I feel like he’s right here in the room with me. When I get to the last entry, the tears return. He wrote it the night before he died.
September 29, 1995
Dear Melanie,
Your mom and I have been discussing names lately. So if one day down the line when you’re reading this and your name is Jessica or something like that, just know that I lost the battle. But on some off chance that your mom decides in my favor, I hope that I’ve addressed this to the right person.
Since you’re due to arrive any day now, I thought I would make this a longer entry. There are a few things I want to say and I feel like if I can get these simple lessons on paper, you’ll be able to come back to them when you need them, when I might not be there to tell them to you. I’m a man of numbers and figures, lines and buildings so I apologize ahead of time for not being too poetic with all of this.
1. Be kind. A warm smile with kind words will go further than any ounce of belittling ever will. The world might not always be nice to you, but you’ll find beauty in the world when you are kind to it.
2. Be patient. Anything worth doing in your life will take time. So be patient, but always persevere. When you get knocked down, and you will because it’s an inevitable truth in life, get right back up and fight twice as hard for whatever it is that you’re working toward.
3. Have fun. You’ve got your whole life to worry about bills and mortgages and all that grownup stuff. Never forget to laugh and enjoy the simple pleasures in your life. You never know when they’ll be gone.
4. Love with everything you’ve got. I never knew love until I knew your mother. And then when she told me about you, I learned what true love really means. So when you find someone you love, don’t hold back.
And remember that, if all of these pieces of advice fail you, your mom and I love you more than anyone ever could. You’re the stars in our sky and the song in our hearts . . . Don’t laugh. I said I was no good at the poetry stuff.
I can’t wait to meet you, baby girl (who I not-so-secretly hope to be named Melanie).
Love,
Dad
After closing the notebook, I clutch it to my chest tightly and whisper through the sobs, “I love you too, Dad.”
Chapter 14
July 2013
I’ve been a counselor here at Camp Hope for the last two weeks and I love it. No, like seriously love it. I have never been around so much happiness and so many smiles as when I’m with these kids. At the end of the day, I’m covered in dirt and grime, and sometimes glitter depending on the arts and crafts activities, but I wouldn’t change a thing.
I’m on sports detail today and we’re playing soccer. It makes me think of Bryan. Actually, ever since I read my dad’s journal, everything reminds me of Bryan. I want to give us another try. I just haven’t figured out how. I haven’t even seen him since we talked a few weeks ago. I drove past his apartment in some futile hope that he would still be living there, but since the building is technically part of Ithaca College’s housing department, I knew he wouldn’t be there. For all I know, he could have moved back home.
“Can I help, Melanie?” Ruthie, a ten year old camper with Downs Syndrome asks as she pulls on my shorts.
“Of course you can. Let’s get this net out onto the field. You take that side.”
“Okay, I got it. Let’s go.” Her enthusiasm has me tripping over my feet as we stumble out of the supplies closet.
When we get out onto the field, I’m swarmed by the group of kids. Then Will, the counselor who I’ve been assigned to work with for the summer, blows the whistle. The kids all line up in the sideline. They’re so eager to please. Everyone is brightly smiling and jumping up and down as they not-so-patiently wait for our instructions.
Playing it up like he’s some kind of drill sergeant, Will clicks his heels together and stands up straight as an arrow. “Okay, Cadets. Here are the rules.” The kids laugh at his imitation. They know him too well to take him seriously. One of the boys at the end of the line gets a serious case of the giggles and Will calls out “Hey you! Stop that laughing now.” The little boy chokes back his laughter and salutes Will. The second Will’s back is turned, the boy starts laughing all over again.
Will winks at me and carries on with his little routine. The kids count off into “odd” and “even” teams and they sprint onto the field. After about ten minutes, we call a time out so that everyone can grab some water. Will walks over to me and hands me a water bottle.
“You’re doing great, Melanie. The kids really like you.” Will’s hazel eyes light up as he compliments me.
“Thanks, Will. I really like it here. I can totally see why you come back year after year.” I take a sip of my water and sit under the shade of the tree.
“Yeah, this place is great.” He sits beside me and dangles his bottle of water between his bent knees. We sit in companionable silence for a few minutes as we sip our water. Having worked with him every day for the last two weeks, we’ve built up a decent friendship. The conversation usually flows freely, but as I finish the last of my water, the stretched-out void feels awkward and uncomfortable.
Will chugs down the rest of his water and turns to face me. “So, are you busy tonight? Can I take you out to dinner?”
His question catches me off-guard and I stumble over my words. “I, uh, yeah, I mean, no.” Taking a deep breath, I steady my shaking hands and nervous words. “Sorry, I can’t. My mom and her boyfriend are actually coming in for the weekend. They should be at my place when I get home.” I gulp down a large swig of water. Anything to keep me from having to speak again. I like Will, a lot, but just not like that. I knew that I would be assigned to work with a more experienced counselor for my first summer. But when I found out that I was being paired up with the tall, dark and handsome man with the blinding smile and witty charm, I was more nervous than excited.
Taking my rejection in stride, he stands and holds his hand out to help me up. “Well, then maybe next Friday, huh?”
“Sure. We’ll see,” I say as I brush the grass from my butt.
Just as we’re about to walk back out onto the field where the kids are clamoring to get started again, our boss and camp owner, Holly walks up to us. There’s a girl standing meekly at her side and I recognize her immediately.
“Hey, Melanie, Will. I’d like you to meet our newest camper. This is Emmie. She just registered today.” When she hears my name, Emmie glances up at my face. Recognizing who I am, she runs into my arms and squeezes me tightly.
“Melanie!” She squeals with delight. The power of her hug has us spinning in circles. When Bryan and I were together, I spoke to her on the phone constantly. I think she liked having another girl, besides her mom, to talk to. I’m not surprised that she remembered me, but her recognition warms my heart like the glowing sun.
Pulling away from her, we exchange smiles. A look of confusion passes between Will and Holly before Will asks, “How do you know each other?”
Tucking Emmie into my side and draping an arm around her shoulder, I tell him, “Emmie here is my BFF. We go back a long time.” Emmie’s big brown eyes twinkle with pride and admiration. “We’re just about to get back to our soccer game. Did you want to b
e on my team, Emmie?”
“Yes. I love soccer!” She jumps up and down and claps her hands excitedly.
Holly squats in front of Emmie to make sure that they’re at eye level. We’re all very conscious of never talking down to the kids. “Okay, well you have fun then, Emmie. If you need anything, let Will or Melanie know. I’ll be back before lunch, okay?” Holly ruffles Emmie’s hair as she nods.
Squeezing my hand tightly, Emmie pulls me out onto the field. She’s pretty much my shadow for the rest of the day which works out perfectly for me. It means that I don’t have to explain how I really know her to Will. And he knows better than to get too involved in a conversation around the kids. They’re little sponges who absorb everything you say so we’re very careful to hold off on the personal talk until after work.
At the end of the day, I walk Emmie out to the parking lot. It’s not a sleep-away camp so we all wait with the kids until their parents pick them up. Waiting there with Emmie, I ask her the question that’s been on the tip of my tongue all day.
“So Emmie, who’s picking you up today?”
In true thirteen-year-old-girl fashion, she shoots me an eye-rolling look. “Bryan is, silly. Who else would?”
I want to say that I wasn’t sure where he was. That I haven’t seen him in weeks and that I didn’t even know he was still living in the area, but I know that wouldn’t be fair to Emmie. Besides, I don’t even know what she knows about us.
“There he is.” Emmie grabs my hand and pulls me toward Bryan as he steps out of his car.
He looks about as surprised to see me as I was when I saw Holly walk onto the soccer field with Emmie in tow.
“Bryan, look! It’s Melanie. She works here.”
“Hey, kiddo. Yeah, I see that.” Bryan takes in my counselor attire letting his gaze rest on my bare legs just a beat too long.
Emmie is twirling around so that her pigtails swing in the air. “Aren’t you supposed to kiss your girlfriend, Bryan?” she teases.
Suddenly nervous, Bryan shoves his hands in his back pockets and rocks on his heels. “Uh, well . . .” As his words trail off, I mouth “It’s okay,” so that only Bryan sees me.
“That’s sweet, Emmie, but I’m still at work. He’s going to have to wait to kiss me until later.” I wink at her and she lets go of the subject. Bryan mouths “thank you” to me.
“Come on. Let’s get you back home for dinner, okay?” Bryan takes Emmie’s backpack from her shoulder and plants a sweet kiss to the top of her head.
Before she runs over to his car, she gives me one last hug. “Will you be here Monday, Melanie?”
“Yep, I’ll see you then, Emmie.” I smile and wave at her as she opens the passenger door and pulls the seat belt across her shoulder. Gently closing the door behind her, Bryan faces me and a look of anguish and confusion knits his brows.
“Thanks for that save back there.”
“No problem, Bryan.” I nervously pick at a non-existent piece of fuzz on my shorts.
“Okay, then I guess I’ll see you Monday.” His words are rushed and I can tell he’s just trying to avoid the conversation, but I can’t let him get away that easily. Not this time.
“Wait, Bryan. We need to talk.” He opens his mouth to speak, but I hold up my hand to stop him. “Please, just let me finish.” He nods and I try to gather my thoughts.
“There’s so much that I need to say to you, so much that I need to explain.” I pause as my emotions start to get the best of me. “I miss you,” I add quietly.
I’m afraid to look at him. I’m afraid to find what his eyes will reveal about his feelings, so instead of looking at his reaction, I let my stare fall to the ground.
Needless to say, I’m startled when I feel his hand cup my cheek. I lean into his touch and peek up at him. “I miss you too.” His whisper can barely be heard over Emmie knocking on the window to get his attention.
He turns to her and holds up one finger, letting her know that he’ll just be another minute.
Looking back at me, he surprises me when he says, “You’re right. We do need to talk. Can I call you tomorrow night?”
All weekend plans with Mom and Evan fade into the background. “Of course you can.”
His face lights up briefly, but he quickly recovers. “If you still have the same number, I’ll call you after Emmie goes to bed. I don’t want her to get all confused. Okay?” When he clarifies the purpose behind our call, my heart hurts more than a little.
I quickly regain my composure, though. “Yeah, that sounds perfect. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”
Reminding myself that I need to take baby steps and that I need to be patient, helps me grasp onto the fleeting sense of hope that I had when he brushed his thumb lightly across my cheek.
I watch him get into his car and pull out of the parking lot. With a new-found sense of hope, I walk back to the main building of camp and gather my things to go home.
As the evening sun paints the sky a beautiful mix of orange and red, I recall the words that my dad wrote for me nineteen years ago. We’ve loved each other with everything we had. Now, all I need to do is be patient to see if we can get there again.
Chapter 15
As promised, Mom and Evan are at the house waiting for me when I get home. I made sure they got an extra copy of the key when I moved in. You know, just in case.
There’s a car in the driveway that I don’t recognize. It’s a white Subaru and from the looks of it, it can’t be more than a few years old. I’ve never seen it here before, so when I walk in the door, I call out, “Mom? Evan? Who’s with you guys?” As I round the corner of the hallway that leads into the living room, I quickly shield my eyes as Mom readjusts her shirt and Evan his khaki cargo shorts.
“Oh my God! You two were totally making out!” I peer at them through my fingers.
“Stop it! We were not, Melanie!” Mom’s defensive tone does nothing but make her sound guiltier.
“So that means I can look now?” I spread my fingers into wider slits over my eyes as if I’m watching a scary movie.
That’s essentially what I just walked in on.
“Yes, you can look. Stop it already!” I drop my hand at Mom’s last words, but as she walks toward me something looks off. Recognizing what it is, I laugh.
“Um, Mom? If you weren’t doing anything, can you explain how,” I point at the buttons on her shirt as I count, “three of your buttons are still undone? Or did you just forget to do those this morning?” I put my hand on my hip and pop it to the side.
She quickly turns around to fix the uneven buttons and Evan chuckles softly at being caught red-handed. “It’s good to see you, Melanie. How’s camp working out?”
“It’s great, Evan. I really can’t thank you enough for telling your friend about me. I love it there.” I drop my backpack to the floor and flop on the couch. “The only real pain in the butt is having to walk there and back. It’s not bad, but two miles each way, especially after playing soccer all day with the kids is killer.” I toe my sneakers off and stretch out my legs in front of me. After flexing my toes back and forth a few times, my legs feel a little better.
“So whose car is that out front?” A rather conspiratorial look passes between the two of them, but neither of them says anything right away. “What gives, guys? Spill it already.”
“Well, now that you’re off-campus, we thought it would be nice for you to have your own car,” Mom explains with excitement tingeing her words.
“We?” Another confused look passes between the three of us before Evan speaks up.
“Well, I was the one who actually suggested it. I didn’t like the idea of you walking to and from campus.” Evan scruffs his hand over his face. He seems like he’s searching for the right words. “I would . . . I mean, your mom would be too worried. So I made the suggestion and we found you a car.”
Once I wrap my head around it, I jump up and clap my hands excitedly. Throwing my arms around Evan’s neck, which I have to g
et on my tippy-toes to do, I plant a loud kiss on his cheek. “Thank you, thank you, thank you! This is so cool.”
Mom joins us in our little group hug and hands me the keys. “Let’s take it for a spin.”
The three of us spend the next fifteen minutes driving around town and through the campus. Mom’s been here a few times so she kind of knows the lay of the land, but Evan’s never seen more than the parking lot for my old suite. Of course, he’s most interested in the athletic fields.
As we pull back into the driveway, Mom suggests that we eat dinner at “the cute little Italian place across the street.” I’ve avoided going to Bella’s in the month or so since we’ve moved in because it holds too many memories for me. I know Bella will remember me, and I just don’t know if I can deal with having to explain to her what happened. I haven’t seen Bryan’s car parked there since that day he saw me weeding the front flowerbed. I can’t imagine that he gave her the run-down on everything so I’m pretty sure she’ll grill me the second she sees me.
I’m formulating my response to say we should go somewhere else, when Evan chimes in as he rubs a hand over his stomach. “I could definitely go for home-cooked meal with my two favorite girls.” Wrapping his strong arms around me and Mom, he kisses the top of her head. Okay, fine. I guess I’ll have to give in. There’s no denying someone who’s that sweet.
Later that night, we’re sitting at a table that Bryan and I sat at once. This time around, the candles don’t have that same warm glow. The music seems off and the food, while still delicious, doesn’t have the same yum factor that it did when I was eating it from Bryan’s fork. It makes me sad to realize that the magic held within Bella’s came mostly from the magic I felt with Bryan. It just makes me miss him even more.
The Love Series Complete Box Set Page 68
