Chapter Two
July 30, 2006
Dad’s fist slammed down on the table for what felt like the hundredth time and all I could think was at least it’s not my face, like last time. “Shane, are you even listening to me? Dammit, you’re such a fucking lost cause.” He tossed his hands up in the air and I literally bit down on my tongue to keep from talking back to him.
I tried my best to shut him out when he got like this, not to let his words affect me, but it was a pointless endeavor, really. So, rather than saying, “Yes, Dad. I am worthless—no thanks to you,” I sat ramrod straight in my chair and choked out, “Yes, sir. I’m listening.”
“You know, this camp cost me more money than I even want to think about. You better make sure you don’t screw around while you’re there.” He leaned across the table much like a snake slithers toward its prey. Folding his hands together, he eyed me like the piece of trash he repeatedly told me I was. “I’m waiting for the day you’ll do something to make me proud, but I guess I shouldn’t hold my breath,” he sneered.
After the words fell like venom from his mouth, a car beeped out front. Thank God, they were here, finally. I was getting a ride to camp with Dylan and his father. Rather than dreading the two-hour drive, I was actually looking forward to being in the car with Dylan and his dad, Ben.
They were normal.
They were happy.
They were everything I wasn’t.
Dad stood first; I learned long ago not to rise from my seat before he did—that was a sign of disrespect in his book. I couldn’t tell you how many times I’d wished he treated us with even just a sliver of the respect he’d demanded from us. As he squeezed my shoulder, almost to the point of being painful, it was clear respecting me was never going to happen.
Before I walked out the door into the just-rising sun, my father shoved my bag into my hands and told me “not to fuck up.” I swear, if Dylan and his dad hadn’t been waiting out front already, I know Dad would have shoved me out the door and down the steps.
As I walked down the cobblestone path leading to the street, I glanced back at the house and saw Mom waving to me from the window, a sad look coloring her face. God, what I wouldn’t give to take that sadness away from her. Even though I was dealing with my own shit-storm of sadness and a world of my own issues, I would gladly take on hers just to see her smile and hear her laugh like she used to.
Since it was still early, barely six in the morning, Reid was still asleep. I didn’t bother to wake him, so when I slid into the back seat, I punched out a quick text to him to let him know I’d call him later. I hated that I had to leave him there with Dad, but I had no choice in the matter, really. Hopefully, Reid would play it smart and just stay out of Dad’s way. Since it was still summer, he could easily just spend the day out with his friends without having to worry about Dad for more than a few hours a day.
Ben pulled away from the curb and Dylan turned in his seat to face me in the back. “You excited?” He was all bright-eyed and alive.
“Yeah,” I groaned through a huge-ass yawn, but in reality, I was exhausted. Another sleepless night of tossing and turning, of anxiety eating me alive from the inside out. Another morning waking up to my parents fighting, to my gut clenched in anger at the worthless feeling that was always hovering around me.
However, rather than saying anything about all of that shit, I plastered a fake smile on my face, feigning excitement about the camp I really didn’t want to go to. “I’m shot. I didn’t get much sleep last night. I think I’ll just close my eyes for a bit before we get there.” I tried my best to ignore the upset look that flashed across Dylan’s face as I balled a sweatshirt up into a makeshift pillow. Leaning up against the door, I closed my eyes and tried to sort through the shit in my head.
It was pointless, really. I’d never sort it all out. The best I could hope for at this point was just a bit of a break from it all while I was away from home. It was difficult to admit how shitty your life was to yourself when you were not even willing to admit it to the rest of the world. When those were the only thoughts in your head, all the fucking time, you started to feel like you lived in your own personal hell.
That was pretty much all my life was. I’d be worried if my family had noticed that I’d retreated into myself more and more in the last year, but then again, they’d have to care about me for that to happen. I mean, I guess Mom cared, but who the hell knew and I’d be one selfish son-of-a-bitch wanting her to put me before her own sadness. Dad was pretty much a lost fucking cause. God, even thinking about him made my stomach roil in a fit of rage, my fists clenching involuntarily under my rolled up hoodie.
Then there was Reid. He was the only one I could turn to, the only one who I could trust, but what kind of big brother would I be if I laid all my problems at his feet when his life sucked just as much as mine did. If I thought Dad was tough on me, he was like a prison guard with Reid. You know how some parents expect less out of the younger sibling? Well, that was definitely not the case with Dad and Reid. So there was no way in hell I was going to burden him with my problems.
They were mine and mine alone.
“This place kicks ass.” Dylan flopped back onto his bed after tossing his bag on the floor. I stood by the window that looked out onto the quad and took a deep breath. After a two-hour drive, we finally arrived at the small college campus where the Central New York Youth Baseball camp was held. Turning around, I took stock of the small dorm room and a huge smile spread across my face.
“Hell yeah, it does.” I felt freer in that moment than I could ever really explain. For two full weeks, I could run and play ball with people who were here for the exact same reason; they weren’t here to break or belittle me.
“So it looks like we’ve got a meeting at eleven and then lunch. Our first practice is this afternoon at four.” Dylan laid back on the bed, holding the itinerary in one hand and the TV remote in the other. “What should we do until then?” he asked as he mindlessly flipped through the channels.
Looking beyond the open field out behind the quad, my legs grew twitchy. After sitting in the car, biting back my anxiety the entire time, I needed to let off some steam and a run seemed like the perfect way to do that. “I think I’ll hit that trail out there.” I angled my head to the huge evergreens lining the path as I pulled my running sneakers out of my bag.
“Sounds good,” Dylan agreed as he turned off the TV and got up from the bed. Ten minutes later, we made our way across the field and stretched a little before hitting the trail. I could tell that Dylan wanted to say something, probably wanted to ask about my dad again. Maybe one day I’d want to talk about it, but today, with the warm air filling my lungs with some kind of renewed energy, was definitely not that day. Right then, all I wanted to do was run until my legs gave out, until my lungs couldn’t take it, until I felt like I was far enough away from who I really was so that I could be someone else entirely. Since that last part would never happen, I would have to settle for the three miles we had time for.
When we arrived at what we assumed was the halfway point, we stopped to take a quick break. Neither one of us thought to bring any water, not that we would have wanted to carry it anyway. While most people would have felt anything other than happiness at being hunched over, completely unable to breathe with sweat dripping from pretty much everywhere, I felt nothing but elated.
“Keep running like that and you’ll knock a full second off your home-to-first time,” Dylan managed between shallow breaths. The sharp reminder of why I was here hit me right in the gut; I had to use this time to train, to sharpen my skills, to shut my father the fuck up.
That last thought caused a wicked smile to pull at my lips. “What time did you say the weight room was open?” I straightened up, finally able to pull in a deep breath.
“Um, I think it was seven. Yeah, after dinner. Why? You think you want to go?” Dylan looked at me sideways as he stretched out his legs.
“I’m just thi
nking I might as well use the time here to my advantage. Prove to my father that I’m not a total failure.” Dylan’s eyes widened a little at my small confession, but thankfully, he didn’t press for more. Instead, he jumped up and down a few times and shook out his legs. Shooting me an I’m-up-to-no-good look, he said, “It’s on, now. I am so going to kick your ass. Let’s go!” Then he was off, sprinting ahead of me, leaving his challenge to race him back to the dorms somewhere in the dust behind him.
“Nice work out there, Shane,” Coach Murphy squeezed my shoulder as he walked up to me in the cafeteria later that night. “You’re a real natural. With a little bit of work on that slider, you’ll be unhittable.”
“Thanks, Coach. I’ll be sure to get out there early and stay late to work on it.” For some odd reason, putting in a little bit of extra effort here didn’t seem like punishment.
“Sounds good, Shane. Keep up the good work, kid.” Coach tipped his hat to me as I walked away, dinner tray in hand, to the table where Dylan was sitting with Scott and Eric, two friends we met earlier in the day while running drills.
“Dude, did you leave anything up there for the rest of us?” Scott joked as he took stock of my overly full plate.
“What? I’m bulking up. You might want to follow suit.” Scott was fast, but mainly because he was skinny as hell.
“Works to my advantage. Last season I was only caught stealing twice. I’ll take speed over strength any day,” he mumbled around a full mouth of pasta.
I would never admit it to anyone aloud, but while my main motivation for the extra workouts was to prove my father wrong, I also had an ulterior motive—to be finally big enough to fight back.
“So I guess that means you won’t be joining us in the optional weight-lifting session tonight, huh?” I asked as I sank down into my chair.
“No, we’ll be there. Even though it says ‘optional,’ we know they keep track of those things,” Eric answered for both him and Scott. “Our coach back home would kill us if he found out we didn’t do everything that was ‘optional.’ He’s quite the overachiever.”
“Sounds familiar,” I grumbled under my breath, wondering if their coach was as mean about over-achieving as my father was.
We laughed through the rest of dinner, sharing horror stories about our coaches and laughing about some of the stuff that went down that day. For the first time in so long, it felt cathartic to be with friends and not have to worry about anything.
However, stepping into the weight room a few hours later brought the worry back in full force. Determined to prove my father wrong, and maybe finally shut him the fuck up, I grabbed a pre-printed workout routine from Coach, and then Eric, Scott, Dylan, and I hit the circuit. After forty-five minutes, our arms and legs were shaking and we were covered in sweat.
I tossed Dylan a bottle of water and sat next to him on the bench where he was sitting, his head in his hands wiping away the sweat with a towel. “Hey, man, you okay?”
He didn’t say anything at first, swigging back most of his water in one huge gulp. He made another pass with the towel across his face before finally looking over to me. When he did, it was as if he was seeing me for the first time, as if I hadn’t been in the same room as him for the last hour. “Yeah, I’m good.” He stood from the bench quickly, again without even looking at me. When he got to the door, he turned around, an almost sad look on his face. “Must’ve ate something funky at dinner or maybe I’m just shot from the long-ass day. I’m gonna head back to the room.”
When he walked away, I knew that something else was bothering him, but I was in the zone and needed to get in another round on the circuit before I could call it quits.
Standing at the head of the bench, I spotted Eric on his second round of bench-presses. “He okay?” Scott asked from the other side of the bench, tipping his head at the doors through which Dylan had just left.
I shrugged before helping Eric place the bar back in its holder. “Yeah, I guess. Just tired probably.”
“No, I mean like . . .” Scott’s words fell silent as Eric stood from the bench.
Eric shot him a glare and gritted out, “Dude,” as a way to silence whatever Scott was just about to say.
I stood back, watching the entire exchange pass in the blink of an eye, not really sure what to make of it. “What do you mean?” I folded my arms across my chest, my voice taking on a defensive tone.
“Nothing. He meant nothing, right, Scott?” Eric shot him another look as he twisted open a bottle of water.
Scott straightened his back, took a deep breath, and puffed out a “whatever,” before facing me. “Is he,” rather than using his words to complete the sentence, he flipped his hand back and forth, “you know? A fag?”
I’d like to think there wasn’t anger or hatred in the way he spat out the word “fag,” but then I’d be lying. I’d also like to say that my world didn’t spin a little, threatening to swallow me whole as the word tumbled out either, but then again, I’d be lying once more.
Scott, a kid who I’d known less than twenty-four hours, had put a voice to what I’d always thought about my best friend, but could never say myself.
He’d also put a voice to my own darkest secret—one which would never see the light of day.
Knowing there was no way I could let them think that, or let them see my faltering, I recovered quickly and tossed my sweaty towel in his face. “No way in hell. I’ve known Dylan my whole life. Don’t you think I’d know if he was queer?” A feeling of betrayal punched me in the gut at calling him a queer, even if it was only intended to defend and protect him.
It still makes you a coward.
“No need to get your sac all twisted. I was just curious.” Scott punched me jokingly on the arm, and all I could think about was whether I’d been convincing enough.
Twenty minutes later, when we were all done with our workout, the three of us trekked across the campus to our dorms, more than exhausted and in desperate need of a shower. When I got back to my room, Dylan wasn’t there, but it was clear he had been. Shrugging off the unease from the early conversation, or accusation depending on how you looked at it, I showered quickly, not wanting to focus on the possibility of Dylan being gay.
Or the reality of me being gay.
Chapter Three
August 7, 2006
After being at the camp for a week, I wasn’t so sure I’d made the best choice. Rather than giving me the time to think and clear my head, all being there had done was confused the fuck out of me. Reading over the words I’d written in my journal over the seven days didn’t help at all. At home, it was different. No one looked at me differently. I was just Dylan Hopkins; there was nothing more to me. Maybe that was because I was never without Shane and Reid—maybe they took the focus off me.
But here, I felt like there was a sign over my head in rainbow-colored letters flashing “homo” wherever I went. I was pretty sure Scott caught me staring at Shane in the weight room the other night. He glared at me sideways and whispered something under his breath to Eric who immediately looked my way.
It became nearly impossible to be around everyone in the weight room and even more so after we worked out. My brain was turning into a jumbled mess and I had no clue how to un-mess it. So while everyone was out doing whatever it was that they did after we were free for the day, I pulled out my journal and tried to clear my head.
Most nights, I wrote until my hand felt like it was going to fall off, but tonight, Shane came barreling through door, laughing like a fool.
Before he could see it, I slid my journal in-between the mattress and box spring and sat up straight against the wall. “You gotta come down to the lake,” Shane puffed out, trying to catch his breath.
“Why?” I kicked my legs over the side of the bed and slid my feet into my Nike sandals, ready to go in an instant, despite the skepticism in my voice.
I grabbed my key from the desk and pulled it over my neck, letting in fall down my back in-between my shou
lder blades. The humid summer air that was usually unbearable during the day was marginally better. As we walked closer to the lake, the air grew a bit cooler. The moonlight shimmered across the lake as a loon called out in the distance. In the shadows, I could see a bunch of the guys huddled together under a tree, the bright glare of what I assumed was a computer screen lighting their faces up in the glow.
“What the hell?” I kept the words to a low mumble, one hopefully only I heard. The moans I thought I heard from a few feet back were now growing louder and louder as we approached the group.
It seemed as if no one even noticed us as we sat down. They were obviously glued to the screen where the girl on girl porn was playing. “Eric swiped it from his older brother,” Shane said by way of explanation.
You could have heard a pin drop. Except for the noises coming from the computer, no one spoke. I watched on and tried my best to appear interested; though I’m pretty sure no one was paying attention to me.
Shit, if I thought my head was fucked up before this, it was even more so now. In the back of my brain, the part that was always trying to maintain the perfect cover for who I knew I really was, I couldn’t help but think this was all some kind of game. Perhaps a trick that Eric and Scott were trying to play on me after our stilted exchange of glares in the weight room the other day.
Rather than getting too ahead of myself, I sat there calmly and tried not to get too worried about being outed. Besides what did they have as proof?
You checking out another guy. That’s what they’ve got against you.
The laptop lid slamming shut shook me out of my worry. “Dude, that was fucking hot. You have to get more of those,” Ryan, one of Scott and Eric’s friends from their hometown team said as he not-so-casually grabbed at his crotch, disguising it as readjusting himself.
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