On 29 January, Helen wrote with a piece of news of her own, foreshadowing the career in which she would later be so successful.
Do you remember that about three months ago I wrote a little article on how a shorthand typist should not behave at an interview for a job? It was such a small article that I did not even bother to send the magazine concerned a 2½d stamp with which to return it to me, but last night when I got home a letter was waiting for me with £1.1.0 in it as payment. I was terribly pleased because it is the first article I have ever written for money. On Monday I shall bank it and it will be a little more to help to straighten out our finances. It is encouraging to try again. I am so anxious that you should not have to bear the entire burden of what we must do and if this can be a way of helping you, I shall write everything I can think of.
Avadh replied, obviously proud of her:
I was very glad to know that your article was accepted for publication. I congratulate you on it and assure you that I will see that you write more of them – don’t think I write this because of money – but because – well one does many things for pleasure – it will be a pleasure if you write something – detective novels say.
As far as I know, Mum had not considered writing novels at this time, but my dad obviously appreciated the quality of her writing. Was it he who originally put the germ of the idea for her future career into her head or did she already have ambitions in this direction? Much later she commented in a speech that it was taken for granted that a well-educated person of her generation would be capable of writing a book.
Before long their thoughts were once again preoccupied by the delicate negotiations with Kashi and her family. Helen wrote:
I am finding it a little nerve-racking knowing that our future is being decided for us by people I don’t even know 6,000 miles away, knowing that they can do all sorts of things to you and I shall not know and shall not be there to take the blows with you. Sweetheart, I am always behind you to love and take care of you whatever happens. I do not fear the future if we are together. Neither of us is exactly helpless and we can make our way together.
Dear God, I hope I can come to you soon. I am not starving or anything – it is just wanting to be with you, to sort our lives out, to build together like birds. Roll on the great day.
Avadh replied:
First of all I must say that you can trust my people that they will bring about a settlement in our favour – one of the reasons is that only yesterday my mother had written to me – asking me to be only patient and take care of myself – the rest she said they will look to my happiness. But a settlement is not in their hands alone, so it may take some time.
We know now that the Hindu Code Bill will not come before the Assembly before August. Since it will be difficult for you to get a week-to-week employment, either I can send you some money £20 to £30 every month, which I must say I can afford to share from my pay. I think this will be enough for you and I shall begin sending it to you, whether you need it or not, so that we can get rid of our debts as quickly as we can.
What I am arriving at is whether it would be possible for you (of course in the event of things not being settled just at this stroke) to postpone your departure for here at one stroke for a month or six weeks or even two months, and get employment there. I am certain that things must get settled in that time and if they are not then the only course left will be my coming to you. From my point of view this procedure of delaying your departure has certain advantages: i) we will clear our debts much quicker and then when you come we shall be able to spend more on ourselves; ii) in case I have to come to you, you will get enough time to secure a permanent employment. iii) when you come after that time and you decide to come by sea, it will just be time for summer holidays (May) and we can spend the entire days at a hill station – of course, the heat otherwise would be rather too much for you.
But, Love, you must not think I am asking you to do this as I do not exactly know in what position you are there and all the above arguments have counter arguments.
Rest assured that whatever you do will have my unreserved support because I know that I have put you in a completely strange situation by my follies – for if I had only guessed what Kashi would do at the last moment, I would have asked you from the beginning to make your departure at a later date but it was a genuine mistake and I am really sorry about it.
Helen wrote back sympathizing with all the stress he was going through. She was mindful, however, of the need to avoid being a financial burden on her parents. Her father, Paul, was still working for the City of Liverpool at this time. I am not sure if Lavinia was working or not, but certainly money was not in abundance.
When I think of the effect it must have had on you I feel for you and am amazed that you had the courage to stick to your guns and insist that you would marry me – I feel I have a champion indeed and that you will never fail me if you did not fail me then. Sometimes I feel very wicked at all the grief I cause to you, but I feel that the world would take every mortal thing away from us if we did not fight tooth and claw to keep it, and also particularly you and I have earned a little happiness. I may have been inconvenienced at this end, but I think you have gone through hell at your end and I do appreciate that it was for my sake – makes me feel proper humble, as they say in Liverpool.
I still do not know what is to happen to me at the office but I know I can be sure of employment for this week. Actually I am very anxious indeed to avoid leaving the Metal Box Company because if you were to return here I must have a good job until you are able to work. For this reason, I have asked you to let me have a cable if you decide you must return, so that I can make arrangements with the company to take up permanent employment with them again. I hate asking you for money, but my parents cannot unfortunately afford to keep me for nothing, as they already have to keep one adult, my brother Edward, who is not earning, while he goes through school and university. I should be most unwelcome were I unable to contribute anything to the home, although of course they would never actually let me go hungry.
I appreciate your suggestion that I should time my arrival for May, so that I will land when holidays are due to commence, but I have such an overwhelming desire to be with you, no matter what the discomfort, that I hope you will let me come as quickly as it is humanly possible for me to get an air passage. The thought that we may be able to spend a little time in May in the hills will make me endure the heat, knowing that I shall have some break from it, no matter how short. The fear in me that we might be parted forever by some malignant fate haunts me throughout each day and nothing short of being actually with you will cure it. You know also that feeling I always have that I must act quickly or I may lose the opportunity. The feeling is only a residue of the war, but it is very real to me. When we never knew whether we would live to see the next day, we tended to hasten everything!
Two months before, it had all seemed quite simple. She was in love. She was about to join her husband-to-be in India. Now, my mother had been separated from the man she loved for much longer than the two weeks she had expected, and there was still no certain resolution in sight. Given the difficulties of coming to a settlement with Kashi and her family, she must have worried that it could still go wrong – and she was determined to do all she could to prevent that happening. She was under a lot of stress and I can sense her frustration.
Many years later my mother would once again be a very resilient and selfless person but, at this point, she saw serious obstacles on the path to happiness that lay in front of her. The strident tone of some of her letters betrays her anxiety mingled with sheer determination not to lose this wonderful man she had fallen for. She would find a way through all the practical difficulties and challenges the uncertain delay meant for her, but she couldn’t help reminding Avadh from time to time that he was not the only one who was suffering.
At least she had some beautiful love letters from him to sustain her. He wrote: ‘You must wonder whether it is
not someone else who is writing to you, for in my writings in England you had always seen me in very matter of fact style, but I can assure you that it is the same person writing only somehow I find that when writing to you my whole heart begins to crave for you and then my mind and brain retire.’ They are long, rambling letters and at one point he said he was trying to make his correspondence more structured and answer Helen’s points more directly but then he gave up and decided to go back to his ‘happy-go-lucky’ style.
The latest news was that Kashi’s mother wanted to come to Ahmedabad to talk to him directly but Avadh’s Doctor Brother managed to persuade her not to. Instead she went to Avadh’s family home near Delhi. His brother wrote advising that it would not be prudent for Helen to come to India until Kashi’s mother had returned to Kashmir. Adding that he agreed, Avadh forwarded the letter to Helen.
Helen wrote on 31 January:
Darling,
This is in reply to your letter of 24th, 25th (enclosing your brother’s letter) and 26th January, but before I say a blessed thing about them I want to tell you that I love you terribly and that loving you grows with me each day – that is, if it is possible to love someone more than with every bone in one’s body and every thought in one’s mind.
Your letters made me realize that I could not go on in my present situation any longer and that I must, both for my own sake and Mr Wilkinson’s sake come to some sort of agreement over my work which would enable me to continue to work, if necessary, for many months to come. I have agreed that, if I do not receive definite news from you by the end of this week, I shall take up a post which he will offer me in this office at my present salary, on the understanding that I must give him at least one month’s notice before I leave – that is the snag. It means it will be a whole month from receipt of news from you that I am able to come, that I shall be able to start on my journey, and if possible he wants more than one month’s notice. The fact that I should have to wait so long even if I have good news from you hurt me almost to tears but it was the only way in which I could be sure of earning my living until you send for me and the only way of being sure of a good job should you have to return to this country.
Thank [Doctor Brother] very, very much for the offer of help. The way your family have helped us touches me to the heart. Thank you, too, for the way in which you consider my wellbeing.
She then offered advice on the forthcoming visit to the laboratory of a prominent Swedish radio astronomer, Dr Rydbeck. My mother was always very astute when it came to the murky, dog-eat-dog world of academic politics and Dad was grateful for her realpolitik insights.
I would, if I were you, snatch every possible opportunity to get to know well as many of these important mill owners, or scientists of any nationality, who may cross your path, even for a moment.
Many a man has saved his life by having only the faintest acquaintance with the right person. Even if you only meet for a moment in a corridor, or hand a person his stick, make sure he knows who you are if you possibly can. You may not realize it, but you are very charming and you should cultivate all the important people you can – snatch every small chance that comes. By so doing you will slowly make your position more and more impregnable.
When I come you will be in a better position to offer hospitality to any visitors, so you can then quickly jump in with an invitation yourself. Also, where any Europeans are concerned, you will have the advantage of having a home in which they will not feel completely strange and a wife who can at least speak good English. When I come out, I shall seize every opportunity of getting to know the right ladies in the town – a few old female battleaxes on our side who will nag their husbands to death if anything detrimental happens to us, will be worth their weight in gold. Even if I have to walk 10 miles with fresh flowers (or whatever one takes to old ladies in India) and on top of that have to eat things full of red pepper, I’ll do it to help you!
Mum would later be an incredible asset to Dad, not only in her endless emotional and practical support, but by hosting many parties and dinners in order to advance his career, although she found them rather boring and a lot of work. For the moment, she sounds resigned to the delays in their plans and relieved that her boss, Mr Wilkinson, was prepared to be so flexible: ‘I think I must be a damned nuisance to him, but it does him credit that he has continued to employ me although he is bound to be censured by Head Office due to the cost. He is indeed a good friend.’
Around this time, Mr Wilkinson and his wife invited Helen to spend a weekend with them at their house. They gave a party and Helen told Avadh how proud she would have been had he been with her.
Mr Wilkinson thought very highly of Helen and she had enormous respect for him. In the 1980s she gave a talk about the development of characters and she cited him as an example of a person who compensated effectively for a weakness.
I once worked for a man 4’8” tall. His wife, incidentally, was just under six feet – and they adored each other. That man was a big executive in an enormous business. When he wanted to speak to his workmen he had to send for a chair to stand on, so that he could be seen. Once he started to speak, you could see how he dominated the hulking types who worked for him. His eyes flashed, his arms flailed. He was tremendously clear and exact in his instructions to his men, and he delivered them with such wit that the place would be echoing with laughter before he had done. In sixteen years of rule, he never had a strike.
I once said to him when I had stopped laughing myself, ‘That was a marvellously clever way of telling the men something unpleasant.’ He grinned, and said, ‘I was always the smallest boy in my class at school – I couldn’t fight anybody. So I had to learn how to make a quick joke and divert them without causing further offence.’
You see, a little man, who was physically lost in a very muscular world, compensated beautifully.
On 1 February, Helen was delighted to receive a request that she bring out to India some surgical instruments that Avadh’s Doctor Brother had ordered. Surely it was a firm sign of her acceptance by the family?
I don’t think anything could have cheered me up more than your brother’s request that I should bring with me the surgical instruments he has ordered. I really and truly felt that he was quite certain in his mind that you would be able to arrange for me to come to India. I will certainly bring them and take great care of them – when they arrive at my house I will write your brother a little letter – it will give me an opportunity of saying ‘thank you’.
The flat sounds awfully nice – we are lucky. I think, sweet, you had better get some curtains as soon as you can conveniently afford them, as it will do more than anything else to make the house look pleasant. I do not know what kind of curtains it is usual to have in India, but patterned curtains always make rooms look more ‘furnished’, so do you think we could have some with a pattern of flowers or something with a formal design all over them? If the builders have left the walls of the rooms just white or pale yellow, a soft blue would look cool and pleasant in the living room, and I should like something pink or yellow in the bedroom. In the kitchen, something in gay red or green stripes – or anything which looks gay and clean. Perhaps the Lady Professor [who lived next door] would advise you on buying material which does not fade. Have them made 6” longer than the window bracket unless this makes them drag on the floor (in which case, don’t). This will give the curtains a better chance of fitting the windows of any other house we may move to. I should love to have made the curtains myself, but I do want the flat to be pleasant for you.
I am counting the days, the hours, the minutes until I may come to you. God grant it may be soon – the time is so long without you.
Your own adoring devil,
Helen
The delay was also preying on Avadh’s mind. On 27 January he wrote:
I feel that I can no longer bear your separation and I agree with you that if after four weeks, there is no settlement either I shall come to you or you come to me. I feel th
at I am losing all interest in work and it is no use bearing something to such an extent one has very little left. But anyway though I sound depressed and am so, I am made of enough steel not to crack, so you better take care of yourself.
By the 28th, Avadh’s resolve to force the issue with Kashi had strengthened and he wrote that he would leave for England if there was no settlement within a month. It would be much more difficult for her to get maintenance if he was out of the country. She would likely have to force it through the courts.
Helen replied on 2 February saying that she thought he was right to force the issue with Kashi but warning: ‘Do not act too hastily about giving up your job – that is something to be done only in the last resort. As you see, I can keep myself going for a while now, and that will give you breathing space.’
She reassured him that she would manage financially, and that he should not berate himself for the difficulties in which they found themselves.
You say you have given me nothing but worry up to now but that is not true. You have already given me untold happiness. This last year, despite all its worries, has been the happiest year of my life. I often think of all the nice things we have done together and I dream of adding to this precious store of memories. You are not to think that because I write long letters all about the practical things we have to do, that I do not think of the mental and physical good things of our future life together. You and I are a perfect complement to each other – like coffee and cream. We shall be together soon.
Passage Across the Mersey Page 12
