by Macy Farmer
“Natalia, please, let me get you dressed.”
“B-Br-Bradley?” I sobbed almost relieved but unable to trust myself.
“Yes, my love.” Crying, I crawled to him repeating his name over and over again. Lifting me up into his arms I grabbed onto him, terrified, refusing to let him go. “Colleen, please cover her with that blanket.” A cold blanket covered my body. I wanted to wrap it around my entire body, curl into the fetal position and hide from the rest of the world.
“Brad, take her back into the house and to the bedroom. I’ll be right in,” Colleen said.
“Coll, are you o-okay?” I had no idea what I was saying. My body and mind were too numb for rational thinking.
“Everyone is fine, even Seager. Don’t worry about us, Nat.” She kissed my cheek before Bradley carried me off into the house as Colleen had instructed.
For the longest time I laid there crying. The image of Andrew on top of me, trying to force himself into me played in my head over and over again. I tried to jump up but couldn’t. Someone prevented me from doing so. I screamed to be let go and I swung in the darkness. The restraints were released and I threw myself onto the floor into the corner. I tried to focus. Looking down at myself I realized someone had dressed me.
Hidden by the darkness I heard Bradley say, “Natalia, please don’t be frightened. Andrew can’t hurt us anymore.”
“Bradley… where are you? Please don’t leave me again, please.” Before I finished the word ‘leave’ he knelt down in front of me. I threw myself into his arms.
“Are you okay?” I searched every part of him to ensure he didn’t get hurt.
“I’m fine, Natalia. Are you okay? I’m so sorry.” Disgust spewed through his teeth.
The room started to spin. My body broke out in a sweat, my stomach performing somersaults. “I’m not feeling so good, Bradley. I think I need to go to the bathroom.” I ran into the bathroom, slamming the door behind me.
Leaning over the sink, I heaved and vomited. My skin was clammy and cold yet I felt like I was burning up. Sweat poured off of me, running down my face, drenching my hair. Brushing my gums, tongue and teeth, I desperately try to rid his kiss and saliva from my mouth. As I did so, an image of the devil himself, Andrew, formed in my mind. He was on top, penetrating and kissing me. Again I threw up, this time into the sink. Shaking my head, trying to rid my mind of the sadistic bastard, I turned on the hot water, letting it get so hot steam started rising from the sink. Rinsing and burning my mouth, I repeated the scrubbing process. The entire time I disinfected my mouth I could hear Bradley, Jess and Colleen talking about me.
I heard Colleen say, “Just give her some time, Brad. I would be doing the same thing.”
“You didn’t see what I saw Coll. He was on top of her. She was terrified and he was on top of her…” Bradley sounded horrified and disgusted.
Not wanting to hear anymore, I got into the shower to block out their voices. The scolding hot water washed over me, scorching my skin. Once the water started to cool I scrubbed my lips and breasts until they hurt then moved to my thighs and other private areas, scrubbing my entire body until it became painfully raw. As the water became hotter again I sat down in the tub, directly under the shower to let it burn him off of me. Holding my knees tight to my chest I sat there rocking back and forth, crying.
There was a light tap on the door.
“I’m in the shower,” I managed to say.
“I’m just checking on you, Nat. You’ve been in here for over two hours.” I looked up and Colleen was standing right outside the shower. I hadn’t even heard her enter the room. “We’ll be out there waiting for you. Take your time.”
“C-Coll…” Not realizing how long I’d been in the shower, I turned off the water. “Will you get me a change of clothes, preferably my sweat shirt and pants?”
“Sure. Here’s a towel.” She reached her arm behind the curtain, handing me the towel.
I quickly dried off and wrapped the wet towel tightly around me. Standing in front of the mirror I saw a huge bruise that ran along my jawbone. There were also bruises on my neck, shoulders, and wrists. To get a look at the rest of my body I let the towel drop to the floor. My breasts and thighs were black and blue, too.
Again Colleen entered the room without knocking. “Oh, Nat... What did he do to you?” She helped me get dressed into oversized clothes. It’s exactly what I wanted even though they weren’t mine.
“Where did this outfit come from?”
“It’s one of Dave’s. How about you heal yourself?”
“I tried but it didn’t work. It’s not like I can heal myself mentally anyway.” I looked up at her. My vision blurred by the tears still trapped in my eyes. “Can I go home now? I really want to go home.”
“Okay, I’ll get Brad to take you home…”
Panicked I reached out and grabbed her arm, digging my fingers into her skin, whispering, “No… you. Please?”
She hugged me and I stiffened. Letting go, she reassured me with, “I’ll come with you when Brad takes you home.”
“Can you stay tonight? Please?” I sobbed.
Fear controlled my mind. I couldn’t think or make sense of what I wanted to say. I don’t know why I didn’t want to be alone with Bradley, I trusted him. For some reason I only wanted him at arm’s length and no closer. Colleen went out first to talk to Bradley and Jess. Although I couldn’t make out the words I could definitely hear the disgust in his voice.
When I came out of the bathroom Bradley was standing on the other side of the room. He looked heartbroken. Without looking him in the eye I said, “I’d really like to go home now. And I’d really like it if Colleen spent the night.” Not waiting for him to agree I turned and walked out of the room.
There was blood all over the living room. Horrified I covered my face with my hands muttering, “No,” over and over again.
“Come on, Nat. Keep your eyes covered and I’ll lead you through the room. You don’t need to see this.”
I did as Colleen suggested and let her blindly guide me outside.
“Okay you can open your eyes now.”
“Where’s my truck,” I asked frantically confused how we were going to get home.
“It’s down the mountain. Nat, Brad will need to carry you to the truck.” Fear shot throughout my body. Peering at him through the corner of my eyes I saw him wince, feeling my fear of him.
“Okay.” Slowly I walked towards him without making eye contact.
“Natalia, I won’t hurt you, I promise.” He bent down to look into my eyes but I wouldn’t let him, instead I turned away.
“I know,” I said in an unconvincingly shaky voice, telling myself he wouldn’t hurt me. “How do you want to carry me?” I tried to fight back the tears but couldn’t.
When he lifted me into his arms, I turned away so that I couldn’t see how disgusted he would be from touching me. Bradley ran super fast. The wind felt good on my face. After a few seconds I leaned my head against his chest. Listening to his steady shallow breathing, I wanted him to hold me tightly until I no longer felt Andrew’s hands on me. Even though I knew we’d be to the truck shortly, I gave in. Wrapping my arms tightly around his neck, I hid my face in the hollow of his shoulder, sobbing.
When we got to the truck Colleen asked Bradley, “Why don’t you give her to me and you can sit up front with Jess?”
Like Colleen, he thought I wanted him to let go. I held on tighter mumbling, “No.” I heard Bradley sigh with relief. Colleen laughed softly as Bradley climbed in without effort and slid into the backseat with me in his arms.
On his lap and securely in his arms I felt safe and drifted off into a light sleep. That night continued to race through my mind. There were so many things I could have done differently. Like why didn’t I use my magic? I just froze and let fear get the best of me.
Seeing Andrew’s face, feeling his hands on me, freaked me out and I jumped. Snapping my eyes open I cried out loud, “Get off of m
e!”
Bradley cautiously placed me on the far side of the back seat before sliding back over to the other side. Sagging against the passenger door I was relieved to be in the truck, heading towards home. Turning my head slightly I noticed Bradley quietly staring out the window. Needing his comfort, the security of his arms, I slid over to his side, moved his arms and straddled his lap, leaning my head on his chest.
Privately I whispered, “I know I disgust you but please…” He wrapped his arms around me and held me again. “Don’t leave me. I’m s-so s-s-sorry.” Disgusted and disappointed with myself, I covered my face, hiding my shame. “I know I could have done something but I was so scared… I don’t know why but I couldn’t use my magic. Please forgive me.”
Bradley pulled me in tighter to him then said the three words I so desperately needed to hear, “I love you.” Hearing those words made it easier for me to fall asleep.
***
I could hear the three of them; Bradley, Jess and Colleen, talking softly as I felt myself being lifted up and carried from the truck. I’m not sure how long I was asleep, but my first thoughts after waking were of Seager. “Seager…”
“He’s with us, Natalia, he’s okay.” Bradley said his voice reassuring. “Do you want me to put you into your bed?”
All I really heard was ‘your bed’, not ‘our bed’.
“No I don’t want to sleep.” I was exhausted but didn’t want him to leave nor did I want to be alone with him yet. Plus, I knew if I slept I would have nightmares. “Please put me down.” As requested, he set me in my feet.
I walked into the kitchen and got myself a drink. I hadn’t realized how thirsty I was until I started drinking. I must’ve drunk three bottles of water. Before walking back into the living room I grabbed another bottle.
When I walked into the living room all three of them looked up at me, making me feel uncomfortable so instead of sitting on the sofa, I headed to the bedroom to grab a change of clothes. After grabbing some loose clothing I went into the bathroom and once again I got into a hot shower to scrub Andrew off of me.
Colleen walked into the bathroom, “Another shower, Nat?”
“I can’t get him off of me.” I got out and the look on her face made me ask, “What?”
Shaking her head she muttered, “You have even more bruises than the last time.” Pressing her hands against her stomach, her face blanched before turning away from me. I’m not sure, but I could’ve sworn there was disgust in her eyes.
“Please don’t be disgusted with me Colleen. First Bradley, now you… I just can’t take disappointing anyone else.” I quickly got dressed into my most comfortable pajamas hoping they would help get him off of me.
“I’m not disgusted with you, Nat. I hate what he did to you.” Her shocked expression changed to confusion. “You think Brad is disgusted?”
“I know he is. I heard it in his voice.” Grabbing my toothbrush, I scrubbed my teeth.
She grabbed my hand and took my bloody toothbrush away. Rinsing it she said, “He’s disgusted with himself because he didn’t make it in time. He thinks he failed you. Nat, you need to stop cleaning yourself like this.” She gently took hold of my arm to show me what I did to myself. I had scratch marks all over my body, especially my breasts and thighs, from trying to scrub him off of me.
“I can’t get him off of me.” I whispered hugging myself, shrinking away with disgust.
Putting her hands on my shoulder, she said sympathetically, “Natty, he raped you. It will take you a while to feel clean again.”
Offering a watery smile, I took a step back, giving myself room to breathe. “Almost. Had Bradley not pulled him off of me, Andrew would have... He was about to Coll, but thankfully he didn’t. If he had raped me, I would have begged for someone to kill me.” I shook my head and covered my ears with my hands, trying to get rid of the sound of his voice and images in my head. “It’s my fault. I panicked and couldn’t use my magic. I just froze with fear.”
My mind replaying, in agonizing detail, what happened, over and over again, left me feeling unclean. My skin crawling had me getting undressed again. “Colleen, I need to get in the shower again. I’ll be out in a little bit,” I said stepping back into the shower.
Colleen reached in the shower and took all the body cleaning supplies. “Fine, if it helps you, but you can’t continue to scrub your skin raw just let the water cleanse you.” She carried everything out with her when she left.
This time when I got out of the shower I felt a smidge better. They were playing a game of rummy when I walked into the living room. Feeling uncomfortable, like I didn’t belong, I sat on the couch and watched as they finished the game. Jesse won and, of course he flaunted it. He started dancing and strutting around the living room. When he strutted past Colleen, she tripped him making me laugh. He landed flat on his face.
I looked over at a smiling Bradley. He looked relieved to see me smile. When his eyes met mine, I turned away, too ashamed.
Instead of pushing me he said, “There’s a new Blue Collar Comedy show on tonight. How about we make some popcorn and check it out?” Everybody agreed. Jess and Colleen ran into the kitchen to make the popcorn.
Left alone with Bradley anxiety swept over me.
Bradley slid slightly closer, whispering softly, “I love you, Natalia. I’m so sorry I couldn’t stop him from doing what he did to you. I’m so disgusted with myself, for not getting to you in time.”
So he wasn’t disgusted with me, he’s disgusted with himself, but for the wrong reason.
“You did save me in time. It would have been far worse had he finished what he started. I would never recover from something like that.” For the first time tonight I looked into his eyes as mine filled with tears. “Thank you for saving me again. I was so sc-scared.” Looking down at my fidgety hands I continued, “I froze. I couldn’t even focus enough to use my magic. I have never been so afraid in my entire life.” I could feel his eyes on me, I desperately wanted to look at him but couldn’t.
He got up and kneeled in front of me, “Natalia, I need to know what you’re thinking. Your feelings… I know it’s selfish of me, but please may I take a look?”
I lifted my head and looked into his eyes. With his fingers under my chin he searched my mind. Several times he winced in pain and even growled, once so loudly that Jess came out of the kitchen. Realizing everything was okay, he turned and went back to finish the popcorn. Bradley removed his hand from my chin, got up, went back to sitting on the opposite side of the sofa and began answering my unspoken questions.
“Dave and Cheryl took Bill to another location to help him through the change. It’ll take a while but once we’re sure that Bill can be around you, Dave will bring him by.” Again I could feel him looking at me, watching my reaction, especially after seeing my concern for Bill in my thoughts. “Andrew is dead. We beat him Natalia… We won. He can never hurt you, or us, again.”
“Even though he crossed the line, I’m glad Bill is still here. He’ll probably like life as a vampire.” I hesitated a bit before finishing, “I’m also glad that you took care of Andrew. However, right now it feels like he won, not us.”
Jess interrupted us. “Hey, Brad, why isn’t the comedy show on? Come on. We’re going to miss the beginning of it.” He had a huge bowl of popcorn and plopped onto the recliner. Colleen followed close behind holding a tray with more popcorn and a few drinks. After setting everything down on the table she jumped onto Jesse’s lap and started eating his popcorn.
Bradley changed the channel and slid the popcorn in front of me. I wasn’t in the mood to eat. Grabbing a throw pillow, I curled up in the corner to watch.
***
Colleen and Jess stayed in our spare bedroom for a few more nights. When I woke in the night screaming, Colleen was the one hugging and comforting me while Bradley watched from a distance.
After about a week, I overheard Jess telling Colleen that it was time for them to go, that Bradley and I need
ed to work through this together, that they were interfering, delaying the inevitable. Colleen argued saying I wasn’t ready to be alone with Bradley or any man.
Although she was right, it wasn’t fair of me to expect them to put their lives on hold for me so I interrupted their conversation, telling Colleen that Jess was right.
The next morning they went home. Sitting alone in the living room I decided it was time for me to face my fears. Unsure how to do so, I decided a walk was needed to clear my mind. Without saying a word to Bradley or Seager, I walked out the front door and around the side of the house.
Since Jessica, Anthony and Andrew came into my life I hadn’t had any alone time, always having to look over my shoulder. Today would be the first day in a very long time where I could go out without worry and without someone shadowing me.
The skies were blue, the sun was out and there was a gentle breeze, it was a beautiful day to take a walk.
Approaching the creek, I stared at the bridge that Bradley and I got married on. Both, he and Dave, built it so I could cross on my own, without getting wet. Laughing, I jumped into the creek, splashing around, playing in the water like a little kid. Floating on my back, I stared up at the trees, feeling a sense of freedom I hadn’t felt since the day I moved here, since I first met Jessica, Andrew and Anthony.
For several minutes I swam in the creek, feeling elated now that the heavy burden that weighed me down was forever gone, turned to ashes.
Soaked to the bone and finally feeling cleansed, rid of that man’s filthy touch, I walked up the bank, towards the house. My newfound freedom had me whooping loudly, flipping cartwheels, jumping and skipping through my backyard. The cartwheels were nothing to brag about, falling twice, causing me pain, but that didn’t matter. I was alive and free. Rejuvenated, I tried to do a handstand and failed miserably, falling hard. The pain rocked through me but too happy to care, I burst out loudly, laughing.
Lying on my back, in my back yard, with my arms spread wide, I took in the beauty of the sky, the day. It’s exhilarating to feel this free.
