In My Sister's Shadow

by Tiana Laveen

  * * *

  “Bijou, wait!” Mark hastened his steps as he followed her down the small studio hallway into the darkroom. The blinding red light flooded the area. “A darkroom? I had no idea photographers still had darkrooms.”

  “Yes, some of us are rather old school and with that said, you need an old school slap across the face! You shouldn’t even be here. Turn that light off!” she snapped as she placed her gloves on. Mark watched in the red flooded murkiness as he turned off one of the overhead lights.

  “Why are you so angry with me? I’m here because I care about you!”

  “Mark, I said all that I had to say to you.”

  “I can’t believe you’re doing this. You cared about me way more than you admitted, and you are still acting like this. You really are unbelievable!” he yelled as he walked towards the door to leave, then thought better of it and turned back around. “No, you don’t get off that easy. You gave me one of the most sacred things to you, and now you act like you just want me to go away.”

  Bijou looked over her shoulder. “What are you talking about?’

  “You know what the hell I’m talking about, you were a damn virgin! You let me take your virginity and didn’t even tell me.”

  There was an uncomfortable silence growing between them. Mark watched as her eyes widened then narrowed. Her lips turned downward and her body stiffened. The air seemed to instantaneously turn colder.

  “I didn’t tell you because that isn’t exactly the thing most men want to hear,” she snapped as she quickly turned away. “Not to mention, I wanted my first time to be special. I didn’t want whoever I was with to act differently towards me because of it. What? If you’d known would you have been gentler?” she rolled her eyes and turned back towards the tubs filled with watery, pungent solution.

  Mark thought for a moment. “Actually, no. You didn’t even give me a chance though. It wouldn’t have upset me or made me feel different towards you. I would have felt special. It just would’ve let me know how you felt about me. I know that had to have been a big deal for you, Bijou. Everything, the way it happened, would have occurred the exact same way…”

  They were quiet for a few moments.

  “Anyway, I’m here for something way more important.”

  “And what is that?” she asked dryly.

  Mark put his hands on his hips and bit his lip, taking a deep breath before responding.

  “I had a very interesting chat with your Uncle Pete and Aunt Clarabelle…”

  Bijou spun around, a shocked expression on her face.

  “Pete? Uncle Pete? My grandfather’s brother?” Bijou’s voice softened.

  “Yes. He and I are friends…we play chess together.”

  “He’s the old man you told me you meet with once a week at the bookstore?” Her tone remained calm, soft and even.

  “Yes. I was surprised as much as you were. I decided to unload my worries onto him, after missing you so much. Once I described you physically and said your sister had just died, he asked what your name was…you can imagine both of our disbelief. What a bombshell.”

  Both of them were quiet under the red light and the strong smell of the developing chemicals that floated past them.

  “I…I haven’t seen Uncle Pete in years and I really don’t know my Aunt Clarabelle.”

  “I know. Enough of that though, Bijou. You have some explaining to do and I’m not leaving here until you talk to me and this time, I want the entire truth. Your running away is over with…”

  * * *

  Bijou stretched out on her couch and rubbed her throbbing head. She knew he was staring at her, and she knew he was beyond pissed. His body language, tight and tense, his lowered eye lids, crossed arms and cutting tone to his voice made it crystal clear.

  I did this for him because I love him…why doesn’t he understand that? I’ll make him understand.

  She sat up, trying to choose her words carefully before she blurted the first thing that came to her mind. She shifted her weight and cupped her chin as she leaned forward.

  “Look Mark, if you think I was going to leave you alone, let our relationship just disappear, you are mistaken.”

  She watched as his bewilderment grew, understanding that this time, she had to tell not half of it, but all of it, regardless of how ridiculous it may sound.

  “What? I called you; you never picked up or returned my calls. And you said when you left that – ”

  “Never mind what I said. I needed to get away from you so I could try to address what was going on and get my head on straight.” She sighed. “I’m sorry I did it that way, but you know how they say human beings are – fight or flight. Well, I did a bit of both but running away and being alone is how I work things out. It’s just who I am, who I’ve always been.”

  “So you think I enjoyed your sister running her finger up my neck and pretending she was Mary Poppins in my damn kitchen?” He sat straighter. “It was OK for you to just leave me to deal with all of this shit on my own, thinking you were gone for good?” His fierce gaze burned through her. “It hurt me more that you left than anything your sister, or whatever the hell this is, did.”

  “Look, that night freaked me out too, OK?” She put her hand on her chest as she tried to make him see, make him understand. “I knew it was her, right after you told me what happened, but I didn’t want to get you more upset. I told you I don’t believe in this shit,” she said coolly. “But obviously I was wrong. As soon as I got home, I called a priest but…there is like a six month waiting list for exorcisms and well, I’m not Catholic.” She shook her head. “Now that you know about my little secret…” She laughed lightheartedly, trying to ease his obvious anger. The attempt failed. She watched his frown grow as he crossed his muscular arms across his chest. He breathed so heavily, it looked like one of the buttons on his shirt would pop off at any minute. “I was trying to get help after I got home and cooled off for a bit. I got some calls in, and spoke to some people that specialize in paranormal activity but…”

  “Has she come back?” he asked, his tone still soaked in anger.

  “No, actually she hasn’t.”

  “And you know why, right?”

  “I believe so.”

  “And why do you think that is?” He leaned back on her couch, placing his arms behind his head.

  “Because…I told you it was over.”

  “Exactamundo! But you know what is so interesting, Bijou?” he asked, not waiting for an answer. “She is now full force in my house. She is leaving you alone, since you swore off of me.”

  Bijou felt her stomach drop down, as if she were on a rollercoaster that had just descended for the first three hundred foot hill, going straight down into nothingness.

  “Whu…What?”

  “Yeah, so you your plan backfired. Now that you’re finished running around calling priests, or TV show hosts that think this shit is about ratings and funny, you can get your coat. We’re leaving to pay Aunt Clarabelle a visit.”

  “What for?”

  “You are in way over your head. I know that when getting to know someone, it takes time to trust, Bijou, but you didn’t tell me everything about Rhine.”

  “Like what?” Bijou continued to stare ahead, trying to keep her expression blank.

  “That she was sick in the head, and you helped take care of her…you left that little tidbit out!”

  Bijou closed her eyes and rubbed her lips together. She cradled her head in her hands. “I thought I made it clear that she wasn’t quite right. Why else would I put up with how she treated me at times, Mark? She was a good person though. Her illness wasn’t her fault.”

  “Bijou, you’re too mysterious. There are too many things about you that are straight up bizarre. Ironically, that is what drew me to you in the first place. Your beauty is out of place, almost haunting – you look like a walking painting, even with your hair all over your head. It’s like you aren’t even real. Then, you’re twenty-eight years old
and have been a virgin this entire time, and you decide that I will be the one, of all people, you will give your virginity to.” He laughed a mirthless laugh. “Believe me, I’m flattered and that night will be forever in my mind, but you just keep secret after secret, and I don’t like it. You are not in this alone. I’m affected by everything that happens, too.”

  Bijou stood slowly and held her elbows as she continued to listen to him. She could see he had to get this off his chest; there was no need to interrupt him or try to explain herself. He needed to tell her off, so that they could move forward.

  “Then, last but not least, your sister was out of her mind but you completely downplayed it, and yes that matters because we aren’t just dealing with her spirit; we are dealing with her angry, unreasonable spirit!”

  Bijou turned to him, her nerves shot. She was on the verge of losing complete control and she knew he could see it.

  “Look, Bijou, I’m just trying to figure out what is going on here, OK? We have to work as a team. No more running away, no more half stories.”

  “I haven’t been lying to you.”

  “You haven’t been exactly all the way truthful, either.”

  “You want to know why I chose you to lose my virginity with, don’t you?” she sighed.

  “That would be a start.”

  “I understand that no one expects a woman of my age to still be a virgin. I’ve dated plenty and no one knew or if they did, they never said anything. I had come close a few times; I just knew, in my heart, it wasn’t the right person. With you, something clicked, Mark. I knew after our first date that there was just something about you that made me feel completely comfortable. I was really attracted to you, too. You embodied the type of guy I was looking for. I was…I am, in a bad place right now. I needed the comfort, as well. I needed to feel loved…I needed to be held, kissed.” She took his hand. “I needed to be made love to and despite what happened afterward, it was perfect, Mark.”

  Mark was quiet as he listened to her. She watched him rub his chin, and looked at her thoughtfully.

  “OK, so you’ve answered ‘why me?’, but what about everything else, Bijou? What exactly was going on with your sister?”

  “No one really knows, to be quite honest.” Bijou looked up at the ceiling then back down. “She was very smart and functional but there was a side to her that was self-destructive. She had plenty of Southern charm when she wanted to, but the paranoia…Jesus. That’s the best way I can describe it. I watched over her, I had to. Then, she met her fiancé and she seemed to really calm down. All she wanted was love, just like everyone else. She went to the doctor and he told her she was stressed out.” She sighed. “He put her on this medicine, and whatever it was, it really did seem to help. We always argued less when she took her medicine and she got her job, then met her fiancé. When she got off the medicine, the shit would hit the fan again. It was always something.” She waved her hand. “Please don’t say anything bad about her…”

  “A little part of you was relieved when she died; that is what this is really about, the guilt.” Mark blurted. “You were relieved because then, you could finally breath!”

  “What?”

  “Look Bijou, we are done playing games, do you hear me? I’m in the grief and guilt business! Did you forget that? The worse the grief, the more the guilt! The bigger the guilt, the more lavish the casket! You stood there at that funeral, not saying one stinking word. You didn’t show any emotion because you were already drained and a little part of you felt like shit for knowing you were finally free. I know exactly what happened here. You – ”

  “That is not – ”

  “Just stop it!” He grimaced and reached out to her, pulled her close. “You don’t owe anyone an explanation for how you feel and you need to be done, completely finished feeling sorry about it. If we are going to get through this, you have to come clean to yourself. You don’t owe me or anyone else an explanation for this, but you better tell the truth to yourself! She took you through hell, and you are still standing here defending her after trying to split us up. We’re done leaving this in your hands. You’re finished fighting alone.” He took her hand, and pulled her with him towards the front door. “Now let’s go, your aunt is waiting.”

  * * *

  “Yes, she did.”

  Clarabelle laughed as she moved her wide, floral print covered hips in her crowded kitchen. The yellow wallpaper with illustrations of old-fashioned flour and sugar bags aided in the room’s congested feeling. Not one spot of counter space was available, regardless of the neatly organized and stacked bottles of unknown powders and ointments. Her dark auburn and silver hair was tied up in plaits and partially covered with a dark red silk scarf.

  “Your mother married into our family not knowin’ what she was getting’ into.” The heavy-set, attractive woman laughed. She was at least seventy, but looked to be in her sixties with not one wrinkle on her beige skin with naturally ruby cheeks. Her eyes, almost pitch black, looked eerily out of place on her pale skin, and their lids, just like Bijou’s, were heavy, adorned with long, envy-worthy dark lashes.

  Bijou and Mark remained quiet as they practically sat on top of each other, holding hands underneath the table that was now covered with boiled chicken bones and a pot of pork fat back.

  “You know, ya Uncle Pete never comes by here hardly anymore. He’s been sick a lot lately and needs to take this medicine I have for him. I tried visitin’ him, but he was sound asleep. Next time, I’ll be lettin’ myself in. Anyhow, I’m glad he called me and told me about your problem, Bijou.” The woman smiled at Bijou, seeming to sense her trepidation. “You ain’t gotta be afraid of me, baby.” She laughed heartedly. “Everyone knows what I do, but I don’t hurt folk, I don’t believe in that.” She winked at her great niece, causing an uneasy smile to bud across Bijou’s face. “You sure are pretty, Bijou.”

  “Thank you,” Bijou said quietly.

  “You and Rhine, I tell ya, when you two were born, people would not quiet down about how gorgeous you both were and then you only got prettier as each year passed. I ain’t got much good to say about my nephew, no offense.” Her eyebrow rose as she sighed.

  “None taken, Aunt Clarabelle.” Bijou faintly smiled.

  “OK, now,” she pulled out a chair across from them and plopped down into it with a chilled glass of iced cold Pepsi. “Can I speak candid wit’ you, in front of your man-friend here? Things I’m going to say might be a little embarassin’, so if you need him to leave, just say the word and then I can get started.”

  Mark looked at Bijou and gripped her hand tighter. “If you want some privacy, Bijou, it’s no problem.”

  “No.” Bijou looked up at him. “I’ve not been as open with you as I’d like to have been. I want everything out on the table – this involves you now, too. Aunt Clarabelle, please, go right ahead.”

  “Alright.”

  She took a long swig from her glass and placed it back on the table, her meaty hand clutching it as the trails of condensation ran down it. “Your mother did as many women have. She fell for a pretty face, my nephew, and boy was he pretty…so much so, he used it to his advantage to do wrong by folk. Now…” She sat back in her chair and crossed her arms over her large breasts. “Your mother was in a shameful way. She got pregnant wit’ you before she was married to your father. Despite his faults, my nephew still wanted to do the right thing and marry her. So, she had a quick weddin’ to hide the pregnancy but those of us that knew our math,” she chuckled, “put it all together. You wuddn’t no preemie…eight lbs. nearly.”

  Bijou sat there in shock. Her mouth literally dropped open. “I…didn’t know.”

  “Well, sorry to break it to you like this, but that’s what happened. That wedding was quick, fast and in a hurry.” She smoothed out her skirt. “So, when Rhine was born, and the way she behaved, your mother thought that it was a curse because she had sinned. I guess she just supposed the consequences came a bit later, wit’ her second
child.”

  “She saw Rhine as a curse?”

  “I suppose you could say that, but I believe she loved Rhine very much. She knew, soon after she was born, somethin’ wasn’t right. Rhine would cry all day and night, screaming at the top of her lungs, and she didn’t respond to pain. You could tap her hand; she could fall hard, and not seem to notice. No one knew what was going on with her and your mother wouldn’t talk about it anymore after a while.”

  Clarabelle took a deep breath and looked sharply at Mark.

  “Ain’t no sense in us pussy footin’ around this. You and your friend here are in love. Your sister is very angry about this, Bijou.”

  Bijou lowered her head and looked into her lap.

  Mark looked at both women, confusion all over his face, but he remained quiet.

  “Bijou is angry because she’s jealous. She saw Mark first, and wanted him…”

  “What? That doesn’t make any sense.”

  “Don’t tell me ’bout what doesn’t make sense, Bijou. You are here because your sister has been haunting you.” Clarabelle looked over at Mark. “And she all but seduced this man right here!”

  Bijou shot him a look. Mark quickly turned away.

  “I took a look at everythang before you two got over here. I talked to Rhine, and she said she saw him first and you are trying to take him away. Mark?”

  “Yes?”

  “She knows you love her sister, and that makes her even angrier. Rhine, though, doesn’t understand that she isn’t still alive. She thinks she can make this different. She thinks she finally found someone she can feel in a deep, heartfelt way about. She said Mark touched her so lovingly, said sweet things to her…”

  Mark closed his eyes and lowered his head. “I…I sometimes talk to the bodies as I prepare them. I speak to them, as if they were alive. I know, it’s kind of strange, it’s just a habit.”

  Clarabelle waved him off and rolled her eyes. “It ain’t strange to me. I talk to dead folk all the time. I think what you did was real nice, but she saw it as flirtin’, and now we have a problem because she thinks she is in competition with Bijou.”