by Mann, Marni
“Where's your boy?” he asked.
I told him the guys had gone to the baseball game and were coming to the party after.
“He still let you come with all the vultures around here?”
Katy and I laughed.
When the blunt was down to a nub, Ben left us to get more beer.
“What do you think, should we find the crew?” Katy asked.
Blunts got me extra high. Every time I smoked one I felt like I was floating. We'd smoked a bowl in the car on the way to the party, and now I was pretty much locked up.
Standing on the steps, I looked out to the crowd and felt like I was a blade in a field of grass. There was no way we were ever going to find our friends.
“Call Mathy's cell and see where she's at,” I said.
“I did,” she said. “She didn't answer.”
I didn't want to move. Couldn't the girls find us?
“Stop being lazy, come on,” she said and pulled my hand, leading me through the mosh pit.
I stopped drinking after my second beer. It was too damn cold outside to put anything icy down my throat, plus my stomach was a little upset. I felt it gurgling, though it wasn't from being hungry because I'd eaten before we came.
A pair of arms slid around my waist, and warm lips kissed the skin between my collar and scarf. I didn't have to look to know it was Cody. I could smell the woodsy scent of his cologne.
“Did you miss me?” he whispered.
From just the sound of his voice, tingly sparks shot into my belly. We'd only been dating for four months, but it felt much longer than that. We had this sexual attraction that I'd never had with anyone else before, and when I was in his arms, I was so turned on.
“More than you know,” I said.
I didn't want to just feel his lips on my neck, I wanted to taste them too. He took my hand and twirled me around. On my tiptoes, I hugged his neck and kissed his mouth. His skin was hot, and the minty flavor of his toothpaste stung my tongue.
“How was the game?” I asked.
“It was fun, wait till you hear this,” he said and pointed at Barry. “Barry, tell the girls what happened on the way home.”
I'd forgotten anyone else was around us. Katy had her arms tucked inside Brandon's jacket, and Barry was holding Mathy. Everyone laughed but me as Barry told the story. I couldn't concentrate, everything around me was starting to spin.
Cody noticed something was wrong and put his hands on my face. “Baby, you okay?”
My stomach was more than gurgling now, it was churning. And my mouth was watering like I was going to be sick.
“Just cold,” I said. “I need something to drink, want me to get you a beer?”
“I'll come with you.”
“No, stay, I'll be right back,” I said and jogged away, heading for the side parking lot by the dumpsters.
I didn't want Cody to see me puke. We weren't at a point where we were showing each other our bodily fluids. I knew I'd be fine once I got out whatever was hurting my stomach and then I'd rejoin the group. Maybe I'd even tell him I wasn't feeling good and I'd go back to my dorm room to sleep.
Halfway to the dumpster, the food rose to the back of my throat and I took off running with my hand over my mouth. Behind the dumpster, I lost it all. The dinner we ate and the two beers, it all came out.
My stomach was still churning, my head was foggy, and the rest of my body was sweating. I sat on the ground, the snow soaking into the butt of my jeans. The spins were getting worse, so I put my head between my knees, trying to make it stop. Behind my lids were circles of blackness like I had rubbed my eyes too hard, but I hadn't touched them.
“Give her another minute,” I heard someone say.
“Cody?”
I heard laughing. Two different voices and they were deep.
“Cody, is that you?”
And then all I saw was blackness.
When I woke up, my body was stiff and my muscles ached like I had the flu. I was freezing and reached for the blanket, but my hand grabbed only a fistful of air. Where was my comforter?
Even with my lids closed, I could still feel the brightness around me. Had Katy forgotten to shut the blinds?
I sat up to look for my blanket and opened my eyes slowly so they'd adjust to the light. The sun almost blinded me.
Where was our dorm room? Why the hell was I outside, surrounded by woods and sitting on a mound of snow? My pants were next to me in a clump, my jacket was unzipped, and my shirt was torn at the bottom.
Panic ran through every part of me. I didn't know where I was. And I didn't know why I was half naked.
Scrambling to my feet as fast as I could, I yanked my jeans over my boots and took off running. The button on my jeans was missing and the zipper was broken, so while I staggered through the snow, I held the waist to keep them on.
There were footprints in the snow. I thought if I followed them, they'd lead me to somewhere I recognized.
The heel of my boot broke off from stumbling over twigs. My nose was running. The wind was making my eyes water, and it was hard to see where I was going.
There was a swishing noise up ahead and the trees started to clear. Cars? Cars swished, right? Something was swishing.
A branch hit my face. I tasted blood on my lips.
A road. A main road with more than one lane.
I tripped over a big rock. Both my body and pants fell at the same time. I needed to haul myself back up. I was almost at the road. But so tired.
At the clearing, I saw the street, and across the way was the University of Maine sign. I was fifteen minutes away from our dorm.
I crossed the four lanes of traffic without looking both ways. Cars honked. My pants slid down my waist and every step pounded my muscles like I was lying on a bed of nails.
My other heel broke off at the beginning of Long Road. Cumberland Hall was at the bottom of the hill.
I wheezed from the cold and strain. My toes cramped from the pointy-toed boots.
Someone was leaving Cumberland Hall. “Wait,” I shouted.
They held the door and I pushed my way through. Our shoulders hit, and the person yelled, “Ouch, watch it.”
I bolted up the two flights of stairs and down the hall to our room. Our door wasn't locked and I threw myself into the room.
“Where the hell have you been?” Katy asked. She closed her textbook and put it on the bed.
She was tucked under the covers. The TV was on. The shades were closed and my eyes still hurt.
“I… I don't know,” I said and rubbed my forehead with both hands. Without holding the waist, my pants dropped to my ankles.
She gasped. “Nicole, your jeans, and, and your legs, they're covered in blood.”
She was right. I wasn't wearing any underwear, and my thighs were caked with dried blood.
“I woke up in the woods,” I said and lifted my head to meet her eyes.
She shook her head. “We looked for you all night.”
“I got sick by the dumpsters and then…” I tried to remember what happened after I sat down on the snow. “I don't, I don't know, Katy, I don't remember anything.”
She jumped out of her bed and pulled on her boots and jacket. “We're going to the hospital.”
I closed my eyes when we got in her car, and when I opened them again we were at Eastern Maine Medical Center.
The doctor was trying to be gentle, but every time she touched my crotch, it burned. Her head rose from between my legs, and said she'd be back with the test results.
Katy hadn't left my side. She'd held my hand through the exam and blood test, and when the police officer asked me questions. Now she sat behind me on the gurney, rubbing my head and pulling out twigs and leaves that had nested into my hair.
The doc opened the blue curtain that separated my gurney from the others and closed it once she entered. She was reading from a clipboard.
“Your blood tested positive for Rohypnol,” the doc said.
&nb
sp; Rohypnol, like the date rape drug?
She set her clipboard on the table and sat on the stool she used for the exam, but wheeled it next to me. “Two different types of sperm were found during the internal exam,” she said and paused like there was more. “And we found traces of lighter fluid on your skin.”
Katy wrapped her arms around my chest. I went to move and the IV stopped me, tugging at my arm. I ripped it out. Blood dripped from where the needle was. “What, what does all that mean?”
The doc took a deep breath. “You were drugged and raped last night by two different men, and they burned your chin with a lighter.”
My eyes shot open. Renee was sitting in front of me, nodding out. It took me a minute before I realized we were still in the park, crammed into the cubbyhole. And the park wasn't in Boston. I was in Bangor because Eric's funeral was tomorrow morning.
I'd had flashbacks and nightmares about that night before, but not like this and never so detailed. That was the real deal, like it had just happened seconds before and not two years ago. I couldn't wait to get the hell out of Maine.
When we got back to Tim's, everyone was gone, and his bedroom door was shut. We shot up again and drifted in and out while the sun rose in the eggplant and aqua sky.
Tim woke us up only a few hours later and handed us mugs of coffee. Renee and I dressed in the nicest clothes we owned—jeans and button down shirts—and got high after we put our makeup on.
The ground was still too frozen for a burial, so the service was held at a funeral home. Rows of chairs faced the open casket. From the back row, I could see only a small portion of Eric's profile. But next to him was a poster-sized picture from high school graduation propped on an easel. I kept my eyes on the floor. I'd seen enough.
When the holy collared guy started reciting prayers, I fell asleep. I could have stayed awake, but I didn't want to hear all that shit about our heavenly father.
Tim nudged me. Renee was sleeping too and I tapped her on the leg. Eric's mom was standing in front of the casket, saying how much Eric was loved and how it wasn't his time to be with Jesus. Oh, he'd seen Jesus all right. Jesus had sold us the batch of dope that Eric OD'd on.
She talked about Eric's goals of being a pilot—that was news to me—and how he was so talented and surrounded by such inspiring people. Her teary eyes scanned the crowd, and not once did they land on me. I counted how many times she wiped her nose. So far it was eight.
After the ceremony, everyone got up and moved to the other room where drinks and food were being served.
“Let's go see Eric and get the fuck out of here,” Renee said. “This place is creeping me out.”
I agreed. Our backpacks were in Tim's car, so if he wasn't ready to leave yet, we'd walk to the bus station.
Renee and I stood in line. I didn't look at him until I was right in front of him. The funeral people had done a good job making him look alive. His skin was a light peach, and his lips were red.
What can I say, I thought to myself. Sorry this happened to you? Sorry you took too much? Neither of those seemed right. Eric wouldn't want to hear me apologize, he'd want to know how I was doing.
I've been staying at Que's, I told him. Raul has the hots for me, but I'm not sure if I want to be his girl. He takes good care of me though. Like you would have. My parents have been all over me since you died, and they think I'm doing the same shit you did. We'll keep that between us, okay? It'll be our little secret like the time you saw me naked in our apartment in Chinatown. I hope you're liking the other side and everyone over there is treating you good. Rest in peace, my friend.
I went to the back of the room to wait for Renee and when I got by the door, my parents walked in.
“Were you going to call us?” Mom asked.
Fuck. Renee needed to hurry the hell up.
“I just got in this morning,” I said. “I was going to call after the funeral.”
My parents looked at each other. My dad's expression caught me first, raised eyebrows and lips pointed down in a scowl.
“I don't believe you,” he said. “You haven't answered your phone in three days.”
“What's not to believe? My luggage is still in Tim's car.”
“Tim?” Mom asked. “Why are you avoiding us? Is there something you're trying to hide?”
“He offered to give me a ride—”
“You need help, Nicole,” Dad said.
I couldn't remember the last time he'd called me by my real name.
“We're taking you to Acadia Hospital right now,” Mom said.
I wasn't going to that hell hole of a rehab center and sit in therapy with all the dropouts and addicts I went to high school with.
Renee was walking towards us. She gave me a look like she'd meet me outside. I mouthed “Tim” to her and she understood.
“Mom,” I said and looked at her. “And Dad, I don't need to go to rehab. I'm fine, I promise.”
“Stop lying to us,” they both said at the same time.
My parents’ voices were so loud people were starting to stare.
Renee had found Tim, and they were standing by the front door, waiting for me.
“I hope you're proud of yourselves,” I said. “Causing a scene.”
I dashed to the front door. I could hear my parents following behind me, and then I heard Eric's mom call my name. I didn't turn around. I joined Tim and Renee, and we fled down the stairs to Tim's car. When I was in the passenger seat, I saw my parents and Eric's mom running down the steps after me.
“Go, go, now,” I said, and Tim floored the gas.
I asked him to drop us off at the bus station, and I called Raul to tell him I was ready to come home. Raul said he'd call the bus company and pay for my return ticket, and he'd pick us up at North Station.
The bus wasn't leaving for thirty minutes, but we boarded anyway and scrunched down in our seats so we couldn't be seen through the window.
I decided not to go into the bathroom and shoot up until we were on our way to Boston. I would have done it in the seat, but the driver was watching us through his rearview mirror
“I've got to tell you something,” Renee said.
The bus had started moving, and I was getting ready to go into the bathroom.
“What is it?”
She was chewing her fingernail and her eyes were glued to the floor. “I'm… Fuck,” she said and paused. “I'm fucking pregnant.”
“What?”
“Yeah, at least two months along.”
This couldn't really be happening. Could it? She was using as much dope as I was, so wouldn't that have killed the baby? Two damn months? That would explain her throwing up. But wait. Who was the father? Que?
“Is that why Que and Raul have been so nice to us?” I asked.
“I don't know about Raul, but yeah, Que thinks it's his.”
She didn't sound convinced. Who else could be the father?
“Is it his?” I asked.
“There's only been one other dude besides Que.”
Renee didn't talk about the men she had sex with. Until we started staying at Que's house, I didn't even know they'd been sleeping together.
“Mark,” she said.
“Mark who?”
“Our old boss, Mark. He could be the father too.”
Now it made sense. All those dirty looks she'd given me when Mark had paid for BC's tip and when I told her he'd stuck his tongue down my throat. She'd been sleeping with him the whole time? And Que? Damn.
“Does Mark know you're prego?” I asked.
“Why, do you think I should tell him?”
“Shit, Renee. I don't know, we've got a good thing at Que's.”
“But I'm pretty sure Mark's the dad.”
What the hell were we going to do? Renee might have Mark's baby inside her, and if Que found out, our asses would be on the street. Who would we buy from then?
CHAPTER TEN
Renee's belly was starting to get round, and Que would rub it,
calling it his bump of love. The whole thing grossed me out. Not just her pregnancy, but also the way they acted. They pretended to talk to the baby and put headphones on her stomach, so it could listen to rap music. She hadn't gone to the doctor yet, and she wasn't taking those pregnancy vitamins. For all she knew, the baby had three arms sprouting from its chest.
I didn't know what made her want to keep the baby in the first place. Mark would have sprung for an abortion, I thought. But she still hadn't even told him she was pregnant. What was she going to do if the baby came out light skinned and didn't have any of Que's Puerto Rican complexion?
Raul was obsessed with the whole baby thing too. He thought it'd be fun if he and Que had kids close in age, and he was trying to get me pregnant. Fun? That would be about as much fun as checking into rehab. I told him one morning I was going to visit Michael, but really I went to the free clinic. The doctor did an internal exam and I had to pee in a cup to make sure I wasn't pregnant before he gave me birth control pills. He told me I'd have to come back once a month to get another prescription, and the receptionist would call to remind me of my appointment.
Raul got all upset when I got my period and said we needed to try harder. We were having sex at least twice a day, how much harder could we try? I told him it took some women up to a year to get pregnant. He said I was young and in a month or so I'd be carrying his baby. Whatever I did, I couldn't forget to go to the clinic or he'd be rubbing my bump of love too.
Renee said sunlight was good for the baby and asked me to go on a walk with her every afternoon. A baby wasn't like a plant, and if she really cared what was good for it, she'd stop shooting dope. Near the end of our walk, we'd buy two pints of ice cream and eat them before going back home. In between bites, she'd tell me the baby names they'd picked out and how different their lives were going to be after it was born. Que was going to give up dealing and open an auto body shop, and they'd rent a house in the suburbs for their little family of three. Her plans never included Raul and me.
Raul said Que would never stop dealing because they made too much money. And moving to the 'burbs wasn't going to happen either. All their friends lived in the city. What I thought he meant was their gang lived in the city and they weren't allowed to leave them, but their gang was something he wouldn't discuss.
